Orgasms

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Ok so I am one of these lucky women who find it hard to have an orgasm. I know the reasns why, I am indeed my own worst enemy, mind ding fifty to the dozen, being too hard on my self, plus i find it hard to relax.

I used to force my self to have an release, but realised that I was doing my self more harm than good, putting my self under such pressure and torture. It would be a lie that things have not improved over the past couple of years, but it would be a lie to say that orgasams are amazing.

They are not. I find having one with my partner a totally different experience to having one by my self. More intense, however my partner finds it hard to focus never mind be mature, so thats rather of putting.

There is nothing wrong with my physically, i do feel its emtinal and mental related (no i am not crazy or insane lol)

Is anyone in the same boat as me, anyone care to share, or provide tips guidance and insight on what they do to relx or make things better. I know there are a lot of people who have the same situation as me if not worse, and I know there are those who have come out at the other side with flying colors.

For me personally a lot of damage came about in rgeards to how I was brought up. Parents so very strict/anal retentive and frowned upon anything remotely sexual. Sex/intimacy was certainly Taboo in the house I grew up in.

Any way I my self would be interested in what people say here and what they share

SF![](upload://4WyQT1gwKaQJNwhYxrKZ1rOPglF.gif)

2

the girl i am with at the moment had never cum before we got together, she had had around 6-8 other full partners who have all tried to lease her and the first few times i couldnt but she did come for the first time with me after loads and loads of playing and going into sex in around a 3-4 hour forplay first doing everything you could think of doing, now she cums all the time and loves sex so i guess its like finding a key then using it when you need to if that makes sence but the man you are with if not focused on the job is going to be hard work, sex in my eyes is to please

3

Hi there GS

I havent had any positive sexual experiences, my previous boy friends (not that I had many) Had no idea, but then neither did I.

My current partner, well yes he finds it hard to focus and concentrate and I am a sensitive sort, so I feel him not being present, and watching the `clock` I have spoken to him about it, and its geting better, but its not like its all his fault, we only just had a heart to heart the other night, and a lot of things came out in the open (all good)

I feel that I need to relax more and trust, surely te rest will happen from there on in. Its not like I `dont` have orgasms, but some times they become so intense that I become frightened.

4

without been boaring or shallow from having non i can make my play mate scream even when she trys not to, with all the women i have been with i get more out of them cuming thean me cummg so in a way work on each partner like a goal to find the way to make her cum and most after the normal 2-3 hours will just lay on the bed almost stoned then we tend to have a good fuck to let me have my turn if you follow but again there is sex during the play time but not alot more a tease to build up the whole thing of her cumming

5

For me sex is not just an act.

I do love knowig what turns a man on, but even then my bf often pushes my efforts away in a child like manner. I acknowledge this as him with the same issue as me. Sex was not seen in a healthy manner when he was growing up, sex and sexua feelings are something to be ashamed of.

Which is disasterous if you cant get over it. I have come a long way, but yes I still have some way to go, I just need to stop being hard on my self and seeing all this as some type of race

6

yep your right, its not an act to me i lve sex and what it means to me and lve pleaseing, i think mayb try just having sex and fun and not think about it and what your doing, dont think into thinks to much as it always goes wrong when you do that.

7

Ohh I know this, its something I comprehend totally, but actually being in the `mood` to start something...

Lol my get up and go has got up and gone lmao

8

the girl im pleaseing at the minute sex drive had gone due to not cumming for so many years now she loves it again and is willing to try anything so i guess its a case of finding it as its never gone or maybe a three way thing might be a option to get him going again and you as they can do mirricals

9

Sincere and honest comunication is helping. Knowing that having sexual needs and feelings is completely ok. Rather than something to be ashamed of or guilty about etc.

10

My wife has had the same issues as you her entire life, and while we enjoy the closeness of sex, it has worn thin on both of us for quite some time. It had even gotten to the point where I was about ready to give up. Then we had a very serious conversation. The highlight of the conversation was finding out just how frustrated she was, too. Through both of our frustrations, neither of us wanted to talk about the elephant in the room for fear of feeling inadequate, or just plain embarassed. It turns out that all we needed was that conversation. That talk opened so many doors.
She is physically in the group that you refer to as having a difficult time orgasming. This is made worse by her constantly putting pressure on herself to cum and to focus, when in reality, all she is doing is making it worse on herself. As this goes on, I was trying harder and harder but was getting nowhere because she was going in circles. It really was a vicious cycle.
Following this big talk, we have decided to make sure we communicate BETTER, not just more. We don't just have more foreplay, we have better foreplay now. What has gotten her going in the past may not work tonight and we adapt. Since we are more open with each other there is a lot less pressure on both of us, which has resulted in a lot better sex. If she doesn't cum one night, it is not the end of the world, but those days are few and far between now. We really do enjoy the time spent together in that act of becoming one (I know, corney).
Take your time, learn to feel each other, the tenseness of each reaction to each movement, but don't get caught over thinking everything. Communicate with each other with and without words. And most importantly, QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF! You will never be able to truelly relax and enjoy yourself and your partner.

11

Would it help if both of you watch porn together?

12

I had never had an orgasm except rarely on my own until I'd been with my husband for several years. I was abused as a child and it left me with so many hang ups about being touched that it took a lot for me to relax and let myself go. I found the harder I tried the less likely it was to happen. One night I was really tired and slightly tipsy and hubby wanted to have sex, I wasn't really keen but agreed and suddenly it happened.
Since then things have improved a lot but I still struggle sometimes. We find that concentrating on me first works best, then hubby gets all the attention. I've recently been put on medication for anxiety and depression which makes it difficult to climax, so we find toys help lots.
I'm hoping to come off the meds soon as I'm having counselling and finally starting to put the past behind me. I've written a letter to my abuser (my step father who is currently terminally ill in hospital) which helped a lot.
It's only since I started dealing with the past that our sex life has improved.. We're like newlyweds again after 21 years together and hubby loves the fact that at last I'm ready to experiment a bit and try new things.
Hope you can let go of your past the same way, could your GP arrange some counselling for you? It sounds like you and your partner could both do with some help... Maybe couples counselling too?
I really hope things improve for you!

13

HI Jock & Glam

Ok where to satart here: (excuse typos)

We do put a lot of pressure on our selves to `perform` because there is a subconscious and not to subconscious fear of being inadequate. Its not just women that do this to them selves but men too. Sometimes I do find my self reflecting and wondering where all this pressure comes from and how it started. If we are ok with our bodies then we are not ok, in how we are between the sheets, if we are ok there then we are not ok in how we sound, various positions, what our OH thnks of us. List ges on and on.

With me personally its not exacty the past that is holding me back, but the damage of the past, and how its had an effect on the way I feel about my self, not just the way I look at my self. Being braught up by a very strict family, where your every move was watched and scrutanized, and where your faith in your self was also constantly questioned/put to the test, had a rather dramatic effect. It did not help matters either that my mother was mentally, psychologically abusive. More so when no one else was aroud or watching.

She admitted not so long ago that she was jalous of me. To cut a long story short I needed to make a decision if I wanted my parents in my life could I tolerate their blatant disrespect and massive control issues. NO So I did what I needed to do. That was 2 years ago

I was a very angry wman at one stage, one that certainly felt they had no idendity, and it would be a lie to say that I am fully over this. My up bringing and various family attitudes/teaching left their mark, where I constantly questioned my self, not just others, where I was constantly hard on my self. My friend says `you need to trust and honor your self,` I am ehhh![](upload://JDvwB4BqTlXmc0TRZyEqziKCrM.gif) where do I even begin in letting these patterns go. Self confidence is no where to be seen, so I built up various defenses, walls, barriers, trust issues (more with my self) which then lead to `trusting others) I was bullied a lot at school from age 6-16 between the ages of 11 and sixteen though that was the worst,

I dont lok at it as `worst` I look at it all wit the attitude of `would I be where I am now if I had not experienced such experiences` I comprehend that there is a reason and purpose to all this. I certainly would not be here if I was not meant to survive the storm.![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)

Its been a challenging road, I agree but there has been some miracles, to be told that I am `brave` I suppose that is a compliment, On an intimate level though, its al about relaxing, and not wanting to `be in control` I am a strong minded woman, which is a pain in the ass, as it makes me come over a certain way. (used to be very dominant in my personality) This has changed now though. However because I have been used to being strong, being in control and giving the orders, I do find I have a submissive streak.

I am not talking whips and chains, but I am certainly talking from the angle of. Here, here is the reigns, `you` be in control, I dnt want to be on top tonight.

My partner says I need to relax and not to be frightened, I am quite tense, and certainly have this set up where I shut down from feeling intimate about my self never mind with another person. Sex was seen as a taboo in my family, something never to be talked about. This lead to me having this very ut dated attitude, but also an inner strugge as I know from my heart its wrong what I learned via the church and the constant indoctrination I received from my parents.

Orgasams are hard, because I have various blocks in my body (chakras) and because I am still holding onto something that no longer serves a purpose.

Your right though I DO need to slow right down, and revaluate where I am, rather looking at what is and has gone wrong but look at how far I have come etc. That would be linked to loving my self. As for my relationship with my OH its difficult, he is obsessed with money, has depression and certainly does not allow him self to let various things go. We can talk about sex, we can talk about sex toys, we have `watched porn together` We do not see this as a proble heck we are quite open about sex etc.

The chat we had the other day cleared a lot of things up as we both said the same things but from different angles, he said he felt he was inadequate, and he was questioning his performance, not just his `fathering potential` which in my eyes is hugely crucial as those two things are very heart based things

I was also saying the same thing, we have agreed to chat, and be honest more, we were both shocked at the end of the talk, but in a good way. I believed he did no tlike sex toys as he felt i was compensating, and turned out this was not the truth, Yes a lot of ground covered, but its just the beginning.

I feel I need to get into a healthy routine, finding a time where I can go and `play` build a relationship up with my body, so I can be `comfortable` in and out of bed with my partner. I am also aware I need to work on my breathing and the way I hold my self, when I am sexual, this dont help me one bit, and blocks the orgasm

For some one who is on a spiritual tantra path/journey, Breathing properly and feeling/thiking healthy is an imortant process. Yes I need to stop seeing all this as some kind of race, how can I (and others) possbly smell the roses when your going 100 miles per hour within your self ![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)

SF

14

Wow SF that's a whole lot of self examination! I think I'm lucky (if you call it that) in that my mother (who hated me from the moment she realised my step father preferred me to her and made very sure I knew it) died last year and my step father is dying now. It sounds harsh but it's been a huge relief.
I'm very very lucky to have the most wonderful husband in the world. I've literally put him through hell several times and yet he's always been there for me, even when he should have run for the hills. We have two gorgeous children and I'm determined to give them a better life than John and I had.
I've seen an amazing counsellor recently who has been such a help. His idea is that I need to live in the present. Sounds simple but in practice it isn't so easy. Basically it's about accepting what has happened in the past and drawing a line under it, but also not worrying about the future. I found that writing letters to my parents really helpful. I'd never told anyone else, not even my husband, exactly what happened to me, and somehow writing it down (and oh god it was difficult) helped me. Finally I could say what they had done and how badly it affected me. I read the letters out loud to the counsellor and cried harder than I ever have. I burnt my mother's letter and scattered it with her ashes, my step father's letter will go into his coffin when he dies. He'll never be punished for what he did, but he'll never escape it either. Could you do something similar? I have felt so much better since.
You say your partner has depression and is obsessed with money.. Is that due to debt problems or just feeling insecure about being able to provide for you? Has he had any treatment for his depression? It really sounds like you could both do with some help.
Please always remember that you have friends, even if some of them haven't known you long!!

15

:) thanks Glam

Yor right I do believe I am being over critical of my self and over analysing things, :) Writing things on forums etc make the situation look a lot bigger than it actualy is. Partner is much better with money than he was :)

But he is like me when it comes to cross examining things and getting worked up lol

16

I'm fine when I'm on my own but I've only ever orgasmed once with my partner. I think a big part of my problem is not being able to switch off-I'm far too busy focusing on what he's doing and whether or not he's enjoying himself. I think I'm too aware of how long I take and so I worry that he's getting bored. Another part of it is he's very inconsistent with the way he touches me. When he's good it's amazing but most of the time he'll change it up too much or just stop for no reason. I definitely need to talk about it with him but I'm pretty shy and not very good at asking for what I want, especially since I'm not always sure what I want yet. But I know it bothers him that I don't orgasm and I'm sure we'll only get better together

17

The overwhelming theme from everyone including myself and my wife is the need to turn off the switch that keeps us all trying too hard to make things happen and carrying our other thoughts / fears / anxieties into the bedroom. If I am over simplifying things, that is not my intention. As said above, my wife also had a really conservative upbringing and that coupled with the pressure that she felt has played a big part in our issues. As I stated before, it took us laying it all out on the table to finally get things "released". The tension is so much lighter and we have found ourselves just going with the flow. One of the biggest hang ups was anal play, both her and I (strap on play included) because of the stigma that comes with it. We are all taught at an early age that it is forbidden and gross. This is just one example of course, but talking that aspect out has helped her relax. My point is that it is all of these things that we bring with us that work to kill the mood / take up our thoughts during sex. Being open with each one is paramount. It is definitely not an overnight fix but it is definitely a start in the right direction

18

Communication is certainly the key, as is not being `in your head` all the time. Thats where I am Ughh at present.

19

I find that we have a lot in common in terms of life experiences and struggles.

I wasn't brought up here in Uk. I am not British. I was born in a country that church and faith rules it. No divorce, no contraception, no abortion. Sex is a taboo. We do not talk about it. Even now, friends that I have from my country, I feel embarassed to talk about sex.

My childhood was a mess. I was abused by my cousin since I was 5. It stopped when I was 8 or 9, that was when he tried to raped me but I scaped and jumped out of the first floor window. As a result of this I do not trust anybody including my family, relatives or friends. How could a family member to that to me, when he is supposed to be my cousin. If a cousin can do that to me, anybody can. So I grew up being a paranoid, alwasy have lock on my door. Even with making friends, I find it difficult, I always think that they have an agenda. It took me at least 2 years to trust my OH.

When I was 9, I was nearly raped by a sex maniac who earlier raped 2 young girls in my town. I was able to escaped it as well, I think my previous experienced helped me. But for the 2nd time around, I started to question myself especially when people in my town think its my fault. They said why I was wearing shorts, that makes a man do things. I was 9 years old for godsake! And its always 34 degress in my country, what do they expect me to wear?! But somehow, i believed them, so I ate as a coping mechanism then I got fat.

Mom worked abroad since I was 6, so I do not have a mother figure. My parents has a messy separation when I was 8. People in my country doenst believe in divorse, its a sin, its frowned upon. They do not have sympathy especially on the kids. They believe I was going to grow up a criminal or something. I started to believe what other people thinks. I never want anybody to bully me, so I have a persona, I was tough at school. But I never like highschool, I felt I don't fit in.

Growing up.. I was not told by my parents that they love me. My dad who was badly hurt because of the separation and who i stayed with when I was growing up, mentally abused me. Swore at me, ridiculed me and there was 2 occasion where he physically hurt me. I was locked in a room for 2 days. My mom who was abroad, never call me. When I call her she is angry because she thinks all I want was money. But really what I wanted is just a mom.

As a result of all this I became a very angry kid. I was a rebel. I run away but somehow I still managed to be a good girl and never got myself into trouble. Really in my life, I just want peace, contentment and hapiness.

When I was growing, even until now but not so much, I was angry, jumpy, I think I have depression. I know before I have panic attack and I was a nervous wreck. But I am etting better.

BUT.... despite of all these.. I managed to love myself because who else is going to love me better but me. And I am getting better in to doing this. And hope, I am full of hope.I am not religious, I am more spritual and I'm in to crystal healing and guardian angel. Who knows if they are true, but i believe in them. They are helping me to cope.

Like you, I also think and analyse a lot. I talk in my head more than I talk sometimes. Sex is something I find difficult at first because of my previous experience. I am somewhat resilient. I learnt to let go.... My past already done a lot of damage but its now a past. Now its my decision, entirely mine, to make myself happy. So when I have sex, I focus on what is happening that moment. I put myself in the zone and I don't think of nothing else but sex or making love. Thats when I started to enjoy it.

Why don't both of you just take it easy. Communication is good but do not over analyse things. Starts with compliments.. "oh babe i like it when you kiss me like that way, its make my pu*** juice flowing". Encourage him to do things that he is good at by complimenting him. Show him that he is worthy "Babe I can't wait to get in to bed with you..". When he does something that you like, tell him. Don't talk too much on things he can't do. Dont tell him to be in charge, tell him he is in charge, make him feel like a real man.

Both of you have issues with self worth and self confidence. You need to realise that you are worthy of happiness, just give it to yourself, you do deserve it.

20

I can not even begin to comrehend what it was like for you, and still is in some regards. Of course what we experience has an effect on us, certainly enotionally. I feel being told and not being shown that we are loved (unconditionally) creates a lot of trauma. Rape is an abuse of love and love being used as a weapon.

The church system and beliefs were very detrimenta to me, as it goes against everything I personally feel and believe in. My parents knew this and so I was `corrected` Not good. Not nice to be costantly questioning your self on practically every level, because you have been brought up a certain way that clashes.

This is not me feeling sorry for my self, though I am working at letting go of the `victim` here. My parner and I certainly need to liven things up, Communication is being worked on ![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)