I am a masturbation addict and because the OH hates this I am in councelling to stop. My second session is this week and I am scared. The councellor says if it is a problem for my OH then I need to stop it. But I hate the thought and am scared what this might mean.
My addiction is out of control though to the point I masturbate everywhere. I had an erection at the station last week and started in the toilet by my train arrived. I finnished myself of on the train.
I told my OH what I had done and she went spare and called me every name under the sun and asked what would I have done if I was caught. The answer is I dunno - I just had to do it and now wonder what would have happened.
What do you guys think of giving up altogether. It seems impossible right now as I type this with one hand......
I think if you have to masturbate everywhere, it is out of hand. I do get horny sometimes even at places like lectures at universities, coaches, while with friends, especially if I get some text from my partner, but I can go on for days without touching myself if I have to (e.g. there is nowhere to do it without someone being round).
On the other hand I am not sure stopping all together is a good thing. Why does your OH hate it? Because it is embarassing if you do it everywhere? In which case I bit understand her, although she should not use rude language. Or is she generally against masturbation in general? I would be personally concerned if my OH was doing it everywhere and he could not stop himself, but I dont mind him at all masturbating.
Secondly, if you are on addict you will need some professional help and support to get it more under control. and support from your OH.
With stopping all together, I dont think it is possible in the long term run, as most people do it. So you need to get it under control
Your counselling will probably involve some compulsive behavioural therapy, ie some techniques you can use to bring your out of control desire under control again, ( hope that makes sense) its not going to be something I think a counsellor would be telling you to stop altogether as it's a pretty natural thing to do but to help you manage your habit and that should help you reduce the need to do it. My ex hubby had really bad OCD ( not about this tho) and went through years of therapy, so i can see from your partners side as well as your own. Basically its like any habit once the brain learns how to do something well it has a hard time letting go of the skill and so likes to repeat it You now need to unlearn it, which is hard. Don't fear the counselling sessions they are going to help you but you are going to need lots of support.
I should add that when I was on a train it was empty so it was not exactly daring as its not about getting caught. Although my biggest fantasy is about having sex in a room of people we (my OH and I) are to shy to ever try such a thing.
We have agreed with the councellor it is a stress relief as I do not have any other vices whatsoever (do not smoke or drink etc) But it is out of control. I was at it until 1am last night and have already begun today. This frequency makes my bits very sore and I need to apply nappy cream to take away the pain.
A few years ago it got so bad I needed to be circumcised because my foreskin was already tight and masturbation just made it sore and even bleeding. Ever since i have been very embarressaed over the appearance of my penis and find it very difficult to ejaculate during sex. during masturbation it can sometimes take upto 3 or 4 hours to finnish. i am going to discuss this with the councellor but I do have a lot of shame so biting the bullet is going to be really difficult.
Lozza: I see its going on for some time. I think you need to start to look for other means to relieve stress, this seems to be rather harmful.
I think you and your councellor should focus on something like:
1 Why are you so stressed?
2 What can be done to change this? If it is a job, maybe change it? If its in relationship, try to solve the problem. Can some techniques help with controlling the stress?
3 What activities can help you to get the stress out. My friend is trying meditation, I go to nature, do photography etc. Find something working for you.
I hope you find a way to cut it down so you can enjoy it again.
Please don't get the wrong idea about me. I don't do it so often because I want to cause harm, the soreness is a unfortunate side afffect.
Also i have learnt what can happen which is why getting the help is important. I found getting the circumcision was an awful experience for me but went along with it because I was stupid enough to beleive that being circumcised left you with less sensitivity and thought I wouldn't want to masturbate as much. what an idiot I was - the result is less sensitivity which means I masturbate more because it takes so long to finnish.
It had to be done but it would not heal for ages and I had to go back to hospital to have new stitches. I am also left with some scars which are unsightly but also painful if gripped. So when my OH grabs hold it is usually painful and hence the problems.
I wished I had found a group of people like a discussion group to talk to about these problems before having the operation. Thats why your replies are so helpful because I don't think I could talk to my friends about this.
I dont think you are doing it to cause harm, I think you are doing it as its a relief but you are overdoing it, which cases harm. And I was just suggesting ways on how to deal with the stress in anotherway. Although this is not an easy solution,but will take weeks or months to solve.
Do you use lots f lube? My partner is cut and he has to or he will cause friction and likely end up sore. Potentilly silicon could be better as it is longer lasting, but some waterbased lube should do. And carry the bottle everywhere
I think your counsellor should have reasoned with you or that you have misunderstood- the reason you should try and cut down is because it's causing harm to you physically as well as your relationship. It shouldn't be because your partner wants you to stop.
Counselling sounds like a very good step to take because I think there's a psychological dependance to masturbating.. You shouldn't feel forced to do it all the time. By definition- "Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought; however, over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction#cite_note-MorrisseyJenm2008-0
I found some of these sites that actually give good advice for this specific issue:-
I do have a lot of lube but because I am ashamed of the behaviour I don't use it (I know I should and can hear you shouting at your screen). I always hide my habbit when my OH is around but I went on a business trip recently and picked up a tiny bottle at the airport which I will keep on me for now. And yes I did use it on the plane as well :( luckily in business class in a corner bed where no one could see me.
Hi Nymeria thank you for the web links - I have had a really good read and will print them out to show the councellor tomorrow.
I am also slightly confused about my body. For example the train incident. I was standing at the station when I got an erection. I do not understand why this would be. There was nothing stimulating around me at all. I try to ignore it but it would have been noticable to anyone who looked (I was only carrying a wallet and phone) and the sensations become unbearable making me want to releive it to take away the erection. The same thing happens at night when it is time for bed. Once I tried to stop and had a late night chat into the small hours with my OH about the problem. We spoke for about 5 hours and the erection was there the entire time. My councellor made a joke of this saying most ladies would relish the thought but I didn't find it very funny at the time.
Oddly typing on this thread is helping so I am sorry for wasting your time. I have only releived myself once today and this has been a welcome distraction (although I should be working).
Once again I am really sorry to take up your time but your comments are greatly appreciated and it is helping me get my head straight for tomorrows session with the councellor.
It looks like I failed again today as I just had another session. We are both working from home today and I mentioned i had another erection (as you do in passing conversation). she offered to go upstairs for a joint shower but I rejected that (I can hear you all shouting at the computer again).
She sat next to me as I watched a short porn film. She was clearly unimpressed and said she didn't understand why I needed to do this and it was not an intimate moment. Luckily the movie was quite funny as three girls were making fun of the man who was getting a hj and my OH was soon laughing at it. I was able to finish myself off in 10 minutes but at the end she looked at me and walked out of the room.
Looking at the situation we need couple councelling before anything on the sexual side would be sorted. I know I should have gone with my OH for a shower and typing this has brought a tear to my eye. Sitting writing it out makes me see what i have done wrong today. I will bring this up tomorrow as a failing on my part.
Lozza: using the lube can take down bit the soreness, although not completely. If you have to do it, use it! Really use it. I mean it. It could prevent the real soreness. With no foreskin there is more friction, more chance to hurt yourself.
I think that if you are really unhappy with your current concellor,you can try to get a new one. sometimes people dont "click" and if you dont, it may be worth looking for another.
Secondly, dont see it as a failure if you do masturbate daily, but see it as an achievement if you masturbate less than usual! It is very unlikely you will be able to stop immediately,so any step to improvement is achievement! See it this way! And be honest when talking to your partner.
Also you are not wasting our time, we are here to help, and give advice. If we reply, it means we are willing to help and talk to you about it.
I had a rubbish night and chose to sleep on the sofa.
Last night I gave my other half a massage and didn’t ask for any sexual contact in return. After massaging her for over an hour I checked she was ok and just laid back for a chat.
This led to a conversation about fantasies.
She went first and said she would like to have sex with another man while I looked on. I didn’t like this idea but it was her fantasy so I kept silent and agreed she would enjoy that. She said how would I feel about it and I simply said I would prefer a foursome where we were all mutually involved although it was unlikely I would want intercourse with another lady but other contact would be nice.
My other half also spoke about restraints on me which was more to my liking.
When it was my turn I said I would like for her to pretend to be a stranger on a train and she would catch me with an erection. She would say why don’t you sort that out while she watched and kept guard.
Her reaction really shocked me as she said in a serious tone how disgusting I was and how things like that were creepy.
I said I didn’t understand because she had her own fantasies which seemed very liberated but by then she had the serious hump. I asked again what the difference was between her fantasies and mine to which she replied along the lines that I wasn’t right because I have porn which was degrading and sick.
She went on to say she noticed I was erect since I got out of the bath and also noticed I was even erect or at least semi erect most of the day. I said I think they come about in stressful situation or when I need to relax. I added I was worried about the councelling session tomorrow. She said I needed to learn to deal with stress better. My reply was that it would be nice for our whole family if the stresses themselves were addressed so we could all relax a bit more. She then starting saying I was accusing her of being stressful and being the cause of all the problems.
When she went on to say she was normal and it was my problem to resolve I gave up rather than get into a big row and I just said I thought it was better to sleep downstairs.
Hm, it's a shame it ended up like that, especially since it seemed you both were connecting.
I think you should make it clear that she should be supporting you and critiquing will just hinder your process of your counselling and progress. As for the actual conversation itself, it does appear that she was very unfair and harsh. Probably revealing some of her insecurities rather than anything. I personally think "porn" is fantasy for anyone as it's just in a visual style. I find it completely unfair of her to react like that as well as you were both revealing very intimate thoughts.
As for "normal". There is no "norm" in my mind just a healthy range. Your issue with the addiction is that it has gotten out of hand and causes you physical pain as well as causes friction in your relationship. Aside from that, it's pretty "normal" and healthy for someone to masturbate. To each their own on how often and whether they wish to watch porn with it.
Try and focus on the positives; that you have tried to refrain and quite successfully recently. By the way, I think you dealt with that blow from your partner very well. Sometimes, it's best to leave it especially when someone decides to resort to huge insults instead of debating/arguing resonably.
Good luck with your counselling today and hopefully things will improve with your partner.
Are you on any medication? Hypersexual behaviour can occur on some meds. Just wondered if you'd discussed the degree to which unexpected and unstimulated erections intervene in your life?
I used to get lots when I was 18-25 years old for as far as I could see no good reason but they didn't seem to intervene in my life in the way it's seems to affect you.
I can't add much else other than perhaps your partner feels you should be having sex with her rather than masturbating and feel it's a type of rejection?
I can't add much else other than perhaps your partner feels you should be having sex with her rather than masturbating and feel it's a type of rejection?
I have to agree with Big Poppa. At one time my hubby seemed rather too preoccupied with porn and masturbation and to be honest I didn't handle it well when I evetually confronted him about it. It does feel like rejection and it can be very hurtful. Maybe it was a last straw situation when you told her your fantasy was the very thing you're trying to control. Perhaps she saw it as you admitting that you aren't serious about controling your urges. She didn't handle it well but sometimes things can get too much to deal with in a 'sane' manner. Try to talk to her and explain things.
I think you've dealt with the situation well so far, don't give up on the counselling as you need help for your physical and mental well being as well as your relationship.
There is nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it isn't affecting your life and relationships, which this seems to be. I should imagine the hardest part, as with any addiction, is to acknowledge you have a problem and then try to do something about it.
I hope all goes well with your counselling, keep talking to your OH and ask for her help.
No - no medication at all. My other half mentioned these uncontrollable erections to our counselor as a real cause for concern and she is going to seek some further advice. I explained what happened yesterday and she offered anti depressants because they might help lower sexual need but I turned them down as I did not feel comfortable taking medication. If anyone knows a natural remedy then I would be happy to try.
As for sex with my other half. I am truly ashamed of the appearance of my penis after the circumcision. The scarring is awful and painful to touch and teaching my OH how to handle it seems a bit patronizing (although I know it must happen eventually if we are to have a complete sexual relationship). I have been to see an independent doctor not involved in the op and he has said he can see the problem but I must live with it. The only solution would be more surgery which is undesirable and complicated. It could also possibly seen as cosmetic which is not allowed.
On top of that during sex it can take 3 or 4 hours to ejaculate and this is frustrating and embarrassing as long sex sessions have not been welcome in our relationship. My other half has also said she isn't very keen on sex since we met (some 25 years ago) and she said today at the meeting she has withheld sex all that time. I am not the sort of person who would want to force myself upon her and as she has never invited sex in the time we have been together I seem to be in a catch 22 situation. The counselor is going to give us sex tips to get around most of this but I hope it explains why I would prefer to sort my self out rather than making sexual advances which may or may not lead to rejection. When I heard her fantasy was having sex with another man while I just looked on it hit my confidence quite badly so I am not sure what the future holds now. I do struggle to come to terms with the argument that porn is objectionable while at the same time she masturbates dreaming of having sex with another man while I am humiliated being forced to watch.
Even driving home we argued - one point that sticks in my mind is she said "I bet you really wish I would give you a BJ with no intimacy" (probably not an exact quote but the aggressive tone is unforgettable). My reply was I thought there was a time and place for everything in a long term relationship. That included back rubbing and foot massaging with no sexual contact right up to the occasion naughty quicky at the kitchen sink. I thought I was being reasonable but she just said I have an answer for everything and called me an ass. Needless to say we sat in silence the rest of the way home.
It seems I have learnt me and my other half are not even in the same library, let alone on the same page. Our desires are worlds apart and finding common ground from all of this seems impossible. But hey ho - wasn't it lovely weather today
Sorry to here this but sometimes the outcome of counselling isn't that you'll live together happy afterwards but can sometimes can be that the best thing for both of you is to call it a day and move on.
I agree most married couples have a mix of intimacy and quickies. I can also see 3-4 hours to orgasm could get too long no matter how much you love someone. I sometimes get dirty looks when a BJ is going on too long ( granted not as long as yourself ).
Is your relationship good outside of sex or are things not right there either?
Perhaps experimenting with sex toys on you to see if you can reach orgasm faster might allow both of you to enjoy it more.
Do you feel she meant to hurt you with that fantasy? Just wondering because if she knew how you are feeling about your body and how long it's taking you to orgasm surely she would be aware it could be hurtful? I hope not.
Keep going with the counselling. I've had it twice by myself and usually you have to feel more crap before you feel better.
I've noticed that what a lot of this seems to keep coming back to is the issues you have surrounding your penis. You might want to consider Googling "foreskin restoration", it's possible over time to stretch out the skin on the shaft of the penis, so that you essentially grow yourself a new foreskin. It's not a quick process, and won't be exactly the same as having the real thing, but the end result will be something which aesthetically resembles what you used to have, and also functions to protect the glans from abrasion and allow sensitivity to return.
As for your relationship, I think you need to put sexual issues aside for a moment and seriously consider whether you want to continue to be with this woman at all. She doesn't seem very supportive or nurturing, and merely emasculates you and robs you of any self-esteem. It isn't healthy, and usually once a relationship has reached the point where one party is treating the other with such utter contempt, no amount of counselling will help, and the best bet is to just call it quits instead of dragging out the misery.
Relationship is not good but we have been together 25 years and have two kids who demand lots of attention. As a couple we are seen as a rock in our fiendship group, although it proably is a fake. We are always complimented on our kids and how happy we appear as a family. Some of our younger friends have said they aspire to be like us. I don't want to suggest I have a massive ego but the end of our relationship would have a knock on effect. I can hear you saying I should get over myself but we are one thing constant to lots of people over a quater of a century and we have been a reliable fall back for people who need help. We have helped people get through all sorts of difficulties, some which make my problems seem tiny. But sometimes we all need help and it looks like our time has come.
I am not sure what to make of her fantasy. From one point of view it was just a hurtful off the cuff comment but on another it just demonstrates the amount of disrespect that exists. Either way its not good but she did apologise. While it has shocked me I think I need to rise above it.
I think the issues around my penis are important but seperate to the relationship issues. I regret only having a sexual relationship with one person and she has always been dismissive of me. I think that mentally I would like a relationship where my OH enjoys touching me but as i have said the OH withholds sex. When she sees me with an erection she currently says "oh its up again" in a dissapointed tone and I would love her just for once to say "oh its up again" in a come here and play big boy tone of voice. (am I making any sense at all) I intend to bring this up in the next session because I am not sure how I am going to stop playing with it of no-one else will. Today the counceller did say she thought I was just filliing in for a part of my life that was missing.
If I got some self esteem back about the appeance of my penis (scars and all) I think I would be able to overcome the other problems. The pain is there forever so if I can get some intamacy back then I would enjoy showing her where it hutrs and how i handle it to avoid the pain. But I also think more non sexual contact like massages might open her up to be more willing.
Hopefully we can agree this in our next session but we have to get there first without yelling at each other.
wanted to reply yesterday, but I was with friends in the end.
I am wondering how long ago did it start and if you remember what started it? I think it could help you to identify the issues which are there and sorting them would help you get over it.
You do need serious help even as a couple, it is not possible to go on like this, but there has to be a solution. But you both have to try to be civil and she has to stop having rude and unsuportive comments, especially if you are trying to improve the situation, regardless how tiny the first achievements may seem. Thats the start. Over time they can get bigger, but in the beginnning you may need time to get there. Also guys do have erections several times a day normally, my partner even more when he is round me, as long as you can control yourself... It means nothing.
I think once you get this issue sorted you may also find that you dont take that long to ejaculate, as its normal to take longer for lot of people after an orgasm to orgasm for the second time. but this may improve in the future, hopefully.
