Help! He has no sex drive! We are only 4 months in. I have tried underwear and touching but I'm really not getting anywhere. The last thing I want is to come across as a sex pest as I know it just pushes you the other way. I'm beginning to lose my confidence.
I’m almost positive that his lack of sex drive has nothing to do with anything you’re doing. He is probably just as frustrated as you are if this is a dramatic change for him. If this is normal for him and he just has a low sex drive then talking this through and compromising would be a good first step. If it’s a sudden change and he used to want sex but now doesn’t then try and work out why he’s suddenly changed. Is he under a lot of stress at the moment for example?
Two biggest killers of sex drive IMO are stress and tiredness. Either that or he's getting it elsewhere. Try and initiative sex in the morning as that's when his testosterone will be highest. Dont leave it until its time to go to sleep. Also a good workout at the gym gets testosterone pumping too.
I have been with guys who don't seem to want to have sex. It can be really hard and confusing, I think as a woman you get fed the (wrong) stereotype that all guys want is sex and it can be very difficult when suddenly you're with someone who doesnt.
One of the guys I was with had erectile problems and that was a big factor and we went to the doctors and got some pills and made it better. The other I tried talking to and I never really found a reason why we never had sex, despite him saying he was happy to have sex.
I know it can be hard but if it's an issue you should talk to him. You could always start a conversation asking how many times he things is about right to have sex, or whether there's anything he's interested in exploring sexually.
I think these conversations are hard, especially if there is a reason on his end, but at the same time if it's bothering you, you need to talk about it.
Good to know. Explains a lot for me. Thanks for sharing.chrism65634 wrote:
Two biggest killers of sex drive IMO are stress and tiredness. Either that or he's getting it elsewhere. Try and initiative sex in the morning as that's when his testosterone will be highest. Dont leave it until its time to go to sleep. Also a good workout at the gym gets testosterone pumping too.
Stress certainly lowers my guys sex drive - as does tiredness. I think as we get older, many mens sex drives lower too. xx
Subbysam has it right. Its true the general stereotype is men are supposed to be randy but its not always true.
I have a couple of male friends who have admitted to me discretly they have very low sex drives and can take it or leave it. its not something men broadcast!
However before you assume that is the issue, it may be lots of other things
As another poster said he may have erectile problems.
Is he shy and uncofident? if he is then his lack of interest may just be nerves.
He might actually be inexperienced and intimidated.
He may be stressed
I would have a non judgemental conversation about it. Dont go in saying i am not getting what i want, say you seem a bit nervous or not interested, want to talk about it?
Good luck!
As you
Only 4 months together! Did he look forward to sex with you when you first know him?
Thank you for all your advice.
He is self employed and get work through agencies. Work is infrequent so I guess that doesn't help!
The first two months have been fine but he did say he would take my lead when I asked him what underwear turned him on. He said non of his previous girlfriends had been confident enough to wear sexy underwear.
He has no problem getting an erection or keeping it up.
I guess I'm used to dominate men and he isn't. We do need to talk about things. You have all given me some interesting advice and ways to approach this with him. ❤
How old is he?
If he's 40+ he probably should go to the GP and get a few blood tests done. Testosterone starts dropping and men get tired/lose sex drive etc.
I'm hoping to see a menopause specialist, but she deals a lot with men who are suffering with hormone drops, too.
Chrism's post is also spot on.
Think Jked did mention that he has no problem with erection and keeping it.
I'm felt strongly that he's at a cross road. Have a steady job and income could be worrying him most at the moment.
Stress and tiredness are sex drive killers! I've spent the last week stressed and tired and sex hasn't crossed my mind. I've sorted some things I needed to get done and now my sex drive is returning. Thank god. I hope with a bit of communication your partners will return x
Well expensive underwear doesn't work! He's now snoring and I'm left rejected and hurt. He has plenty of energy for play fighting but never really touches me.
Age DOES effect things and as others have said being tired does not help, if up at "only" 7am at midnight you've been up for 17 hours with probably at best 5.5 hours of sleep the night before?
He's 37. He's only been back in work for 2 days, 6 weeks off with no work. I know that won't help but when it comes to us I feel he's sending the right signals but when I respond it gets me nowhere. I'm left confused
My love, this is the most crucial time that he needs your support. I'm more than convinced that he's under going a stressful time (and not tiredness) and his shoulders are heavy ladened.
Sex is definitely not his priority now. If you understood Maslow theory perhaps that helps.
He needs a team player and all kinds of supports to pull him through this period of droughts. Lots of assurance, lots of positive acceptance and reinforcement from you.
At the end of the tunnel there is light and he's going to remember you for all of his life. It's EQ you know.
I wonder - has he actually got a problem? I mean, some people do naturally have a very low sex drive, my love, it's just bad luck if you end up with someone you love but your sex drives don't match up. xx
Jked wrote:
He's 37. He's only been back in work for 2 days, 6 weeks off with no work. I know that won't help but when it comes to us I feel he's sending the right signals but when I respond it gets me nowhere. I'm left confused
Try dominating him
I'm on the other side of this , my sex drive is low , and I often worry what it does to my wife's confidence .
I'm 54 , so a bit older than your partner .
I note you said that his ex's didn't wear sexy underwear . Nor did my ex wife .
She said it was disgusting , and that only tarts wear it . She hated sex , full stop ,and said once we had children ,we didn't need to do it anymore .
My current wife ,on the other hand enjoys wearing sexy clothes ,and enjoys sex .
I often worry that my wife just pretends to like sex , and wearing sexy clothes , because she loves me ,and wants to please me .
Maybe this is what's happening with your OH ?
i still ,after all this time , ind it hard to believe that women actually like sex .
Maybe me and him are similar ?
I just wish I knew the answer to your problem
Is he on anti-depressants? He might be embarrassed to tell you or maybe you just weren't aware it can be a common side effect. I used to take Fluoxotine (better known as Prozac) before having a break from them then switching to Citalopram (though I don't recommend stopping them if he is on them unless he feels ready and talks to a doctor).
Prozac made it hard for me to maintain an erection a lot of the time and more or less killed my sex drive most of the time and normally it's pretty high. When me and my partner first got together it was fine and I only started getting the side affect a year or two in since they can come on pretty randomly. I'd only want to have sex if I knew I was "good to go" so sometimes I wouldn't seem intersted even if I was feeling it because I was embarrassed and didn't want to disappoint either. I know this made my partner feel a lot like you're feeling as well, so you're certainly not alone, even if the circumstances are different. I'm 23 so I imagine the affect might be worse for men a little older.
This mightn't be relavent at all in your case but I thought it might be something worth mentioning, best of luck!
- Isaac