No idea if this appropriate to be posting here (mods if not, please feel free to delete).
I have been seeing a guy since February on a FwB term - originally it wasn't going to be that way, but it seems to have panned out down that route! Anyway I saw him a few weeks ago; had amazing sex and when we finished we just chilled out. He went to the bathroom and came back and asked me a Q . I said go ahead to which he asked ''Would you consider a threesome?'' Completely shocked, taken back by what he said, I couldn't actually talk! So I think I muttered something along the lines of ''Be a bit awkward if I know the person'' to which he replied with ''No, you don't know her'' . .at that point he let it out the bag that as well as me he's been sleeping around, which I had a feeling he was even though he lied to me and said he wasn't!
Anyway . .although I bolted and said no, and turned my back on him in bed and went to sleep - the idea has played on mind a lot. Played on my mind because 1) am I just some 'object' to FwB to which he can use as and when it suits, 2) the thought does kinda interest me but the fear of STD scares the living hell out of me, and 3) guilt would kill me thereafter the ordeal and haunt me forever and a day.
My Q to you all really - am I the only one who has mixed reservations for 3-somes, or is what I am feeling completely natural? I'm not saying no to it completely, just that I would rather fulfil somethings in a relationship which I am not with this guy, but would love to (although as the saying goes ''I don't think he's that into you''. . . .
Firstly, I'm inclined to agree with Sunshine,Lollipops on the whole "FWB = no strings, no stress" thing, but it kind of sounds like you both wanted different things from this arrangement;
originally it wasn't going to be that way, but it seems to have panned out down that route!
In which case it's probably worth taking a moment to step back and make sure that, while it's clear that he's getting what he wants - treating it as no strings, sleeping around, etc - is this where you want things to be/to be heading?
Secondly, I think it's already pretty obvious by your reaction to his question; you don't seem/sound ready for this. You have clear, legitimate concerns and fears that probably wouldn't be as much (if at all) an issue if you were in a stable, safe relationship where you felt comfortable to explore into this sort of territory.
You are open to thinking about it, and that's great. But don't feel like you have to rush or push yourself into something you have such strong fears and doubts over. I'd tell him you're not completely closed to the idea, but that you're not ready/at that stage in your "arrangement" to go further.
At the end of the day, having a threesome is something that you'll be ready for if and when you're ready for it, and not before. You're curiosity and desire should outweight your fear, otherwise, like you said, you're likely to end up regretting it.
I'm confused. Isn't the point of a FWB thing that it's no-strings fun? Is there such a thing as sleeping around if you are one or have I got my wires crossed?
As for threesomes, I suppose they're not for everyone and it's down to personal choice. I had one when I was single but wouldn't now I'm married. It's totally up to you.
Well . . the sex kinda just started happening - FwB was not what we both had in mind. He said seeing as we're ''here'' might as well keep it going, and if things get more serious then we'll take the r'ship route, but this has been going on since February!? I have drawn this up as it won't be a r'ship, end of, and I am slowly drawing myself away as I do like him, but the feelings aren't mutual.
The idea does make me very curious but at the same time the guilt and the feeling of ''embarassment'' and disgust lingers over me too!
first rule of threesome - all THREE of you have to up for it with no doubts.
If you have any doubts whatsoever then do not get involved. Particularly i this case where you are FwB's and not in a relationship - so you will have no one to talk to after if it is troubling you.
Firstly, I'm inclined to agree with Sunshine,Lollipops on the whole "FWB = no strings, no stress" thing, but it kind of sounds like you both wanted different things from this arrangement;
originally it wasn't going to be that way, but it seems to have panned out down that route!
In which case it's probably worth taking a moment to step back and make sure that, while it's clear that he's getting what he wants - treating it as no strings, sleeping around, etc - is this where you want things to be/to be heading?
Secondly, I think it's already pretty obvious by your reaction to his question; you don't seem/sound ready for this. You have clear, legitimate concerns and fears that probably wouldn't be as much (if at all) an issue if you were in a stable, safe relationship where you felt comfortable to explore into this sort of territory.
You are open to thinking about it, and that's great. But don't feel like you have to rush or push yourself into something you have such strong fears and doubts over. I'd tell him you're not completely closed to the idea, but that you're not ready/at that stage in your "arrangement" to go further.
At the end of the day, having a threesome is something that you'll be ready for if and when you're ready for it, and not before. You're curiosity and desire should outweight your fear, otherwise, like you said, you're likely to end up regretting it.
Anyway, as ever, good luck and have fun!
You've hit the nail right on the head?! Everything you have said is exactly what and how I am feeling.
first rule of threesome - all THREE of you have to up for it with no doubts.
If you have any doubts whatsoever then do not get involved. Particularly i this case where you are FwB's and not in a relationship - so you will have no one to talk to after if it is troubling you.
And that's what bothers me . . no one to talk to thereafter, and the fact that he is sleeping with other people bothers me as well. Yes it's a FwB arrangement (although he said to me whilst setting ground rules he wasn't sleeping with anyone else . .I'm not as I'm very choosy and picky with who I sleep with). It's one rule for one and one rule for another.
Glad I stood my ground, and did not do it just because he wanted it.
and the fact that he is sleeping with other people bothers me as well. Yes it's a FwB arrangement (although he said to me whilst setting ground rules he wasn't sleeping with anyone else
Yeah... it looks like you need to have a chat and revisit the terms of your arrangement. You're not happy about not being exclusive. Do you want an actual relationship with him? If so will he be willing to drop the FWB and commit? The fact he agreed and then went behind your back anyway is a big red flag. It might be time to consider quitting while you're "ahead", i.e. before you get any more hurt.
In any case, "the talk" is due before decisions are made.
and the fact that he is sleeping with other people bothers me as well. Yes it's a FwB arrangement (although he said to me whilst setting ground rules he wasn't sleeping with anyone else
Yeah... it looks like you need to have a chat and revisit the terms of your arrangement. You're not happy about not being exclusive. Do you want an actual relationship with him? If so will he be willing to drop the FWB and commit? The fact he agreed and then went behind your back anyway is a big red flag. It might be time to consider quitting while you're "ahead", i.e. before you get any more hurt.
In any case, "the talk" is due before decisions are made.
. . .To be honest with the lying I'm not interested in a r'ship anymore - I was to begin with because I really did/do fancy the pants off him. But if he's sleeping with others behind my back, being dishonest in a FwB arrangement, a r'ship definitely won't work. I am slowly stepping back from the situation anyway and I hoping my silent treatment speaks volumes! If none of this was an issue, and I could see it potentially going down the r'ship route, then I would consider the 3-some, but only when confirmation of a commitment was on the cards, which it is not
You say STDs scare the he'll out of you but he has been sleeping with both of you anyway, if he is sleeping around you are at just as much risk as him.
The whole fwb thing is meant to be all fun...no strings...no seriousness. It's just about the sex and that's it. If one gets too serious that's when problems can start. It comes across that you possibly wanted more than just the fwb arrangement. Having a threesome with him though would be a mistake in my opinion so I think you are right to run for the hills and let him find someone else who will do it with him. Just be careful and put your needs first
With your concern of STD's, may I suggest you visit your local GUM clinic or Family Planning clinc? If he has been sleeping with others, condoms aren't 100% safe and that is if he has even been using them. You should be able to google for your nearest clinic.
Secondly, I don't think you are quite ready for a threesome, especially if you don't trust your FwB and have no-one to discuss it with before and after and your cocerns over guilt or possible regret. It's best to leave some things for fantasy.
FWB situations don't have to be anything goes. They can also be monogamous or closed (involving certain others but not just anyone). Long-term polyamorous situations can be open or closed as well, like a stable multi-party relationship. That's why it's important for everyone involved to be on the same page and to check in with that periodically because things do change.
And yes, it's possible for someone to go behind the other person's back if they're not honest about what they're doing.
STDs are just one reason to decide to put limits on a FWB or poly relationship. If people are FWB because they're both too busy for a full time relationship, sleeping with just anyone will cut into what time they do have. Things like that.
As for the original poster, there are too many red flags in what you've written for me to be comfortable with it. I suspect you might not be as selective in who you sleep with as you'd like to think. Or could it be that it applies to appearance more than who he is as a person?
Are you getting anything out of this that you want?
You say STDs scare the he'll out of you but he has been sleeping with both of you anyway, if he is sleeping around you are at just as much risk as him.
. . . I am only speculating it's just me and the other girl . . I have a feeling there are more . . .!! When this whole FwB started we had an agreement that we'd only be sleeping with each other, and that be it! However the last time I slept with him (5/6weeks ago), he mentioned the whole threesome business, and then proceeded to scrolling through his phonebook to the 'girl' lined up for the threesome! I even asked how old she was, to which he replied very quickly ''<age>''. So that to me illustrates he's been bouncing between the 2 of us for quite sometime!!! :( I just feel like a right fool, to say the least, but also hurt. Yes I know it was a FwB arrangement, but I've literally only been seeing him and no one else as I didn't want to complicate things and be hopping from one man to the next (not my style).
The whole fwb thing is meant to be all fun...no strings...no seriousness. It's just about the sex and that's it. If one gets too serious that's when problems can start. It comes across that you possibly wanted more than just the fwb arrangement. Having a threesome with him though would be a mistake in my opinion so I think you are right to run for the hills and let him find someone else who will do it with him. Just be careful and put your needs first
When we first met and had a chat about it, both of us never intended for things to go down this path. I didn't intend for it to happen and was hoping that it would lead to a r'ship, but evidently that is not going to be the case.
As for the threesome - I'm not going there as I am not confident or comfortable with the whole arrangement, and I don't see why I should be used to fulfil a need/his fantasy and completely forgetting about what I really want.
With your concern of STD's, may I suggest you visit your local GUM clinic or Family Planning clinc? If he has been sleeping with others, condoms aren't 100% safe and that is if he has even been using them. You should be able to google for your nearest clinic.
Secondly, I don't think you are quite ready for a threesome, especially if you don't trust your FwB and have no-one to discuss it with before and after and your cocerns over guilt or possible regret. It's best to leave some things for fantasy.
Yes, I intend to visit the GUM clinic asap. We've always used condoms and I'm on the Coil. But the fact he's been with other people actually makes me feel sick! Also the thought of lying in his bed, knowing full well some other woman was probably there the night before, repulses me even more! Thank god however that I was firm, put my foot down and did not let him for once ejaculate inside me (without a condom) as he's pestered me before, and I have vowed never to do that in a FwB arrangement, unless it goes to a r'ship.
As for the threesome, yes I agree with you - I am 100% not ready for a threesome - perhaps when I get into a relationship with someone I trust and etc, then I would consider it. But right now, this definitely is not the right situation to be doing such 'activities'.
FWB situations don't have to be anything goes. They can also be monogamous or closed (involving certain others but not just anyone). Long-term polyamorous situations can be open or closed as well, like a stable multi-party relationship. That's why it's important for everyone involved to be on the same page and to check in with that periodically because things do change.
And yes, it's possible for someone to go behind the other person's back if they're not honest about what they're doing.
STDs are just one reason to decide to put limits on a FWB or poly relationship. If people are FWB because they're both too busy for a full time relationship, sleeping with just anyone will cut into what time they do have. Things like that.
As for the original poster, there are too many red flags in what you've written for me to be comfortable with it. I suspect you might not be as selective in who you sleep with as you'd like to think. Or could it be that it applies to appearance more than who he is as a person?
Are you getting anything out of this that you want?
Thank you for your response; very thought provoking and I am in agreement with all.
As for the last paragraph - I am very selective in who I sleep with - until I started sleeping with this guy, I hadn't had sex in 18m, have only slept with 4 people! I have had requests in the past for sex, but have always said no. On that alone, I like to think I am very picky. However what you've said regarding appearence - has also played a factor! I think I am just confused, beyond no longer able to think about this situation anymore. The only thing I am getting out of it is decent sex, that is it! Unlike him - he's getting a variety of vaginas - playing me, this other girl and god knows who else off against one another!?!
. . Can I also thank you all for your responses - all very helpful and thought provoking to my situation. Unfortunately I am unable to talk to anyone regarding the whole thing as I don't want people thinking differently about me and etc.