Hi I'm new and would like some advice / comment

Hiya all. Bit of background: I am 67 yr old straight man married to a 66 yr straight woman for nearly 20 years. We have a great loving relationship, however in the last 5 years our sex life has dwindled down to next to nothing. This I think is to do with increasing ED. The problem is that Viagra etc used to help, but now they only seem to work 20 percent kof the time. To try and resolve this I intend to have a conversation out of the bedroom (thinking mid morning) and explain that I think that because of my ED I am hesitant to make the first move and that I don’t want her to think it is because the love is dying. I know that sex is only a small but important part of a relationship but I don’t want to loose this.
So, do you guys think this is a good plan and, more fun, can you come up with some things to do when the drugs don’t work and PIV is not going to happen?
(Fun fact; when I got my first prescription for Viagra 15 years ago the doctor commented that before Viagra the only advice he could to men in my position was to take up gardening​:grinning:).
Sorry if I have rambled on a bit - I am new here​:eggplant:


Can I ask are you still horny in your head but the penis is not getting the message ?

Or is it a case where you are just not interested in sex

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I’d suggest speaking with your GP first to see if there is anything else you can do regarding your ED - weight loss, exercise (to rule out diabetes/heart failure/any nasties) or anything that could be affecting blood flow into those important areas.
Medical advancement has changed a lot in 15 years! Ask your GP for options if it’s your head space affecting you too.
Once you have managed those issues you may not need to even have the conversation you are considering/suggesting.
Good luck!

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Communication is your best tool so its great to read you have a plan in mind.

How is the non sexual intimacy? Do you still kiss? Hold hands when you’re out? Have a cuddle, touch each other when you’re passing, things like that? If you do all that, then the leap back into experimenting should hopefully be smooth.

I would approach it very much as you wanting your wife to enjoy her sexuality and ask how she would like it to be. She may not be interested in PIV, she may want to do other things but you also have to consider that she may not want to engage sexually. Hopefully thats not the case.

If you’ve used toys together previously, you could suggest that you have a look through the LH website together and just nosy at what kinds of toys are available. I hope you can both be very open with each other and that it goes well.


Helloooo and I’m sure someone will have some wise words of wisdom

@batjamboree Still horny, wake up most mornings with an erection but can’t maintain it more than a minute or so. The drugs normally add a a couple more minutes

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@GoGirl12 thanks for that I will research some of the alternatives I hadn’t realised Cialis lasted 30 hours, so we give that a

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@PCC thank you for your thoughts, you may well have a point. Since retirement I have put on the ponds - time to dig out the diet recipe books!


@JoCat I think you have made a very valid point. We used to hold hands kiss etc all the time, much to the amusement of our friends - people falling in love in their late 40’s acting like teenagers was always a source of fun​:grinning:. Over time cuddling and holding hands seem to get left behind, definitely in the the agenda for our conversation.


Hello and welcome! I think having a conversation outside the bedroom about your desire to maintain intimacy is absolutely a good one. It’s a non-threatening/neutral space to express your own desires and hopefully hear where your wife is at as well (you mention the dwindling and that you don’t want her to think it’s a lack of desire on your part, but you haven’t stated if you know her feelings on where things are at currently). And It’s more curiosity for me than changing my thoughts at all, but I suppose it’s worth considering what your sex life was like before it dwindled? Are you trying to rekindle a once-raging fire, or was it down to low embers for a while?

There are plenty of things beside intercourse you can do to keep the spark alive as well. Is oral (specifically performed on her) a part of your repertoire? May not take the tension off for you, but it’s a start. How about toys? For her, or you. There are even male toys that don’t require an erection to get enjoyment (some of these vibrators - the Hot Octopus I know for sure and maybe the Blowmotion and Hotshot can be used on a soft penis - doesn’t always stay that way - enjoyably) or there’s prostate/anal toys that may improve erection. Or if the medication does help for a bit, the addition of a cockring to lock in the bloodflow might help, too.

All the best for you - it takes two to tango, but props on taking the lead to bring back the spark!


Definitely get your testosterone level checked.

I my late 50s I had problems with ED snd it turned out that my testosterone level was off the bottom of the scale. Testogel, a hormone replacement gel, has sorted me out a treat.

Having said that our relationship has changed to one where PIV sex is now a very minor part of our activities anyway.

She orgasms at least once a day, but usually more, by masturbation, toys oral sex or any way she fancies. I orgasm when she let’s me by similar methods but more often than not she edges me or let’s me edge myself but denies me the final orgasm. She does, however, peg me frequently and that is really our favourite activity now.


@JoCat Again you make a very fair point, regarding what she wants I asked numerous times in the early days and the answer was always “whatever you want”. With hindsight I should have persevered in asking for more specifics. I have seen reference on this forum to a couple of online questionnaires where you both separately answer questions regarding your preferences and desires and then they are matched. This would mean both of us being more positive about what we want, also it may well give us both some ideas of other possibilities, so I think I will add that to the conversation
Regarding not wanting to engage sexually, if that’s the case I’m not sure, perhaps I’ll take up gardening (no I wont- it will be prostate massage!). Seriously that would be sad but we still love each other very much and I am old enough to understand and love are two different things.


The old gardening trick! Grow some cucumber and carrots :joy:
Honestly I think your doing the right thing in planning to have an open conversation with your wife about it all and I think you’ll find she won’t care as much as your imagining :slightly_smiling_face:
Strangely I know of quite a few men who’ve been on viagra longterm and it’s stopped having the desired effects which leads me to believe it’s possible to body becomes immune to the pills or something…

Don’t wait for the conversation, go hug your lady!

One of the quizzes is Carnal Calibration, just google that and it’ll bring up the website for the quiz. My brain is too foggy at the moment to remember if we’re allowed to link it. Its a good quiz.

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Hi @Cockney_in_Norfolk :wave:
Welcome to the forum!

I think the conversation away from the bedroom is an excellent idea. If I were in her position, I would worry that you no longer found me attractive. Reassurance this is not the case and that it is a medical issue are much easier problems (emotionally) to deal with and you can come up with a plan for what you both want subject to the limitations together.

As the others have said, there are soooo many toys and things you can experiment with together these days that I’m sure you can still have great, intimate fun together even when ED is proving unhelpful. Might take the pressure off him too which might help. I’d suggest, depending on how your chat goes, having a look through the shopping site together and see if anything peaks both your interest. My suggestions would be a rechargeable wand for both of you to enjoy and maybe a vibrator for her that you could use on her… depending on her wishes of course.


Hello and welcome

I feel for you being just a bit younger myself . My wife is disabled and a pain patient and we pretty much have zero sex life . She is still thinking of sex , but she is fixated on PIV more than anything . Physically it is basically impossible . She is also hesitant because her self image is quite low . It is actually difficult to hug even . Everybody has great suggestions that I may have to borrow . Oh yeah , Hello and welcome to the forums ! Good luck with getting her to communicate . I think that quiz sounds like a wonderful idea .

Hiya all,
Have had the conversation and things are looking up.
@JoCat we are now cuddling every morning and night, thank you for reminding us of the importance of small intimacies. Also the Carnal Calibration site was a revelation, we are now working through a long list of things that are mutual maybes​:grin:
@LRLRL, thanks for the advice, the missus has never been a fan of toys, but this morning we spent 2 hours just playing with a wand - amazed how much fun that can be had!
@Peitho you got it spot on, we are looking at a whole range of toys.
To everyone, the most important thing we have relearnt is that sex should be fun and laughing is vital!


Thanks for the update! So pleased you’re both doing well :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


Wonderful update to read. I’m so happy for you both, lots of fun and sexy times to be had, ED or no ED :clap::clap::clap: