Help me get my BF off

Sex Tips & Talk
1

OK, this is a bit of a weird problem, but my BF has trouble climaxing. Like, REAL trouble. It never happens during intercourse, and he says it never has, ever. I can give him "Whoa head" (his term)for half an hour and he'll love it, but not quite get there. He has to wank really intensely to be able to come. Even the magic wand against the head of his cock doesn't get him there.

I thought it might be that his cock is less sensitive because of the intensive wanking, but he's had this all his life (he's in his early 30s) plus he doesn't come from prostate stimulation either. We've tried a finger and a fairly strong vibrator to his prostate, and it's the same thing - It'll feel real good, but doesn't get him over the edge.

Kind of running out of ideas here. Anyone have tips to try when I see him next?

2

The sensitiveity thing (well really being less sensitive) is definitely a factor I'd say. It's hard to solve, but you could try periods of abstience (sp??!) or non-sex sex, where you just touch each other elsewhere. The kind of thing that breaks the habit. It's hard, but try and not let it become an issue. I had a bloke who due to circumcision (no not wanting an OT debate on that please!) was less sensitive and he had to really thrust to get any sensation. Although for him oral was really good. So don't worry he's not alone in this.

The mental connection of sex is really important as well, he needs to get his head into what he's doing. Maybe a bit of fantasy (about you obv!) may help too.

Basically he needs to break this habit by trying new things. Not something you can do for him I'm afraid, sorry. Maybe refraining from wanking for a bit is a good idea as well but only when he wants to do that.

3

Definitely abstinence Dath. Any man will be gagging to cum after say a week without.

SG69 x

4

We have a long distance relationship so a month or more of abstinence is the rule with us, not the exception - I don't think he wanks very often in that time either.

We have discussed him going to the GP, problem is that he is overweight and his experience is that he won't be taken seriously because all the GP will say is "Lose weight" (with an implied "and all your problems will magically disappear") As if thin people never have health problems!

5

I'd have a read up on retarded or delayed ejaculation and see what you think - if it's nothing physical, then it's phsycological. On reading your post quickly my first thought was retrograde ejaculation , where the semen flows the wrong way and orgasm isn't really felt but if he can ejaculate, albeit only with very intense stimulation, then the former is more likely, unfortunately he will need very good sex therapy if it is the case and it's only 50/50 whether that type of treatment works. Perhaps as long as he is really enjoying things then he should take the pressure off and not even treat orgasm as a goal for a while? If he's stressed about not being able to come then he wont, it's exactly the same when men stress over coming to soon - they do.

6

I agree with Ian, trying something different is definitely a good idea. We get too set in coming one way sometimes (I'm like this) adn it can become the only way as a result.

As to going to the doc, sympathy there but it's worth a try. Obesity is linked to ejaculation and erection problems, but it's not the only reason.

Whatever you decide good luck!

7

my hubby rarely comes...never at all if i'm on top, never if i give him a blow job, never in missionary...in fact only when he's doing me doggy...and that is rarely! sometimes i'm convinced i'm just too wet...he slips out and then it just dies on me! sometimes he does this shaky 'i've just cum' thing when he's finished but nothing comes out :( pain in the arse seeing as starting a family would be nice at some point...

8

kosmik_kaos wrote:

my hubby rarely comes...never at all if i'm on top, never if i give him a blow job, never in missionary...in fact only when he's doing me doggy...and that is rarely! sometimes i'm convinced i'm just too wet...he slips out and then it just dies on me! sometimes he does this shaky 'i've just cum' thing when he's finished but nothing comes out :( pain in the arse seeing as starting a family would be nice at some point...

Well... men can come without ejaculating. Orgasm and ejaculation are different processes so its possible he orgasms but simply doesn't ejaculate.

If he finds it easy to cum through self stimulation then maybe you could ask him what works for him and have a go yourself. If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask! I'm sure the OA community are willing to help.External Media

9

WandA wrote:

kosmik_kaos wrote:

my hubby rarely comes...never at all if i'm on top, never if i give him a blow job, never in missionary...in fact only when he's doing me doggy...and that is rarely! sometimes i'm convinced i'm just too wet...he slips out and then it just dies on me! sometimes he does this shaky 'i've just cum' thing when he's finished but nothing comes out :( pain in the arse seeing as starting a family would be nice at some point...

Well... men can come without ejaculating. Orgasm and ejaculation are different processes so its possible he orgasms but simply doesn't ejaculate.

If he finds it easy to cum through self stimulation then maybe you could ask him what works for him and have a go yourself. If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask! I'm sure the OA community are willing to help.External Media

he doesn't do it himself...says he has me so he doesn't need to do it...fair enought...maybe i'm a bit crap in bed? it really gets me when he doesn't come because i really like it when he comes inside me, iv'e tried asking him whats up but he just says it feels like he's cum and thats that

10

kosmik_kaos wrote:

he doesn't do it himself...says he has me so he doesn't need to do it...fair enought...maybe i'm a bit crap in bed? it really gets me when he doesn't come because i really like it when he comes inside me, iv'e tried asking him whats up but he just says it feels like he's cum and thats that

Alot of people in your situation would jump to that conclusion and blame themselves but there are plenty of reasons why he might find it difficult to come, it is in no way certain its because of you! I believe unless there is an underlying issue an attentive lover can provide what their partner wants. I think its more likely there is an issue other than your bedroom skills if you are attempting to pleasure him. Have you had the same problem with other partners?

I think its often a mental issue that takes hold and is very hard to shake. There is a lot of pressure for men to preform and if they don't it just adds more pressure that makes sex more difficult. I know my girlfriend can only come when she is completely relaxed. I have a friend who's boyfriend couldn't get erect after one failed attempt, the pressure was too much for him after that. I suggested a 'soft' blowjob, that wasn't directly sexual and up he popped! If you place pressure on him to cum he will most likely find it very difficult.

There may be medical problems. Some medications can make it difficult. As is often the case with these situations talking should help greatly. I've posted some links below that I hope you find useful or give you a different perspective.External Media

http://www.drmalpani.com/anejaculation.htm

http://www.anejaculation.com/

http://ehealthforum.com/health/topic47814.html

The first 2 are more medical definitions and the last one is someone in a similar situation with personal commentsExternal Media

Good luck.

11

I was just about to make a post on this, as I find it rare/hard to cum when im with someone :( Ive never cum in a pussy, i have cum several times from anal, but its not a certainty :x

you could see how sensitive his penis is, Im really not very sensitive, it can and often does fade into numbness. Im about as sensitive as the inside of a forearm just above the elbow.

I can cum from wanking, when ive webcamed with girls while wanking sometimes i cant, and i normaly take much longer than on my own, so there is a psycholigical side, but its also physical. Im not super fit, i am fairly unfit, but im not that fat.

the mechanics of how i wank, vs sex is quite different, as i basicaly move the foreskin up and down when i wank, and i can hold it tighter than any pussy or ass ive experienced, and i dont think those where especialy loose... the foreskin doesnt move as much during sex i think. and depending on position etc you are far more physicaly active than when wanking...

oh ive tried not wanking for a week or so before meeting someone, i honestly dont know how much that helped

12

Do you use condoms Naughty?

13

about half the time I did.. first ones i had wherent comfortable for me, felt like they where choking the base of my penis, which is curious as the base is the narrowest part on me. the condoms i got from the sexual health clinic fit much better :)

id say id probably find it easier to cum without condoms, but if its a good condom, its not a big difference...

14

naughtyingu wrote:

about half the time I did.. first ones i had wherent comfortable for me, felt like they where choking the base of my penis, which is curious as the base is the narrowest part on me. the condoms i got from the sexual health clinic fit much better :)

id say id probably find it easier to cum without condoms, but if its a good condom, its not a big difference...

I know many men find it difficult to cum in a condom... So just wondered if the problem was as simple as that.

As I mentioned in the earlier post I think the mental aspect for many men makes it difficult...it might be worth checking the links I suggested if you are that worried and checking for some more online resources. Age can apparently play a factor in sensitivety.

Some people have suggested that large amounts of masturbation can make you less responsive to other stimulation... Personally I don't believe this is likely the issue. If it worries you so much I would suggest seeing a qualified medical practioner.

If in doubt see a doc! and in the meantime try to relax!External Media

15

its possible i guess, i did wank alot for along time, funny enough i used tobe worried about not lasting very long :o

male masterbation is rougher than female masterbation too

and age wise, im 26 now, and i lost my virginity at 22. been pretty much the same all that time, but ive not had a physical partner for more than a few days, only about two weeks total over those 4 years have i been with someone. its hard to pin down what it is with such a small sample set, and its also kinda new to me to be with someone aswell...

16

naughtyingu wrote:

its possible i guess, i did wank alot for along time, funny enough i used tobe worried about not lasting very long :o

male masterbation is rougher than female masterbation too

and age wise, im 26 now, and i lost my virginity at 22. been pretty much the same all that time, but ive not had a physical partner for more than a few days, only about two weeks total over those 4 years have i been with someone. its hard to pin down what it is with such a small sample set, and its also kinda new to me to be with someone aswell...

Maybe give yourself a go with an attentive partner and see how you goExternal Media. You get the chance to really find out what you like.

I think its one of those things that only becomes a problem when it interfares with your or your partners happiness.

Hope things work out ok!

17

well tbh, getting any partner with phyiscal contact of any kind has been really difficult for me :$, when you just had a day or two, its difficult if one has a issue...

18

Some good advice.. I am probably going to repeat what other people say.. Men wank all the time, there is a thread on it somewhere, and we definitely get used to doing it in a particular way.. Normally very fast and intensely... I find it difficult to connect with a new girl, so first nights are generally a problem, I think this is a mental thing, maybe the shock, maybe I am just not relaxed, not sure, but it always seems to sort it self out with time.. Maybe it is a similar thing with the time you have apart.. It definitely helps if I don't wank for a few days before, but I don't have the will power and also worry about coming too soon..

I agree with the people who say Doctors are useless. that is my experience..

I would try and copy what he does on his own, not just the hand position, but I think his body position is really important, some men wank on their side, some on their back, some sitting up. I think the position of the muscles in his body is important. When if you find a body position that works, try sex in that position and see what happens..

Fitness is also important.

Darth wrote:

OK, this is a bit of a weird problem, but my BF has trouble climaxing. Like, REAL trouble. It never happens during intercourse, and he says it never has, ever. I can give him "Whoa head" (his term)for half an hour and he'll love it, but not quite get there. He has to wank really intensely to be able to come. Even the magic wand against the head of his cock doesn't get him there.

I thought it might be that his cock is less sensitive because of the intensive wanking, but he's had this all his life (he's in his early 30s) plus he doesn't come from prostate stimulation either. We've tried a finger and a fairly strong vibrator to his prostate, and it's the same thing - It'll feel real good, but doesn't get him over the edge.

Kind of running out of ideas here. Anyone have tips to try when I see him next?

19

Ps. I rarely come from Blow jobs on their own.. there is never enough grip.. but it still feels good. so wank him off and suck at the same time. that is amazing.. again, do this in the same position as he would be in on his own.. i.e 69 so that your hand is round the right way when you grip..

20

kosmik_kaos wrote:

WandA wrote:

kosmik_kaos wrote:

my hubby rarely comes...never at all if i'm on top, never if i give him a blow job, never in missionary...in fact only when he's doing me doggy...and that is rarely!

If he finds it easy to cum through self stimulation then maybe you could ask him what works for him and have a go yourself.

he doesn't do it himself...says he has me so he doesn't need to do it...fair enought...[...] iv'e tried asking him whats up but he just says it feels like he's cum and thats that

My alarm bells are really ringing at this situation. I think there's a lot going on here and I think it needs intervention ASAP, because if it goes on much longer I think something really scary is likely to happen. Something like maybe your self esteem is going to go on a 20 year-long holiday.

The part where you said "fair enough" in response to your husband saying that he doesn't need to masturbate because has you, I don't think that's fair enough at all, I think that's bullshit and weird logic.

Masturbation is not solely a poor substitute for sex with others, masturbation is solo self stimulation which is a sexual activity in its own right. And just by its existence, sexual activity with others does not exclude masturbation, just as masturbation does not exclude also having sexual activity with others, including masturbation with others.

I mean if they were so inclined, a person could have penis-in-vagina penetrative sex in the morning, a mutual masturbation session together in the afternoon, and then maybe a private wank in the evening. Sexual activity with others and masturbation can easily, frequently and happily co-exist. So your husband's claim that they don't was my first alarm bell.

Since the logic of that is so weird, I think that represents something serious.

My second alarm bell was that your husband responded to your repeated efforts to discuss this with stonewalling, weird logic, and refusal. To me that's another biggie because something is very obviously going on, and from what you said, your husband is continuing to pretend that whatever it is just doesn't exist. To me that is more weird logic, and a danger sign of significant communication issues.

I mean, if he refuses to discuss this, what else is he refusing to discuss? And if he has weird logic for sexual activity, what else is he having weird logic about?

To me, this sounds like is an extremely serious situation and I think you, and especially your husband, will need more help than we can realistically offer on this forum. Although I'm not sure exactly what kind of help you or your husband needs, I do know from my experience of situations similar to your description that leaving them alone can only ever end in badness. So I urge you to go to your GP and explain to them what you told us. Keep pestering your GP until you get a referral to some kind of specialist, preferably some kind of counselling. And if that isn't helpful, then go back to your GP and get another referral, and another, and another, until you get the right one for you.

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope everything works out the way you want it too.