Probably the most stupid question but how do you know if you've had an orgasm? I don't even know if I've ever had one. Its getting to the point for me where I don't find sex or anything enjoyable, I find myself apologising all the time because I feel useless. Any tips on how to just enjoy it and not experience the orgasm bit?
Hi Bigheart,
Why do you feel useless,what do you think you are doing wrong? Are your being asked to do things you can’t do or have you been told by your partner or past partners you’re no good?
If you’re carrying so much self doubt and you’re not really enjoying the sex it’s going to be really difficult to be happy with your sexual self let alone to orgasm.
If you’re not enjoying sex, you need to think about why you’re not enjoying it. The best place to start is with yourself, give yourself some private time, explore yourself, find out what makes you tick, what sensations you enjoy, what you don’t. Take your time, sex doesn’t need to be rushed either solo or with others. Are you comfortable to try a sex toy like a Womanizer starlet to see what it’s like to orgasm?
The mind is a powerful organ, generally if it’s not happy, the rest of your body won’t be either.
Im hoping others here will add to this thread, you’ve come to a great place for support, be as open as you like and don’t be scared to ask questions, you are not alone X
Hi Bigheart,
Mr Pheebs advice is good. If you find it hard to look at how you feel and why write a list. What makes you happy, what makes you sad, and what turns you on/fantasie. Then have a read of your own list. Are you doing the things that make you happy? Are there a lot of things that make you sad? Like Mr Pheebs said if your mind is not happy your body will not be.
Try to make a bit of time for yourself, one evening a week where you do nothing. Long hot bath with a glass of wine (for example) and allow yourself to relax. Relaxing is the first step. Then a little self pleasure, again the bath is great for this. Take your time, you have all night. If you like porn why not watch some you don't have to do anything, but it might get you in the mood.
When playing solo as you feel you start to get more aroused, don't stop yourself, just carry on, you will be amazed how much you can enjoy yourself. Don't set yourself goals of having an orgasm. It will happen naturally as and when your ready.
For me as I get close to orgasm I can't get enough of the thing that is pleasuring me, be it a toy, my OH, or myself, I want more and more harder deeper. My senses build, I lose all sense of sound and have no idea that I'm making noises, I feel warmer and all of a sudden my body clenches in waves of pleasure, then relax in relief and satisfaction. But that's just how I orgasm, I assume we are all different. I hope this is not too graphic for you, and that it helps you.
Hey Bigheart, My Pheebs and Fun Louise have given great advice, the mind can be a huge block. Relaxing is so important, as is feeling completely comfortable with what you're doing.
If you're not into something let your OH know, giving direction can help, if you're not enjoying a sensation it won't lead to an orgasm.
I'd also say take it slow, lots of build up can really help to create a mood and anticipation can be amazing.
Music helps me, I find something that I find sexy but that won't put me off, depending on the kind of mood I'm in and what's going on (romantic songs if it's all slow and sexy with lots of kisses, rock songs about sex if it's kind of rough etc) - my own noises put me off sometimes so having music blocking that out helps me out. I also sometimes throw a pillow on my face to muffle :')
But absolutely take time for yourself, do things that make you feel sexy and confident, and get to know your own body. It took me a -lot- of masturbation before I had an orgasm, and even once I did I couldn't muster one every time. The same stimulation can feel different depending on your position too, so move around, while trying different things, something that feels blah lying on your back might feel amazing on all fours ;) Now I generally only have problems if my mind is getting in the way or I'm really tired :)
For me, when I get close everything needs to be exactly the same as it was but a little more intense (sometimes a lot more, but the same sensations focusing on the same spots), and it's like a tingling building in my vagina/stomach (like a fuzzy version of being excited for something). My hips also start moving a lot and my legs/stomach and everywhere inbetween tenses up. I also lose track of how much noise I'm making. Then after all the building, there's a sudden sense of relief and I can't stand the stimulation (so I turn off the toy/kick my OH away or whatever) and chill till it's over.
As Fun Louise said it's different for everyone so I thought I'd throw my experience in. I also hope this isn't too graphic and that it's helpful :)
Good luck (:
I think my problem is that I've only been with one person which is my current partner so I'm not that experienced. I definitely put a mental block up as well as I'm not a confident person.
Also my partner tells me to finish and it puts me off or he says stuff that just completely knocks my confidence and I just don't have the confidence to continue and he knows I'm not a confident person at all but he just seems to forget about that.
I've tried to have some me time but I just can't seem to switch off enough to finish the deed, I've got loads of toys that just don't seem do it for me anymore.
Maybe get a really good toy? The Womanizers are great. Take control of your own sexual needs, don’t be dominated if you don’t want to be. If he’s telling you to finish because he’s climaxing but you’re not there yet ask for more foreplay and start penetration when you are really aroused or just keep going with foreplay, we have tongues and hands for a reason 😉
Finally, make sure you enjoy what you’re receiving. If Mrs Pheebs doesn’t orgasm at least once during our sexual play we don’t stop until she does or she says she doesn’t want too.
I would say though. If you’re worried you can’t orgasm, get a Womanizer toy from here and let that put your mind at rest, maybe that will help your anxiety a little? I understand that you have used toys in the past but these are a little different from anything you are likely to have experienced in the past.
Finally, do you watch porn? I’m asking because watching too much has a massive effect on your sexual health, and can make your sexual expectations too high to sustain.
I hope I have provided food for thought X
I've got a really good bullet that I used quite a bit but now when i use it i have to stop as i just cant bring myself to finish as i cant get there.
I think i just need to communicate more as i just go with what is happening and don't really say if i'm enjoying it or want to do something different.
i've watched porn before but it was just too much for me i'm not into if im honest.
everyone who has commented has been helpful i just need to stop being so hard on myself and just let things happen.
If your partner is putting pressure on you and knocking your self confidence is he the one for you?
You are as important in ALL aspects of your relationship and if he doesn’t give you that respect you will have a block.
Be selfish and treat yourself be it simply to a self touch session or using a womaniser etc.
Look after you
Alm1 wrote:
If your partner is putting pressure on you and knocking your self confidence is he the one for you?
You are as important in ALL aspects of your relationship and if he doesn’t give you that respect you will have a block.
I absolutely agree with this! Your partner should not be putting pressure on you or saying things that could knock your confidence. You need to have a discussion with him about that and if he doesn’t stop I’d be reconsidering the relationship.
I wouldn’t be able to orgasm if I had someone putting me down or telling me to climax either. If he wanted me to reach that point, he’d do it with his actions, not his words. It sounds like he may be a bit selfish in the bedroom and he wants the orgasm for him not for you. The mental block is definitely a real thing and it sounds like him stepping on your confidence has put the wall up further than you had it yourself. Take some time to explore on your own with no pressure, relax as much as possible and focus on the sensations and what feels good. It’s not all about the orgasm. It’s about the journey too. If you stop focusing on the end result then the journey and the finale will be much better, I assure you.
Easy to say that I know but I’ve been there and done that! I’ve only had full sex with one person so I wasn’t hugely experienced at the time but neither was he and we learnt together and had fun. If it isn’t fun, what is the point?
If you need any toy recommendations just give us a shout! You may just need something a little stronger.
Just to say, even if your partner isn't putting any pressure on you, you may be putting too much pressure on yourself.
You say you have a bullet, but it might not be the right one for you. I have a few and some do it, some don't.
Could you try a Womanizer type toy? These generally seem to suit almost every woman.
If you can take some quiet time with yourself and a good toy that suits you I think you'll find you'll hit your stride. Once you've used it often enough it'll help you get to know how your body reacts to different speeds and pressures and your confidence will grow.
Once you're confident with it, maybe you could introduce it to your partner - but use it on yourself first and show him how to use it properly if he wants to.
If he's the kind of guy who won't wait for you or puts pressure on you, maybe he's not the guy for you. Has he told you to stop apologising? A nice guy wouldn't allow you to feel bad about yourself.
I'll shut up with the relationship advice now (it's in my DNA - I saw so many women go through bad times when I volunteered at Women's AId I'm always looking for the bad guys and it's not always helpful!).
But you definitely need to relax, experiment and get to know your body. Have lots of fun getting there,too.
Hello,
I have not seen this before, because I was dealing with something happening in my life, but let me bit share my experience. I never had many sex partners, nor I had orgasms easy to come in the start. I was like 23 when I had my first one?
Here are some of my tips. First, you need to start to better communicate with the partner. Partners should not hurt our confidence. But should be open for honest communication. I had issues with orgasms even after I learnt how to get them and guess wha? I had partner, who sometimes also had problem and he is a guy. it is normal. We just did not push it, he made sure I had my orgasm or me him and then we cuddled.
If your partner keeps hurting your confidence, i would consider if he is the one for me. Does he support you otherwise? If yes, then why he puts you down around sex. If he does not support you at all, i would consider ending it, tbh.
Secondly, you need to try to experiment on your own. My beginnings were hard. I got very aroused, very needy, but the orgasms just never came. It took me playing on my own with this little toy, till I had my first one - https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=31573
And trust me, it took me like an hour to reach my first orgasm. I bought that one since i did not have much spare money, but if you do have some more cash, i would personally recommend a rechargeable toy - it saves you money in the longer run on batteries, especially if you need more time to get there. And trust me, it took me longer time to orgasm even after I learnt how to. But the good news is, that it does improve with time and practise and years on, I have no issues usually, unless I am down, etc.
Womanizer is definitely good toy, but it is bit more pricey, but I really like mine.
But there are bit cheaper and also have good reviews
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=26627
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32321
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=35174 - but this is really for pinpoint stimulation, the above may be bit better for some.
Thirdly, I am suggesting clitoral toys, since most women are more likely to get clitoral orgasm, while vaginal may take some time to reach. For me that did not take weeks of experimenting with toys, but few years. But for vaginal I found that kegal balls are great, since they made me more aware and also do some stimulation. As well as they strenghten the pelvic floor muscles and the orgasms started to be stronger after regular use.
I don't think he pressures me I think it's more meant to be encouragement (sounds stupid I know).
My partner is very supportive especially since I go to work full time and college so he is very supportive and always has been. He doesnt do it intentionally I just think he doesn't realise some of the things he does or says just knocks my confidence or I'm just overreacting I don't know.
I think I need to give myself some time and just not try worry about it and force myself or put too much pressure onto myself.
I'm going to have a look at some other toys and hopefully find one that isn't intimidating to me.
Great plan Bigheart. We’re here if you need us X