I got into bed naked waiting for my husband to come through as we usually go to bed around the same time. He seemed to be taking a long time to come through to bed so I went to see where he was. I caught him masturbating to woman on woman porn. I was very upset he would do this in our living room where the kids could walk in, when I was right in the next room waiting for him. I was also upset because he's always said he's not into that sort of thing and we have been together for 10 years! He's been lying all this time.
I suppose my questions are "should I be upset" and "why would he watch porn when I'm in the next room?" He had the real deal waiting for him. He always tells me I have the perfect body(I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sexy but I'm not perfect. I think it's the flat chest that puts him off but he won't admit it) he says he didn't realise I was waiting for him but even If I wasn't you don't watch porn while your wife is in the next room! Just go get her ffs!! Please help 😁
I think you should have a serious and deep conversation with him.The situation is really frustrating,but maybe he didn't realise that you were waiting for him naked and ready.And for some people porn furfills their need to lose themselves in a fantasy that probably will never happen in real life,that's why I believe that porn isn't a ''replacement'' for real sex.I love having sex with my boyfriend,but I still enjoy a solo session with some girl on girl action.
My main point was- talk.Try to convince him to open up to you and tell you about his fantasies,so you can somehow incorporate them into your sex life,if possible.If not the girl on girl,maybe he has others,that you can furfill and he can do the same for you.Communication is key.
Porn helps get things over and done with very quickly. As a married woman I don't find it an issue if my husband wanted to watch porn, although I don't think he does, I wouldn't mind if he did. He probably didn't think that you would be in the mood, and obviously didn't know you were naked. If he did know you were naked I can pretty much guarantee he wouldn't have been watching porn.
Only he can give you the right answers you want to hear, so I think you should discuss this with him and find out his intentions. But from my point of view it sounds pretty harmless, it's easy to blame yourself but it's honestly not why men watch porn! They just want to watch the action.
I honestly feel if you're happy with your partner you don't need to watch other people. But to be honest that's not even the real issue. It's very disrespectful to do it whilst your partner is in the next room whether they're waiting for you or not and he's been lying about what he's into. I do t understand why he feels the need to lie. I've never made a big deal about anything. For example: When all the boys want to go to strip clubs, I'm the wife that tells all the other women to let them go because it's harmless fun. He goes where ever and does does what ever he pleases but this has shown a complete lack of respect for me
I'm asking the opinion of strangers because he won't talk about it.
I'm a 32aa as well and it ain't pretty! They've shrunk since I had kids. My husband is a bum man too but he wasn't watching 2 big tittied women fucking each other for no reason!
I completely understand how you're feeling, an ex fiance of mine knew i despised porn and swore to me apart from one, young teenage episode where he watched it just to see what it was like, it was something he never did as he hated it. 3 years on, come to find out he had actually had a borderline obsession with female on female porn and he'd completely lied to me. It is betrayal, to some it isn't a big deal, but to me, it was a lie he'd kept up our entire relationship, and i couldn't even begin to consider lying to him, the guilt for one would have eaten me alive if i had lied to or kept a secret from a partner. It was one of several reasons i completly fell out of love with him, partly through complete lack of trust which he destroded in many ways with constant and significant lies, and It ultimately lead to the demise of our relationship. I tried to talk to him so many times, all i ever got was "i don't know" as an answer to everything, why he lied, how he could lie to me while telling me he loved me, how it was possible he felt no guilt, especially as at multiple points in the relationship, especially early on i'd given him a get out of jail free card to admit to anything he ever told me that was a lie and i promised complete forgiveness, every time was met with "I've never lied to you". I really hope your husband has better answers for you, in my own expereince lies have always been a relationships undoing, be it romantic or a friendship.
You're going to have to make him talk about it if it affects you so much.
Personally, I think if you find it disrespectful, then it shouldn't make a difference if you're in the next room or not. I don't really think your physical location really matters that much. Porn either offends you or it doesn't.
Strangers can't tell you why he was watching porn, why he was lying about what he likes, or if he finds you attractive or not. I really don't think it's a big issue what type of porn he was watching.
The only way through this is to talk to him, or you're always going to be pissed off with him about it.
I think porn is fine if it's a substitute for a single person or if your partner is not around but not when your partner is there. I think your physical location is very relevant.
It's nice to hear that somebody else understands how the lying feels. My husband does lie about a lot of things and I do get the "I don't know" response a lot. It drives me mad. I don't like to ask the opinion of others when it comes to our relationship but I really feel a bit stuck with this. I really struggle to get the image out of my head.
Any male opinions please?
I'm male and personally I'd have no problem with a partner (also male) watching porn whether i'm there or not. I wouldn't expect to be the sole fulfiller of another human beings needs, especially if that thing is something that I couldn't fulfill (for instance, if the guy was also into women or into a kink that i'm not or such.)
I think you have to work out what it is about the porn to dislike and not just pin it on 'porn.' You say that you can't understand why someone would want porn and a wank over the option to have partnered sex, and to me one of the reason is that partnered sex can use a lot of time and energy when someone might want to just have a quick orgasm or some self attention. To me it would be like having to have a full meal when you might only want a banana.
Lies however are a different matter. If your partner has been serially decieving you then that needs a discussion.
Thank you
I just asked the OH about this. He has two things to say. 1. More men like little breasts than big, as long as they're not bags of skin most men will love them and you should worry about them. 2. Performance anxiety. He thinks he was trying to rare himself up ready to please you. Willy's don't always work when you want them to and if you want sex but your little man doesn't you can use porn to get aroused
He also says that it may be girl on girl porn because if you have performance anxiety you're not gonna watch a man cause it'll make you feel worse.
If he didn't like how you are you wouldn't be together after 10 years. Just because he had clicked on one thing doesn't mean he can't like another too. Presumably he is not a lesbian! I bet he was embarrassed to be caught. Most of the time porn is just because his sex drive is higher (or he thinks it is) and he thinks you would not be in the mood.
If you want him to talk about it make it a fun kinky game rather than a blame and recrimination. Pity is wasn't someone being spanked - you could have punished him and turned him on simultaneously !
Thanks guys. All the advice is very much appreciated.
After ten years he may have got into the routine that you go to bed before him and so watching porn is something of a substitute.
It's hard to say without more information, but most people would not watch porn if their partner was waiting for sex.
Yes you can say he should come through and find you, but he may feel that's being something of a sex pest.
For example the wife went to bed about 30 minutes ago, I'm feeling horny, but I know she will be asleep and has an earlier start than me tomorrow. To go in and just say fancy a fuck (and if he has a high libido he may want that every night) may feel to him that it would be wrong to pester you every night for sex, when you just want to sleep.
I know the easy answer is to slate him, but behaviours come about over more than one occasion, why would he lie and say he is not into it? Well maybe he beleives that saying he is into it would get a negative reaction.
What if he did say he was into porn, would that have been welcomed or rejected?
Yes he should be honest with you no doubt and the wife knows that I enjoy porn, but also she is comfortable with that so it's easy for me to let her know that.
He seems to have a low sex drive but I've found before that he's messaged an old female friend saying that he wished he had more sex... Again he had no explanation for this other than "it was just something I said".
He rarely asks me for sex and I never turn him down so that wouldn't be the case.
I didn't want to go into too much detail and start boring everyone but I suppose it's all relevant.
It might just be that he didn't want to see another guys junk, some men are like that, it's a big turn off for them seeing another guy.
You say he rarely askes you for sex, but he had said he wants more sex, maybe he just doesn't like initiating sex.
Lnrn86 wrote:
He seems to have a low sex drive but I've found before that he's messaged an old female friend saying that he wished he had more sex... Again he had no explanation for this other than "it was just something I said".
He rarely asks me for sex and I never turn him down so that wouldn't be the case.
I didn't want to go into too much detail and start boring everyone but I suppose it's all relevant.
What makes you think he has a low sex drive? Do you initiate sex much? It may be that he has a "normal" or high sex drive, but may be unsure or shy about initiating. Personally, I sometimes struggle to convey my desires to my OH for fear of coming across as a "typical guy" who wants sex all the time. Reason being the message you hear so often is that women dislike sex, it's something to put up with to "keep him happy". Now while I know this is not a true fact for 100% of people, it's something that still plays on my mind every time I try to initiaite.