Before I start this thread, I just want to say - my girlfriend and i have a fantastic relationship together, we get along incredibly well and we always tell each other how much we love each other....... However....
We have been together for around 3 years or so, and in the last year our sex life seems to have all but disappeared. I get incredibly turned on by her, and sometimes I try to show that, but she just seems to have completely lost interest in having sex. At the start of our relationship we were having sex 1-2 times every day, but now it is more like once every 3 months, and even then I feel it is mainly because she feels obliged to.
We are both relatively young (22) and I feel that while my sex drive is huge, my girlfriend just doesn't seem particularly interested. Despite that, our relationship together feels like it is really strong otherwise. (Is this situation common??)
Lovehoney Community - I need your help! Please help me narrow down what, if anything, might be wrong!
it's quite common for couples to have mis matched sex drives.
have you considered all the usual stuff, like changes of medication ( hormonal contraception can greatly affect it) any external stress or worries or change of schedules between you two?
have you also descussed the idea that it's because she feels obligated to? she may feel differently about that and it's good to let each other know how you feel.
Although you have a great relationship it may be worth spending some quality time together if you dont do so allready, like a date once a month ( even if it's just a nice home cooked meal and some wine) might help?
Think you need to talk to her if you haven't already. Try not to make it all about the sex though, if she feels like your putting pressure on her then she may not be open with you or go on the defensive so make it more about her physical wellbeing and happiness etc. Of course you still need to say how you feel about it but don't just jump in with it, get her talking first if you can and just as importantly try to understand and respect whatever she says so you can move forwards with the situation.
Also I know you said you have a good relationship etc but are you taking the time to make her feel special and loved in general? It's something my partner doesn't do anymore and as a result I just feel more distant from him and I think if he doesn't bother then why should I continue doing stuff for him either (not just sex related)
do you think she is bored, feels taken for granted, over worked, under appreciated? Is life set in routine? When you do make love do you make the effort to give her a good time? Does she enjoy it?
Thanks for the feedback. Just to answer a few of those points (sorry in advance for long post, I know these things get complicated!).....
- my gf is on the pill and has been for a fair few years, yes.
- we both go through stresses in our jobs, but i feel that even when we are relaxed there is no impulse to have sex. although i know she does worry about her job a lot...
- i try my best to make special occasions where possible - the last few weekends i have taken her out for nice meals etc, which she seems to really appreciate, and I am hoping to increase this if possible.
- i do try my very best not to pressure her. i haven't really mentioned our (lack of) sex life much at all in the last few weeks, but even when i do mention it, it doesn't seem to do much good... :(
- when we occasionally DO have sex, it often goes very well (although admittedly she sometimes does say it hurts these days, i think probably because we do it so infrequently. think she may worry about this sometimes?).
there's way to stop it hurting like lube which might work with the physical side - remember there's also the mental side of that too ( if you expect it to hurt it usually will)
- i do try my very best not to pressure her. i haven't really mentioned our (lack of) sex life much at all in the last few weeks, but even when i do mention it, it doesn't seem to do much good... :(
- when we occasionally DO have sex, it often goes very well (although admittedly she sometimes does say it hurts these days, i think probably because we do it so infrequently. think she may worry about this sometimes?).
Thanks again, everyone.
find out why it hurts, I suggest buying a lubricant
We have started using lube, yes. I think it definitely does help at least....
I have also suggested that sex doesn't always have to be 'penetrative' and that I am also happy to have non-penetrative foreplay / other sexual fun etc if that helps.
Despite that, she must either still worry about it, or just doesn't have an interest in it.. :(
Have you considered the possibility her needs maybe being fullfilled elsewhere?
a bit harsh, as advice
It's ok, I am very confident this isn't the case...! I realise that this may always be a possibility in relationships, but I feel very secure in knowing our relationship together is honestly very strong on the whole.
pwf what does she say, is she interested? has she any ideas what if is wrong. The ladies here know much more about the effects of the pill that may be something, we used the pill but didnt have any real probs, although her drive did increase when I had the snip. Talk to her, on the understanding its not a lead up to sex.
Have you considered the possibility her needs maybe being fullfilled elsewhere?
a bit harsh, as advice
It's ok, I am very confident this isn't the case...! I realise that this may always be a possibility in relationships, but I feel very secure in knowing our relationship together is honestly very strong on the whole.
pwf all men think about it at least once its a redundant question.
Pill can really kill sex drive for some women. Not all, as women react very differently to the hormones in the pills. I would suggest trying to change the pill or going off it.
Also if she is taking any other meds, they may be messing up with her sex drive.
Stress can be a huge killer for me, but not that drastic.
But you would have to talk to her. Take it easy, as there may be not the best of reactions, if she feels under pressure. This is tricky. I been through similar conversation, but about something bit different and I was really worried about his reaction.
When i was on the pill i had NO sex drive whatsoever!! Id of happily of never had sex. Its wasnt until id come off it and become my normal self again that i realised id been a grumpy, boring cow! How about suggesting non hormonal contraception?
Hi i know how you are feeling i have a post on here along the same lines, maybe some advice on there for you ? I ended up writing my OH a letter of exactly how i was feeling at the time, it was brutally honest but those were my honest feelings and sometimes the truth hurts.Dont get me wrong i didnt intend any hurt but felt it was time he knew my feelings, i left him the letter and headed to the beach with my dog and book and gave him time to mull it over 5 hours later and 50 shades of grey read i returned home where we had a long talk, he didnt realise how much his passive actions hurt me deep down as far as he was concerned he didnt want sex he was tired end of for me i felt like he didnt love me fancy me or want me , not very helpful there probably but thats what worked for us.