I haven't been here in a while! I started a new job and have been sooo busy! Truth is I'm in need of some advice.
Some of you may remember, a while back I asked for advice on my relationship situation and wether ot not I should break up with my boyfriend. Well. We're still together, but now I really do need someone with a bit more sense than myself to give me their opinion.
So basically... We've been together for 5 years. I'm 21, him 23. We spend about 4 evenings/nights a week together because of our working hours. We usually just do a spot of food shopping or have lunch, then watch a movie in bed.
I have a crush on a friend, and I can't stop thinking about it. I know that I am probably just stuck in a bit of a rut, bored with our routine and my mind is wandering.
I feel like I've fallen out of love with him, but I'm just so confused. I love him, I realy do and he has no idea about how I feel right now. I want to break up... but I also don't want to.
I feel like I need to be by myself. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend because I'm scared of being by myself, and I also just feel sorry for him. He would have no idea it's coming, and he doesn't really have any friends around him right now to help him through it. But at the same time, I do love him and can't really imagine life without him,
queenC ....get together with him and decide to move forward together,,,get your own place no matter how crap it is and fight for the future, you watch his back he watches yours, take on the world..
If that's genuinely the main motivation behind you not breaking up with him, then I honestly think that you should end it. You guys were young enough getting together, and it sounds as if you're just going through the motions now. I was in a similar situation with an ex, where I found out after breaking up with her that she would've done so a long time ago but she felt I was too nice a guy and felt a bit sorry for me - it was not a nice thing to find out and really painted our last year together as more or less a complete lie.
That's just my perspective on it - it's tough to know without knowing the exact circumstances you guys are in. But if you're crushing on another guy, then that's usually a bad sign for the relationship. If, on the other hand, you really do love him, and think that this is just a hump you guys can get over, then you need to talk to him asap. It's always tough to know whether this is just a young relationship that you can both learn a lot from, but find someone more suited to you as adults, or whether he really is the one you should spend your life with.
If you're still doubtful about it, then every day you leave without talking tohim about it is just going to worsen it should you decide to break up with him. It's a tough situation to be in alright :(
I think you should probably end it tbh but we will only ever know part of the story.
How much you are questioning this, over and over, isn't comfortable, healthy, lovely, wonderful, everything you both deserve.
Life goes on and things work out okay. Hard times are lessons.
You'd get back together if it really was the wrong choice to have a break. You're both young. This isn't a problem AT ALL. There are many who marry their first love and are happily ever after, but you are obviously distressed.
I don't want to sound mean but I don't know how else to say it, you come across naive and I think this will be a good progression for you.
Life isn't about having a partner. Your life is yours. It is your development.
Remove the friend crush and work on what is left... which is the biggest part of your issue. No one will have the best answer... just look for the one that makes you the happiest.
The question is have you got texts/conversations with you man crush that you haven't/don't or aren't willing to share with you boyfriend?
If yes I would tend to say that it's an indication that you want the secrets and the rush of something new that your curious to explore and want to keep your secret.
I'd say toss a coin too, heads stay or tails split the reaction to the side it lands on is a big tell of what you want to do.
interesting how easy it is to terminate someone elses relationship...I say stand and fight better the devil you know
it's best to do it the easiest way. you want someone else and not him. so, go to that someone else. you are hurting the one you are with by dithering. delay will hurt......newness will deliver...
do what feels right in your heart ... do what makes you happy
but what about duty and responsibilty
I am all for working on things, and trying to solve problems rather than run away from them. However I also believe that we all get one life. No one knows how long it will last and if one person is unhappy then they have a duty to either attempt to fix it or to walk away. Why should anyone go through life being unhappy or downright miserable because it is considered dutiful to stay with someone for life? Is it being responsible to anyone to stay in a relationship that had broken down and where they fight all the time? If children are involved. What are we teaching them? I think it is much healthier to see mum and dad apart and happy than together and miserable and killing each other.
People change, circumstance changes and sometimes staying together when both of you have grown apart is highly illogical. In my opinion, duty doesnt come into it. Of course you have the "duty" to treat other humans with decency and respect but you also have the duty to enjoy your life and be happy. You are responsible only for yourself. Your own happiness and your own life. If someone comes into your life you have the responsibilty to treat them as you would want to be treated but you are not responsible for their happiness or their life.
I think the longer you have been with someone, and the more you have been through as a couple, naturally means that if a bad patch hits, you work on it for much longer. QueenC I believe is still young (Forgive me if I am wrong but I think I remember her mentioning early twenties) At this age people are still figuring out who they are and what they want, hell I am 29 and I am still doing that. :P Also QueenC has been circling around this issue for months now and her opinion isnt changing, she still feels like she doesnt love him anymore. You cannot force yourself to love someone out of duty. You can stay with someone forever out of duty, but why? It isnt always (or often) the right thing to do.
QueenC I know you have been circling this issue for a long time now and really we have all given you as much advice as we can and I can see you are still struggling. Hey uncertainty and big changes are a big deal, massive to some people. I can understand that. but I have no further advice I can give because everyone has said it all already. Try not to let this eat at you. One day you will make your decision, whicever way you decide I wish you the best of luck
All the above comments taken into consideration, are you in love with him? If yes, you could ask for a break. Different from breaking up, you can set the terms and length of the separation beforehand (eg still mutually exclusive, or no getting drunk, or only for a week, or if it's a sexual thing terms such as no touching yourself or no porn). This not seeing one another can do a few things. 1) Give you the space you need for a breather 2) Rekindle forgotten feelings of longing 3) Give you time and a clear head to decide how you really feel for each other. There are also other variations, but I think a week away would be appropriate if you're still confused about your feelings or want to make a choice. If you're not in love with him, it may be best to talk about it to him and explain to him that he means a lot to you but not the way he used to. Good luck x
The matter of the crush needn't get in the way of talking to your partner about the fact that, at the tender age of 21, you feel in a rut. I have been married, happily, for many years and that happiness has always come from talking things through. It is not always easy but the only 'duty' here is to be honest with one another after 5 years together. The answer to your question will become clearer as you talk; who knows - he may well feel the same.
How are you doing with the depression and other things you've written about before? If all of that's still going on, this might not be the best time for this sort of decision.
I personally think you should only stay together if you are both truely happy and IN love with one another and cannot ever imagine not being with them
If you have doubts and dont feel like things have changed in a good way or you feel you want different things/people then thats telling you things really arent right and if its gone on this long then i doubt its going to get sorted now
I know its a hard thing to get your head around especially since you've been together 5 years, but you have to decide whether you want to continue living in almost limbo or you break it off as amnicably as possible and give yourselves both the chance to get out there and find yourselves
But only you can decide which is the best option for you, if you stay with him do it because YOU want to, not because you feel you should or feel sorry for him or whatever. Its the two of you in this relationship, not just him. Your happiness counts too