As an intro to me, I'm a fairly young male, 19, fairly inexperienced, but experienced enough to have been intimate with both genders in the about two years i've been sexually active, but that's not what my query is about.
I know that a lot of young men have the problem of finishing prematurely, but I've noticed the problem that I have is the opposite - I take such a long time to come to orgasm during sex that I wear myself out, and I often have trouble bringing my partner to climax too. This is a bit confusing and slightly distressing for me, so before I let it get to me I thought I'd find somewhere to talk about it. It's left me with a number of questions, like, am I doing something wrong? Have I gotten too used to masturbating? Do I masturbate too often or too hard? Am I just unfit? Is it something about my partner? Is this normal for someone's first few experiences of sex?
Well, it could be a number of things, but my best guess is that it is a combination of psychological factors and, obviously, your technique. Frustration will kill an orgasm in it's tracks whether you are a man or a woman, and if you work yourself up about not coming you'll be hard pressed to get off.
You mention that you are worried about how you masturbate, or at least consider it to have an influence. Do you orgasm within what you would consider a reasonable time when you are going solo or is it an issue with both solo and with partners? Also, do you get a reasonable amount of pleasure out of sexual acts in general and it is just problems with finishing, or does everything just feel kind of boring and unstimulating?
hey and welcome to the forum - i am fairly new too.
I am not a male but when i first got together with my boyfriend we had a similar issue. He would go for hours with no let up - he is fairly well endowed and i used to get sore and uncomfortable after a while. I had to bring the issue up as we couldnt just have a quickie now and then and while i wasn't complaining, i was worried that I just wasn't doing it for him. He said that for most of the time he had been sexually active his thoughts during sex were to keep going for as long as possible so as to not come too quickly and disappoint the lady in question. Therefore, he never quite felt relaxed enough to actually JUST ENJOY HIMSELF!!!
We started to concentrate more on foreplay for him - me teasing him relentlessly and trying many different positions. He seemed to really like it when i just gave him oral with no lead on to sex, that way he knew he could come whenever he wanted to without having to worry - or he would then return the favour til he was ready to go again :)
You just really have to see what works for you, make sure you relax and trust that your partner is in it to give you pleasure and enjoy the fact that you are getting pleasure. It certainly worked out for us anyway.
I dont know how useful this has been, but i hope it helps xxx
@pixelking: That does seem to be an issue somewhat - penetrating a partner has never really felt like I expected it to, while going solo I know all the right spots to hit and be done in as little as a few minutes, even if I'm doing so in front of a partner. Another factor in this is the use of condoms, which I know is good practice for safe sex, but I'm not sure how much it really does reduce feeling, though it could be significant, is that recently, a man i was with, when penetrating him with a rubber on i got more feeling out of by junk being pushed back than from the actual act itself, but later in the evening, he had me tied to the bed, without a condom, with my pants tied around my eyes, and was rubbing me in ways that had me moaning and screaming, even though I didn't climax off it. Mind you, he eventually got frustrated and got a bit more aggressive, and by the time he untied me and let me finish myself off, I was actually a bit numb, which made it difficult, lol.
@eloquentdeviant: That reminds me of another issue. Being as young as I am, all of my sexual experiences have had a limiting factor on them - rushing for time, trying not to make a lot of noise, and so on, which are a huge obstacle to relaxing and going with it.
To me it sounds like you need to practice. What can happen is that you get into a pattern of thinking you need certain types of stimulation to get off. This could be stimulating a certain place or in a certain way. You wont have damaged anything or become desensitized or anything, you've just got to train yourself to enjoy something different.
The big thing about this is to practice allowing yourself to orgasm through different means. If you want to invest in something, you could maybe get something like a stroker or a fleshlight. Alternately, you could even just do something different like using lube or switching hand.
The fact that this guy had you moaning and thrashing without cumming says to me that it's about not being comfortable enough to orgasm for whatever reason. If you aren't relaxed, or you are trying to force yourself to orgasm, then it'l be harder to actually do.
I understand the issue of having to be quiet in someone else's house. Due to circumstances of the time, the first few times we actually made each other cum had to be in his parents house. The fear when you hear footsteps coming up the stairs is a real mood killer lol. Plus the fact that his mother is a strict catholic and shot me disapproving glares across the dinner table when we had been at it all day of a sunday :)
It sounds like you are having a few issues but believe me, you will get there x
you mention condoms reduced sensitivty. what type are you using?
extra thin condoms on the market can be pretty good, and some of the non latex ones are the thinnest. would it be worthwile buying some 3 packs and experimenting with what feels the best? http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex/condoms/sensitive-condoms/
although most condoms are lubricated, adding a little extra water or silicone based lubricant into the tip before putting them on can increase sensitivity.
I know I've posted this on other threads but I SWEAR by them... do a google search for pelvic floor muscle exercises for men. My OH had a very similar problem and was given the all clear from the docs so it was either a fitness or psychological problem. I did a bit of research and came across some articles describing the exact same problems and that the pelvic muscles needed to be 'worked out'. 4 weeks later and no more problems. Have a go, the least it will do is make any orgasm you have much more powerful. My OH says that his have become much more powerful since doing the exercises. They are really simple and can be done anywhere!