Relationship and housing help

Off-Topic Chat
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Hi everyone So my relationship has recently broke down, him no longer wanting to be with me, blaming me for everything etc.

We have two very small kids together and I live in his house but to me our family home. He wants us out but doesn’t want to look like the bad guy in evicting me and his kids. Now solicitors etc have been involved and are again currently, I went back to them and he is very hurt by that which I get but he just shut me off and went back on agreements so I felt trapped and lost.

He has told me I need to request my notice which I would be stupid to do as that is making myself and my boys homeless. He then told me to lie and say I live somewhere else and get my family to evict me, which again I would be stupid to do as he could just tell me well you don’t live here it’s in black and white get out.

He has offered to help with a top up so I can rent but the council have told me to be very careful there because he could withdraw that, the housing benefit could change and I could be left in a position to not afford my rent etc leaving me and the boys in threat of a hostile. I’m staying put and if he wants me and his boys out he will have to make that decision.

I have said to him I will forgo child maintenance if he lets me stay in the house that way he can use that money to rent a flat. I’m my opinion it would be easier, he has already moved out and there is only one of him and three of us. He says that insulting as he has an investment in the house but to me he also has an investment in his kids and that surely should include having a safe roof over there head.

They have been through enough without putting them through all the turmoil of moving, it not being safe, not being in a nice area etc or me being forced to move miles away back to my hometown away from their Dad but again that could be a rough area of housing we can get. I’m just being realistic to where we are and what we could afford or the help we could get. It’s all very uncertain and I don’t get why he would do that to his boys and be so damn nasty about it in the process.

Not helping me, not supporting with helping with the boys stuff. Your options would be great. Thanks in advance.

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I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I thought I'd give this a little bump to see if you can get a few more replies.

I would listen to the advice of your solicitor though, even if this does upset your ex. With these sort of things it's best to be as thorough as you can. Good luck.

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I'm very sorry you're in such an stressing situation. I don't now what the laws in your country are regarding his parental duty with the kids, but for their sake: get good legal advise.

The only advise I can give you is: do not move a finger before you get an agreement approved by a judge and an attorney, and that is fair for the kids. He may want it out from you, but he shouldn't be let out of his responsabilities as the father of two kids (care or money, better both). Whenever you feel you need to comply to his "offers" stop and think that what you are about to give up is your children's well being, not only yours.

I know asking you to be strong when you must feel wrecked and scared is hard, but think that the moment to make good decisions is now. You're not going to get a second chance if you give up now.

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I have been through this kind of, and I'm sorry in advance because this will look like one massive paragraph but I promise I have made spaces.

Firstly, are you married? Because then everything is equal, the house, income etc. So he's invested in the house, if you're married, sell it and split it 50/50. Set up a place for the kids and yourself. Easier said than done, I know. If not married, common law comes into play, basically the same as marriage without the debt of marriage and a certificate. But same principles apply.

If that isn't an option, then dont do a thing, agree to anything unless you've been through lawyers, this gets folks back up but trust me, it's the right thing, because then it legally has to be followed. I'm currently taking my ex to court for denying access to my son and she's hating it and playing all the horrible cards to stop me, but is looking. As for the child maintenance, again, take it. Save it or whatever to help you get a place or save it then give him it and tell him to get a place, as you say, it is easier for him to move than all three of you. But if you go through using child maintenence, they are brutal.

Irrespective of the out goings they father HAS to pay based on his earnings, this has crippled me and slowed me moving out my parents to buy my own place. But if you can agree between yourself a figure that suits both then magic.

Being civil is key here, if you start with being petty or nasty or even if he does, the backs go up and that's when it gets ugly and horrible. I have to continuouslytell myself that I'm doing all my court stuff for my son, otherwise I'd have fell into her wicked games. As for declaring yourself homeless, that isn't a bad thing, they'll put you into a house quickly and it's a bit of an upheaval for a few days, but you get a house that's empty, carpets the lot missing, so you get to make it your own, that's a pro in my eyes. The area might be a bit crap but usually, I find the scummy areas are best community as everyone looks after everyone in it. I'm sorry if the advise is no use to you but it's all stuff I picked up over the past nearly four years I've been going through with my ex as I say.

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Hi thank you all for taking the time to write, I really do appreciate it.

Firstly we are not married. It had been in the courts previously and I had an occupation order for 6 months, I don’t have an legal entitlement to the house and I am aware I could under the child act stay in here until the kids are 18 if I could prove I could pay the mortgage, I cannot.

I don’t work as it was always our intention I would be a stay at home mum and I don’t have any family to help with childcare so bottom is I will have to get out if he wants me out. However he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy and won’t evict me and expects me to just leave and on my opinion he is currently trying to make it very difficult by not helping me, he won’t help build his sons bed, make his room childproof etc etc. Don’t get me wrong it’s not dangerous but my son is now ready for a toddler bed and that is why it would need to be more so.

I can’t voluntarily make myself homeless as I won’t get any help I have already been told this by the council and my solicitor. The council in this area won’t help me other than letting my ex pay a top up however they have advised me against this in case he doesn’t pay or in case the rent increases or housing benefit changes. I would be left in a right old predicament.

At the moment I just going to stay put and if he wants me out he is going to have to evict me and his kids and live with that decision!

I can’t see how he won’t rehouse himself for the safety and benefit of his children. I would give my kids the shirt of my back and he would see them out of his house. He is trying to make me feel I am being unreasonable for not moving I don’t feel I am I feel I have my kids back and he doesn’t.

Am I wrong here because I really don’t think so. It’s our family home, he says he has an investment in the house to me he has an investment in his kids. Yes I am getting the maintenance for the child agency have declared how much he gives me. I had to contact them back in November time as I wasn’t getting no money. He is paying the mortgage though and I pay the bills.

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@Bigiain I’m sorry to hear what you are going through also

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No that’s not an option. They are my world and that would break me. I have a residency order in place so the kids live with me. He can’t handle when things get tough and when my son was having night terrors told me he needs a bloody good smack. That’s just one example.

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Hi lubylou, glad to see you back but sorry to read your predicament. I have no resolutions for you as have little experience myself. All i would say is fight him, for the kids if for nothing else. Sounds like he's trying to exert control over you both financially and emotionally, and that makes him an abuser, continue to take legal advice and do what you think is best

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lubylou13 wrote:

I can’t see how he won’t rehouse himself for the safety and benefit of his children. I would give my kids the shirt of my back and he would see them out of his house. He is trying to make me feel I am being unreasonable for not moving I don’t feel I am I feel I have my kids back and he doesn’t.

Am I wrong here because I really don’t think so. It’s our family home, he says he has an investment in the house to me he has an investment in his kids. Yes I am getting the maintenance for the child agency have declared how much he gives me. I had to contact them back in November time as I wasn’t getting no money. He is paying the mortgage though and I pay the bills.

In my opinion he is trying to make you feel guilty in advance for any "hard decissions you are forcing him to make". He invested in the house, but you have invested your own life and your chances of being economically independent because there was an agreement: he worked and you took care of anything else. What would have been the cost of someone taking care of the housekeeping and the kids? How much money could you have earned in the time you have devoted to taking care of them (the kids and your ex)?

I'm sorry if my words don't help. This kind of situation makes me really angry. I hope you find a way out that is as good as possible for your kids and you.

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Sum Sub wrote:

Hi lubylou, glad to see you back but sorry to read your predicament. I have no resolutions for you as have little experience myself. All i would say is fight him, for the kids if for nothing else. Sounds like he's trying to exert control over you both financially and emotionally, and that makes him an abuser, continue to take legal advice and do what you think is best

Hey SS good to see you. What happened to the bat?

Thsnk you for taking the time to write. I will fight as I have to do what is best for the boys and it his descision to evict me he just doesn’t want to put it in writing which obviously then limits the help available to us. I’m not going to be forced out I will sit her for years if I have to. He wants me to make him look like the good guy despite going round trashing my name and putting me through unnecessary hurt. He’s trying to make it difficult for me by now implying he can come in the house while I’m not there. He does not. He can occupy it of course but he’s not leaving here so has no need to enter without an invite. My stuff has previously gone out of the house so by saying this to me he knows it’s emotional torment and will make me distressed.

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Sole wrote:

lubylou13 wrote:

I can’t see how he won’t rehouse himself for the safety and benefit of his children. I would give my kids the shirt of my back and he would see them out of his house. He is trying to make me feel I am being unreasonable for not moving I don’t feel I am I feel I have my kids back and he doesn’t.

Am I wrong here because I really don’t think so. It’s our family home, he says he has an investment in the house to me he has an investment in his kids. Yes I am getting the maintenance for the child agency have declared how much he gives me. I had to contact them back in November time as I wasn’t getting no money. He is paying the mortgage though and I pay the bills.

In my opinion he is trying to make you feel guilty in advance for any "hard decissions you are forcing him to make". He invested in the house, but you have invested your own life and your chances of being economically independent because there was an agreement: he worked and you took care of anything else. What would have been the cost of someone taking care of the housekeeping and the kids? How much money could you have earned in the time you have devoted to taking care of them (the kids and your ex)?

I'm sorry if my words don't help. This kind of situation makes me really angry. I hope you find a way out that is as good as possible for your kids and you.

THIS, exactly this! It is exactly how I feel! He wants me to make his life easier by just going so he gets what he wants and doesn’t look bad. That is not going to happen though, I am not going to make his life easier by making my life harder. I hear he won’t evict his family but he is evicting his family he just want formalise it instead he is trying to force me out so in years to come lie to the kids and say your mum chose to get out. Well that isn’t going to happen. He no longer wants us in the house, there is an expectancy that I am to get out and I am being made to feel like I am overstaying my welcome he now needs to man up and own his decision because all he is doing is causing me unnecessary pain and it will never be an amicable situation. I hear how evicting me will cause a lot of pain but he is evicting me so how writing that down will cause anymore pain is beyond me, it will allow me help. It may cause him pain because he will have to answer to his kids when he’s older and he won’t be able to lie. The quote you’ve made you bed so lie in it springs to mind. I am being more than reasonable in saying I will give up my child maintenance as I am aware he cant pay mortgage, that and rehouse himself and he can’t live with his Mum forever or he can stand by his decision he wants us out and stop being a coward who always wants to look good and write it down.

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Get to the Citizens Advice Bureau as soon as you can.

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I have been through similar as a child. A little different as my father didn't pay the mortgage yet told my mother he did, instead he drank away every penny. We ended up homeless as he point blank refused to pay anything for us to help us stay in the house. He would rather see his children on the street. Thankfully family took us in.

Your ex is playing a very dangerous game it seems. One day they will come to realise what their father has done and they will grow to resent him. It will be his own fault. Let your children come to that conclusion on their own, they will, be civil so he cannot throw anything back at you. Having gone through it, it really angers me how some parents can do this.

Like you my mama bear instinct is strong and I would do anything to keep them safe. There are options you can explore. There is the Citizens Advice, they can hopefully help. I don't know what area you are in so can't give specifics. You say the council won't help as you would be making yourself voluntarily homeless. Surely it isn't voluntary but you are in the "at risk of homelessness" category. Contact Shelter, they are fabulous when it comes to housing. The very last place I would go is to social services. If you are at the end of the line and you MUST go somewhere they can offer emergency housing.

I ended up in what was classed as a rough area and had no problems growing up there. I used to live in a large house with massive gardens in a quiet village and was dropped into a small flat with no garden but I'm happy I went there.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons. You may start off in a rough area but once you are there you can look into a move again. You will have your own space and be safe. Kids are more resilient than we think. It's us that hurt for them. Stay strong mama!

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Hi Lubylou,

Firstly I hope you are doing OK, this must be so mentally draining :-(

I think others have given some really good advice, I can't offer much more but I can empathise as I've been in a relationship where I had to walk and leave everything behind (my house, car, pets, friends and family) in order to free myself from a manipulative man.

Don't give up fighting this, you are not the person applying the emotional blackmail here!

I'm making the assumption that the mortgage was only ever in his name? If it was joint you'd have to do what I did, either agree to sell jointly or walk away handing over the deeds in full to the other person. ( I walked away as it was a violent relationship.)

Rather than you giving up your child maintenance, which may be more than he's entitled to, could you not go down the road of renting the property from him until the children are 19?

An official tenancy would give you the option to seek council and dwp assistance, he would have an "income" and you could work out the child maintenance properly so you both get amounts you can cope with? Technically he'd be your Landlord and have to abide by tenancy laws which might make life a little harder to begin with but at least you'll both know where you stand legally.

I know some mortgage companies don't like the sub-let style option but if it's a choice of that or the keys being handed back sometimes they will compromise, ask your solicitor if it could be an option.

Obviously I understand you wouldn't really want the tie to him but for the sake of the kids growing up in the family home and staying in an area you know and feel safe it could be an option.

Stay Safe huni x

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Hello 'Lubylou', hope you doing as okay as you can be today. I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner, but was very moved by your post and been thinking of you ever since. I just didn't want to give you a rushed answer with such a delicate, stressful matter. It is lovely to see all the support you have on here from everyone (including myself) which was reassuring for me as I couldn't reply to you straight away for my own reasons.

I'm so sorry to hear about this turbulent time you are going through, it certainly isn't fair and truly unkind of the father of your children to act like this. It's no good for you both or the kids, surely he can see that!?

I honestly don't have a clue about dealing with this sort of situation (not having kids myself), but all I can agree with is ask the professionals for advice. This would obviously begin with your solicitor, Citizen's Advice can definitely advise you in this situation as well as 'how to cope and get help financially'. It can be long winded as you have to arrange an appointment usually, but do try and walk in first just to get some advice. The council could arrange easier payments or possibly a suspension of paying council tax, till you're back on your feet (you would need to pay this back eventually). I'm not sure where you will stand with the council tax because of your childrens' father, but advice will be given to you if you ask the correct authorities. Again, you would have to go in and see them and most importantly do not be embarrassed or shy about telling them your situation. They can actually be quite helpful and very supportive and will do what they can to make things a little more bearable for you.

It puts so much pressure on you the fact that you are also out of work for the moment and I totally understand you just want to do the right thing for your children. I can imagine the situation is very unsettling for them too and the main thing is for you to keep strong, do everything by the book on your side, get as much advice as you possibly can and don't get 'pushed' into anything you don't want to do or risk. It's brilliant that you are managing to think rationally about the issue and not make any decisions too quick. It's such a pity that this man has to play it out like this, at the end of the day anything the children witness can stick with them for the rest of their lives. He needs to be a lot more adult about the situation, especially if he's in such a rush to end things.

I do hope you have other family members and friends who can support you through this terrible time and you will get through it, even though that seems so distant at the moment.

My heartfelt wishes are with you and your kids. You sound amazingly strong and rational about it all and that's the only way to be to get this sorted out, for you and the kids to be happy. I hope you find peace and happiness very soon. xx 🌹🌈🍀 All the best for now and take care of yourself.

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Hi thank you everyone so much for your support, help and for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it, thank you. We are to go to mediation together in the coming weeks but I can see ultimately going to court again as I just feel betrayed and like I am going to be forced in a direction I don’t want to go. I’m in a very bad place at the moment and it is taking all i have got not to cry all the time and believe me it’s not really working. I’m very thankful for the boys, they are my world and my rocks at the moment, although I should be there’s. Anyway I will be taking a break out of the forums, (even though not long returned) I don’t know how long for, maybe a week, maybe a lot longer but I need to focus on keeping things together right now. Thank you again everyone, your support really has meant a lot to me. Goodbye for now

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Sorry to hear that, I know exactly how you feel. I use the forums I'm on to distract myself from my situation. Even for just 5mins. All the best to you

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Hi my lovely. Well it's right with council and a long road he would need to issue a section 21 eviction notice but issue is you are not a legal tenant ie no tenancy agreement rent to buy book checks etc So if he wants out legally he has to make you a Tennant for minimum notice and then evict you with a 2 months notice. At end of the notice he will have to apply for a repossession order which the Tennant unfortunately is liable to pay in installments back to landlord. Once this comes through if still no council house you have to wait for bailiffs to arrive and then help if not sorted I know all about it as my landlord was my husband's dad and we had to go through it all luckily we private rented in end before got to risk of balliffs as we have children with additional needs.

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Bigiain wrote:

Sorry to hear that, I know exactly how you feel. I use the forums I'm on to distract myself from my situation. Even for just 5mins. All the best to you

The forums are a great help and distraction from the big stresses in life, I very much agree with you Iain.

Just being on here for a few minutes can brighten your day that little bit more and others' comments and advice can really help put things into perspective.

Sorry you're having a tough time Iain, thinking of you and your current situation as well - you will never feel alone on here. x

Miss you for now 'lubylou13', but you will certainly be in our thoughts. Hope you come back soon feeling more at peace, bye for now. 😔 xx