Laid it all Out There - Partial Regrets

[valbowski77]

So as many of you know, Mrs. Val and I have very different sex drives.

I could have sex 5-10 times per week and she could take it or leave it. Reality is that we have been having some form of sex one every 2 weeks, with a bit of an uptick in sex lately, but nothing close to a regular routine.

Yesterday I went for a physical and blood work. My doctor (female) started asking questions about our sex life: How often do you have sex? Do you have anal sex? Do you masturbate anally? Does it hurt to ejaculate? Pretty intimate questions and I honestly couldn’t figure out why unless these were prostate concerns. I’m 46 and still don’t “qualify” for a physical prostate exam so they add PSA testing to my bloodwork. Regardless, I started thinking about the questions and my life and decided to talk to Mrs. Val about where I am at and how I was feeling last night.

I basically told her that she makes me feel unattractive, that I am only here for my job and to help raise the kids and that if she wasn’t physically attracted to me, just tell me…let me know if I can put away the anticipation and start expecting to be shut out 95% of the time. Also, if she is just existing in our relationship, I might as well stop going for physical exams, stop worrying about my weight, what I eat, what I drink and she could live the life she wants and I could stop caring about us.

I told her that I was ok with a sexless marriage if that what she wants. I said I could handle the lack of sex and that I still loved her and the kids and that if she doesn’t want to be with me sexually, I understand. I just can’t stand there like a dog at the pantry all the time and feel that she controls our sexual relationship, dolling out sex when she feels like it and when it best suits her. She got pretty mad and said that my feelings were coming from a dark place and started to worry about my intensions.

We laid there in the dark with alot of silence! I told her that I have done it all: Bought toys, bought lingerie, bought trips, didn’t buy anything, left her alone for weeks, did dishes, read bed time stories to the kids, you name it - done! And nothing really changes…it goes up for a bit and then dies off to depressing levels.

I have to say, thinking about how I came across was like a bit of a spoiled and pouty child. I said that I would hate to be me married to the exact same person as me and that we compliment each other. Regardless, I feel that i will now view sex as more of an apology or a “payment” as opposed to a real genuine reaction. It’s always felt that I initiated it…99% of the time… and that she enjoys it but really could care less.

As you have read in my posts previously, I am like every one of you - good days and bad but I seriously had enough of nothing…no sex is not for me and that I needed to know whether she was in or out. Sounded harsh but I told her that I would expect the same from her if I was coming across too strong or was making her feel alone and undesired. Well, that was what I did… I have had enough of one-sided sexual relationship after 24 years of marriage and laid it out there.

I have some work to do, I get that. Many on here are happy to poke holes in what they don’t know but the majority of you are supportive. I feel deflated and foolish but had to say something.

Wish me luck as this could go either way since I never really got any good answers other than throwing it all back on me. I got a little pissed off as she accused me of having a “thing” for our doctor… I told her that “maybe I should”… (that never helped). Currently we agreed to disagree but I left it with her to think about as I am almost done fighting, hoping and trying to get her to reciprocate some sort of genuine intimacy. I have had enough of the long days at the spa, dropping $1000’s of dollars on trips just to get her “in the mood” (almost like I need to take her to a parallel universe to get her to relax enough to enjoy herself). Her parents live in separate bedrooms and live separate lives in the same house. I told her that if that is what we will end up like, I want to know. I didn’t say I would leave, just wanted to know what our future held.

This discussion went on for a couple of hours.

Guess we will see where it leads…

[batjamboree]

Can I ask how she is when you have sex - is she more lay there and let you get on with it - or does she play ( oral /tease/ spanking / dirty talk)

She may not be in the same headspace as you

[TinyTom]

Tough situation and I hope the getting everything off your chest helped. It is never nice hearing certain things but sometimes they just need to be said.

As you may of seen from some of my posts from a few years ago I was in almost the same situation until I did exactly what you did. I am a very blunt person and I actually asked if my OH did not want sex and just the company would she be ok with me getting it elsewhere. This was kind of the tipping point as I initially received a smack around the face followed by tears and “I did not know it ment that much to you”.

Now do not get me wrong you can crack one out yourself for quite a period of time but there is just something so much more special when you are doing things and exploring each others bodies together.

But seriously best of luck I really hope you get things sorted and back in to a routine that keeps you both happy.

[valbowski77]

She agreed that she is not in the same headspace. She is adversely affected by stress, kids, the dog, her job, etc… just noise… she said she can’t shut it off.

She does a good job (pretending?) to like sex as she appears to love oral, doggy style and loves a good pounding from time to time. She does like to watch me masturbate and I feel that she truly enjoys taking my load on her - it has to make the receiver feel in control which is great.

But yes @batjamboree , she is passive and takes 100x more than she gives. She’s not a dress up and feel good about herself type of person. I accused her of being insulted by lingerie almost like I need to see her in it to be turned on - so far from the truth. Maybe she likes to be dominated and I need to take on that role, but if she hates it, I’m not doing anyone any favors. She never asks for sex, won’t let me try anything new and then wants to know where I learned stuff… it’s exhausting and I hope we can work through it as it has been enough.

I am thinking of simply shutting it off for awhile (with or without her consent) to get us reset. If and when she is ready, she can decide. I made it clear that I am not going anywhere but she needs to know her lack of interest in being physical hurts me and makes me feel like shit… fat, ugly, too tall, too short, too small of a dick, too big of a dick… I don’t know…talk to me about it. Give me something to work with!

I SHATTERED the ice last night and I am interested to see where this goes. It truly couldn’t get worse so fingers crossed…

[KinkyMira]

@valbowski77 I think you are brave for doing what you did and I admire you for it. I also think it may have been the right thing to do. It’s out there now, she knows. No hiding where you are. It’s out there.

The blaming you and taking aim at the enemy in her head (ie the doctor) is a fairly standard type response, but it may well just make her think, and at least be honest with you. In a way, the worst case is if she ignores it any pretends like you never said anything.

Good luck my friend, and I hope this is the catalyst for something good xx

[batjamboree]

Being in this situation is very frustrating as I was in the same situation 6 years ago my husband just went off sex and nothing would get his attention - I dressed up in slutty lingerie - wore a sexy maid costume and loads of toys and even tried to suck him off but nothing - however it was a medical issue and after a few visits he is now 100% back and horny as hell

Take time to talk - I feel she may need her own head space and time and I would ask you wait for her ( within reason )

In the meantime talk to us and enjoy your own pleasure- but please don’t seek sex elsewhere as this will be a final end

Take care - we love and care for you

[valbowski77]

Thanks @batjamboree … I’m not the cheating kind and your words are very precious. I have “enjoyed my own pleasure” way too much over the years… wish she shared it with me.

I will be patient and maybe something else will come out of this. I know I would be defensive if she did the same thing. However, I sort of drew a line in the sand and it’s her decision and time to come around. We have had various conversations like this over the years and she has never taken me serious of listened to my feelings. I’m not sure what snapped in me but the ball is in her court - she can decide and I am tired of just being the provider… I want a relationship that reciprocates and doesn’t feel entitled or that it’s some sort of bartering tool.

Let’s face it, you smacking your husbands ass brings you pleasure… and he takes it cause whether he likes it alot or not, he does it cause you like it. I’ve seen the pic…it’s a LOT! lol

However, our sex seems mechanical, scheduled and cold. There is no adventure, lust, passion…only a quick fuck and she’s off to the bathroom to clean up and off to sleep…no lingering at it, no “round 2”. Like “Good, got that out of the way…”

It sucks

[Sehara]

@valbowski77 i feel your pain, I’m fortunate in that when I laid out my feelings my OH did listen and things are improving.

I really do wish you and your wife the best of luck at the end you deserve to have your needs met. Sending hugs and love

[300]

So much emotion here. I feel for you @valbowski77 - you are clearly going through a tough time.

You obviously love your wife and want to get this sorted, so fair play to you for starting the conversation.

Please don’t stray unless you absolutely have to - as @batjamboree says, that might well be a final thing.

Truly hope that you can save the situation.

Please keep us posted and know that those of us who care will not judge you…

[batjamboree]

I can assure you he loves his spanking - but this used to be my thing - I would love going over his knee for a spanking but over years he loves it more and I enjoy the giving of the spank more

We are both very kinky and we have no inhibitions when it comes to love making and it’s fun.

I hope you can get your loving back on track soon

[Pappa-Smurf]

Maybe something has happened in your lives that has affected your wife more than you or maybe as you said KIDS, job, going shopping, cooking, washing and by the time bedtime comes maybe she is just glad to be in bed……… in no way shape or form is this a sexist comment about women doing dishes , cooking , putting kids to bed , shopping as both me and my wife do all these things of our own accord, as in there all jobs and they need to be done and just sort of do them anyway theres no i do this or you do that. But maybe it might be life in general and like i said when its bed time she is just happy to be next to you? Hope all works out for you both

[AK1970]

I wish you luck.

Scarily, this is almost exactly the same situation in which I find myself. And I also wonder if I’m being a pouty demanding man child. But I am only 53, not 93 (apologies to any near centenarians who are still active) with all systems still functioning… and am yet again sitting on my own in the dark, having been pushed away once more after a simple cuddle with no explanation other than ‘people our age don’t/shouldn’t be doing this’.

We only get intimate twice a year - my birthday and Christmas, so very much a begrudged chore or obligatory tick list thing. And this year’s birthday came and went with only a ‘this again?’ comment. As soon as she was asleep I went downstairs and seethed for a hour in the dark before she woke up, came looking for me and asked what the matter was. I said pretty much the same as you have - don’t want to lose our ability to be intimate while we still can but also prepared to ‘sort myself out’ without her if need be. After some vague promises to make an effort to at least consider a hand job - but also making it clear I was ‘funny’ for still wanting sex - she went back to bed and that was that.

A few days later she was unexpectedly offered a new job, which will need a lot of prep work over the summer before it starts in September so with her voluntary work and half term still to come I will support her transition as much as I can and not raise this again. Consequently I will wait until Christmas (although I was told today we’d be doing Christmas at her folks, so may not be until July at the earliest…) The wheel turns…

Have ordered some toys to get me through in the meantime. And feel guilty as hell for doing so.

[AJSTAR]

You was only expressing all that pent up emotion and thoughts you’ve been having for a long while so in ways it’s good you’ve now let it all out and she knows how you’ve been feeling regardless of how it might have come across
Fingers crossed she heard you and takes time to think on it too and decides to open up as well in the communication

[mrssaffa]

I think you did what you had to do. I hope that you’ve cleared the slate so to speak and can now build from the ground up and good things will happen. Good on you for speaking up for yourself - your happiness is just as important as hers.
All the power to you.

[Oldman]

I feel your pain my friend . Life can overload everyone and I was wondering if your wife might generally feel better if she could relax more by doing some of the things I do to relax . I have PTSD and general anxiety . I cut out most of my caffeine intake and cut back on salt along with subliminal meditation . I have used chamomile tea in the evenings . My poor wife is disabled and a chronic pain patient , along with the anti depressants that kill her desires . We talk about sex but really almost never even have intimate contact of any kind . She has suggested I get a fuck buddy , but I could never do that . I do get down every so often because at 65 I am still a horny and functioning fellow . The outlook for a sex life is very unlikely for us . LH forums are basically my only sexual discussion platform to exchange ideas and talk sex . Thank you LH and forum members . Best of luck on your effort to figure out how your life will go .

[PCC]

Thought I was reading something I’d written myself and looking in a similar mirror mate - I’ve not had the conversation that black and white but I can only ask does the word ‘menopause’ or ‘peri-menopausal’ come into the equation?
My wife is always exhausted no matter how much sleep she has, she falls asleep every evening around 10pm with clearly no concerns about the impact around the home or upon me and whilst she is very ‘in the moment’ when we get into it, it’s always me that initiates and whilst I’m never ever going to be pushy on the physical front I am getting so bored like you appear to be awaiting for her to even think about it, let alone suggest it herself.
I’ve been recording our activity dates for the last 18 months, only for my own sanity check, and to be honest the pen ink is starting to dry out as fast as my own interest levels despite, like you, always having participated and made the effort for equal parenting responsibilities (ironing, washing and packed lunch I now loathe more than ever!!!) especially since more recently our time has amounted to nothing much more than a monthly 5 minute quickie. Dull and unsatisfactory. Not that a relationship is a payment exchange obviously.
I am still trying to empathise and understand what amounts to peri-menopausal symptoms and my wife is seeking potential HRT support so I’m hoping this may help us but I’m not putting all our eggs in one basket here (hard boiled or otherwise!!!).
Is it worth looking at the situation from another perspective is my question? Is there an age and natural process playing a key role here that you may be overlooking?
Best of luck mate - you are not alone! (similar age too)

[TinyTom]

HRT Made and is still making a massive difference in my relationship. We went from like you a quickie once a month to usually 3 times a week if not more and sometimes multiple times a day which is awesome. Stick with it that little tube of Gel has really really helped and its almost like going back 20 years!

[arencook]

More concerned she threw it all back on you… If it was an open and honest conversation, presented in the correct way, her response is alarming. My wife and I are around your ages, we’ve had this discussion. Kids, work, stress, feeling out of shape, you name it. But there is no finger pointing. I say what it is that I miss or desire more of and she explains what I can do to help that occur. She has to be in the right mindset. I have also backed off and I am appreciative when she does something out of the norm. Naked pics, videos of herself masturbating, etc. It’s hard damn work, it takes a team. If you laid all of this out there for her, not in an accusatory way, and she flips it on you, I would be wary. If she’s not invested anymore I would start preparing and protecting myself. Good luck

[Lucas04]

Quite a few people with similar stories … myself included.

It may take some days for her to really digest what you said but, if there’s truly love in your relationship, keep the faith.

I tried everything I could think of to ‘get through’ to my wife about our intimacy issues … and what eventually worked was a bit of a mix.

Stay consistent. Don’t change your story, or add to it all the time. It can take a few times for someone to hear the message, especially if they feel attacked or they’re the heart of the issue.

Stay kind. You love her yes? How you feel is how YOU feel. Try to not be angry with her. She’s just bumbling through the world like we all are. I’m sure she doesn’t want to hurt you intentionally.

Stay calm. Being able to speak while remaining soft and perhaps even warm will have a far greater impact. She’ll be able to hear you better if she doesn’t also feel intimidated.

Stay on YOU. It’s not about how she feels. It’s about how YOU feel. Don’t blame. Just try to express how you feel, and what is important to you.

My wife always felt a weight of expectation in regards to sex, mainly due to how I communicated to her … instead of talking about what I wanted etc, I spoke about what I wasn’t getting. Make sense?

It was really hard taking that first big step. Don’t be shy about apologising for making her feel bad. It’ll show you care. I doubt she’ll change through demands … requests work much better.

Good luck!!

[Ajp]

in same boat exactly