Me and my SO are very open about sex, and we have introduced role play and light BDSM into our sex life with great success. I am definitely a much kinkier person than him though, and open to trying pretty much anything. The other day I told him about a fantasy I have about DP, either with him and another man or him and a toy (he won't try any toys though so didn't think he would go for that part). He was really taken aback and said no way so I said that was completely fine and just something I was curious about. The last few days it has obviously been on his mind and we had a big argument last night where he admitted that he sees a threesome as 'legitimized cheating' and that when I suggested the idea he was so disgusted with the idea he could hardly look at me. Hearing him say that really shook me up and i got really upset as I had no idea he felt that strongly against them otherwise I would never have suggested. He now says that he feels he won't be able to fulfil my desires and that he isn't enough for me, despite me telling him that its just a fantasy and he is all I need. How can I help us move past this and get back to a good place where we still feel we can both be open about our desires with eachother?
I am very sorry to hear about this... There are lovely members in this forum that are more experienced than me in such things, so I'll let them give you more advice about how to move on. In short, he feels insufficient, this hurts his ego and makes him sad but also jealous. You need to talk things through, calmly, openly and honestly. Reassure him you love and desire him and he is more than enough.
However, and after your relationship has gotten better, you could maybe suggest a threesome with another woman, and she can wear a strap on (if your husband isn't against it, since it's a toy).
It really does just take some deep and meaningful conversations.
I find, for our relationship, conversations like this are more effective in bed. We often lay in bed, cuddled up and had our emotional conversations like this; maybe because it's more intimate, I'm not sure, I just know that it generally works best for us.
Maybe you could have the conversation about boundaries and what each of you constitutes as cheating - I mean is 'cheating' simply a physical act or is it a romantic emotional connection with someone else? Is it ever possible to separate the two things? If it's just the physical act, what then happens to your relationship if, for whatever reason, one of you was unable to be physical with the other; would it mean the end of your relationship? Or is there more to it than that? - I'm not saying that there is any right or wrong answer; these things vary from person to person, and couple to couple; and even change over time as well. ie. maybe that's how he sees things at the minute, maybe he still will see it like that in a few years or maybe he'll see things differently.
It's definitely worthwhile having the conversation. Discuss about why it makes you curious; acknowledge how this fantasy makes him feel and try to understand that and try to explain how you feel about it and ask him to acknowledge and try to understand your point of view also. Maybe you can both compromise and try it with a toy or something.
Good luck xx
You need to let him calm down a bit. Although you may have been thinking about this for a while, this is the first he has heard of it (and clearly it’s not something he has fantasised about). Let him process it and when he is ready he will talk to you about it. It’s unlikely that he will want to try it, but he might at least be able to understand why you suggested it. If things are still strained after a couple of weeks, then bring up the conversation yourself
Personally, I wouldn’t advise suggesting a threesome with another woman, as I don’t think the extra penis is the issue.
I cant help so much as i havent been in this situation & always seem to have the same fantasys so Hopfully someone who's been in this situation could give you better advice.
However You have done the best thing and spoke about it. That's much better than not knowing. A honest relationship is always best. How do u Think he would take it if you showed him this post, so he can see how you are really feeling and how awful you now feel? Mention to him that your relationship has always been very open & you was just doing this. If he is still different in a few days once he's calmed down id bring it back up. It was only a suggestion and you shouldn't be beating yourself up about it.
wish you the best of luck , let us know how you get on!x
I feel for you, I went through a very similar version of your experience back in the summer. My husband tolerates toys, but is 100% against any person, regardless of gender, being involved in our relationship, which is unfortunate to say the least. He got very upset the day after we had discussed it one night (post sex, all relaxed, no argument or anything). His exact words the following morning were ‘I don’t want to do this but I’m going to have to to keep you’. I felt awful for even bringing it up, like he thought I would force him to have threesomes or go swinging otherwise I would leave him.
I understood and respected his wishes, and reassured him as best I could that I wouldn’t ever want to coerce him into doing anything sexual that he wasn’t comfortable with. My wants in those respects are just going to have to stay as fantasies. At least you have had that conversation, hopefully he will be ok about it all once he realises that it was just that, a conversation. Much like with my husband, it is , understandably, something that is going to dent his confidence a little bit, but lots of reassurance should do the trick. Best wishes to you both.
Just remind him that it is a fantasy and not something you want to act out. My OH often talks about an imaginary third person when we are having kinky play but would totally freak out if we ever tried it. She is way too jealous!
Thankyou everyone, reading all your comments really helped me not freak out so much! It was a very relaxed cuddly post-sex conversation we had, not said during sex or anything confrontational at all! We have ended up talking it out and after seeing how upset I was I think he understood that I had really just meant it as a fun thing I'd like to try completely harmlessly, and would never have suggested it in the first place if I knew how upset he would be. The double penetration side of it we are thinking of exploring more through toys, fingers etc. Which is a big step ahead of where I ever thought we would be as he is very intimidated by toys, but I feel that the conversation channels are staying open with regards to that and he's definitely trying to consciously broaden his mind for me. I think the whole threesome thing will definitely be staying just a fantasy, and one that I will never bring up again! Hopefully though it means more honesty between us, will keep you posted....