Kinky People with Vanilla Partners

This is something I’ve been having a hard time with. I am more adventurous when it comes to sex but my husband is very vanilla. He will try new positions but is SCARED of toys. He always says “why do we need toys I just want to play with you.” :expressionless:

I feel like for me sex is playful and fun and for him maybe it’s just about the orgasm. I can never get a straight answer from him.

I haven’t been able to find other women who are like me and are more adventurous who are with men who are not. I need advice on how I can help him understand or feel more comfortable with it. Or do I need to lower my expectations? Also I’ve been feeling alone in this and could just use some support knowing I’m not the only one. I feel like usually it’s the other way around.

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Yes @drippingwet you’re really not alone. With all my partners except one I’ve been the more adventurous one.

Also one was the same regarding sex toys.

I respected his wishes not to bring any toys into our playtime and used toys for my solo play. He knew I had them and used them…but didn’t want us to use them together.

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I think that also makes it a little harder to, we don’t have solo play. Never in our 7 years of being married we’ve never done solo play, we satisfy each other. I don’t know but I have a feeling he’d be hurt if I told him I wanted solo play with toys. I don’t want him to feel like I’m “replacing” him.

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When I got with hubby I was very vanilla (due to very abusive mentally and physically past relationships) I never masturbated due to it, but we had a very long heart to heart talk, I told him literally everything. He taught me that it’s perfectly natural to masturbate, sex is more than just sex. Skip to now, well I’ve got so many toy’s and lingerie I’m running out of room :joy: we really enjoy BDSM and so much more :smirk: and can safely say that I’m no longer vanilla in the bedroom

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@Dirty-Wife thanks for sharing that. I love reading your posts and I would have never guessed about your past. Maybe giving him time and having a sit down discussion about would help. We talk about it here and there mostly after sex. Maybe actually sitting down and dedicating time to talk about it would be helpful.

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My OH is the same @drippingwet . She calls it “normal sex” when no toys are used. I purchased some LH toys for a weekend away and since that weekend they have gone missing :thinking:

I know she doesn’t use them solo and doesn’t care for them in the bed. She embraced it when I got them but since then has been prudish. I guess “normal” sex is better than “zero sex”…lol. I think she is hiding them from the kids prying eyes and hands… at least I hope that is the case.

What do you do? I need to find them and continue to reintroduce them I think. If she isn’t going to put them in herself, maybe I will use them on me solo. And i think to your point of “no solo play”, it’s the best way to find out what you like and what you want done to you. Plus, a girl just needs a release sometimes.

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Just take your time and plenty of communication :slightly_smiling_face:
I felt embarrassed at first masturbating near him or in front him, but he finds it a turn on and that’s given me so much confidence and that there is nothing to embarrassed about

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I hope you find those toys again. :face_with_hand_over_mouth:
I’m trying not to come at him and pressure him into doing something he’s not comfortable with. I also want to show him there is so much more than PiV and oral. Things that feel good not for just me but for him. I also would like him to explore solo time for himself for those same reasons.

Totally not something to be embarrassed about! He did grow up being told masturbating was bad and I think we have some rethinking to do.

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When we are having sex, I will lay back and she will put her arm over my chest facing my feet and start oral so I can play with her nipples. Sometimes she will grab the lube bottle, pour it down my dick and over her chest and start rubbing the head of my cock on her nipples while I play with them. She will grab my hand and try to get me to masturbate myself. When I do, she sits back and LOVES to watch… it does feel strange to do it for too long but she does like it i think - she never says anything but it happens almost everytime so I think she likes the view.

Try it and see what he does. No toy needed… ease into it.

Does he allow anal rimming of himself by you? Move from regular oral on him to fingering or licking his hole… Maybe grab a vibrating butt plug from the LH Store and use it on yourself while he is in you and see what he says… then try it on him… I guarantee it will take his breath away…

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That’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll try that. Thanks for the visuals… :laughing:

Oh man he has a no but touching policy unfortunately. However he has been really into touching mine. Maybe once I get him more comfortable with toys we can introduce anal play for him.

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Enough lube and some vibes on there and you will change his mind.

I’m not a toy guy like some of these pros on here but I think I would go through the roof if a tongue ever entered my hole. I doubt that I would ever want that moment to stop! Can you not go from oral to a wandering tongue further down? I bet he wouldn’t push you away…

Pick up some bondage straps and be a little dominant. I wouldn’t be surprised if he came back for more…

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Yeah…mine was the same…no touching his butt crevice either or going near it…

Some people like certain things…others not.
Some will try…others not.

Good luck

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Maybe I’ll try it but I doubt he’d feel comfortable with it. The worst he could say is no and we’d move on I guess. I do have some cuffs and a blind fold. I have been wanting to dominate him for awhile but I want to make sure he is comfortable with it first.

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I think definitely have a chat with him, and maybe sit down and have a browse through the LH site.

Until about a year or so ago we were both quite vanilla. Enjoyed it, but was basic. She had purchased rather a large Rabbit and think it almost scared her :laughing:

So started again with a basic vibrator and built up playing and experimenting with that. Is safe to say that have both enjoyed it as it has been an exploration we’ve done together.

There’s still things that each aren’t keen on, but rather than force that we find what we do like. And quite often it’s me surprising with a new toy, but on the odd occasion it’s her surprising (like suggesting under mattress restraints set).

We both use the same LH log in so can add things to a wish list. Some may remain fantasy, but it also gives an idea of what interests each other.

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Hi @drippingwet very interesting thread you have going here. From a man’s perspective I think there is nothing sexier than a woman introducing toys into the bedroom :relaxed: and watching a woman use a toy.
However something clearly bothers your hubby for him to not want you to spice things a little and I agree with @MrandMrs21 to start things slowly. Treat yourselves to a basic vibe that’s not to scary looking for him (if you don’t already own one) and surprise him by going off for a little self indulgence alone then invite him into the bedroom whilst using it and the view he finds may just change his mind, tell him you have been fantasing over him and that you want him sooo bad and see how he reacts. He may suprise you, hope you can convince him, good luck :crossed_fingers:

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I don’t consider myself to be very kinky or adventurous, but I’m just really horny all the time, and I’m trying to help my husband keep up :laughing: He was really wary of getting sex toys because he felt like the toys for me would replace him and that something like a fleshlight would be too weird to stick his dick into.

It helped to browse the LH site together. I’d look beforehand on my own so I could show him the things I was interested in and the things I thought he might like. When I was reading reviews, I’d read some out loud to him if they described what I was wanting or something I thought he’d like. His first toy was a simple cock ring, and at first he was like, “What? Put that around my dick? No way.” But now he has cock rings with ball stretchers, fleshlights, and is up for trying out some other new types of toys. He also now loves when I use my toys on him, so I almost always use one of my vibrators or wands on him during oral. Do you have some toys already? If you manage to get a small toy to start with like a bullet or clit vibe (he might be more ok with a small vibrator rather than whipping out a huge dildo), definitely use it on him during foreplay and when you go down on him to show that you can use the toys together during sex, not to replace your sexy time together :+1:

Also, if he knows you’re on the forum, tell him about some of the things people on here are getting up to that you’d want to try. Rather than “I really want to do [some kinky thing],” it’s a little easier to say “Oh someone on the forum did [some kinky thing], that sounds like fun, we should try something like that.:ok_hand:

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Nah never lower your expectations, it’s time to think creatively around it and see how you can show him just how much more fun it can be including toys into your sex routine :slightly_smiling_face:

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@PKH I was hoping you would respond. I know you have mentioned your OH needing to keep up with you. :laughing: Thanks for your advice.

I recently bought a rabbit, a cock ring that also goes around his balls. and some wrist restraints and a blind fold. He was skeptical about the rabbit but likes to use it on me now. He have used a cock ring before but not one that goes around his balls and he says he’s scared of it. He has tied me up before but has not shown interest in using the restraints and blind fold I got.

I found a yes, no, maybe list of desires, turn-ons, and fantasies to try. I am wanting to go through it with him and see if there are things we are both interested in and maybe tick some of those things off.

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Yeah, I still need a lot of solo play because my drive is higher than his :sweat_smile: What did he think of the cock ring he used? My husband was scared of the one with the ball sleeve too, but now he loves it (this was his review of it). Good idea with the list (we’re going to do that soon with role-play ideas because he keeps shooting me down) :+1: You should check out the sexual happiness podcast if you haven’t already, there are episodes about different types of toys (vibrators, cock rings and other male toys, remote control toys, anal toys), about bondage and sexual fantasies, good talking points or you can let him overhear parts of episodes that have parts you want him to hear :ok_hand:

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