I have always enjoyed using sex toys as part of a healthy sex life however my ex-husband didn't want to have sex with me after we had a child so for over 2 years I have been using vibrators at least once a week (more like once a day :S) and then recently I started seeing a new man. Cannot orgasm, admittedly we have only had sex 4 times but he has used his fingers and mouth on me more times than I can count (as we did not have sex for months whilst we started dating) and no matter how good it feels I cannot orgasm :(
This has never been an issue for me before, do I need to ban myself from using a vibrator for a while, have I desensitised myself? If I need to put it in the drawer for a while does anyone know how long it takes to stop being desensitised and should I still manually stimulate myself?
Lay off mastubation for a while,this happens a lot for men and women, having strong or perfect stimulation too often can make it difficult to orgasm for anything else, I can't give you a time frame but I'd recomend not using a vibrator or your hand for a good few weeks
I think if you put your brain in one certain situation to be able to cum then that's the only way you can. There is nothing wrong with this. I wouldn't go on a sadatical. I would think of other ways you could come that would involve your new partner. Does he like sex toys? Maybe you could let him be in control so he decides when you orgasm? What about buying some other toys and get used to cumming with them too. I did think maybe that the previous relationship made you repress yourself so you can't orgasm with him. If that's the case talk to him and give yourself time.
I would go without a vibrator for a little while. Try getting reacquainted with your own fingers and making yourself orgasm using them so that you have a better idea of what to ask him to do. Go slow, relax and don't try to rush your orgasm. Just explore with your hand and let it happen naturally. :)
Are you able to bring yourself to orgasm without the vibrator? It could be that you've become too used to orgasming in a very certain way (ie with vibrations) or it could be that you're still not totally comfortable with your new partner, which is very understandable considering how long you went without sex (not to mention what happened with your ex-husband). It can take a while to ease back into orgasming in the presence of another person when you are used to going solo for longer periods of time.
Why not experiment with manually stimulating yourself to put your mind at ease about only being able to orgasm with a vibrator. Once you do it yourself a few times you'll know it can happen and hopefully you'll be more relaxed with your partner, not to mention you'll have a good idea of how to guide him to help get you there when you are together :)
Are you able to bring yourself to orgasm without the vibrator? It could be that you've become too used to orgasming in a very certain way (ie with vibrations) or it could be that you're still not totally comfortable with your new partner, which is very understandable considering how long you went without sex (not to mention what happened with your ex-husband). It can take a while to ease back into orgasming in the presence of another person when you are used to going solo for longer periods of time.
Why not experiment with manually stimulating yourself to put your mind at ease about only being able to orgasm with a vibrator. Once you do it yourself a few times you'll know it can happen and hopefully you'll be more relaxed with your partner, not to mention you'll have a good idea of how to guide him to help get you there when you are together :)
Hi, thanks for the great replies! I can cum by myself manually but only in a very specific way and extremely quickly so it's more like a quick release (which I can do more times than I can count in an evening) rather than actually building sexual arousal.
I am comfortable with my new guy but do feel less sensitive (especially when he uses a dildo on me beforehand) but I have never had sex like this before so maybe part of it is getting used to that (physically it's usual hard sex :D but it is more intimate than I have ever experienced as he holds both my hands etc) but he knows all about my lack of sex and intimacy with my ex and is keen to keep trying even though he feels like he's letting me down a bit but he asked me not to touch myself in any way for a week to give him a fighting chance! So sounds like that is a good idea!
Sounds like you've got a good guy there. It's great that he seems to be ok with not making you orgasm. A lot of guys would have taken it quite hard (excuse the pun 😉) that they aren't able to satisfy you.
I've got no advice to offer about how to get over it, I just thought that he sounds like a good catch if he's sticking it out. You'll both get your moment and it'll be well worth the wait.