There is much much more to this story but I have been in a relationship since I was 14, I am now 39. In short we don't get on any more but I have a high sex drive.
I find masturbation the way to releive stress and do this every day and cannot sleep without it. Sometimes I can masturbate 6 or 7 times a day and I don't like it. I feel the need to masturbate controls my life.
I feel dirty and my wife makes sure of this. She knows I use porn for stimulation and she knows what I do and when and rarley wants to join in. If she does it becomes a race and not a journey.
Where do people go to get help with these problems. I tried the local sexual health clinic and they advised they only treat infections etc. I spoke with NHS direct who did talk about the problem but advised a GP. I don't really think this is right an am embarrased to go over the story again. It's very difficult for me to discuss this with anyone.
First can I suggest that it would be a great idea to see your GP about being referred to some form of therapist via the NHS but if you're really against this you can contact Relate at www.relate.org.uk who are experienced in counselling and relationship therapy. I really think it would be the best place to go if you're against seeing your GP.
I think it's important to get to the bottom of the underlying issue - there are many ways sex drives can vary and change and if you feel your sex drive is higher than it used to be, there may be a reason for this! I'd advice you to speak to your doctor and try to identify anything in your life that has changed.
I think you mention a few issues that need dealing with.
The masturbation is obviously a problem if it concerns you and the poor relationship might be something you want to address. You say you don't get on but don't expand on this, perhaps that is the most important issue to address. I'll pop back on to this thread later when I've sorted some stuff but be aware people are reading and willing to offer advice.
Ad makes good suggests and I hope they are useful in the meantime.
Hey, welcome to LH Lozza :) We're all friendly people but we don't know your whole situation so forgive us if we get a bit confused!
I think the first thing is to chat to your wife about this. Either face to face or, if you can't manage that, try writing a letter. Communication is really important here. I have a feeling all your problems - lack of intimacy and high sex drive / masturbation could be explained by you saying you "don't get on any more". Something you might like to think hard about - the first step is admitting there is a problem. Couples therapy would probably work better here than anything else.
Your masturbation could be a result of you feeling unloved or unwanted, or it could be because masturbation and orgasm release endorphins and endogenous opiates - feel good chemicals. If you are feeling low then you may be getting a "rush" off them. Something that has occured to me is that your wife "makes sure" you feel dirty when you watch porn. This could be because she is feeling resentful - she may think you don't find her attractive enough and instead are more interested in other women. I don't understand quite what you mean about "race" - do you mean to climax? It sounds strange to me. Perhaps instead of using porn, you could ask her for photos, videos or even just to see her in underwear / pretty outfits.
There is no magic bullet, but I don't think that you have a large sexual problem. People have much higher sex drives. The fact that you "can't sleep" without it, or that you feel it controls you is more worrying, but I think that you are really masking pain with masturbation. Try looking for a really good relationships counsellor - they can really help. Often problems with intimacy in a relationship are down to other issues, so it would be worth exploring this. It would work best if you could get your wife along too. Seeing a GP would help as they could recommend you to a specialist if they believe you have a problem. You don't have to tell them everything about your relationship, just what you are most worried about.
Good luck and stay strong sweetie! Talking really helps, you've managed to on here which means you are on the way to feeling happier *hugs* Lxx
Thank you for all your kind replies. I'll try to elaborate but don't want to come across as some sort of moaning middle aged man. I also am aware that we are all very busy and don't want to waste anyone's time with dull dialaogue.
The comment "we don't get on" masks a lot. We argue all the time and do not see eye to eye over anything. This make the relationship very difficult and it upsets me when we argue in front of our children (although I must stress there has never been any violence in our relationship). One small example of many arguments could be my sons Xbox. He has many games and peer pressure mean he wants games over his age limit. Grand Theft Auto is a no go area we both agree on that. But one game is call of duty which has a massive online community of which many of his classmates participate (about 10 boys of a class of 30). I think it is important he has the game so he is not excluded from his friends but it is certificate 16 which is over his age limit. My wife says no and he should only play games rated upto about 12. This is just one example of pages of arguments I could give you as there really are lots and lots
The comment about the race is that sex between us is basically fast rubbing until orgasm, then roll over and go to sleep. The faster the better and if she masturbates me she rubs really hard with a "get on with it" expression on her face. In these cases I feel I am making her do something she does not want and I never want to be like that. I do like to spend time with her but she rejects advances so it not that I am just taking all the time. I can honestly say in our 25 relationship she has never approached me for any sexual contact.
When I have been rejected I will go down stairs to sort myself out and hence use porn to help. My wife may ocassionally follow later but when she walks in she will get cross and say something along the lines of "well dont expect me to help you out while you watch that". From that point on anything I say leads to an argument. I have apologised, turned it off and asked to spend time upstairs but whatever I say is on the path to an argument. I like to watch the clothed female type of porn so I don't think I am offending her with naked ladies and there is no suggestion I don't like her figure. I am not sure if anyone is familiar with this genre but the girls are usually happy and look like they are really enjoying themselves. This is the type of sex I would like as it is lighthearted and fun and does not need to reach climax everytime.
The masturbation is a problem and it does bring me to tears. A few weeks ago I missed my daughters birthday party because I faked a sore stomach. I don't think I need to say what I did instead. This is absolutly shocking behaviour to me and something I will never forgive myself for. This was the day I maturbated 6 times within about 3 hours. I made myself physically sore and bleeding and cannot get over it mentally. I cannot beleive that I stayed at home rather than going out and enjoying my daughters birthday party.
My fear of GP and councelling is because in everything there comes a point when you have to be honest and say enough is enough. To protect our family and our own sanity we should really both walk away from a relationship that has been far from perfect for many years. We got togther when we were 14/15 and stayed together ever since. I am 40 next year so the thought of looking for someone new or even being on my own is terrifying. This is another source of my dissapointment in life, only one sexual partner and we have never really fulfilled each other.
I guess another indication it is time to walk away is that she has gone to a major rock concert tonight and I am at home typing this.
I agree with the above posts as you have mentioned some underlying issues to your addiction to masturbating (I think it's ok to call it that >.<). The lack of affection and sexual satisfaction is probably the main cause of why you turn to masturbating.. and that comfort has now spiralled out of control.
I really think you need to talk to your partner about counselling- couples therapy counselling so that you both can help eachother. If not, then I think it is still important that you go to GP and ask for some sort of counselling or therapy.
As for you relationship- If you both really want to stick together I'd highly recommend getting through this obstacle together. If not, then you may want to invest some time alone to battle out this issue and carry on with your life without fear of it getting in the way- especially involving your children.
I really hope you can get through this and come out better and stronger. You sound like a very caring man and logical one at that. You can overcome this. =]
Since you turn to porn when she's not interested, it's probably more that she sees it as you implying she's not doing her 'job' (as in "I'm getting off, and if you won't help me, then it's your fault!"). She might also have an issue with porn in general, since many women do seem to see it as degrading and something only creepy perverts use. It could be worth trying to sit down with her at some point when she hasn't just knocked you back or caught you in the act, when you're both calm and not looking for an excuse to lash out. Find out exactly what about the porn/masturbation does she not like: would she prefer you masturbating without porn, or is the act itself distastful to her? Also, remind her that you're not doing it to get back at her, or to replace her, just that you have sexual urges and it's perfectly normal to fulfil these yourself (and whatever you do, steer clear of the obvious argument "it's better I do that than go find someone else", because that's never going to end well!).
I think the reason you're becoming so 'addicted' to masturbating is probably because it's an escape and the only thing you have control over. Obviously a GP or psychiatrist would have a more definite opinion, but it is certainly worth making sure you make yourself happy in those respects in a non-sexual way to see if that eases the urge. Let her know that, while you're happy to discuss things with her and take her opinions into accound (as should she yours), you need to do it reasonably, and be willing to compromise on some things. Maybe even things like, with CoD, if she agrees to be ok with him playing, you agree to make sure it's only while he's being supervised. Her concerns are valid, just as your reasons for wanting to let him are, so try and find a middle ground instead of only one of you 'winning'. But obviosuly if you have to fight her to be able to make any decision, and always feel like if you get to, you're losing because she's going to be fuming at you, then you're not going to feel in control in your life, and you will find the need to exert some form of control somewhere else becomes overwhelming.
Don't feel like it has to be the end. There's plenty ye can try if both of ye are willing - that includes her at least as much as you - so if there's a shot, you owe it to yourselves and your family to try and stop seeing only the frustration and bitterness, and start looking at why you've been together for so long. Giving up and thinking about moving on is...possibly what will end up happening, but until you're completely out of options, don't consider it, because when things get tough it will seem like such a temptingly easy route, and even worse it will be too easy to throw it out as a threat in the midst of an argument.
Your situation sounds truly awful and maybe, yes it would be best to call it a day.
It may be fixable, but only if you both love each other and are both prepared to work hard....if one of you is lacking that, it may be time to make a clean break.
You only get one life to live, you have to do your best to make it a happy one and 40 is certainly not past it! In this day of divorce, there are tons are single middle aged people and I think it's more likely to be fear of being away from a woman who you've spent, let's face it, most of your life with than it is about being 40 and single.
I think, it's probably time for that chat about where you both stand and how hard you're both prepared to work to fix it. Mediated by a counsellor would be the best option because it may be she feels like she's ready to throw it away, but deep down she still cares for you very much and it may take a bit of individual counselling and couples counselling to see that.
Don't worry about "wasting time" we are all lovely people who like to help when we can :) and your openness and honesty will only encourage that desire to help :)
Thank you again for your replies. xXx, you have said some of the kindest things in your posting.
The NHS direct lady said not to be ashamed of the addiction and to seek sexual councelling.
It sounds to me that sexual councelling is different to couple relationship councelling.
Absolutely - it sounds very concerning that you are addicted and, though I'm no expert, I think it's highly likely that it is an addiction and not you being insensitive to your wife! I hope you can seek the medical advice you need on that particular point because it certainly won't be making things any easier!
Sorry BashfulBabe I didn't se your post. Thank you for your post too. It all makes sense to me and have made me think about the future. I will go to the GP although that will be an embaressment. My GP is a young and attractive lady and discussing mastubation isn't going to be easy. I'll leave my raincoat at home (sorry thats my idea of a joke).
Don't worry about moaning or wasting others time, they'll respond if they wish.
I can feel the raw emotions in your post and I think you have many questions to ask yourself. Should you try counselling? Is the relationship salvageable? Only you really know the answer to this but you come across as deeply unhappy and perhaps are in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Be it children or circumstance that's not a reason to sacrifice your happiness if things are genuinely having such a negative impact.
40 next year. And? There are plenty of men and women here who have found loving fulfilling partners later in life, any major change is scary but sometimes it can be a weight off your shoulders. It is never too late to be happy. If it is your kids you worry about bear in minds that your current relationships influences your children's ideas on love and relationships, they deserve to see their parents happy, together or apart, it will make them happier in the long term.
The masturbation seems such a small issue in comparison, perhaps it's a call for intimacy, a stress release or simple hedonistic pleasure but I think you have bigger issues to talk about.
It seems like you really need to communicate, even if it is to discuss some short term distancing or a break. You really need to know how she feels, if she feels exactly the same you need to ask what is keeping you together.
Sorry BashfulBabe I didn't se your post. Thank you for your post too. It all makes sense to me and have made me think about the future. I will go to the GP although that will be an embaressment. My GP is a young and attractive lady and discussing mastubation isn't going to be easy. I'll leave my raincoat at home (sorry thats my idea of a joke).
You can ask to see a male GP if you prefer External Media
Sorry BashfulBabe I didn't se your post. Thank you for your post too. It all makes sense to me and have made me think about the future. I will go to the GP although that will be an embaressment. My GP is a young and attractive lady and discussing mastubation isn't going to be easy. I'll leave my raincoat at home (sorry thats my idea of a joke).
I think most GP surgeries will allow you to speak to a male doc if you would prefer and one is available.
With couples counselling it focuses on your relationship and you both benefit from this greatly as it not only highlights your addiction but to your partner's feelings as well as yours. You may learn a lot about eachother.
Sexual counselling focuses more on you and how you can battle out your sexual addiction and come out stronger. You may want to go ahead with this option if you feel like the first option isn't possible or if you prefer it.
As the addiction is not the only problem you have within your relationship I think the couples counselling may be beneficial especially for the family. It may even be advisable (if the couples counsellor recommends) that you attend both of these.
Good luck! I completely agree with the other posts. Don't feel trapped or limited in your options. Just be happy. Children pick up on that. =]
Hah, definitely don't worry about things like silly jokes or missing posts or wasting time or what-not: folk here are bolshy enough to say if they're offended by something, so you can explain or apologise, and no one's going to post or read if they don't want to, and we've seen posts happen at the same time enough to know if you didn;'t see it before you posted, you'll see it after.
But definitely as Alicia said, you can request a different GP. I used to always see a male GP, and when I had some 'lady issues' that I didn't feel right talking to him about, I asked to make an appointment with a female doctor, and the receptionist never even batted an eyelid. Just specifiy you'd like to talk to a male GP, and they'll try and fit you in, not like they'll turn around and go "why, what's wrong" and make you explain the issue to them, that's not their job, and they're well used to folk making much crazier requests than a specific gender. Actually, it's pretty common to have people request a male or female specifically, so certainly not worth feeling awkward about.
I'm sorry it's so sad for you, that really sucks. You need to work out what you want and what is best for you. Don't try to hide away from it, all that will happen is things will get worse. It's very brave of you to come and tell us all in such detail so kudos for that. Take care.
Oh, and don't worry about your age. There's no age limit on beauty, be it physical or internal :)
Thank you for all your kind replies. I'll try to elaborate but don't want to come across as some sort of moaning middle aged man. I also am aware that we are all very busy and don't want to waste anyone's time with dull dialaogue.
The comment "we don't get on" masks a lot. We argue all the time and do not see eye to eye over anything. This make the relationship very difficult and it upsets me when we argue in front of our children (although I must stress there has never been any violence in our relationship). One small example of many arguments could be my sons Xbox. He has many games and peer pressure mean he wants games over his age limit. Grand Theft Auto is a no go area we both agree on that. But one game is call of duty which has a massive online community of which many of his classmates participate (about 10 boys of a class of 30). I think it is important he has the game so he is not excluded from his friends but it is certificate 16 which is over his age limit. My wife says no and he should only play games rated upto about 12. This is just one example of pages of arguments I could give you as there really are lots and lots
The comment about the race is that sex between us is basically fast rubbing until orgasm, then roll over and go to sleep. The faster the better and if she masturbates me she rubs really hard with a "get on with it" expression on her face. In these cases I feel I am making her do something she does not want and I never want to be like that. I do like to spend time with her but she rejects advances so it not that I am just taking all the time. I can honestly say in our 25 relationship she has never approached me for any sexual contact.
When I have been rejected I will go down stairs to sort myself out and hence use porn to help. My wife may ocassionally follow later but when she walks in she will get cross and say something along the lines of "well dont expect me to help you out while you watch that". From that point on anything I say leads to an argument. I have apologised, turned it off and asked to spend time upstairs but whatever I say is on the path to an argument. I like to watch the clothed female type of porn so I don't think I am offending her with naked ladies and there is no suggestion I don't like her figure. I am not sure if anyone is familiar with this genre but the girls are usually happy and look like they are really enjoying themselves. This is the type of sex I would like as it is lighthearted and fun and does not need to reach climax everytime.
The masturbation is a problem and it does bring me to tears. A few weeks ago I missed my daughters birthday party because I faked a sore stomach. I don't think I need to say what I did instead. This is absolutly shocking behaviour to me and something I will never forgive myself for. This was the day I maturbated 6 times within about 3 hours. I made myself physically sore and bleeding and cannot get over it mentally. I cannot beleive that I stayed at home rather than going out and enjoying my daughters birthday party.
My fear of GP and councelling is because in everything there comes a point when you have to be honest and say enough is enough. To protect our family and our own sanity we should really both walk away from a relationship that has been far from perfect for many years. We got togther when we were 14/15 and stayed together ever since. I am 40 next year so the thought of looking for someone new or even being on my own is terrifying. This is another source of my dissapointment in life, only one sexual partner and we have never really fulfilled each other.
I guess another indication it is time to walk away is that she has gone to a major rock concert tonight and I am at home typing this.
First off, Welcome to the OA dude!
Takes a lot of balls to come on here and admit what you are going through etc.
I know as I was going through the same problems almost!
That link Alicia gave you was to my very own intro thread. With very similar problems.
I won't go into too much tonight as Im in a lot of pain & off my face on pk's ( long story lol )
But about 2 to 3 months on, And me and my OH are getting on a lot better, a LOT!
I have stopped masterbating... I was knocking one out about 9 - 10 times a day, Every day eventually.
Now I'm at a point where'for example, I have only wanked ( sorry ladies ) 3 times all week. And I dont feel the need for more.
I have almost completely stopped watching porn, And I've backed off from my oh ( in a healthy non-pestering way ) a lot.
I have not had any councelling whatso ever for this. It has solely been, Being on here and listening to these good folks advice, That I have brought these problems under control.
Believe it or not my OH used to be as angry as they come, And at first hated the sound of this place... Now she's a member and making good friends.
We go to couple councelling, And It DOES help!
Anyway, Im sorry If this post annoys you, I just want you to know, There is hope dude!!! And you have found a very very good place to get help and advice!
Thank you all for all you advice last night. It made me think and able to move forward with my wife.
Last night my wife was out and I was able to chat with you and a telephone councellor. The main message I got was discussing the problem with my wife was the place to start.
I went through my normal routine and masturbated before bed. I went to bed alone as my wife was out. At midnight my kids were restless so I got them drinks and returned to bed. About half an hour later I was still awake and developed a new erection. I wouldn't touch it trying to excercise some control.
My wife came home and we began to chat about the day and the councellor I spoke with. I also pointed out the erection I had was about an hour old now. Our conversation helped us both understand how we both feel about the situation and we agreed that we could work it out. But the erection remained for our entire conversation (about 2.5hours) so in the end we decided there was only one way to take care of it. We both went down stairs I showed her the porn I liked and we even discussed that. We have agreed there is some she does not like and we are throwing that out. The porn we are keeping is ours and we can share it. We have agreed that on some nights I need to sort my self out and on others we can share the experience. Sometimes in the bedroom, shower room and sometimes with porn. We even have agreed to get a sex toy to add some fun. I am now excited about ordering a vibrating cock ring today. I hope you will agree its a toy we can both share as we begin a new chapter.
My wife also told me she has a girlfriend who is a health care professional who shares a similar addiction to me. We are really close friends so we are going to discuss this with her and share some my experiences. Because we are a really tight friendship group this conversation would not be as awkward as talking to a GP. I know it can end badly but I am confident it won't because she has already shared her experinces with my wife on a girls night out.
I was in a dark mood last night but now I can see its a problem that can be sorted out. I still remain concerned about my need to masturbate. Last night I was erect for an hour before going to bed and then a further 2.5hours before taking it downstairs later on in total I must have been hard for about 5 hours. I asked my wife if she would sit with me as I masturbated for the second time that night, she did and helped from time to time with applying some new lube we bought. I guess this is actually a move forward because the time I speant online and talking on the phone would normally be spent masturbating.
Now I have turned around and I think I am actually really lucky and thank you all for helping me on my way to sort it out. Without you help I would have hid last nights erection and would have sorted it out alone.
I really am greatful for all your help and kind words.
I'm loving the forums tonight! Everything is so positive!
I was a bit worried by your first posts, you seemed so resigned to unhappiness (and not especially favourable about your OH) and I thought maybe a clean break would be the only way for you to be happy again, I'm glad talking has maybe proved this isn't the case.
I really do hope you take lessons from some of our 'success stories' and you become one of them. Communication, willingness to change things and time may just make things great again! You made a big step last night, your wife also, the apparent ease with which it happened and how it came about via talking suggest the only component missing is time.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope you stick around to share and add to the collective wisdom of us all!
