Masturbation councelling

Sex Tips & Talk
21

I'm really sorry that the session ended up like this, but maybe things have been left unaired and allowed to fester. Maybe you both need to see how much each other's hurting before things get better. Perhaps her attacks are her way of 'defending' herself, however poorly.

At some point I think you both need to sit down with your counsellor and ask where your relationship is going, what you want the end result to be. If you have the same aims and if you should stay together. Don't allow other's people's opinions of you as a couple affect what you both need. If you decide to split up, and this is not a certainty by any means, then you must do what's right for you. You aren't responsible for other people's lives, all you can do is live your life the best way you can and if you can help other people along the way, even better.

I hope you manage to find a way through this and that you and your OH come to a happy resolution. All the best.

22

I don't mean this flippantly but don't let your pride get in the way. I've known couples in the past who are admired by others but MrX has a massive gambling problem Mrs Y is a functioning alcoholic and they never speak to each other. But on public they fall over each other etc etc.

Remember that what YOU think and feel matters. A lot. Your wife is entitled to her opinions but that doesn't mean you need to cower down, accept the status quo and be apologectic for wanting sex or being desired.

Perhaps this might be a chance for some real honest communication. It may make you or break you but if you are honest to yourself and others ultimately you'll feel happier. If you do split up you'll soon know who your friends are.

23

I think you should go and talk to a brain doctor. and dont get me wrong i dont mean it in a bad way.

Perhaps your brain is inflammated or for what ever reason it might be, it is sending the signals to your genitals to be erected most of the time. Worth of checking up. This can happen sometimes that brain sends some signals and overdoses something. let it be checked as i get it its rather serious.

For myself, the ,more I mastrubate, the more hornier i get, sometimes i can go without for days though..

Perhaps you should try modality called access conciousness and running the bars - Check it up on google.

All the best

Marion.

xx x x

24

Hi all,

I have been desperate to post a reply since last night but have had a very long day at work. Just got in. Last night my worst dream came true but it lead to a sort of happy ending although mixed messages for me.

Considering the day we had I was masturbating down stairs and I had dug out the lube and my cock (can I use that word?) was smothered and I was about to pop. The lube certainly was working because I was getting a lot of pleasure and it was much harder than usual. Then I heard the word I dreaded and thought my worst nightmare was happening. The word was "dad", then "where are you" from the top of the stairs. Panic struck me, my hand covered in lube as well as my very hard and throbbing penis (luckily no porn was out). I shouted "go back to bed, now", and thank goodness my son was still at the top of the stairs as he turned in his tracks. He did not see anything and following this near miss I covered up, sorted myself out and went to see him with a drink. A very lucky escape.

Still shocked I went in to my own bedroom and locked the door behind me. My oh what there and saw what had happened. I said is it ok to finish off and began to rub myself in front of her to bring back my erection. Now this is where something strange happened. I was sitting masturbating when she came over and tied a scarf over my eyes and told me to sit on my hands. She started sucking and working my lubed penis with her hand. Then something even stranger happen. She said I have the count of ten to cum or she was stopping and she actually started to count down slowly. After 10 she stopped and smacked my penis with loud "thwack" and said you didn't cum so you get that! Now we will try again. This when on for about half an hour with her counting down, stopping, and then smacking the shaft. I found this really erotic and eventually I had probably one of the most intense orgasms that she could have caused. My penis isn't that big normally but last night it looked like it belonged to someone else. Harder and longer than normal and silky smooth after the use of the lube. I was actually quite impressed even if I do say so myself and really aroused after what she did. The lube meant that I was getting no pain from the scars at all and with the intesity I was feeling I was in heaven.

Afterward she just said to get cleaned up and go to sleep, as I would have a long day tomorrow. I haven't spoken to her since because of work.

I have gone into so much detail not to show off ( but hey - look at us!!) but because this is a serious mind game for me and I wonder if i let my guard down by becoming submissive like this. We had such a poor day with the comments and the arguments and then that, something that had never happened before when we were at such a low ebb. I need to find out where that came from and why. Was it a demonstration that she knows what to do but chooses not to or a sign of things to come. Was it a demonstration of how she really has the contol in the relationship and maybe I have let myself become vunerable? Today I have had no uncontrollable erections because I was well and truly satisfied and although I did get get hard once or twice day dreaming about what she did there was nothing I could not control. I am hard again now typing this out because to me it reads like an erotic story that only happens to other people. My wife is asleep and I will masturbate soon but thinking about what she did to me rather than using porn.

Although on the serious side the trigger for the incident has also made me more determined to stop masturbating because I absolutely cannot be caught doing it by my children and as they get older they will be awake later. But I don't know what to do next. Nothing tonight but I would be desperate to have such a session again even if it has revealed a kinky side (but nothing harmful was done). If this is just a game to her never to be repeated I think I will be heartbroken.


Laveila - when you ask about when it started do you mean the deterioration of the relationship or the masturbation. I remember the start of the masturbation vividly and this is why I am determined to be a better role model for my family. When I was between 8 or 9 I was regularly home alone and found a whole case of some seriously hardcore porn. The sort of stuff that would make anyone blush even the toughest sailor. I remember laying it on the floor and looking in a full length mirror while masturbating uncontrollably. This went on for years. This turns me to tears because no one of that age should be exposed to that and now some 30 years later I do not remember many days where I haven't turned to porn or masturbation. Some sessions with a counselor a year ago helped me recall this part of my childhood because it was deeply buried in my mind and I never had a father son relationship where we could discuss my sexual feelings.

This is my main motivation to stop really because I will be a good role model for the kids and I want them to be brought up in a healthy relationship where we can discuss anything.

I really hope you don't mind this much typing but it is helping get it clear in my head. I am anonymous on here aren't I? (the sign of a noob!!)

25

Thats really good to hear!

There is a thread on hear about sex after children where parents have discussed how they manage to have sex without affecting the kids. It's interesting as there are lots of different approaches. We almost always do it downstairs and there is a staircase to stop them coming downstairs at the moment. I'm sure one day we'll have to put a lock on our bedroom door though as the kids just wander in and out of room. We'll have to start learning about knocking soon!

Anyway I digress, it's good to hear that it worked for you. I got the impression you were weak for being submissive? I wouldn't see it that way but think of it as a way to relax, allow her to take control of your orgasm and it's good because she was engaging in this without you prompting her.

Made me wonder if she's been doing her own research or talking to friends?

26

You should tell her this, it's what she has been asking you to do and she has just found out how to get it, she should know.

Lozza332000 wrote:

Today I have had no uncontrollable erections because I was well and truly satisfied and although I did get get hard once or twice day dreaming about what she did there was nothing I could not control

27

Lozza: good you used the lube, its really necessary when you are cut or you are in bit of danger hurting yourself. Lube stops the friction of the hand. So dont be afraid to use it and even tell your wife to use it if she gives you handjob again.

But I think the fact she touched you may be a good sign that there is hope to improve the relations between you. Hopefully. I think it may be worth trying to really explain to her that you want to cut down this addiction, but you cannot stop it in 1 day. To give an example, if you used to masturbate 5-6 times a day, cutting it down to 4 will be a progress. I think it is important to remember this, that small steps are also progress which may lead to the desired effect, although over some time.

As for finding the porn, not sure how this could trigle this. I found a book when about 12 and it never lead to any problems. And maybe one even before then. It may be just another underlaying issue.

28

Hi all

I didn't think I was keen to be submissive but it was good not to be in charge or control. We still have not spoken since the incident because everyone else got up this morning and went out to let me have a sleep in.

While typing my post last night it made me very excited. Just thinking about it made me masturbate while re-reading it, my point being that there was no porn needed and my oh was fast asleep so I didn't want to disturb her. I will take ChoccyHobNob's advice and tell her about this and throw caution to the wind when it comes to making myself vulnerable. I will wait however until we are in our next counseling session.

Hopefully if she agrees it will actually be a big incentive not to masturbate alone so often. I am thinking that leaving my penis alone will help restore some sensitivity and make orgasms more intense during "real" sex. If I get an erection and leave it alone knowing a better thing is coming at bed time then it must be worth it.

Laveila your advice has been really helpful. We do have lots of lube but when you are having a sneaky session it is easy to slip in the habit and not get it out. I notice my OH has left a bottle of KY liquid (my favorite) in the draw in the downstairs toilet. Maybe thats a clue I have missed!! I have also read that the lube will help soften the scars so this can only be a good thing. I did think there was some sort of "skin care" lube but I cannot find it on LH right now. Do you guys know of one?

My course of action now is to lie low for a few days. Give her a few back massages and not ask for sex. I hope she might take the lead again but if not then I will bring it up in the counseling session. We have enough LH points (actually from buying lube and even a cock ring and vibrating toys!) which I want to suggest we use to get some wrist restraints. I think this idea needs to be left on the shelf until we know where we are going but being blindfold, and restrained does seem to be a big turn on for me right now and something that does not seem impossible to ask for.

29

I think a bottle of lube in the downstairs loo is a message. Something along the lines of "If you must do it, do it in here instead of on the sofa or sitting on the roof"!

Any lube with aloe will be kind to your skin but for a specific problem like scarring you might want to try some bio-oil (all good chemists or Amazon) it's specifically for scars and stretchmarks, helps blend them in and soften them. Expensive but worth it.

You two are a partership, you said she's been withholding sex. If I were you I'd tell her that this "problem" isn't going to go away if she doesn't help.

30

Re-reading all of your posts in this thread, I notice there are recurring themes of guilt, shame, low self-esteem and stress (I'm guessing the stress is mostly caused by the other emotions).

Your OH telling you her fantasy is to cuckold you, she hasn't been keen on sex since you met and her admitting that she has been withholding sex from you cannot be helping you with those problems.

I think if I were in the same situation I would have the same feelings, though they would probably manifest in a different way.

Her themes from your comments are that she finds the masturbation (and therefore you) disgusting, and lacking in intimacy. This may go a long way to explaining the withholding of sex and the desire to try another man.

I think the lack of uncontrollable erections yesterday was not so much a sign of you being satisfied but more a sign that you actually felt good about yourself for a change ("but hey - look at us!!") I can almost see the grin! The masturbation last night while rereading what you'd written was just 'normal' masturbation, reliving some great sexual experience and getting horny as a result.

Her desire to cuckold, the way she blind folded and made you restrain your hands, asking how you feel about restraints, the pleasure/punishment cycle she took you through; these things all suggest she is a dominant personality, or at least wants to explore that side of herself.

You seem very open to the idea, it gave you great pleasure, the idea turned you on and you said the idea of restraints was more to your liking, you're now even considering getting some wrist restraints. This suggests you are a submissive personality, or at least like the idea enough to experiment with it.

Sounds like a potential match made in heaven to me! The vital ingredient missing is communication.

I think you two need to talk, openly and frankly about this. Let her know that what she did last night was so good it stopped you from masturbating all day. Tell her you liked it and want to let her explore her dominant side. Explain that you cannot be expected to not pleasure yourself if no one else is going to do it for you.

Taking all this one step further; have you considered male chastity devices at all? She could lock you into it in the morning and would know you couldn't pleasure yourself at all for the day. In return for being a good boy all day she could agree to 'release' you in the evening, in any manner she chooses.

31

Hi ChoccyHobNob, yes I think you are very accurate over everything you say.

Her being dominant is certainly un-usual but yes I am very open to the idea it that situation and I do like the thought that someone else is in control. I think it for me it means she can get the pleasure she want's out of the situation and this means a lot to me. One thing I didn't mention (and I am getting hard again typing this) is that at one point she said for me to stay there while she mounted me. She was in control as she went up and down. Because she knew I find it difficult to cum in her she just got herself off came and then dismounted.

The thought of being submissive watching her have sex with another man is too much though. There seems to be a fine line between being dominant and being degrading. Our session was in good fun and we both laughed and giggled during it. But she did notice that every smack make me harder which meant I was getting a lot out of the role I was playing.

I would happily wear restraints and be blindfolded as long as it didn't go any further. I would be horrified if she were to say take a photo or even pinch or smack hard so as to cause pain. God only knows what I would do if she left the room and this is why I am wary of being vunerable.

I also think the chastity devices would be too much for us where we are right now. Maybe I am just not that ready yet because this just nudges over the line for me to be degrading. This is bacuse the control is ok in the bedroom for a laugh but not throughout our daily life. Although I am sure in the right relationship this works.

I found a adjustable cock ring earlier (i did know we had it). so next time I might suggest she plays with that making it as tight as she thinks. It might be a step in the right direction before we start buy in restraints etc. I did use the ring while everyone was out and it certainly took me to another level along with the lube, Hopefully she will see it the same way.

I really appreciate the time you have all taken to share your thoughts with me.

32

Lozza youve had some fantastic advice here especially from Laveila and Choccyhobnob, big poppa and Incendiaire; and its taken guts for you to share these private problems with us all, hats off to you forbeing so honest and open.

It really shows thats what you needed is for her to join in more, you didnt have the need to masterbate after the fun you had, you were truly satisfied; this says it all.

But if she is to take the dominant lead you need to talk to run a through a few things through, like her not leaving the room, not to make you feel vulnerable and humiliated, your not ready for heavy BDSM yet thats so clear, your vunerability shows that; but its an amazing start.

You do need boundaries and maybe a safe word; she mustnt get carried away. Whats clear is you both need to talk together, Im not so sure about counselling but if its working for you do it. You need to be prepared for all eventualities so much comes out during counselling sessions.

I think sometimes its honesty and she needs to respect your feelings so much more I feel, you have been so honest with her and you so need to tell her how much you enjoyed what she did, maybe ask her what she would like to do to you 1st, and you can ad some extra ideas, almost till you have a plan; that way you can relax and enjoy your sessions without the worry of what she may do and will you like it?

That worry can embed in your mind and you cant relax into things very well, you have to completely trust your partner and know 100% they will not hurt you if you dont want to.

Communication is vital here and your already coming in leaps and bounds (pardon the pun).

I really hope everyones advice helps you out; you have many like-minded friends here and Lovehoney people always here to help if we can.

33

Lozza: maybe start slowly with you giving up control, it may not be as easy at it seems. Start maybe with just blindfold and maybe a scarf to tie your hands, so you can easily escape if you want to and a safe word. But I think you should first start with sorting the relationship with your wife and your own feeling. You could use the professional help to do this and then maybe give this a try. I think blindfold while she strokes you can be very mild start which is not degrading, but sharpens your other sences as your sight is out. It could be enough for now.

And I think that leaving the erection alone, thinking about what will happen with your partner is good way, but sometimes masturbation is not as bad, so you can do it sometimes, maybe when you are horny, not because of stress, but because you were thinking about your partner. And you need to release the sexual tension. In the meantime try other means of taking the stress out without masturbing. Find something relaxing.

I hope you find a way out of the addiction and enjoy the new found freedom.

34

Yes it is fairly obvious that degradation play is the last thing you need right now, you already feel bad enough about yourself without that!

Like I said you need to have a very frank and open discussion with her, be honest about your feelings, tell her how important it is to you that you pleasure her. Tell her what your limits are, no cuckolding, no degradation, no abandonment, no pain etc.

Make up a safeword, I personally go with the family guy approach, the safeword is 'banana' :-) Always causes a giggle, defuses the situation if things are getting too heavy and (unless you are playing with food) is unlikely to get used by mistake.

If chastity devices are too much maybe you could try mental chastity. If you get an erection and want to release it, phone her, tell her, ask if it's ok. If she says yes, go at it, if she says no, fight the urge. If she were to say "if you masturbate now, you're getting nothing tonight" I'd think it would have the desired effect.

All of this is just suggestion BTW, it's up to you and she to discuss it and see what works for you two. You may find that after a short time doing this you will rediscover the emotional closeness you used to have, it will have opened communication that wasn't there before and you might not feel the need to do it any more, it may be just a transitional phase that just adjusted the dynamic between you.

A couple of other thoughts…

If you find it hard to cum inside her now, you may find that changes if you are masturbating less and playing with her more. Her thoughts of having another man may also change if she's enjoying herself with you.

If you are going to experiment with cock rings, remember to limit the time you wear it to a maximum of 30 mins at a time. No wearing it all day unless it's quite loose. You don't want your dick dropping off!

Oh and scarves/belts make great makeshift restraints if there is nothing else handy ;-)

35

Thanks for all your messages and taking the time to post long and kind messages.

I was napping on the bed just now. Erection pointing at the ceiling. OH getting ready for a night out. She asked how she looked and I said my cock said it all. She leant over and smacked it and laughed as it grew even more!

Then she asked if i was playing with something earlier and I told her I was working out how the ring worked. I said I put it on my shaft and it slid off as I wanked because of the lube. Then I put it around my balls too and it worked a treat. She didn't seem off put at all. I asked about the restraints and she said it would be fun. I asked if she would wear them an she said she would love to be restrained.

So at least we are back in the same book. We still have a long way to go and I hope you won't mind me updating the thread with what happens. She has a girlfreind who knows my habbits so hopefully my oh will be able to discuss what has happened with her tonight. I seem to be finding comfort in telling you guys my feelings and exploits so I hope thats OK for now.

As my oh left she said i better leave my cock alone until she gets back....... I doubt iif that will be possible but I'll try....

36

It seems you two are getting bit more comfortable about each other, which is good. I hope it stays this way. As for your feelings, we are here to listen and give our advice when we can, so feel free to keep us updated. Sometimes it does help when you can talk to someone on the internet without knowing them, as you can be more open about your feelings, we will never know who you are in the real life.

I hope things turn up to be better for the two of you

37

Feel free to keep us posted . Its good to know how things are going with people.

38

I think ChoccyHobNob hit the nail on the head. I think your missus is aching to dominate you, and I think the thrill of her taking such an active role in your sex life would make you a very happy submissive indeed.

Have you ever thought of using a chastity device as a means of controlling your addiction? If your wife is already telling you when to touch yourself and when not to, this is a logical next step, but it gives her even more control. I'm not sure if you would enjoy it, but I get the feeling that not physically being able to touch yourself would give you some measure of mental relief (there would be no guilt and no shame), as well as knowing that your wife had the power to release you.

Just a suggestion, of course, but far from being incompatible, I think you and your wife have the potential to be a very happy, very sexually active, D/s couple. It's worth reading more about anyway!

39

Hi All.

I failed again on Saturday night. Spent 2 hours masturbating just to reach orgasm once.

I was fast asleep when my OH got home but she had a good chat about the situation with her girlfriends. Apparently we are an inspirational couple to be so open and honest within our relationship and she was advised to be pleased I could open up to her where many people would hide these details. Please forgive me for being cynical, but it really got my goat to hear them say that because even when we are having problems they say we still manage to do the right thing as a couple. Every now and then I want to do the wrong thing!!! But I should be grateful for the strong bonds we have in a group of friends who could have just made fun of the situation.

Woke up on Sunday about 8ish with an erection, I know that is probably normal but it stayed until about 10 am and I was desperate to get rid of it. I had to sort it out in the shower while my OH kept guard at the door.

In the afternoon we went and visited family and I fell asleep on the sun lounger at the end of the garden. I got a rude awaken because despite being asleep not only was I hard but it was sticking out of my shorts getting a nice tan. My OH spotted this from the barbecue and came running down the garden to wake me. Luckily no-one else saw (or at least they kept quiet if the did) but I got permission from my oh to go and have a nap in the spare bedroom before the food was served. So that was the second time yesterday i masturbated.

She offered to make me cum with no strings attached in the evening but I explained I was sore because of earlier and actually turned her down. What am I like!! I get what I want and then say no thanks. I can hear you all shouting at me.

Today I was out in my car with an erection and was stoking it, before I knew what I was doing it was out and I was rubbing away. But on this occassion I thought what the hell was I doing and put it away and headed home. I really need to get some self control because I really want to go out without getting erections that make me feel really horny.

40

Lozza,

You have received a lot of good advice from others so far and it looks like things are improving by themselves anyway.

I might repeat other members but hope you will get through your troubles gradually.

Do not even consider the option if you should stay with your wife. You should - it looks like you are a faithfull man, you have been together for a long time and let not sex or no sex drive you appart!

What I would suggest is that you be intimate more often. It starts with being kind towards each other - compliment her, bring some flowers when you go home, say how beautiful she looks and how much you missed her during the day, + that she's coocked a nice supper. Or even better - take her out to have supper (if you can leave your children with relative, don't know what your family situation is, how old they are , etc).

Then massages are a great way of making her feel good. Are you good at this? If not you can get some training. In fact you can both learn together by a coach, there are some free or very cheap sessions at times.

By the way, her fantasy to have sex with another in your presence may be well satisfied just by being massaged by another. She will probably never wish to have sex with another man for real, so don't be jealous and suspicious. If you get a massage therapist to massage her, just observe her reaction. She will probably just feel good as everyone does and you being present, may be just about enough for her to feel like her fantasy has materialised!

I know this as do massage people from time to time and see how women are so grateful to their husbands/partners for letting them have such a good massage, that is, that they trusted them to be touched by another man and the same time without going over any boundaries.

Your masturbation problem will take care as alongside issue, if just attempt to have a little control over yourself, the way you did the other day in the car. Try instead to spend time with your wife, do something together, like going for a walk, or massage training as suggested above, or playing tennis, or just about anything. Being open about your sex drives is good, but don't talk about sex only either.

Hope all is well with you!