ED and PE issues

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Since I got advice from you lovely lot and found my voice on here and told my OH what I needed in the bedroom our sex life became so much more satisfying and interesting. I bought some fantastic toys which we both love and have tried things I never thought I would.

However, recently he has started having some issues with ED. He has always been quite quick to come during penetration, but always said it was because I excited him so much. But over the last few weeks he has started to go soft before we even get started.

Because I wanted to take the pressure off him, I told him it was ok and didn't matter, that I was happy with our sex life and not to worry about it. He is quite light hearted about it..making jokes but then he says he's useless and even thinking that he may go soft can cause it to happen immediately.

A few weeks ago after and episode he said he was thinking of seeing the GP about it. I felt really bad for him and said that it was his decision and that it didn't worry me but if he felt so strongly about it then he should, hoping that he would but not wanting to make him feel bad.

Last week he gave me oral and then after i came (this is the only way I do) he tried to penetrate me....after a little fumbling around and thrusting at me 3 or 4 times he came before it even went in!

I felt very frustrated and a bit cheated. I know this is selfish, but this is how I feel. Now I feel bad that I didn't encourage him to see the GP when he mentioned it as it clearly bothers him a lot. I was just trying to be supportive, but made a mess of it

I am finding now though that I can't get physically excited about sex any more. I know that after foreplay it's just going to end there. Yes, I know that some people never get past that stage, but having just discovered fun sex, I feel I want more of it not less! It's like the more I want, the less I get. I know he was a bit shocked by my apparently sudden transformation but he said he loved the new me, and to be honest I always felt this way ...I could simply never talk about it

I still want to make love all the time but when we do it's a bit of a let down.

I see toys on here like cock rings that stimulate the clitoris and they look great, but then I think what's the point, when i wouldn't even get started before it was over.... I feel bad saying this; but I have even considered using a male escort, just to be able to feel what it's like to have penetrative sex for more than 30 seconds. This is never going to happen because I know it's wrong on so many levels, but I do think about it.

How do I put this mess right?

2

I had an ex with ED, the problem is that he internalised the issue, which there is a high possibility your partner is doing. As much as it is a couples problem, men tend to see it as their problem, for example if i tried to help my ex with the ED problem then he would go a little withdrawn and then very much imply that it was his problem and he would deal with it.

The problem gets worse over time, what started as maybe just a one off problem getting it up, will quite probably be running round in his head, stressing him and making him unable to get it up or keep it up again.

I really would advise him going to the GP, when it happened with my ex he went to a GP ad they gave him a blood test for testosterone levels and a viagra prescription

unless a physical reason can be found, it may be that the viagra prescription costs, but by no means is it crazily expensive, ask for a prescription of the bigger tablets and a pill crusher as this works out cheaper than buying them in the small doses he would need. Also they are much cheaper at somewhere like boots than a small chain chemist.

The thing i found with my partner is that having the viagra in the house alone combatted the issue, because we could start getting down to it and then he wouldnt be worrying about being unable to get it up, so it would often stay up with no problems, and when it didnt the viagra worked as a back up.

Also with the viagra if PE occurs, he will quite probably still be hard, and so it wont be an issue as you can effectively just go again.

Condoms are also said to help with the PE.

I found with my boyfriend the cock rings didnt particularly help, as when trying to put one on he wouldnt remain erect enough to be able to get it on at erection, hence it seemed to stop the blood getting into the penis, rather than keep an erect penis up if that makes sense?

If i was you i would talk to your other half and say that you have heard that viagra is relatively easy to get on prescription, reassure him by telling him something like "it probably will go away on its own, but why not get a prescription because i've heard you can go for hours" or something, and hopefully, having the viagra in will give him the safety net to keep up his confidence so he actually won't need to use it often anyway.

One last thing is that my boyfriend had one "difficult" doctor who told him he was too young to consider using viagra, and that the problem would go away, so i had to go with him to see a different doctor, incase that doctor was being difficult so that i could explain the issue if my boyfriend got upset, but tell him that you are happy to come with him or he could go alone, whatever he feels comfortable with. Then let him know that he should be able to get the prescription, but just to explain the problem honestly, and the doctor may or may not want to take blood to check testosterone levels and will definately take a blood pressure rating,

good luck and let me know how it goes with it all :)

Let me know if you have any questions about any of the processes, or just need to talk as it can be very hard having a boyfriend with ED as often your feelings are not particularly considered.

x

3

Hi I don't have any advice on.the problem your partners having but if he's worried about seeing the doctor have him use loyds pharmacy online. You fill out a questionnaire and a pharmacist reviews it and gives you a prescription if they feel you need one. You then order and pay. Turns up next day too and they weren't too expensive.

Hope that kind of helps. He'll you could even do it for him then just surprise him with a little blue pill lol.

4

Thanks you for your replies.

He did mention viagra last week, but said he'd heard reports of blinding headaches with them, which put him off

Last night he had a few drinks with his friends and when he came home I gave him a BJ which lasted nearly and hour! So he can maintain an erection, just not inside me..

I guess I need to talk to him about it and just be honest. It's a very touchy subject though and it does worry me that it could make things worse.

I commented that he'd lasted a long time last night and he said that he finds it hard to switch off all the thoughts buzzing in his head, so I think it's probably a mental issue rather than a physical one

I'll try to broach the subject when it happens next and urge him to see our Doc

5

Sinner wrote:

Thanks you for your replies.

He did mention viagra last week, but said he'd heard reports of blinding headaches with them, which put him off

Last night he had a few drinks with his friends and when he came home I gave him a BJ which lasted nearly and hour! So he can maintain an erection, just not inside me..

I guess I need to talk to him about it and just be honest. It's a very touchy subject though and it does worry me that it could make things worse.

I commented that he'd lasted a long time last night and he said that he finds it hard to switch off all the thoughts buzzing in his head, so I think it's probably a mental issue rather than a physical one

I'll try to broach the subject when it happens next and urge him to see our Doc

Hi sinner, this actually sounds quite promising. Especially as he had had a drink. I have for Avery short time suffered with ED. It is horrible. Mine was easy stress to much work. Other factors can be weight,blood pressure and depression. Another can be medication. I never lost my sex Drive. it was simple I loved giving my wife oral and we have nice collection of vibes so if she wanted to feel penetration then I'd used one on her. You do need to support him , I as we get older the strength of the erection does diminish. I do pelvic floor exercises this has helped good luck.

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@ dribbling mess, i do think that they were cheaper in boots, we paid aroud 30 quid for 32 doses of sildenafil.

As for headaches, you can only try them and see, try a small dose and if the headaches happen then you could look at other brands maybe. We never had any side effects at all.

7

Personally I would not go downthe viagra route just yet. The reason why I say that is in the long term, it could make it worse, if this is indeed a mental issue (Which I am 99.9% sure it is). There is actually nothing physically wrong with him, like low blood pressure etc, stopping him getting hard (he proved this during blowjob time, right?) so giving viagra at this stage could make him think it is the only way and become reliant on them when actually, it might be better to attempt to solve the mental issues first and rely on pills if all else fails.

ED and PE are related to performance anxiety and it sounds like your guy is definitely feeling like a failure and yes, he will be worrying, building up hopes and expectations and piling on pressure, which causes him to be stuck in this cycle of ED and PE. I kinda suffered with this as a female, although we get away with it a lot more, but I remember getting it into my head (after some comments from exes) that I took too long to orgasm. This went through my head every time I was with anyone after that and I struggled to orgasm at all, for a long time.

Now, what he needs to do is to relax, stop thinking, stop worrying and remove all pressures. This is NOT as easy as it sounds and it looks as if your guy has kind of admitted he finds this tough (He was thoughts constantly whirling in his head) Problem is, once you have a few episodes of PE, ED or failing to orgasm, you get paranoid the next time and its a self fulfilling prephecy.

How I overcame this was communicating with my partner. I literally told him everything I felt and how it was effecting me. At first it made it worse. Now it was like an elephant in the room every time we got sexy, but I just kept talking. I stopped if it was going nowhere, we talked about it together and when later he started to experience the odd episode of ED (Unrelated to my issues) we talked about that and discussed the thoughts going through our heads etc. Neither of us said anything like "Don't worry about it" or "It's okay" We spoke the truth together. We were both worried and could not stop being when you feel like a massive failure and we were both frustrated. So we told each other everything.

Then we stopped trying. Simply we stopped trying to have sex, penetration or orgasms and just focused on sensations. No pressure for the session to go anywhere other than massaging, kissing and whatever else followed. If one of us started losing it or getting paranoid, we spoke up, changed things, would switch what we were doing, or start pleasing the other. We would just say "fuck it" so that isnt working right now, but this is still fun, lets just do this. We would have a giggle about stuff, even make it a giggle and a joke to try lighten the load. (Be veryyyy careful with this one. Ensure you don't joke about something that is really hurting someone else - it will make it worse)

If I were in your shoes, I would get him to open up and relax a little by sitting down with him and saying "I know how frustrating this is for you. It is frustrating for me too, but I am in no rush, nor do I think any less of you. I know if we cannot have penetration, we can do other stuff until such a time as we can. It's no big deal. I don't want you to perform in bed with me. I just want you to be....to feel...to enjoy and I know you are suffering so much worry and pressure BECAUSE you just want to please me, and you do please me, but you are elsewhere right now, inside your head, worrying and until you can get over those fears, the problem won't ease. So just know I have no expectations, no goals, I just want to be close to you and for you to enjoy my touch and me yours. I am not worried, because I know the problem is caused by anxiety and wanting to please. I know you will eventually let go of those fears, but just talk to me. Tell me how you feel and what you think, even during sex and lets just keep it light and open."

Something like that. To get him to feel comfortable talking with you. Seriously, once the issues come out, get shared (a problem shared is a problem halved) and discussed until those fears hold no power anymore. It is not a quick process, but it is the best one, to assure him he is actually normal (This is common, for both sexes)

Of course, keep reassuring him, but be mindful to not lie to him. It is frustrating and he will know you feel that way. You just have to let him know how you feel, but make it 100% clear it doesnt mean you love him less, fancy him less, think he is crap in bed or any of that stuff. It is frustrating for the opposite reason, because you love and desire him so much and are happy to work with him to solve it.

1 Like
8

I've had, and still have, bouts of ED. It's been said that all ejaculation is premature but you need to be able to last long enough for it to be noticeable! Mrs. P. is not especially adventurous in bed and while I was unable to penetrate, either through ED or when I had a catheter in, we did do manual stimulation and I have used a strap on, too. The strap on has been a bit curious as Mrs. P didn't like it cold, but warmed up and with a condom on it did a great job. Oddly enough, I felt a LOT happier as I could give her the works without the slightest worry of losing my erection, and my big turn-on is making Mrs. P come. I can see that some men might find it a bit emasculating to use a plastic cock, but I found it to be great. Mind you, I don't think I'm a good driver either ...

9

I think instead of thinking about different ways to find pleasure you should be thinking of different things you can do for him, it's hard for you not having penetrative sex but there are many toys for you and he still makes you cum, whereas he doesn't get anything if he can't get hard. If you take the pressure off him having an erection to get pleasure he might stop worrying it, ED is usually a psychological problem and can be handled without drugs, try using small vibrators on all his erogenous zones, not just the penis, try and give him a sexual experience withough using his penis at all, as much as it frustrates you it must be a hundred times worse for him not being able to please you or himself. I don't mean to sound harsh but maybe you need to explore different things he wants than what you want?