Since the birth of our baby (18 months ago), our sex life has been at best poor. K's sex drive was never the strongest pre baby, but she would be keen a couple of times a week, now I'm lucky if it is once a month! I know she is tired and that looking after a baby takes its toll, but I do have needs.
I do what I can to try and relax her and encourage her to get in the mood, but there seems to be no desire any more. Anybody have any ideas what more I can do to help?
I have booked a weekend away next month and got the grandparents to look after the baby- I'm hoping this time away will be what she needs to help her relax and feel horny again. I have seen the game Monogamy, would this type of thing be good to help stir her urges? any advice on how to make this weekend away as horny as possible would be gratefully received. thanks
sorry to hear that James. I know a lot of women go through this after having a baby. Have you tried talking to your partner about it, to make sure there is no underlying reason to your problem? For example, do you know it is not her confidence which is affecting her sex drive or maybe like you say, she is just too tired? Perhaps you need to establish whether the problem is psychological or physical? The lack of libido is probaby down to the change in hormones after the birth of your baby, but your child being 18 months old suggests that it is a long standing problem.
I think the communication would be key to finding out the source of the problem, and then you can take it from there.. I think if you understand the reasons for her loss of libido, then perhaps it will help you make the right decisions on how you can make your weekend away really special! good luck x
i felt exatly like your wife, my hubby was lucky if he got sex once a month. then i went away for 3 days with some mates and it was just wot i needed to relax and chill and be myself and not wife or mum. when i got back told my husband that we needed to spice up our sex life and since then things have been alot different and weve done things to each that we have never ever done before and weve been together for 18 years. since i went away to now weve been at most nights for a good few hours were as before our night of passion would last about an hour if we was lucky. take your time and she will soon be relaxing and your sex life will be back on track. to relax her run her a nice bath with some expensive bubble bath and light some candles put on some soft music and hand her a glass of wine and tell her to go and pamper herself .take her for a picnic in the park just the 2 of u. . u have to start back at the beginning and start dating/courting again!! goodluck
Sorry to hear things aren't what they should be James.
Does your patner/wife have post natal depression or is she just tired? Maybe a trip to the doctors for a chat might be worth while. I suffered really bad with PND and know sex was the last thing on my mind.
I think what you are doing with the weekend away is a great idea, sounds just exactly what you both need. I don't have Monogamy (heard it's great though) but do have Poker for Lovers which my boyfriend and I think is a great game. We have a great laugh with it. It really opens things up and gets you to do things you might not have thought of doing, I guess most of the games are the same, so whatever one you go for will do the trick. Have you though about a nice massage candle? They smell amazing and great for a nice relaxing massage.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Firstly, have you sat down and talked about things like contraception or having another baby? If not, that might be an idea: it can take a while to stop thinking of your body as some functional mommy-bot, and she could be just starting to get used to the idea of being a woman again as opposed to a gestation-lactation wreck of a body. And the thought of going through that again could be scary. Make sure you know how she feels about that, and you're on the same page so that she doesn't have to feel guilty for wanting to wait a little longer. Or she might even miss being pregnant, it's quite a powerful bond that she's lost, and she might want another but feel like you want the recovery period. Whatever way it is, be positive that she and you are on the same page.
Another thing to remember that her body went through a massive trauma, and in a woman's head, it's always going to be more than "just a little scar" or "no real difference". She might be feeling conscious of the changes in her body, because even if she lost all the weight, has no stretch marks, no boob-droopage, no scars or weakened muscles, chances are she'll think there's somethign different, and might be embarassed to have you see a lesser version of what she was. Make sure you take time to explore her body and reassure her of how beautiful she is. Don't try and avoid any new imperfections, you don't want her to feel like she has to keep hiding them: remind her that every little bump and crease is a symbol of her love for you and your child. She isn't just "almost as good as before", she's better. But don't be trite and insincere, if there is something that genuinely grosses you out or turns you off, talk about it beforehand, and see if there's anything you can do, like exercises to tighten weakened muscles, or creams to fade scars and stretch marks, just as long as it's constructive. You need her to remember she's attractive to you.
And be sure you're doing all you can on a daily non-sexual basis to remind her that she is a sensual being, not just a mother and housekeeper. Little kisses and cuddles, for no reason other than to show affection, are rarely unwelcome. Book her a hair appointment, take the baby and send her off to relax and be pampered. Rent a movie you know she likes or wants to see, and when the baby's asleep, cuddle up together to watch it. As others have said a nice massage, time alone like you've planned, and making sure to help as much as you can so she's getting some sleep, all will help her relax and feel like part of a unit instead of a servant running on empty half the time. Unless she feels loved and rested and beautiful, she's going to find it hard to make that transition back from mother to lover.
Thank you all for your ideas and opinions, it's great to get some female perspective on the situation- not something I can really discuss with my mates over a pint!
We have talked about the situation and K does recognise that there is a problem and she wants to resolve it, she isn't depressed or have PND. I think it's just going to take time, lots of deep baths and sensual massages coming up for her! I already tell her how gorgeous she is, but she isn't as confident about her body as she was pre baby. Made a step in the right direction today though- she has decided enough is enough and she is going to get fit by going running.
Thanks again to you all- any more ideas of how to spice things up (when we get to that stage) would be great. xx
Glad you have spoken to her about the situation James- that's the first step in the right direction! Just make sure you tell her how beautiful she is a million times a day and make her confidence in her own right! good luck x