What are your opinions about grown adults living at home? Should they do chores still? Have curfews? How much rent/board should they pay? Have house rules? I don't know if me and my brother are doing enough to help at the moment but my friends from work seem to do so much less than we do. What do you guys think? Are we good kids or missing the bat completely?
So I live at home still, and I'm in my twenties. I have an older brother who also lives at home, and my mum works part time from home. She cooks dinner for everyone everyday and does the laundry. My dad has sore joints and does not work or do anything. (I do not say this lightly. I resent him sometimes.) My brother will mow the lawn and wash the car if asked and is expected to do the dishes on his days off work (I do too). We both hoover the house occasionally. Me and my brother both work 40+ hours a week each and pay about £300 rent each a month.
The jist of it is, my mum and dad are very stressed and depressed at the moment and I thought that we could help more... But how? Would you be happy if your son/daughter did this or is not enough for people of our age? And what shall I do about my depressed parents? Please help!
I think the real question here is about your parents, have you tried talking to them? As for housework etc, it all varies depending on the cirumstance, but £300 towards the rent a month... £300 was the price I was paying a month for a one bedroom flat :P
£300.... Each!,! Damn that's steep! The . Mortgage on my marital home is £800.... So you two would be paying for lions share of average mortgage.... Maybe a check up on if your family are getting all benefits you are entitled to. The issue about your dad sounds a sore issue.... But still, if there are money worries, there might be something not being claimed. Cab or council one stop shop can work out if there are anything that could help.
A friend of mine who live close to london and he has got a council place and he pays around £400 a month for a 3 bed council house. I rent privately and my 2 bedroom flat is £802 per month.
You say £300 each per month, but I'm going to assume here that you also mean that includes utilities such as gas, electric, food ect.
I currently live with my parents at the moment, it's a nightmare! My son and I are both here looking for somewhere closer to family and friends.
My parents treat me like a live in babysitter/slave. I have to do chores; clean the kitchen everyday, vaccume the house and stairs, clean the lounge and bathrooms as well as babysit their two kids practically everyday and also my sisters girl too. I have to have the kids most weekends when my parents are away and during the school holidays when my son is at his dads I'm expected to wake up and babysit their kids whilst they're off school. Yet I constantly get called Lazy and anything else they decide to call.
The thing I've found when living with your parents is they still treat you like a child. When they call me I'm expected to instantly stop what I'm doing jump up and do whatever it is they want me to do. Be it writing an email out for them, making phone calls or even making them a cup of tea.
I don't have any privacy as they just always barge into my room and when I tell them to knock, they advise me that this is their house and as such they're not expected to knock when they open one of their doors.
I'm not allowed friends over, as my parents don't like people in their house, my OH isn't allowed to stay here when he's here and we have to get a hotel. And if I did go out I'd have to be home for 9:30pm as my parents go to bed early and life isn't worth living with the earache you get if you're not home by that time.
H E, I think your post is amazing I also think that you are all good on your thought process. I would be very pleased to have you and your brother as my children. My son has just started working he is still with us and is 20. He pays £200 a month. Please be a little carefully around who you discuss this with. If you call it rent then the tax man will be intreasted. It's towards your food and electricity water ect.
I digress, my son. He is a very good rugby player and if he is not working he is training or eating. He generates a about 2/3rds of the totally washing and his diet is expensive . I am not well of but me and the OH both work. So we came to this amount to try and start him thinking about money and cost. He is untidy and messy but he is caring and good guy. So he does get away with a quite a bit his mum will do all his washing and pick up after him. He will do some chores he will fetch and carry shopping ect rubbish bins and he does a lot in the garden and chop wood for our woodburner. However he is our son and we love him.
Now helping your perants more?
I think you are already doing enough financially and physically. So as a family try and find out what's the cause of the depression if it is money and you could afford more then why not. You strike me as very switched on. So wouldn't be taken for a ride. Also when you and your brother are at home try and be upbeat and as happy as possible. We take great delight in our children and listening to what they are up too. May be getting a take away for the whole family occasionally between your and your brother. So mum can put her feet up. Finally a hug and telling them you love them and appreciate what they have done for you, after all they are your perants and you sound like a good daughter.
F A. Um ok again this is tough as a perant defend. It does seem a little like you are being punished. The money seems about right but all the babysitting sounds a lot. Why not keep a diary of the hours for a month and try a family meeting keep it civil and try to negotiate a rebate for hours worked against the cost of some local child care charges. Remember you don't want to charge any where near the full rate put it across as help to find your own place. Good luck of hope this has helped
I think you are already doing enough financially and physically. So as a family try and find out what's the cause of the depression if it is money and you could afford more then why not. You strike me as very switched on. So wouldn't be taken for a ride. Also when you and your brother are at home try and be upbeat and as happy as possible. We take great delight in our children and listening to what they are up too. May be getting a take away for the whole family occasionally between your and your brother. So mum can put her feet up. Finally a hug and telling them you love them and appreciate what they have done for you, after all they are your perants and you sound like a good daughter.
F A. Um ok again this is tough as a perant defend. It does seem a little like you are being punished. The money seems about right but all the babysitting sounds a lot. Why not keep a diary of the hours for a month and try a family meeting keep it civil and try to negotiate a rebate for hours worked against the cost of some local child care charges. Remember you don't want to charge any where near the full rate put it across as help to find your own place. Good luck of hope this has helped
I agree with finding out what is the cause for depression, Maybe try talking to your mum (or dad) and find out what's going on and ask them if there is anything else you could do to help.
I think we forget sometimes that our parents are still people so they have stuff going on with their lifes like we do ours. And sometimes a chat and a bit of an outlet is all it needs to be cleared up.
Thanks GG, I've tried all that with mine it doesn't work. My mother is very set in her ways, she'd never admit to being wrong. She denies it happens and constintly on a daily basis calls me lazy and says I never do anything to help, ever. She doesn't see the babysitting as me doing anything even though if I make plans to go out somewhere I have to cancel them because they conflict with her plans of doing something. I'm just waiting for my house here, hopefully soon. It's only once I'm gone she'll realise all I actually do.
I think it's great that you are asking of you do enough. £300 a month is actually not a lot if that's all your heating , electric and food etc In the big bad real world you would be out a heck of a lot more. So I think that's a fair amounts for your parents to ask for. So I'm shocked some people seem to think that is a lot to pay. Personally if it was my kids I would expect them to do there own washing and ironing, also help out with jobs around the house ok there days off. At the end of then day your paying your parents to keep a roof over your head, not be your slaves. So cooking them a meal and letting them have a night to chill out on front of the tv in peace is only right. If your parents are depressed it's important you find out what is causing it , otherwise you will not be able to help them get over it.
personally I think everyone should set their own rules. With payment, it should depend on the monthly cost of the household. E.g. divide the monthly payment for rent/mortage and all untilities. Then it will depend if you eat togerher, or if you buy your own food. In my country the main meal is usually lunch, so its likely that either you cook your own or eat out so it will not in the cost of food.
I think you are paying rather nice rent which should cover these. I mean I was paying that in London for single bedroom, utilities included. Food not, but still.
I do think if the kids are living at home, they should help with the chores. Of course it will depend a bit if they can. A friend as newest doctor still lived with her parents and sometimes works crazy shifts, like 18 hours. In which case I understand she then crashes and someone else does the chores, but she helps when she can. And of course cleaning of your own room is your own responsibility. And you will have to agree with the family if you want to have a visitor.
I would not expect the kids to do their own washing. Mainly because I live alone and I struggle to get the washing machine full enough to make it economical. Just ask them to help with it. Or you will be running almost empty washing machines just because they need cloths to work. Trust me, I am in that situation. Only solution is buy more cloths. Minimum of 10 blouses for work, 15 shirts etc...
As for curfew, I do not think there should be any. I would say it more this way: Respect the other people in the house. If you come home late, then be quiet. Also people working shifts will sometimes come at ridiculous hours. At work one team has shift, which finishes 11pm, so getting home before midnight would not work, right?
I dont think there is set amount to pay or jobs to do its what your parents think is enough. I live with my mum and I pay a very low amount to stay there. It was agreed I would move into box room and give younger sister bigger room and pay only a little so I could put money away to save for my own place and run my car (a neccessity for my job). I have to ask her permission for someone to stay over as usually it involves me taking my sisters room for the night but I can have visitors whenever I please.
I do my own washing and ironing etc, and will always check their basket when I am doing it that way we do less washes as no half washes and just common sense. Also if I'm doing my ironing I'll do theirs at same time. The stuff is already out. I also occassionally babysit and will clean the house when its needed. My "rent" is also very low as I usually get made to find somewhere else to stay at weekends as my mum is a respite carer and needs a bedroom for children she gives respite too.
Anyway what I'm saying is really only people who can say your doing enough are your parents. Why not occasiobally cook dinner or make a pudding for after dinner aswell. I tend to find my mum always appreciates it when she comes home and dinner is prepared its one less job for her. Xx
I would ask your parents what you can do to help out. Personally, I'm respectful so when I lived with my mum, I acted as kind of a second parent (I have a 11 year old brother and a 5 year old sister.) I moved to my own place just after my 19th birthday. My OH got his first flat when he was just 17, he's 21 now. Our rent for a big one bed in the city centre beside my university is £375 per month, electricity is about £30 a month and Virgin is £40 a month. Then of course you have food and necessities too and we have two kittens as well. So yeah, I reckon £300 is fair to pay for everything.
Thanks everyone, your input is very appreciated.My brother and I do our own washing and ironing as well, I forgot to mention that! :-)
I think that helping them in smaller ways (preparing dinner, doing unexpected cleaning around the house, etc,) would work well in helping elevate the mood in the house. I don't resent giving my parents their rent/board money because I know how costly your own place is... but I do feel a bit annoyed towards my dad sometimes when he complains of being bored or tired when I am still cleaning the kitchen after dinner when he hasn't moved from the sofa all day. I swallow these feelings though and sweat it out at the gym instead :-)
Back to my mum's depression - she is on tablets and cries at the smallest things nowadays. She feels overwhelmed I think. She's trying to lose weight and comments on her appearance all the time, mostly negatively. She hates her wrinkles and wobbly tum and nothing I can say changes her mind. I think I need to show her how much I love her and dad more to boost their self-esteem, but I don't know how.
FA - I hope you are able to get out soon, your mum sounds very unfair and petty, and I hate to say that but you are stronger and better than her and also a better friend *hugs*
Thanks again guys, I will google how to cheer people up and take some ideas from those lists to use on my parents :D
HE, as a parent of live at home adults I can only say I wish mine were as considerate as you and your brother. It is a tricky stage in a parent/child relationship (actually most stages have their difficulties!) and getting the balance right isn't easy. They key is mutual consideration and respect and in our house we haven't got it as mutually considerate as I would like.
As far as your Mum's depression goes, again I think you are doing all you can to help. You are clearly a very thoughtful daughter. Big hugs to you x
Thanks capricorn, I've taken on board your idea of mutal consideration and respect, as perhaps we are not showing enough?... I will write up a plan of action in Challenge: Cheer Mum Up :-) To make things more set in stone.
To your credit HE, you feel all is not alright and want to do what you can. Conversing about change in a non- threatening way is probably the best way forward. It cannot be easy for any of you. This conversation should be between adults who need eachother,
As always GG gives good advice.
I feel for you FA as you are not being treated as an adult; you should be. If control issues continue, I would advocate creating some space to highlight the interdependancy.
As a parent of live-at-home adults, I take comfort that they are safe and secure. We treat eachother as adults, as I always have done as they grew up. They make their own decisions, and if asked I point out the pros and cons and any unintended consequences.
House tidiness can be an issue, but humour goes a long way to solving problems.
If I'm speaking through my backside because I haven't assessed the situations and available alternitives correctly, it's because my lack of knowledge.
I still live at home at 24, and it can be quite hard figuring out the balance in terms of your independence and the boundaries that exist within the home. I clean my own room and do my own washing and ironing. I give my mum £100 a month for food, etc (the bills have always been covered by my dad) - I try to be intuitive with the little things that might need doing.
It's more about having mutual respect and consideration for each other. I don't have a curfew as such, but it's just letting them know that I'm going to be home late for whatever reason.
Considering the hours you work and the rent you pay, you and your brother are doing more than enough. You're doing the best you can with what you have.
I don't have much experience with depression, so I'm a bit useless on that front I'm afraid. There will need to have that conversation about it at some point, but you sound really supportive and I hope you'll be able to work through it together.
You could always take your mum out for lunch or for a spa day to try cheer her up a bit and feel better about herself and get your brother to clean whilst you're out. That way, she gets spoiled but your dad's ungratefulness doesn't get rewarded.
At the end of the day, no matter how old you are, you're still their kids!
I agree with Shannon Marlene, why not treat your mum one day take her out for lunch, or shopping, or yeah a spa day. Girly time is always good, I love treating my mum by buying her the dress she has been looking at or taking her out for lunch, or even just making her a thank you cake sometimes.
sorry im a big baker haa and always make mu mum a cake with thanks for being my mum on it and a bunch of flowers when she down xx