Advice on being dominant?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi, my bf and I have been in a mild s/m relationship. We're now planning to move to something more adventurous. After some discussion, we've come up with some questions that I hope the members here can answer :)

1. He's fairly skinny, so what is the best position for hard paddling and caning without hitting his bones? We're both used to paddlings in school annd would like to replicate it as safely as possible

2. I don't wear heels but I've heard it can hurt feet after a while. Can I use this as a punishment by telling him to wear them for certain time? I am already taller than him and this makes our roleplays quite natural at the same time so I hope him on heels don't make this effect disappear.

3. Is it safe to slap him? Not talking about real female-anger slaps ;)

4. What is the best way to pinch his nipples? We've tried clothes peg but they keep coming off!!! I think the tip is the most sensitive place but the area there is so small.

5. Why do different canes of the same diameter have different sensations? His feedback was the LH wrapped cane gives deeper pain while the one I got for him while traveling in India (supposedly the real ones still used by parents) is more on the surface. In fact, the LH cane is hardly flexible but I can easily bend the Indian cane.

6. I've read that some schools in the world still use punishments on hand palms but supposedly this can be unsafe. Is this true? Any other options for some real pain? ;)

7. Maybe this is a sensitive question - can women become abusive? With me being the dominant one, how do I ensure I don't cross the line with him? Once I hand spanked him quite hard for being late to our date whereas we usually do only roleplays. Did I mix a fantasy with a real punishmennt?

8. He's not really into sex, more enjoys a long HJ. I also can't ask/force him to wank by himself. IOW, the only thing that works for him is HJ. Is this normal for guys? I'm happy with it as it is, just curious about this.

9. Is there a lube that can delay his coming? Sometimes, he comes too early for me.

10. Is there a male toy that's similar to a female vibrator? Would be fun to alternate between caning and turning the vibrator on. We're not into electro play though.

11. What is the best way to tie him up tightly while having to both his butt and penis for the vibrator toy? Sometimes he just wriggles a bit too much.

2

I will answer the ones I can from my own experience or from my books.

1) Doesn't matter what size or build you are , any blows should only be directed to the buttocks . The odd stinger could be directed to the upper thigh but certainly no where else . Safe words should be practised before hand .

3) As above

4) I would only use propper nipple clamps than "DIY" substitutes. Be careful with guys as our nipples can be far more sensitive than a ladies . I run a mile if I just get mine touched !

5) Depends on the material and length. A longer length cane will have more hittiing power becasue of the "extention" in the swing . For canes I would only usew those as sold by LH . THere is also a skill in using the cane as an incorrect blow could lead to damage .

7) Safewords safewords and safewords. Can't emphasise how imporatnt these are

3

I am not trying to be rude here, but I think you need to do a lot more research before taking your play further. There are lots of good s&m 101 type books and internet resources like fetlife.

However:

1) stick to the butt

2) they can be uncomfortable and (providing he consents) there is no reason you cannot make him wear them. If you are worried about height, try kitten heels. If he is not used to wearing them, they will still be uncomfortable after awhile. Him being taller than you when he wears heels shouldn't diminish your dominance, but if you feel that it might, just say that it is giving you better access without having to stoop, make it about your comfort.

3) safe is relative, I would recommend looking for a specific book or internet source about slapping

4) fingers. Or make him pinch his own and dictate how hard he squeezes/pulls

5) different weights, materials, sizes, shapes, styles and flexibility all affect the feel of an impact toy as well as where in the cane it hit: tip, middle or closer to the handle. I don't know the exact science.

6) see 3. It is hard to say what will cause real pain without knowing your partner, what hurts one person is a mere tickle to someone else

7) yes they can. Did you cross the line in terms of just doing role play? Quite possibly. Does that mean it was abuse? Not necessarily. Punishments for real misdemeanours (i.e. Outside of role play) can be part of a d/s relationship if it is negotiated. Talk to your partner and see how he felt about it.

8) I wouldn't say normal but not uncommon

9) yes, search delay cream/spray on the lovehoney shop

10) there are vibrating butt plugs if you want it to stay in. Vibrating sounds for the urethra (but please please please thoroughly research this before trying), or just "ordinary" vibrators. Just because a vibrator is marketed towards a woman, most can still be used on men externally.

11) sometimes too much wiggling can be down to it being too much pain, you need to double check with him on this first. In depends what you have access to and how you play but spreader bars, over the door crosses (or a real cross) with cuffs on wrists, ankles and maybe thighs, cling film/pallet wrap (leaving the butt and penis out), rope, chains, threat of more punishment if his doesn't stand still.

I will repeat what I said at the top, you need to do some further research using specific s&m/bdsm/kink resources

4

As regards no 7 . Something I read in one of my books . If you are dishing out real punishments then giving somebody a good hiding isnt going to work if they actually enjoy it. So you may need to look at other forms and perhaps some sort of D/s contract with details of punishments etc.

i agree with very much Kelly Michelle has posted espeically on the doing more research .

Also please tell me that you have no intention of caning someone without any experience. Please dont as its very dangerous and irrepairable damage could be done . Caning someone is a skill that has to be learned for that very reason. A good implement to start off with would be the paddle .A good tip is then try it on yourself first so you know how it feels to be on the receiving end.It may also be prudent to try it over clothes first as well on your partner .

5

1) Go for the butt. If you type 'anatomy of a spanking' into Google Images an image comes up showing places that are fine to target and those that must be avoided at all costs. Do not spank above the buttocks at any cost - you can do damage to the kidneys. For comfortable positioning he can place cushions underneath him and bend over the bed with you stood behind.

2) Punishments can be whatever you want them to be. If you want them to include him wearing heels, give it a try and see how it goes. They don't have to be super high for them to feel uncomfortable, just well-fitting.

3) It depends on the force used and the area the slap will be focused on. Do some research into slapping beforehand.

4) Fingers, adjustable nipple clamps, nipple suckers? Might have to try a few things to find what works. Using some sort of sucker before a clamp should enable the clamp to stay in place as the nipple should be erect.

5) Differences in materials, flexibility, dimensions, shape etc. A lot of things can impact the way an instrument feels. Holding the object in a different place, aiming at a different angle, using more or less force etc.

6) We all have different definitions of "real pain" and without knowing your partner and his tolerance levels, it's hard to recommend anything. Try a matter of different things and see what works. Have a safe word in place and make sure he uses it when and if things are too much. Experimenting with different sorts of play, at multiple levels, is pretty much key to any sort of dominant and submissive relationship.

7) Yes, they can. As can men. Anyone can let the power and adrenaline rush go to their head. If your partner isn't comfortable with your actions, he needs to express that to you so you know where the lines need to be drawn. If you cross those lines after they've been put in place then you need to take a step back from this play for a while. Communicate after each session to keep things in perspective. Ask "how was that for you?", "was there anything I did that you don't want me to do again?" and always ask before trying something new that has not been agreed upon yet.

8) I don't think there's such a thing as normal in terms of sex. At the moment, sex seems to be more popular with the men I know, but it's not the be all and end all for a lot of people. I know my partner prefers oral to penetrative sex, but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy sex too.

9) Yes, there is. You can do a search through the shop and find multiple options for delay lubricants, creams and sprays.

10) Bullets or wands can be used against a man externally. Many are designed with women in mind, but that doesn't mean they're limited to use for those with a clitoris. There are male vibrators such as the Lovehoney O-Force 2, the Fun Factory Cobra Libre and the Hot Octopuss models. He could also try vibrating butt plugs and prostate massagers if he's into back door sensations.

11) Agreed with above on this answer.

Please, please do some further research before further engaging in this play. It's important to know as much information as possible in order to be dominant safely. You need to check in with your partner regularly, have safe words and signals and agree on boundaries beforehand. Prepare a first aid kit incase something goes wrong. Keep water, blankets and other comforts close by for use after a session. Aftercare is super important.

6

1. He's fairly skinny, so what is the best position for hard paddling and caning without hitting his bones? We're both used to paddlings in school annd would like to replicate it as safely as possible

Striking against his bone will hurt him for sure, but what you need to be more careful of is organs - the kidneys in particular are vulnerable to spanking. Start of on his butt - aim for 7 strikes to the glutes, 2 to the top of the legs where they meet the glutes, and one either slightly above teh glute, or midway down the leg.

2. I don't wear heels but I've heard it can hurt feet after a while. Can I use this as a punishment by telling him to wear them for certain time? I am already taller than him and this makes our roleplays quite natural at the same time so I hope him on heels don't make this effect disappear.

Sure you can use punishment of heel wearing - how you maintain dominance isn't all about height - you could tell him he looks girly, or criticise the way he walks in them for example

3. Is it safe to slap him? Not talking about real female-anger slaps ;

Why do you think it would be unsafe?

4. What is the best way to pinch his nipples? We've tried clothes peg but they keep coming off!!! I think the tip is the most sensitive place but the area there is so small

Nothing beats biting in my experiencce, but there come bloody close... https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=29731

5. Why do different canes of the same diameter have different sensations? His feedback was the LH wrapped cane gives deeper pain while the one I got for him while traveling in India (supposedly the real ones still used by parents) is more on the surface. In fact, the LH cane is hardly flexible but I can easily bend the Indian cane.

You're scrathcing teh surface of teh answer in your question - diameter isn't the only thing that causes the sensation - weight, flexibility and material all have influence. Inflexibility means more of teh force of the cane transfers to the skin, whereas with a bend some energy is lost in the bend. You can use this against him by flicking it rather than striking with it. Flexible = flick, inflexible = whack. It's actually a lot of fun experiementing with different canes, and when he really wants a hard heavy thud, you can tease him with the lighter ones.

6. I've read that some schools in the world still use punishments on hand palms but supposedly this can be unsafe. Is this true? Any other options for some real pain? ;)

I don't know if it's unsafe - the hands are hardy, have tought skin and can take a lot of punishment, but there is a lot of tendons, blood vessels and nerves in there.

As for real pain, what's in limits and off-limits? Cock & Ball torture might be an option here - think about penile restriction, ball squashing

7. Maybe this is a sensitive question - can women become abusive? With me being the dominant one, how do I ensure I don't cross the line with him? Once I hand spanked him quite hard for being late to our date whereas we usually do only roleplays. Did I mix a fantasy with a real punishmennt?

I suppose the answer here is to have an "out" - a safeword or something that he or you can use when you have crossed a line - something that stops things NOW. Beside that, talking, debriefing, communication and sharing feelings ideas and feedback.

8. He's not really into sex, more enjoys a long HJ. I also can't ask/force him to wank by himself. IOW, the only thing that works for him is HJ. Is this normal for guys? I'm happy with it as it is, just curious about this

possible death grip, where his cock is used to hand stimulation and nothing else works - the only answer is abstinance. buy him a chastity cage.

9. Is there a lube that can delay his coming? Sometimes, he comes too early for me.

You can get delay sprays, which work with missed success. what might be better, is orgasm denial, teasing and edge play. This involves you learning to read his body and stopping teh stimulation just at the right time. It can be difficult at first, but is also great fun.

I know you've said you're not into electro sex, but the one thing that works without fail for me is electric stimulation - whack the power up to full and my penis just runs and hides and will not ejaculate, regardless of how close i am.

10. Is there a male toy that's similar to a female vibrator? Would be fun to alternate between caning and turning the vibrator on. We're not into electro play though.

Lots of choice - look up fleshlights for teh best selling male toys, but my personal fave is the doxy wand and hummer attachement.

https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/brands/doxy/

https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=28560

11. What is the best way to tie him up tightly while having to both his butt and penis for the vibrator toy? Sometimes he just wriggles a bit too much

Lots of options, so experiement and find what works for you.

Try this though.get him to kneel on the bed.leaning forward, tie each wrist to a leg on either of side of the bed,pull it tight, so hisarms are outstretched.then fix a spreader bar between his ankles, teh wider teh better. then fix another at knee height, slightly narrower than the first. then, strap his ankles to the other legs of the bed. He should now be in a doggyish position. Pull everything tight, make sure he is able to move as little as possible. you can straps around teh knees and waist if he is really wriggly.

There are lots of ways to acheive what you want, this is just one.