Feeling down and desperate :(

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi guys,
Sorry to make my first post such a negative one, but here goes..

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. We have 2 kids, and , frankly, our love life is, for want of a better word, slow..

We both work shifts and the kids can be hard work. We don't get much time together and when we do, we find it hard to talk. I know this is not so much a sex issue as a relationship issue, but I'm not sure what to do. When we have discussed it, I try to explain to my wife how I feeel and ask her how she feels about it, and she always says that she feels the same way, but thats about as far as it goes, the next day, back to square one.

I love her with all my heart but I feel that this issue is slowly strangling our marriage. I get more female company at work than at home.

The fact that my wife is a nurse is not helping. I can understand that it's more than a job, but she tends to bring her work "home" with her, you know, thinking about patients and the such, but it feels like her job is pushing me away.

I'm finding it very upsetting writing this, my mind is going at 200mph trying to understand what I'm feeling these days. I feel quite tearful a lot of the time, it's a lonely feeling :(

I'm sorry to unload like this. I feel very confused right now.

2

Hey man I can feel your pain! It's good that you've got the oomph to get it off your chest and that you are both talking about it. It sounds as if although you are communicating or trying to, there is a lack of resolution or progress coming out of the communication. I'm no expert but it sounds as if it might be useful to try and get some help from outside, these things can be proper tricky to work out especially while in the situation yourselves, getting a relationship counsellor or somesuch to go over things might help to separate the different bits and pieces and give you both a chance to work out whats going on and what you can do about it.

I've been going through some rotten stuff lately with my OH but we are really trying hard working things out and it can be done, but sometimes takes some outside help and a lot of patience and it is my belief that if you are meant to be with the person and you really love them and they you then things can work out in the end.

Good luck! I hope some of the more clever folks give you some better advice than me, but I just wanted to let you know these things can be wrangled into submission given enough effort from both parties and I hope you can get the ball rolling the direction you want. :)

*man hugs* in the meantime! ;)

3

Feel free to unload here MrSheen. The internet can be a great place to share things without fear of judgement.

I'm sure many members will be happy to chip in with their own nuggets of information and personal experience to help. Although many have more important things to do than myself!

Can I ask what you aim to get from your post? What are you hoping to find out or talk about?

May I also welcome you to the forum, I hope you stick around even if you find answers.

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I'd also like to mention that although I have not gone through what you feel I do know a lot of the intimacy in my relationship comes from sex related stuff... It might seem crude by I think plenty of men feel sex is their main outlet for love-y feelings and intimacy so I can understand how upsetting it must be to feel removed from that.

4

Hey firstly welcome to the forum....secondly im so sorry to hear about your situation...it seems you are both just stuck in a rut......for alot of couples things just seem to go stale, you have nothing to talk about, your sex life becomes non existant and u get tied up i an endless vicious circle of just....well....making do!!

You say you both feel the same way......if your both prepared to make an effort you need to try and inject some fun back into your relationship.....iv been married for nearly 10 years next year as well.....and we also have 2 kids, but our sex life and relationship is better then ever....its the little things that count....make time for yourselves.....even if its just a meal together...get someone to look after the kids. Its about keeping things interesting......dirty weekends away, sexy underware, toys, doing little things out of the ordinary.....that she doesnt expect..that impromtu passionate kiss.........that naughty fumble in the car.......the things you used to do when you first met.

I know for a while after having kids i lost my sex drive, felt unattractive...and we both were just going day by day...same old stuff. Work does get in the way.....but if you are both determined to make a go of things.....you both need to make the decision to make more time for yourselves...otherwise things will only get worse.

Your both obviously unhappy, and it doesnt just effect you but the kids will also sense that as well.

Does your wife still feel theres something to fight for??

5

Welcome :)

Firstly its great that you have identified an issue and are determined to try to overcome it, it shows strength that you have brought it here to discuss and try to sort out - well done :)

It seems as though you have slpped into a routine of work and sleep and are currently lacking the fun and intimacy that you once had. Id suggest having a break, maybe book a weekend away as a surprise and get a relative/friend to have the children so that you can have some quality, romantic time together to rekindle the spark.

With the lack of sex maybe try some relaxation and sensual massage to calm her and unwind and see how things go from there, nursing is a hectic career so im sure when she finishes work she just wants to chill rather than having a rampant sex session so take it slow, and make her feel special. Try to find out if she is happy within the relationship and ask how she thinks things can be improved. There are times when relationships can be hard but if your willing to talk and try to solve problems rather than keep them locked inside there is always light at the end of the tunnel

Good luck x

6

I know this reply isn't as long as the others but here is an idea, take your wife out on a date. Get a baby sitter or depending on the age and how you feel, try and get them to stay the night with friends. You can now take your wife for a nice romantic meal out and make the whole night special. It might just be enough to kick start your love life again.

Hope that helps you and inspires you.

x

7

I see where your coming from and its great you've identified issues and spoke about them with eachother, it sounds like you could use a bit of extra help, maybe some relationship counselling could be of great benefit to you both?

I can totally empathise with your wife. I am a nurse too. I am only 22, yet I am absolutley shattered all the time, and rarely feel lke having sex. I have just moved in with my partner who I love very much, but I feel for him because my job is so stressful I tend to come home in a bad mood most days (no matter how hard I try not to). Please understand it's very difficult for your wife not to bring her work home with her, we deal with some harrowing cases every day, combine this with all manner of shifts and its enough to kill any sex drive. It must be much harder for you both than I can imagine, as I have no kids yet. Sounds like you both have very busy stressful lives and it can be hard to take time out for eachother sometimes.

You don't say how old your kids are, but that can be another factor. It may be that your wife has lost her libido after having her children, which is incredibly common. There is lots that can be done about this, if your wife is willing.

I know its hard, but please be patient with her. You don't say what job you do but frankly with you both working shifts and her being a nurse, plus you having kids, I'm not surprised your love life is 'slow'. As long as you can both establish you still love eachother and want to work it out, you have the foundations to start getting back on track.

Its hard with shifts and kids, but try to set aside an evening every week or every fortnight to start, where you get a babysitter and spend time alone just the two of you. This is your time to reconnect, you can do what you like. A romantic meal is always good, as is a night in with the house to yourselves, think candles, wine and soft music, i'm sure your wife would appreciate a nice back massage (I know after a long day on the ward i'm very grateful when my partner does this - and it can often lead to other things! But don't expect it, or even hint at sex, it might make her feel pressured even though you don't mean it. Let her come to you).

It might feel like your getting nowhere at first, but its so important to just give her plenty of kisses and cuddles and make her feel relaxed. Once you've got the closeness back (without sex) the rest will follow. Please consider counselling, it could really help. From your post, it sounds like the classic stuck in a rut situation that comes to everyone rather than the end of a relationship. Let us know how you get on.

8

Hey Mr Sheen,

I really suggest you go to Relate. They are amazing, and will help ask you the right questions to get you talking with your wife in a more constructive way, so you're not just covering the same ground over and over. Doing this also makes sure that there is an hour every week where your relationship is given priority over everything else. I can't recommend them highly enough.

I know some people are reluctant or that there is some kind of stigma attached to talking to someone, but there really is no harm in trying it out.

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

SS xx