Orgasm Guilt?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

my OH suggested I make a post about this, as its something I have trouble with, and its daft and silly and embarrassing, but if anyone is going to understand, then you guys will.

*starts at the top* I really struggle to orgasm on my own sometimes, because I feel dirty and guilty like I'm doing something dreadful when I get close, and it puts me off getting myself off. When my OH 'helps' I can get over the edge, but am often left feeling 'hollow' and filthy.

I know this isnt rational, and I vaguely know where it's come from. Growing up (meaning teens), EVERYONE knows that boys masturbate and thats fine, but girls that do it are filthy whores/ sluts / desperate / dirty etc etc. On the one or two occasions I was caught masturbating in my mid teens, I got yelled at, So I didnt do it anymore.

At some point during this time I gathered the impression that sex toys are the sole pleasure of sex workers / porn stars and desperate people.

Now I KNOW this isnt true, and I enjoy many of my collection. But I still struggle to get myself 'over' the edge, something that has nearly brought me to tears on occasion.

So yeah, What I basically wanted to know is does anyone else, has anyone else, had this sort of problem and how did you (scuse the pun) overcome it?

or is it only me?

2

the *starts at the top* should have been followed by, I really struggle to orgasm on my own

3

I found a nice warm bath (with the door securely locked) much easier but it took a while to overcome the feeling that it wasn't a proper thing to be doing

Still find it easier if bf is helping though

4

Not being rude, And please forgive me if I come across this way....

When you were growing up and/or at school, With friends, Was sex looked upon in a negative or positive way???

Have you been brought up with the whole 'no sex before marriage' or sex is dirty thing at all?

The reasons I ask are a little while ago I made a similar kind of thread on here as after masterbating to a nice climax a few times, I went straight on a major downer, Felt very very guilty about what I had just done etc! It really was quite horrible actually and I felt quite depressed for a few days solid.

Turns out, Because my OH has some major hang-ups about masterbation etc I was Feeling rotten, because when she once caught me she gave me so much grief it messed with my head.

She's still like it, But we're working oin it bless her ;)

but seriously, You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about sweetie!

Here's an idea...

Next time you're feeling up to going solo when oh is at work or something, Try this out, ( It helps me a lot. )

Run yourself a nice luxurious bath, Have some candles etc burning in the room, SOMEWHERE SAFE!

Have some of your favourite soothing music playing in the background. try to look up Lovers lounge on cd.

Anyway, Without getting too graphic here... Indulge yourself, But stay relaxed as you do, Breath nice and slow!

If you feel like it, Move on to the bedroom or your favourite room, Have you got and satin/silk bedding/cushions? Maybe a nice furry rug/throw etc....

Make yourself a lovely comfy sensual heap on your bed/floor/sofa etc, Grab your favourite toy(s) and a nice lube or massage oil.

Krank your nice soothing/sexy music up a little, Dim the lights and well, Take your time and pamper yourself!

Hope that all makes sense and helps at all?!

Anyway, Ive babbled enough lol! Take care and DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!! ;)

5

Thanks for all the advise guys. When I was growing up sex was never discussed in family (to the point where my mum explained the birds and the bee's by handing me a book and scarpering).

My OH finds it amusing that I am kinky as hell and yet go bright red when trying to talk about, name or describe anything.

In school sex was always a dreadful thing, anyone doing anything was a slag. I lost my virginity at 16 with a much older boyfriend. My mother found out and I was almost paraded as something of a slag.

The immortal words still ring my ears from her:

"you know what they call girls like you?! Jailbait."

About 6months before hand I'd been on a school trip skiing in America. the other girls in the room invited a random bloke they'd met back to the room, despite my protests.

Well I'd rather not have to draw you a picture of what happened to me. The next morning, one of the other girls rooms decided to rat out to the teachers we'd had a boy in our room.

Hauled up in front of the teachers, as the eldest in the room it was Clearly my idea. 2 hours i was interviewed and accused and never said a word of what happened. 2 days later we flew home. My parents were informed, I was grounded for 8 weeks. I ended up in front of the headmistress. Threatened with suspension, and had to go and personally apologise to all the teachers on the trip for the shame I'd brought on the school.

Actually, really no surprise I'm messed up

6

Ouch!

You did have a tough time of it! * More hugs *

Well, You need to remember you're an adult now who has your own opinions on life and sexuality!

What you believe and feel comfortable with is just fine!

I felt awefull for years because I had a secret love for anal fun. I worried like hell that I was turning gay ( Not that theres anything wrong with that! ) Or that I was a freak.

Turns out Im just one of a large group of straight men that are into recieving some bum lovin of one kind or another!

So now I am proud to admit that yes I'm a straight guy, And yes, I absolutely love having various toys inserted into my ass and having my prostate massaged! So MEH!

* Sticks tongue out at all the ignorant, Narrow minded and judgemental people in the world! and gives them the middle finger! *

7

lol seduced you tell 'em!

dont get me wrong, i HUGELY enjoy my toy adventures, what ticks me off if the guilty misery that can follow

8

One way that I look at it is, that I use my body to recieve pleasure all the time in ways that are totally acceptable by society. I enjoy flavours of nice food and drink with my mouth, I enjoy the feeling of soft clothes or smooth objects. I sit in a bath or sauna happily and enjoy the warmth. I smell scents and hear music.

All of this is recieving pleasure from your body, it just happens that certain parts of your body, when stimulated, make nice feelings. The erogenous zones are only examples of the larger picture.

I don't think i've ever felt guilty about enjoying the smell of cinnamon. I don't see why I should feel guilty about making my body do something it's oviously pre-programmed to do.

9

Sorry you've had such a tough time MsEllie - it's not nice that your mother was so closed minded too as we are shaped by our parents. I'm glad you're much more open minded.

I think the trick is to focus on feeling better in your mind and not necessarily relate it sex straight away. Focus on feeling confident and happy within yourself and knowing that your happiness is just as important as anyone else's. You deserve to feel good - have a coffee and a rest when *you* want it even if other people need help with something. Learn that and it should become easier to relate it over to the act of self pleasure.

Self pleasure is an excellent way to benefit your sex life with your partner too - look at it as practise for sex with the OH - if *you* know what works for you then he does too because you'll relate it over to him.

I don't tend to have new years resolutions but every year I give myself something to improve on - so a few years ago it was learning how to be positive again because depression had taken that part away from me. The last 2 years it's been working on confidence - it takes a long time but I'm getting there and it's something worth working on!

Maybe you need to make a plan to work on your confidence in your own pleasure starting with confidence in yourself. Putting a priority on it like that seems to help me at least!

Adxx

10

as other people have said nothing is wrong with you, we are all screwed up by our parents/past, just look forward and think "I have nothing to feel guilty about"

11

i sometimes feel gilty for bringing my self to orgasm i dont know why but i dont feel guilty when i orgasm with my hubby

12

yep i do sometimes .so i tell her then she get's horny and then we do it together mmmm

13

Hi Miss Ellie, I can empathise with you, for I am in a similiar situation.

When I was growing up, naively now I know but I thought toys/masturbation etc were all taboo and was often caught saying, "I dont do plastic"! oh my . Now I have growing collection :) this is leading to my situation. I have never experienced the pleasure of an orgasm, i get the shudders, flinches, lip biting etc but at the final hurdle it stops, just disappears, this may sound a little strange and for me its embarassing. I've always gone through my sex life as pleasing others before myself, never really thinking this is meant for me also. Until I met my OH, I finally realised that being a little selfish and making sure that you/I feel pleasure is the way to be. Still the last hurdle is my main aim, and having an understanding and supportive partner is helping. I now have the confidence to indulge myself into the world of masturbation, toys. Trying to clear no re-train my head to believing that all that happens is good and pleasurable that is where to start, so my closet friend,OH and a therapist say. I feel for my OH and i can sense a little disappointment when I dont orgasm and he does, I feel sad to the point sometimes have cried, but he has said that whatever it takes we will help me to get that elusive orgasm.

I know that I am the only person who can help me and am working on it, just wanted to say that the comments and advice on here can help

:)

14

first off, heres some **BIG HUGS** for MsEllie!

Sounds like you've had a tough time, but don't forget that you're in no way alone in having leftover sexual hangups from your upbringing.

Personaly, I don't have any problems reaching orgasm by myself, but I do feel a little guilty sometimes that I haven't saved it for my OH. She on the other hand says she has never masturbated as she doesn't understand why she would want to, and I've no reason to doubt her, as her sex drive is a bit on the low side. She was raised in a house where her parents were a little more open about sex through her teenage years, and naughty jokes, double entendres etc were fairly common, but as she was pretty shy and quiet she found it all quite embarrassing, and has since led a rather chaste life.

Its kind of odd, how in some cases parents etc being strict about sex can have similar effects as a different set of parents trying to be open.

15

When i was growing up i was taught sex only when you are married and masturbation was dirty.

I ended up rebellling after a while by playing "games" with other female friends from the age of 13, masturbating throughout my teens and having sex before marriage.

But I did have the guilt factor, even now I wont masturbate in front of my husband, he has never asked me to because he knows i would be shy about it.

I dont have any problem with masturbation by myself while OH is at work, thats fine, but in front of him I would find really embarassing and wkward :(

16

Thanks all, for all your comments. Weirdly I dont mind masturbating in front of hubby as he loves it. Its on my own I feel bad about, and I can only really come properly with him 'driving' whatever that days choice is!

Reading back I feel i misrepresented my mum, She's wonderful, just embarrassed by all that, and trying to protect a very rebellious teenager.

17

MsEllie wrote:

Thanks for all the advise guys. When I was growing up sex was never discussed in family (to the point where my mum explained the birds and the bee's by handing me a book and scarpering).

Humph. At least you got a book. External Media

Can't really offer any better advice than you've already been given, but there's one thing which I think might help wean you off needing your partner's help -

First, if you're comfortable with him guiding you and pushing you over the edge, take the step of having him guide you only with his voice. Get him to say "I want ..." Maybe you could wear a blindfold and just totally focus on his voice and what he's telling you to do; how and where to touch yourself. Give him feedback on how it feels, tell him how much you like different things, but let him decide what to let you do next. If there's something you really want to be told to do, you'll have to convince him!

So far, so sexy, but once you've done that a couple of times, try phone sex. It doesn't have to be from far away; if you've got the right type of house phone you can even speak from the next room. Free minutes on mobiles are your friend here, too. Again, let him guide you, and do only what he says. "I want... " again. He should have a better idea now of what turns you on. Hopefully, you should be able to relax into a session even with him "distant" as long as you know he's taking responsibility for your pleasure, and you're doing it to please him.

Now get arty - get hold of some envelopes and little pieces of card. Get your OH to write on the cards detailed and sexy instructions for a specific toy, or one type of action for you to carry out. Again, knowing what you like, he can put together a stack of these envelopes, and hand them to you or leave them in your toybox. You now have step-by-step instructions, from him to you, that he wants you to carry out when he's not around. You can think of this kind of "session plan" like a mix-tape that he puts together for you to enjoy. All he has to do is ask you to "play" it. Of course you can mix and match the cards to create your own custom sessions, but the important thing at this stage is that he is doing the choosing and writing down in his own words what he wants you to do.

Final stage - write your own cards. Again, say "I want..." and write as if you were talking to a third person. "I want you to ..." Get specific; you know your own body better than anyone. Still keep the envelopes, or randomly shuffle the cards to keep some element of "otherness" to your orders, but this time they are coming from yourself. If you're able to follow written instructions to orgasm without guilt, then who did the writing shouldn't matter.

Congratulations - you can now give yourself permission to orgasm solo! Just talk yourself through it step by step and always use the phrase "I want".