Hey all! When my wife and I first got together, (and then the following 3 years) we were having the most awesome, mind blowing, uninhibited sex. She would send me those cheeky/cute, yet filthy messages or photos throughout the day. We would constantly snap photos of each other while we were mid marathon! It was the best!! Filling each other's minds with the craziest of fantasies. We were on the same page. But since having kids, she has gone the complete opposite. She constantly shuts me down at the thought of saying something remotely sexual. Let alone sending her a naked selfie or bringing up what we used to get up to. I'm always trying to spice things up, sometimes in cute ways, sometimes in dirty ways, but she is not having a bar of it!! Can anyone lend some advice? Is it normal for such a loss of libido?
I have heard that having kids can do that to a woman so it's not uncommon
There's lots of questions you could ask yourself to figure out the cause of her loss of libido. I'm not saying it all applies to you, just some things to think about.
Did she start a new method of birth control after birth? If so, has she tried changing it?
Did she become insecure about her body? Stretch marks, weight gain, breast changes, there's a lot about having kids that can destroy your self confidence as a woman.
How about her work load? Do you pull your weight around the house and with the kids? Honestly? Is she exhausted after a long day of being a mum? Sex can be the last thing on your mind when you feel like you're not sharing the workload evenly.
What about showing appreciation? Do you thank her for getting up in the night, for doing the dishes, for any of the little things that yes need to be done but are still worthy of a thank you? Do you do/say cute or loving non sexual things for/to her or are all your gestures revolving around engaging in sexual acts? Could you show her appreciation and intimacy without the pressure of a sex act more often? If she feels like you only engage with her because you want sex that can kill any spark of libido that was there.
There's some less common things that could be affecting her too. Was her birth in any way traumatic? Was the labour harder than it should have been? Was her pregnancy difficult? It would surprise you how much any of these things can put a woman off sex because deep down she associates it with getting pregnant/giving birth and being in pain in some way. Like I said, not as common, but possible.
It's all well and good trying to spice things up, but that's dealing with the symptom rather than finding the root of the problem and fixing it. I would honestly back off on advances (I know that feels counter productive), concentrate on keeping intimacy alive (hugs, hand holds, etc not sex or sexual acts) and see if she would be willing to talk about it. She may have a notion as to why she is off sex but isn't sure how to broach the subject. If there's nothing obvious, a trip to the doctor could be in order as there are plenty of things that can happen after birth that affect libido, like thyroid function, hormone problems etc.
As for is it normal, sadly yes it is. Doesn't make the affect it has on your relationship any less difficult to endure, but it is normal and remarkably common.
Lovebirds_x wrote:
There's lots of questions you could ask yourself to figure out the cause of her loss of libido. I'm not saying it all applies to you, just some things to think about.
Did she start a new method of birth control after birth? If so, has she tried changing it?
Did she become insecure about her body? Stretch marks, weight gain, breast changes, there's a lot about having kids that can destroy your self confidence as a woman.
How about her work load? Do you pull your weight around the house and with the kids? Honestly? Is she exhausted after a long day of being a mum? Sex can be the last thing on your mind when you feel like you're not sharing the workload evenly.
What about showing appreciation? Do you thank her for getting up in the night, for doing the dishes, for any of the little things that yes need to be done but are still worthy of a thank you? Do you do/say cute or loving non sexual things for/to her or are all your gestures revolving around engaging in sexual acts? Could you show her appreciation and intimacy without the pressure of a sex act more often? If she feels like you only engage with her because you want sex that can kill any spark of libido that was there.
There's some less common things that could be affecting her too. Was her birth in any way traumatic? Was the labour harder than it should have been? Was her pregnancy difficult? It would surprise you how much any of these things can put a woman off sex because deep down she associates it with getting pregnant/giving birth and being in pain in some way. Like I said, not as common, but possible.
It's all well and good trying to spice things up, but that's dealing with the symptom rather than finding the root of the problem and fixing it. I would honestly back off on advances (I know that feels counter productive), concentrate on keeping intimacy alive (hugs, hand holds, etc not sex or sexual acts) and see if she would be willing to talk about it. She may have a notion as to why she is off sex but isn't sure how to broach the subject. If there's nothing obvious, a trip to the doctor could be in order as there are plenty of things that can happen after birth that affect libido, like thyroid function, hormone problems etc.
As for is it normal, sadly yes it is. Doesn't make the affect it has on your relationship any less difficult to endure, but it is normal and remarkably common.
My best advice is to read this post closely, then read it again, and maybe one extra time for good luck. +1 on everything Lovebirds wrote.
Fantastic advice from Lovebirds, nothing for me to add to it.
Good luck x
@lovebirds good read, thank you! I appreciate the time and effort you have put into the reply! Amazing!
Birth control: no. She is breastfeeding feeding though. Which I understand is pretty much a natural form of birth control, to an extent.
Body/self confidence: she is currently in the best shape she has been in since we first got together. Boobs are looking fantastic! But obviously messing with hormones too, I suppose? She was very fortunate enough to have avoided stretch marks all together, through both pregnancies! As far as her self confidence, we have spoken about it several times and she says she had the same little amount 6 years ago as she does today. She's not the most confident person, that's for sure. But that being said, it never stopped us in earlier years.
As far as workload goes, she is under the pump, no doubt. We have a 3 year old daughter and 6 month old twins. I work FIFO, so she has definitely has her hands full for the vast majority of the time. And yes, she is exhausted after a day of being a mum. It is the most demanding job in the world. We have moved into her mums house for the mean time so she can get help with the kids when I'm away. Her mum does all the cooking/cleaning/washing for her. We are very lucky to have that support network. When I'm home for 2 weeks at a time, I ensure she has as little to do as possible. I have always made sure that appreciation is always shown for even the small things she does. That's the way I was brought up and something we work hard on to instill in the kiddies.
Yes, I always say/do/express nice things in everyday situations, with sex being the least of my intentions. Everything from surprise flowers and presents to foot rubs and massages are always on offer, without any pressure of sex.
Birthing/pregnancy - again, both were dream runs. Both happening naturally and drug and (relatively) pain free. I have raised the issue with her on many different occasions to try and see whether there was anything I could do, to maybe help understand. I am a pretty affectionate person so things like hugs and holding hands are those little things I love to do because they feel special. There's been times where I would get told to back off as she has 3 needy kiddlets clinging to her all day so she just wants her space. Fair enough. Then I'll get questioned as to whether or not I still love her because I haven't been doing those same things that she loves!?!?
It's not so much that we have much less sex these days, I get that life's hectic with kids and we have to work around that. It's those special explicit texts or those cheeky photos I would get and just the general flirting with this beautiful girl that I really miss. It probably doesn't help that I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere with 200+ blokes, for weeks at a time, missing her like crazy!! I guess it's then, that it builds up and I might push the buttons when it comes to being cheeky with my advances that it all blows up and she let's me know that she's "not that girl anymore"
Thank you once again 😊
Hi I'm sorry to hear your sex life has suffered recently. As lovebirds has said there are a number of reasons for this, but it is most likely to be hormone related.
i have a couple of suggestions, have you thought of buying her a small toy, like a bullet? Just something small for her to enjoy when your at work. If you get something waterproof her bath time might get more fun. If she enjoys herself then your in!
Second suggestion is a set of jiggle balls http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32948. These are new and I have the heavier set. I have a few different sets in fairness. They are designed to tone a lady internally. So if she is worried about not being tigh enough for you after having baby this might help her confidence and her muscle tone. They also feel good to wear and mine get me very wet and excited, they can be worn for hours at a time.
There are some great offers about the site so you might be able to get both things for a good price. Worth a try?
Before is start this I will state this is not a personal dig at you.
My ex and I got into the very same rut. He forced me to be a stay at home mum after our second child, I also have a thyroid condition (which will require surgery) he would waltz in after work expecting his teatime cooked and kids in bed and would moan if the house was untidy. No appreciation at all as he saw his contribution as purely financial.
i gave my marriage my all, there was nothing left for me. Had I been allowed time to go out with a few friends, pamper myself now and then get a bit of space from the overwhelming needs of my children I might have been able to retain a little sense of self.
when my ex decided to leave I finally was able to rediscover myself, I now know who I am and because of that my sex drive has returned and I'm now dating again.
Being a parent is an overwhelming adjustment. She will still be in there somewhere, she just needs opportunities to engage in herself rather than I the needs of others.
open_minded: I think you in a way have answered your own question.
You miss the small interuptions of sexy texts and cheeky pictures from the beginning. But whereas, for you, these interuptions would come in the middle of a heavy period of work, surrounded by blokes, and in a time and place where you have endless amounts of time think about her and miss her,
for her, these interruptions would need to happen in a day that is filled with nappies and breastfeeding and spit-up and crying. Whatever little windows of time she can find for herself during the day, probably needs to be for her to catch her breath, not to take yours away.
It is likely that things will get a little bit easier when she's done breastfeeding, and as the kids grow older, you might get more back to your old habits. But right now, she is first and foremost a mother, and it may take time before she can resume being 'lover'. Give her that time.
As lovebirds wrote above, give her attention. Non-preassured interactions that you don't push on to lead to sex. Help her out, care for her and cuddle her. Give her what she needs right now, and she will give you what you need later.
When she feels comfortable leaving the kids, consider getting a sitter and take her away for a weekend? Or even just a night? Let her sip Champagne and take a bubble bath, and see what the night brings. If it only brings a good, well-rested night's sleep - she'll thank you for that too.
Now, of course you have needs in this situation too. But try to find new and inventive ways to take care of yourself? Ask her if you can take some daring photos of her next time you're home (maybe get her some nice lingerie for the occasion?). Consider getting a discrete male masturbator to keep you company? Get to know your left hand? Buy a fancy male masturbator for when you're home? Be creative!
I understand this must be horribly frustrating for you, but I'm sure she'll come back out of her mommy-shell as time and energy allows her to. For a while, focus on being a good daddy/husband, and let the lover rest ;-)
Good luck!
unfortunatly shes probably feeling exhausted with b`abies and a toddler try helping her out have the ids for a bit while she pampers herself.
+1 to little stars also have a tyroid condition and a baby and toddler and find it hard to get house + kids + dinner ready for when mr gets home the thought of sex most days seems like another chore.
consider her feelings she probably feels like you go out and leave her to deal with 3 little ones and by the time you get back she feels iverwhelmed and exhausted.
as someone who has spent several years breastfeeding can I just add to the already great advice that as much as I loved feeding my children, I also just wanted time when I wasnt sharing my body with anyone else, no cuddles, no feeding, no sex just me alone by myself! Even with all the support your wife has caring for three young children is just emotionally and physically exhusting especially with baby twins! I think the answer to your problem is patience, ok so its not experimental full on crazy sex but for now just be satisifed with what she is willing to offer and know that it wont be forever and when she feels ready to do more it will be fantastic again!
+1 on patience
ex probably wouldn't have been an ex if a) he had some patience b) took my hints when I was up for some intimacy. I mean seriously walking into the lounge naked and asking him up to bed wasn't hint enough.
He took to leaving me to raise two kids alone.