Thanks for the replies.
PandaAdore I'm usually thinking how much I'm enjoying the physical sensations but wishing I could actually orgasm.
Gem276 I'm sorry you struggle too but it is a relief to know it's not just me. I like to read stories on the laptop but I sit on the floor to use the laptop and I was worried about the vibrations going through the floor to the flat below so I used the vibrator in bed.
It's this one http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=24785
alone4ever I have more fun with women, it's always been more mutual with women but the men all used me as a blow up doll yes. No foreplay, affection or love. The people I fall in love with never want a relationship with me. I've never got into a relationship with someone I wasn't atracted to but the attraction fades very quickly.
I have done some exploring but I don't like putting my fingers inside myself because I'm a bit funny about having dirty hands. I've thought about disposable gloves but that just seems weird, even for me. I do fantasise about people but it tends to be romantic conversations, not sex.
I don't know about sex being something I shouldn't enjoy but I was brought up to believe masturbation was disgusting and wrong... but I loved it, right from a child. My parents used to hit me whenever they caught me but I never stopped, I just got better at not being caught. They said I should only have sex with men (and only men) I loved but that's not really realistic nowadays. So maybe there's something going on in my head that stops me from enjoying sex.
I don't know if I'm happy without sex or not. I don't miss the blow up doll treatment. I've given up on romance because it never happens and it seems much less complicated to make my own fun but the sessions always end in disappointment.