So, I thought I’d pop this on the forum just because, people who have come to know me might wonder why one day I’m saying that I have issues with penetration and only a few weeks later I’m asking about girthy toys (conversation with @Mint-Monster on the pander to me thread)! I don’t want everyone thinking that I’m making stuff up! Sorry if this is to much information.
I thought I had issues with vaginal penetration in general but it seems that it isn’t that simple. I have a nerve condition so some of the problem might be related to that but I think a lot of it is psychological. This is the weird situation I now find myself in:
I find penetration with one/two fingers practically impossible so obviously I didn’t think to try anything more than that. I can however have sex with my OH who is average size I think (not that I have anything to compare him with!). That was confusing enough but then things changed again…
For some reason I was feeling really turned on a week or so ago and have found that I actually really enjoy the stretching feeling of girthy toys (I have a small inflatable dildo that I don’t usually inflate much but really enjoyed the feeling so just carried on! I’ve even managed to get up to the knuckles of my hand (I’m not flexible enough to go further).
But I still can’t use one finger on its own.
I am really confused! Maybe I just don’t like things that are too “pokey” or I just have a mental block against things that are finger sized?!
I can’t say I’m particularly bothered about the reasons for it, although it would be nice to understand, I’m just enjoying my newly discovered self.
What about your nails on your fingers that are sharp compared with something more smooth and roundish like a penis or a toy your nails might be hitting that place that causes the pain
I did wonder if that was the case but I keep my nails really short and I’ve tried wearing gloves too (surgical ones obviously!). I originally got some vaginal trainers / dilators and had the same problem with the smaller ones of those (I never tried the larger ones since the idea is not to move on until the small ones are easy).
Now that’s a conundrum!
There is a big positive in terms of experimenting more to see if you get to the bottom of it.
And of course the other side is you’re enjoying yourself regardless
Nerve stuff can be a funny old gig in itself, and perhaps a smaller/pointy contact is setting off some kind of signals.
Anyways, just wanted to say wouldn’t worry how other people see things, you know yourself and how things are for you. That’s all that matters at end of the day.
It definitely sounds like some kind on mental issue. As though your mind is associating something as small as a finger or two with something unpleasant. Often young women are told that it’s wrong or dirty to touch themselves, such things can persist into latter life, and cause issues.
It is strange that it’s limited to smaller things, but the mind is a strange thing, so associations such as this one are surprisingly easy to create.
So pleased to hear you’ve found things that work for you @Kitty-Cat01! That’s great news. It may just be that you’re not “turned on” at the thought of one finger, but girthier toys and your partner do it for you and that’s okay! I know dilators really work for some, but I think there can sometimes also be a psychological barrier as they can be seen as more “medical”, rather than being turned on when using them if that makes sense. It obviously may be something else, but as long as its not bothering you and you’re not experiencing any pain, then go with what you enjoy!
Keep enjoying (and don’t forget lube is your friend)
I think it’s a combination of things like @Mr_Kink1 said, it could be a weird nerve thing and as @anon62893628 said, it is probably a mental thing too, my family are very conservative bordering on prudish so this is very possible!
I think this was very much the case for me, I have a bit of a phobia of medical stuff (“a bit” might have been an understatement!) And, yes lube is my best friend at the moment!
@Kitty-Cat01 - re. the problem with fingers, and the possibility that it has a psychological cause: could there have been any unpleasant experiences in your teen/early adult life that might have left you with triggers? Some clumsy teenage fumblings perhaps, or a far-from-ideal first experience of a gynae exam by a doctor? Something you might have forgotten or suppressed without realising? You don’t need to tell us here - it’s just a question for you to consider.
Wow, this sounds a lot like me! I think it honestly might have to be down a lot to the psychological aspect, as often if I try to insert my kegel balls it can be extremely painful even though they are very small, but inserting a 5" long toy w a 5" circumference is often not an issue as I associate it more with sex. Honestly I think I get in my head too much as I often have to consciously relax my vaginal muscles if using a toy rather than having sex where I don’t have to think about it at all. Glad to see you’re finding what works for you, as the body is a mystery
Yes, we have anal sex @funster63, no problems there, all good!
That’s entirely possible, there are a couple of things that I can think of but I’m not sure they were particularly traumatic. There might be another one from childhood but I don’t remember, it’s just a feeling that I might have forgotten something.
Glad it’s not just me @rosiedosie The body is indeed a mystery! Do you still try to use the kegel balls? If they are painful I wouldn’t use them, you don’t want to be reinforcing negative thoughts with penetration. Also, if you find it hard to insert things sometimes then your pelvic floor muscles are probably already tight and learning to relax and control them might be more beneficial (according to my physiotherapist - I used to do kegel exercises but was told not to.)
Yes, I still use them, as it is mainly only an issue when I’m overly stressed as it’s hard for me to relax anything at that point. I use them as a way to learn to relax and control my pelvic floor muscles, though they are definitely already pretty tight (my OH sometimes comments on this , not in a negative way though), as it’s an easier way for me to get more used to having something inserted that’s not too big.
I’m glad you’re exploring, and have found some non-triggering fun!
It is entirely possible to have no memory of a traumatic event yet have a strong physical or emotional reaction to specific trigger(s). (This is because trauma interferes with memory formation). A brilliant book on this topic is “The body keeps the score” by Bessel van der Kolk - could be helpful if you think something like that might be involved
(and don’t forget lube is your friend)
