just wondering if any of you guys out there have asked your wives to give you anal or if any of you ladies have done it for thier other halfs how was the subject raised and what was the reaction?
my wife knows I like to give anal (shes not that keen but does sometimes play along) but as she is not that keen on the whole anal thing I'm not sure how she will react if I asked told her I wanted to try it, I have dropped subtle hints that she either didn't get or chose to ignore during sessions that have envolved ass play on her but haven't bit the bullet yet and told her.
There's loads of threads on this, search 'pegging' or 'strap-on' in the search bar above, there's loads of good tips & stories there. Sorry I can't post the actual links cos I'm on my phone, hopefully someone else will...
I guess the key is communication, being open & honest and talking it through, lots of people have fear of the unknown which then equates to a refusal.
Welcome by the way, there's a welcome thread at the top of the forum with guidelines in, have a read thru & hope you enjoy posting, again sorry for the lack of link...
It took me some time to pluck up the courage to ask (about 12 years ago I think) but I'm very glad I did and I was quite surprised at how readily my wife agreed.
I would not be too put off by the fact that she is not keen on receiving anal. My wife isn't - she says it's a size issue by maybe she is just making me feel better about it 8-)= Anyway, there is a lot of info out there that wasn't available when we started and most of that info is quite positive - threads that deal with the 'you must be gay' nonsense, with the cleanliness issues, with the reasons why it's so stimulating for the man, to what celebs seem to be into it, etc. Lets face it, it's become too main-stream to be considered much of a kink any more.
I suggest you read this stuff yourself so you can explain clearly why you want to try it and, if she seems willing to read about it to have some web-pages bookmarked for her (it would be handy to avoid her bumping into some of the sites with videos of 2ft long donkey-c*cks being used as these might be a bit off-putting).
I love receiving and have asked my fella about me using a strap on but its a firm no! Maybe buy a strap on and say its got good reviews etc and you were curious and see if shes willing to play along. I think if you have a toy ready its more likely she will give it a go than just bringing it up in convo x
I bought a double G pleasure pant thing for us. it seems alittle less intimidating than a strap on plus she has got an internal dildo for her enjoyment.
i love giving my partner anal, love it! we do this quite regularly as my partner has prostate orgasms through anal and also enjoys being milked. we have a couple of anal toys and cant wait to get our first strapon, we want to save up for a decent one though, not just a cheap thing.
just wondering if any of you guys out there have asked your wives to give you anal or if any of you ladies have done it for thier other halfs how was the subject raised and what was the reaction?
my wife knows I like to give anal (shes not that keen but does sometimes play along) but as she is not that keen on the whole anal thing I'm not sure how she will react if I asked told her I wanted to try it, I have dropped subtle hints that she either didn't get or chose to ignore during sessions that have envolved ass play on her but haven't bit the bullet yet and told her.
I'm sorry and I'm not attacking you - this is a very, very common attitude a lot of people have and that I have had myself in the past and you're not wrong exactly for thinking what is normal in society, but I feel that you should read this:
If your wife isn't giving you an enthusiastic 'yes' to anal sex but is simply playing along that is not consentual sex. If your partner isn't equally involved with a decision to have sex or a certain type of sex that is not consentual sex. That doesn't make you a rapist, but unfortunately non consentual sex is the dark side of a lot of monogamous arrangements as people on both sides feel pressured to make compromises.
The 'price of admission' (to steal a phrase from Dan Savage) in your (I'm assuming) monogamous relationship is that your wife doesn't like anal sex, and unless she's freely, without prompting, enthusiastically offering it to you as a special favour you should accept that and either stop asking, discuss opening your marriage to other partners, or if it's an absolute need for you and non-monogamy isn't an option, leave. Those are your choices, non-consentual sex really isn't a valid one and long term it will damage your relationship.
Now back to your actual question - there is IMO no link between a woman not liking a large (giving you the benefit of the doubt here :P) object shoved up her ass, and a woman not wanting to GIVE anal using a strap-on. I say this as a woman who hates any kind of anal stimulation on myself, I try to avoid my partners even seeing my anus if I can avoid it! It's not a part of my body I have a sexual relationship with at all :P But I am very curious to try strap on play, mainly with my female partners but I would definitely give it a try with my husband, because new sexual experiences are awesome and I might find I like it. I don't see that there can be any harm is explaining to your wife that this is a fantasy you have and you'd like it to happen, but without any pressure. If she seems grossed out or upset by the idea then all you can do is ask her to think it over and make it clear that you still enjoy regular sex with her and don't want to scare her off or make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Fact is not all sex acts are for all people - imagine if she came home one day and said she was interested in scat/period play/knife play (if you're into ALL THREE of those congrats you're a very open minded man! Insert a fetish of your choice that you find scary or icky). It's fine for your partner to have a fantasy you don't want to take part in, but there's nothing that's a bigger turn off than pressure or whining.
Krys - I know this is all somewhat tangential to the theme of the thread anyway but I'm sorry to say, as a couple that have been together for what is rapidly approaching 40 years, we really don't subscribe to your ideas on marriage. The notion that the naysayer always has the moral ascendency (and especially if one adds, as you seem to be suggesting, that their "no" should be considered final and unquestionable) is the recipe for a rather negative, crippled relationship - more appropriate to a temporary joint tenancy agreement than a marriage. If this is the extent of two people's commitment then perhaps they should live together while it lasts but not get married.
You can't, to our minds, get the most out of a marriage without a "ask my love and I will do my utmost to make it happen" kind of commitment on BOTH sides in and out of the bedroom rather than the "ask and you might be lucky but only if I'm 100% comfortable with it and don't ask again" attitude that you seem to be espousing.
As I have written before on similar topics we find that our pleasure in something becomes hopelessly entwined with the wish to see pleasure in the other. Do I, deep down, like giving oral to my wife? In truth I can't say. All I do know is that it gives her great pleasure and pleasure for me flows from that anyway.
I know we have done and achieved vastly more than would stem from the sum of our separate abilities and this has only happened because we try to do everything either of us wants rather than restrict ourselves to that subset of things we both feel 100% comfortable with.
Krys - I know this is all somewhat tangential to the theme of the thread anyway but I'm sorry to say, as a couple that have been together for what is rapidly approaching 40 years, we really don't subscribe to your ideas on marriage. The notion that the naysayer always has the moral ascendency (and especially if one adds, as you seem to be suggesting, that their "no" should be considered final and unquestionable) is the recipe for a rather negative, crippled relationship - more appropriate to a temporary joint tenancy agreement than a marriage. If this is the extent of two people's commitment then perhaps they should live together while it lasts but not get married.
You can't, to our minds, get the most out of a marriage without a "ask my love and I will do my utmost to make it happen" kind of commitment on BOTH sides in and out of the bedroom rather than the "ask and you might be lucky but only if I'm 100% comfortable with it and don't ask again" attitude that you seem to be espousing.
As I have written before on similar topics we find that our pleasure in something becomes hopelessly entwined with the wish to see pleasure in the other. Do I, deep down, like giving oral to my wife? In truth I can't say. All I do know is that it gives her great pleasure and pleasure for me flows from that anyway.
I know we have done and achieved vastly more than would stem from the sum of our separate abilities and this has only happened because we try to do everything either of us wants rather than restrict ourselves to that subset of things we both feel 100% comfortable with.
These aren't 'my ideas' and they're not just about marriage. Yes I'm young and have been married only a year so I'm sure you feel that you've got the experience and knowledge to dismiss anything I'm saying. Scarleteen (and btw they're not the only site pushing for a better understanding of consent) are a very well regarded source of sex advice and should not be dismissed out of hand.
Honestly I can't actually respond properly to your post, as a survivor of an abusive relationship where I did my goddamn best to please my abusive boyfriend and submit to painful, violent sex because that was his thing and I thought relationships were about compromise I have NOTHING to say to apologists for that kind of thing. Please educate yourself, I've said my piece and now it's up to you if you want to try to understand that or continue on as a traditionalist.
Sex is about two people (or more) and should absolutely always have 100% enthusiastic passionate exciting hot consent on both sides. I can't even believe that's a controversial opinion. I have had just about enough of seeing threads on this site 'how can I talk my partner into x' it's depressing and horrible and selfish.
just wondering if any of you guys out there have asked your wives to give you anal or if any of you ladies have done it for thier other halfs how was the subject raised and what was the reaction?
my wife knows I like to give anal (shes not that keen but does sometimes play along) but as she is not that keen on the whole anal thing I'm not sure how she will react if I asked told her I wanted to try it, I have dropped subtle hints that she either didn't get or chose to ignore during sessions that have envolved ass play on her but haven't bit the bullet yet and told her.
I'm sorry and I'm not attacking you - this is a very, very common attitude a lot of people have and that I have had myself in the past and you're not wrong exactly for thinking what is normal in society, but I feel that you should read this:
If your wife isn't giving you an enthusiastic 'yes' to anal sex but is simply playing along that is not consentual sex. If your partner isn't equally involved with a decision to have sex or a certain type of sex that is not consentual sex. That doesn't make you a rapist, but unfortunately non consentual sex is the dark side of a lot of monogamous arrangements as people on both sides feel pressured to make compromises.
The 'price of admission' (to steal a phrase from Dan Savage) in your (I'm assuming) monogamous relationship is that your wife doesn't like anal sex, and unless she's freely, without prompting, enthusiastically offering it to you as a special favour you should accept that and either stop asking, discuss opening your marriage to other partners, or if it's an absolute need for you and non-monogamy isn't an option, leave. Those are your choices, non-consentual sex really isn't a valid one and long term it will damage your relationship.
Now back to your actual question - there is IMO no link between a woman not liking a large (giving you the benefit of the doubt here :P) object shoved up her ass, and a woman not wanting to GIVE anal using a strap-on. I say this as a woman who hates any kind of anal stimulation on myself, I try to avoid my partners even seeing my anus if I can avoid it! It's not a part of my body I have a sexual relationship with at all :P But I am very curious to try strap on play, mainly with my female partners but I would definitely give it a try with my husband, because new sexual experiences are awesome and I might find I like it. I don't see that there can be any harm is explaining to your wife that this is a fantasy you have and you'd like it to happen, but without any pressure. If she seems grossed out or upset by the idea then all you can do is ask her to think it over and make it clear that you still enjoy regular sex with her and don't want to scare her off or make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Fact is not all sex acts are for all people - imagine if she came home one day and said she was interested in scat/period play/knife play (if you're into ALL THREE of those congrats you're a very open minded man! Insert a fetish of your choice that you find scary or icky). It's fine for your partner to have a fantasy you don't want to take part in, but there's nothing that's a bigger turn off than pressure or whining.
Krys I dont know about any bad expieriences you have had and I dont agree with any form of abusive relationship but you seem to have come to the conclution that I have coerced, pressured or forced my OH into something that she does not want to do, anything she does is 100% her choice if she chooses to do something that I like to please me then that is her choice just the same as when I do something that I'm not that keen on to please her is my choice it's the basis of a healthy loving relationship if I give her oral even if I'm not in the mood for it that doesn't mean it's not consentual it just means that I have made a consious choice to do something that will please the person I love, I have never and would never presure my OH into anything, she knows what I like and thats as far as my influence goes if we ever do anything anal it is her that surgests it not me because she wants to do it for me.
If I was the kind of person that dictates everything in the bedroom no matter how my OH feels then I would never have needed to ask the question in the first place I would have just told her to do it. It is imposible in a long term monogamous relationship for every act in every sex session to be 100% enthusiastic on both sides it has to be give and take there are countless times that I have done things purely for her pleasure and not done things because she is not in the mood for something and that is not just restricted to anal.
This thread was not "how can i talk my partner into" it was "have you ever asked" ASKED being the important word accusing me of putting pressure on my OH to do something she does not want to do, which is exactly what you did in your post, is offencive not all men are abusive, my OH and I have been together for over 25 years without a single act of violence this thread ws posted because I care about the way my OH feels and I just wanted a little adivce from people that had taken the step I am thinking about taking.
unless she's freely, without prompting, enthusiastically offering it to you as a special favour
Krys I dont know about any bad expieriences you have had and I dont agree with any form of abusive relationship but you seem to have come to the conclution that I have coerced, pressured or forced my OH into something that she does not want to do, anything she does is 100% her choice if she chooses to do something that I like to please me then that is her choice just the same as when I do something that I'm not that keen on to please her is my choice it's the basis of a healthy loving relationship if I give her oral even if I'm not in the mood for it that doesn't mean it's not consentual it just means that I have made a consious choice to do something that will please the person I love, I have never and would never presure my OH into anything, she knows what I like and thats as far as my influence goes if we ever do anything anal it is her that surgests it not me because she wants to do it for me.
If I was the kind of person that dictates everything in the bedroom no matter how my OH feels then I would never have needed to ask the question in the first place I would have just told her to do it. It is imposible in a long term monogamous relationship for every act in every sex session to be 100% enthusiastic on both sides it has to be give and take there are countless times that I have done things purely for her pleasure and not done things because she is not in the mood for something and that is not just restricted to anal.
This thread was not "how can i talk my partner into" it was "have you ever asked" ASKED being the important word accusing me of putting pressure on my OH to do something she does not want to do, which is exactly what you did in your post, is offencive not all men are abusive, my OH and I have been together for over 25 years without a single act of violence this thread ws posted because I care about the way my OH feels and I just wanted a little adivce from people that had taken the step I am thinking about taking.
The line of my post I left is there for a reason. Your first post didn't specify (and 'she sometimes plays along' to me does imply repeted asking, maybe bad wording choice on your part as I've never heard anyone phrase things that way when they meant something was offered, but I may have read too much into it), and I have seen a lot of posts on this forum advising people on how to talk an unwilling partner into certain types of sex, it's not right. I wanted to provide balance. If your wife is freely and willingly offering anal sex to you as a favour that is completely different. Gyrator's dismissive post mentioned giving oral and so did you - I'm not talking about sex acts where the physical pleasure is one sided. I can give enthusiastic consent to doing something that makes my husband happy because I want him to enjoy it - there are times in any relationship I think where one person is in the mood and the other isn't but can give full, enthusiastic consent or even initiate sex not because of pressure but because they want to do something nice for the other. I have a slight knee-jerk reaction if it's about something like anal where it is often painful or actively unpleasent for the receiver if he or she is not into it, and I know a lot of women are pressured into it (so are some men probably but I think it is less, and I'm judging that not by sexism but by personal experience with male partners, and the experiences of my male and female friends). So I'm sorry if I seemed quick to judge but my post was meant to give you perspective on some of the dangerous stupid advice often handed out to monogamous couples.
So maybe I misjudged you and for that I apologise. However I never accused you of dictating anything in the bedroom (what I picked up from your first post was that you might be repetedly pestering for anal sex and your wife was giving in every now and then - that's all - not that you were forcing her into it, that she was doing it every time you said so, or that you were demanding anything else). I never said all men are abusive and my post to you would have been exactly the same if you were a woman, if you read the link I posted you will see it is aimed at men and women and I do not subscribe to the view that all men are abusers and all women are victims. Twisting my words and trying to throw yourself a pity party when I kept my post friendly and light and gave you information I thought you needed (as well as the most in depth advice on asking for strapon sex in this thread, which you have of course glossed over) is quite honestly bullshit. No one is calling you abusive.
Even if you were having this definition of non-consentual sex with your wife that is not IMO in and of itself abuse, as I said it's a VERY common attitude and practise in monogamous relationships, and is one of the key problems I have with practising monogamy as a lifestyle. Long term it's damaging for both partners if sex isn't fully consentual but that doesn't make it abuse in my view - and believe me you would find people with more extreme views than that if you hung out in feminist and/or sex positive circles for a while. It's just inconsiderate and unhealthy for a long term relationship, and I think everyone (self included) can learn something from thinking harder about consent issues, particularly if you're in a monogamous relationship where it's more difficult to negotiate sexual compatibility without pressurising a partner.
You know I've never been asked this by my OH (and I've never asked him if I can do it to him although I'm intrigued by the idea).
But, if my OH was to ask me I'd simply want him to sit me down and ask me, explain why he wanted to try it, that there was no pressure on me (perhaps think of reasons as to what it would also give her), but make it clear that there's no pressure.
The no-pressure thing is a big thing as you don't want her to feel uncomfortable, just be honest. Only you know how she will react (since we all react different!) but whatever you choose, good luck
unless she's freely, without prompting, enthusiastically offering it to you as a special favour
Krys I dont know about any bad expieriences you have had and I dont agree with any form of abusive relationship but you seem to have come to the conclution that I have coerced, pressured or forced my OH into something that she does not want to do, anything she does is 100% her choice if she chooses to do something that I like to please me then that is her choice just the same as when I do something that I'm not that keen on to please her is my choice it's the basis of a healthy loving relationship if I give her oral even if I'm not in the mood for it that doesn't mean it's not consentual it just means that I have made a consious choice to do something that will please the person I love, I have never and would never presure my OH into anything, she knows what I like and thats as far as my influence goes if we ever do anything anal it is her that surgests it not me because she wants to do it for me.
If I was the kind of person that dictates everything in the bedroom no matter how my OH feels then I would never have needed to ask the question in the first place I would have just told her to do it. It is imposible in a long term monogamous relationship for every act in every sex session to be 100% enthusiastic on both sides it has to be give and take there are countless times that I have done things purely for her pleasure and not done things because she is not in the mood for something and that is not just restricted to anal.
This thread was not "how can i talk my partner into" it was "have you ever asked" ASKED being the important word accusing me of putting pressure on my OH to do something she does not want to do, which is exactly what you did in your post, is offencive not all men are abusive, my OH and I have been together for over 25 years without a single act of violence this thread ws posted because I care about the way my OH feels and I just wanted a little adivce from people that had taken the step I am thinking about taking.
The line of my post I left is there for a reason. Your first post didn't specify (and 'she sometimes plays along' to me does imply repeted asking, maybe bad wording choice on your part as I've never heard anyone phrase things that way when they meant something was offered, but I may have read too much into it), and I have seen a lot of posts on this forum advising people on how to talk an unwilling partner into certain types of sex, it's not right. I wanted to provide balance. If your wife is freely and willingly offering anal sex to you as a favour that is completely different. Gyrator's dismissive post mentioned giving oral and so did you - I'm not talking about sex acts where the physical pleasure is one sided. I can give enthusiastic consent to doing something that makes my husband happy because I want him to enjoy it - there are times in any relationship I think where one person is in the mood and the other isn't but can give full, enthusiastic consent or even initiate sex not because of pressure but because they want to do something nice for the other. I have a slight knee-jerk reaction if it's about something like anal where it is often painful or actively unpleasent for the receiver if he or she is not into it, and I know a lot of women are pressured into it (so are some men probably but I think it is less, and I'm judging that not by sexism but by personal experience with male partners, and the experiences of my male and female friends). So I'm sorry if I seemed quick to judge but my post was meant to give you perspective on some of the dangerous stupid advice often handed out to monogamous couples.
So maybe I misjudged you and for that I apologise. However I never accused you of dictating anything in the bedroom (what I picked up from your first post was that you might be repetedly pestering for anal sex and your wife was giving in every now and then - that's all - not that you were forcing her into it, that she was doing it every time you said so, or that you were demanding anything else). I never said all men are abusive and my post to you would have been exactly the same if you were a woman, if you read the link I posted you will see it is aimed at men and women and I do not subscribe to the view that all men are abusers and all women are victims. Twisting my words and trying to throw yourself a pity party when I kept my post friendly and light and gave you information I thought you needed (as well as the most in depth advice on asking for strapon sex in this thread, which you have of course glossed over) is quite honestly bullshit. No one is calling you abusive.
Even if you were having this definition of non-consentual sex with your wife that is not IMO in and of itself abuse, as I said it's a VERY common attitude and practise in monogamous relationships, and is one of the key problems I have with practising monogamy as a lifestyle. Long term it's damaging for both partners if sex isn't fully consentual but that doesn't make it abuse in my view - and believe me you would find people with more extreme views than that if you hung out in feminist and/or sex positive circles for a while. It's just inconsiderate and unhealthy for a long term relationship, and I think everyone (self included) can learn something from thinking harder about consent issues, particularly if you're in a monogamous relationship where it's more difficult to negotiate sexual compatibility without pressurising a partner.
Krys Its obvious that you have read something into my post that was not ment and I have read something into yours that was not ment so while there's probably still some difference of opinion it's not something worth going on about I'm sure that like me you regret the fact that what we said was taken the wrong way and I'm sure like me you dont want to sit here going on about things. So I would like to offer the olive branch and drop the subject and forget about any disagreement.
Krys - From what you had written I knew you had been abused before you said it. It may not take one to recognise one but it does made it easy. As I mentioned on the tread about smacking children my father was terrifyingly violent. Such abuse makes us inevitably prone to rather absolutist views on anything that even has the faintest whiff of the abuse we suffered. Unfortunately, the lessons we believe we have learned from the abuse don't help us in dealing with normal relationships. My father's beatings did not give me a better insight into the normal interaction of a loving father with his children. Similarly, I would suggest your sexual abusive relationship has not given you a better insight into the interaction with a truly loving partner.
Of course we can, as you have, find sources that tend to support our hard-line views (in my case there are organisations that want to see parents who smack their children imprisoned). That does not make those views right.
Just like to poor people who's response to a burglary or a mugging is to barricade themselves into their homes, sometimes we should accept that there are no good lessons to be learned from a bad experience and that we are better off trying to set the whole thing aside as if it never happened and get on with our lives. To do otherwise is to let the abuser win by undermining the rest of our lives.
Just as I have come to accept that an occasional slap on the wrist from a loving parent isn't child abuse perhaps you need to accept that mild occasional persuasion - seduction even - from a loving partner does not make for non-consensual sex. If you look at the thread about a substitute for oral sex you will see that most people seem to think that way.