In need of advice

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi, firstly I hope this is the right place to post this.

So me and my gf have been in a solid relationship for almost 2 years. However, over the last 6 months her sex drive has decreased a lot, to the point where I'm lucky if we have sex once a fortnight! I have overlooked this for some time because I love her to bits, sex is not the reason I'm with her. The problem is my sex drive is almost always through the roof and pleasuring myself just does not help. The worst part is that she will get horny at the most inconvenient times and so its almost like its my fault that we no longer have sex. I have tried talking to her many times, but the eventual outcome is only a few tears. Its got to the point where I feel like she isn't attracted to be any more, but loves me like a sister or friend would, and this isn't right. I'm scared that I'm going to start looking elsewhere and succumbing to temptation, something I promised myself I would never do. Friends my age who are not in a relationship are having sex a lot more than me. Its embarrassing and it makes me feel inadequate. Maybe I'm just no good in bed?

So, is there anything else I can do? Is there a way to boost her sex drive? Or is there way to lower mine so evenings of watching tv, playing candy crush and going to sleep don't bore me to tears?

Is there anything I can do for valentines day that might reignite our relationship?

2

Sorry to hear you're both going through this. We as a couple are going through the same, he's just not into sex as much as I am. Is your girlfriend on any hormonal contraception? I found it wouldn't only kill my sex drive but made sex really painful.

3

Sorry I can't come up with anything more original, but there was a lot of talk these days about games on here. A board game might be a fun way to reignite passion without falling into routine. Search around the forum to find the best one for your needs.

It could be a hormonal thing, or a latent depression or stress that lowered her libido. It could have any number of reasons that are not related to not being attracted to you or in love with you anymore. But only an honest open talk would uncover the truth.

If it's routine that makes sex unappealing to her, a common suggestion on here is to browse LH together and choose some items to try out, or do a (free) online or app based sex quiz and then talk it through for new exciting ideas and fantasies, or even just choose a porn to watch together.

My best advice is to be honest about it. The best recipe for any successful relationship is comunication. Tell her exactly how this is becomeing a big issue for you and it will not end well. And tell her you expect the same honesty back. In my experience, a happy relationship needs both parties' willingness to work on it. Happiness in a long term does not come on its own, if you let it linger, it will fade. You both have to put a constant effort in and after doing it for a while, it will seem like the natural flow of things and not so much like an assignment anymore.

Hope you will work it out with her.

4

I'm in the same situation hete except I know what have caused it. I'm waiting for people to answer to this thread so it can help me too. Sorry to ear there is too manu people in that sad situation

5

Guess i am really lucky in the sense that me and my wife have sex twice a day, usually in the morning and last thing at night. Never really turned me down either i would say less than several times a year she may decide she is not up for it. The one thing that has dereased though is oral, she would give me around 2-3 blow jobs a week, this has now decreased to around 1-2 a month.

6

Sarah's wench you don't really look like you think about her, only whether she gives you sex and bj's or not

7

Sarah's wench wrote:

Guess i am really lucky in the sense that me and my wife have sex twice a day, usually in the morning and last thing at night. Never really turned me down either i would say less than several times a year she may decide she is not up for it. The one thing that has dereased though is oral, she would give me around 2-3 blow jobs a week, this has now decreased to around 1-2 a month.

Probably not what sexychris wants to read right now, your not getting any but hey I get lots.

SC. wine, roses, chocolates always good, could you let her look at what's on offer here on Love honey, to see if anything took her fancy? Or would she feel she was being pressured?

8

Yes sorry i guess i sound a bit of an arse, need to think more about my replies, yes the sex is good but it is not the perfect relationship, guess you can not have it all.

9

Hi.

Firstly I want to say that you are most definitely not alone. Most relationships have "stale patches".

Secondly don't pay any attention to the statistics that fly around. You know the "average couples have sex x amount of times a week". Most of them are rubbish and anyways who's to say what is and isn't normal?

We went through a huge patch a few years or so ago where I just wasn't interested in sex. It just kinda happened and before you knew it it was literally months in between sexual encounters. I don't really know the reason, some of it was tiredness, some of it was I was unconfident in my skin having put on weight, and some of it was just not exciting enough I guess.

Then we found lovehoney, and we started testing for them. And it opened up our eyes to new and exciting ways to have sex. Ways to push our boundaries. Ways to have fun. Ways to explore eachother physically and emotionally.

We have been together 11 years this year and married for 7. I think. Lol .

But we don't have sex everyday. Some weeks we have it 5 or more times a week, others it's only 1. As working parents it really does depend on the week and how busy we are.

The best advice I can,give you is talk to her. I know you said you have tried. Why not browse the lovehoney site with her? Say you want to treat her to some new toys/lingerie and want her to help you choose? Maybe get some massage oil and have a nice massage taking it in turns.

I'm sorry for the essay I do hope I've helped.

Much love

Pa x

10

0K.

So you've over looked the decreasing sex for a while but have you over looked anything else ? Is she tired, maybe shes working long hours ? If you're spendijng your evenings playing candy crush and watching TV maybe shes feeling neglected ? How about a cuddling session during the evening...no sex, just cuddle, she wont feel pressured or that sex is all you want from her ? How about a few day trips out together, holding hands etc ? The odd text message telling her you're missing her and you're thinking of her ? You say you love her to bits and I'm sure you do....but how often do you tell her that ? Maybe you feel that she isnt attracted to you any longer but maybe she feels that she not appreciated ?

I'm not saying you do, or dont do, all of these things but if you dont make her feel wanted and loved, and I dont mean just when you want sex, then why would she want sex with you ?

Please never tell her that you're embarrassed by her apparent lack of sex drive ...if you do it will become nonexistant, at least with you ! (and incidently noboddy is ever goijng to know how often you do or dont have sex unless you choose to tell them) Instead of considering going elsewhere, work at fixing this.....if thats what you want. Have a look through here together if shes agreeable. Maybe have a look at some sexy lingerie first, or perhaps suggest a nice massage, Lovehoney do some really great oils, I'm sure you could look at those together first. Whatever you do dont just click on the toy pages and say 'here honey, look at all these, shall we get some?'

I realise how frustrating this is for you. My hubby and I have quite different sex drives but ours is the opposite to you. I'd happily have sex 20 times a day if he was up for it but its about finding a middle ground that makes you both happy. x

11

I will have probably a slightly different take on tHis than some of the others. Can you remember what it was like the very first week that you started going out with your princess ? I bet it was good and exciting. Well, that is what I think ,perhaps you should try and go back to those type of days without turning the clock back.Perhaps you just need that spark in the relationship to bring the sizzle back.

First of all if you can, is to forget about sex for a while .I think you could do with getting the relationship back on track first.

Perhaps a bit of "US Time" should be on the cards and start going out on date nights. Places to go could be those pubs that you both frequented in your early dating days ,perhaps having dinner out and trips to the cinema. Anything will do to get you both together doing things together and away from the usual routine. When you go out for dinner both of you should dress to impress In such away that you fancy the pants off each other again.

In the evenin gs during the week start thinking about more cuddling and kissing. Perhaps bring a duvet down from the bedroom and snuggle up in it on the sofa .Whilst doing that perhaps look at Lovehoney lingerie section and discuss outfits . Complament her and perhaps, mention to her by saying "I would like to see you in that. What do you think?"

Another thing you could do is perhaps buy her flowers occasionally .Most ladies luv flowers and appreciate the message that they bring ie that you love her and worship her .

Just try some or all of these things slowly and I think it will put that Va Va Voom back again

Sex will come back eventually but be prepared to compromise a bit on that side of things.

Good luck

13

Thank you all for your very kind advice, its nice to know I'm not alone

14

alone4ever wrote:

Hi

There is obviously something that is bothering her or she wouldn't end up crying when you try to talk to her. I don't think she has gone over to thinking of you as a sister would or she wouldn't get horny at all.

Getting her to talk is the only way to get her through this, she is not a car you can't just have her retuned for racing, by uping her sex drive.

I'm going to throw a long ball here as there is little to go on. If she has a much lower sex drive than you; and from what you say about you thats not difficult to be true. Then she may have been giving you sex when she wasn't really up for it for most of your relationship, and now she feels that it's getting too much for her to do this. If when she does feel horny, and you for what ever reason find it inconvenient, and I don't know what you class as inconvenient, or do you mean litterally impossible times, but she may be feeling that she has being giving it to you when she didn't want it and now you won't do the same for her; that is going to make her feel she is in a one sided relationship. She must love you or she wouldn't still be around, she may be getting turned on by your unavailabillity at those times she does want sex and you can't.

Try going back to basics, kissing holding and touching, massages but not the erotic kind, wispered words of love, and a little sprinkling of desire, give her lots of attention that do not lead to sex. and wait for her to make the moves, for her to want you because you have become unavalible all the time, so to speak. let her know that you are waiting for her to be that way with you when she is ready, and hold on.

How much sex your mates are getting and the fact that they are gettng more than you shouldn't be of concern for you; how much sex you get doesn't give you the measure of the man, how much you love and support the woman who loves you is what makes you a real man.

Youth has it's pains and raging horniness for a guy is one of them, find other things to take your mind off it or learn to love pleasuring yourself; but don't hurt her by cheating. If you must, then let her go, but maybe it's time to show some maturity and try to make it work with her; you have given her 2 years of your life so that shows you care, and you can for a long term relationship

^ This, OMG!

It couldn't agree more.

Being in your gf's situation maybe I can give you some advices too.

As terri JJ said, make her feel loved and wanted, and not only when you want to have sex. If shee feels that you want to cuddle her only when you're horny she will not feel loved and will feel like you only try to make her feel good when you have something to gain from it. Don't pressure her into anything. When you tell her that you want her, put emphasis on the fact that you don't want sex because it's good for you, but because it's good for her and you want her to be satisfied because you love her. Put her pleasure before yours and let her know you do. I know it can be hard to want sex when you feel like the other person is not interested in it but you really need to hold on to it. If both of you get tired of the situation and that causes you two to never want sex anymore, you're screwed.

Other thing, when you do have sex, make sure she is completly satisfied. I feel really down right now because i'm not physically satisfied, and because we focus on that I feel like i'm not emotionally satisfied. Try to satisfy her on both levels. You may need to talk to her to know what are her needs. For the emotional part, it may help too to agree on simply cuddling without it leading to sex. This will get pressure off her and make sure she is in a good mood about you're relashionship and feel close to you. Also, make sure you make her know and feel that you love her just as much even if you're in a rough situation.

Last thing, you may need to talk to her to know the cause of all that, because as alone4ever said, maybe she never really was into sex and was only doing it for you. This was my case when I first got with my bf. I had been with boys before that who had forced me into sex and since it was my first experiences I never learnt to enjoy sex and I never thought it was for me too to enjoy. So the first aproximativly first year with my boyfriend I was still in that pattern, when I realised that it was not normal and that he was not like the other and that something was wrong with me. I am now slowly recovering from all that, but it is really hard for both of us. The most important thing that came out of this is that it is now verry important for both of us that we are both into it when we have sex. I can say too that dicovering lovehoney has helped a lot. It helped me to take control of my own sexuality because we buy thing to make my experience better during sex. Maybe i'm getting too far and it's not you're girlfriend situation as alone4ever did suggest, but if it is, you really wanna know and make sure you take care of it.

Good luck with that, I hope my experience can help you :)

15

Again, thank you all.

Okay I don't feel like I neglect her in any way, nor do I ever pressure her to have sex. I show her love and affection all the time, BUT maybe I don't? I agree that we need to go back to the start of our relationship, and do the things that made us so happy in those first few months.

Just to clear something up, cuddles are the norm. I love them just as much as she does and I don't feel that she is unhappy. You have no idea how many times I send her to sleep with back rubs, give her foot rubs after a long day or tell her that I love her. My problem seems to be that I don't get much back. She would much rather talk about the weeks meal planning than surprise me with a dinner date. 

I think my problem was always that I really struggled to see things from her point of view, something which you guys have helped me with (and actually made me feel like a bit of an idiot).

In the next few weeks I will try some of your suggestions and see how it goes, and let you know

Thank you again

PS, I love this woman more than the world itself and although I am unhappy I would never judge her for not liking sex, I just wish she would tell me rather than avoiding it whenever we talk about it 

16

Unfortunately Chris that is the slightly different roles we have in the relationship she is the princess and you are the handsome prince That means that you may well have to run around her,leading her , organising etc etc.

My Mrs is the same she likes having her backrubbed and scatched . By the way those pin wheels are excellent for that as well. So when you have done her why not ask her to do yours in return. Thats what I do and in fact I began too like it as much .For that reason we both end up sometimes topless in the evening without any follow up sex.

As an idea why don't you get one of those books on erotic massage as you could take this further from the back rubbing department . I have just bought one from Lovehoney but its too early for me to recommend the same book to you yet.

And no I don't think your an idiot far from it. I think you are a nice caring guy and just needed some ideas and a ittle direction to go in .

But going back to do things as you used to do will be fun and exciting as we did when our relationship needed an injection .

Good luck mate

17

You are not alone at all OP.
I'm in the same situation with my wife. Unfortunately my wife isn't very well at present, she has been diagnosed with something called "pancreas divisum" and is currently awaiting treatment, she is in constant pain with pancreatitis pains, and she also has IBS which doesn't help either. She has the odd good day that we like to take advantage of which is about once a week on average.
In the meantime i just have to get on with it and get over it. Thank god for porn!

Hopefully when treatment starts she starts feeling better and we start having sex more.