Do you believe that someone being poly is through choice? or that they are just born that way?
I'm interested to hear your thoughts =)
I think that they are horn that way, you can't choose who you are attracted to
I also think they are born that way. 
We belive that biologically, we are all born polyamorous. Our genes basically command us to go out and sleep with as many people possible and have lots of babies. However, we're psychologically shaped by society to be monogamous, as it's more convenient and makes for a more ordered society.
That makes it sound a bit technical and mechanical :( Basically, we think that people can easily fall in love with multiple people, and that the true romance of a monogamous relationship involves the conscious sacrifice of this state of being in order to gain the commitment and security of having one person, and all the happiness that does come with that,
We're speaking here as two completely committed people - we've not interested in exploring sex or love with anyone else at all. However, we're happy to admit to the points we made above, and understand that one of the great things about our relationship is that we have chosen to be with just each other, over having multiple sexual partners. There is definitely a certain romance to this thought, which is what makes monogamous relationships so appealing.
Great thread by the way - this is definitely a very interesting topic to explore, and we hope to get some more discussion out of it :)
Never got a chance to edit the earlier post, but just to say that we'd definitely be interested in hearing from anyone who is polyamorous, and has had or is currently in a polyamorous relationship. Just to get a bit of insight into the specifics of things and how it works for people :)
I think the emotional and relationship skills needed to manage the whole thing matter more in the end than any inborn orientation towards it.
S&S wrote:
We belive that biologically, we are all born polyamorous. Our genes basically command us to go out and sleep with as many people possible and have lots of babies. However, we're psychologically shaped by society to be monogamous, as it's more convenient and makes for a more ordered society.
I dont know if that is true it is often said about young men but doesnt explain why young men are particularly prone to falling head over heels in love. I certainly am not capable of having two relationships at the same time. Also we are primates other animals also mate for life and as far as I am aware they dont have a society to manipulate their mind set.
Gunther is quite right of course, humans are not the only species to mate for life. But a relationship between 2 people is about many things.
Love is one part, and given that as a parent we can Love multiple children without detriment to any single one of them, then surely it must be possible to Love multiple "Partners" without detriment to any one of them.
Sex, of course, is another part of a relationship. And there is no doubt that the basic animal instinct in humans is to actively procreate the species - or as S&S says "go out and sleep with as many people possible and have lots of babies." As with most animals it is the male of the species that is usually the one that has the instinct the strongest, although it is not always the case.
In some societies poligamy is the norm, but in our society it is frowned upon. Who's to say which is "right"
So, the question was "do we behave in a certain way by choice" - Of course we do, we are a thinking species and as such will make decisions. We may not have a choice as to our actual sexuality, that is all down to genes, but we do have a choice about who we live with and who we sleep with. Whether the choices we make are accepted by our society or not is another matter.
I wish there was more polygamy in books so love triangle don't matter anymore.
I suppose its a bit of each really like being hetrosexual homosexual or Bisexual. People may be born predisposed to be one or another but environment also counts. If you bring boys up with almost no contact with women a higher percentage than usual will become gay or bisexual in later life, I went to all boys schools lol
This is how I see it as someone who does have multiple relationships: I feel it's something I have been born with and something I can't change. I've tried to change it, but it hasn't worked, and if anything it upsets me so much when I force myself to be mono. This isn't saying that I will always be in multiple relationships. There will and have been in a relationship with just one person. But I have struggled when I have been in a relationship and I've had to force myself to be just mono.
I'm currently at a tricky point in my relatonships where two of my partners have basically said that I need to choose to be mono. One of them has said that they wish to settle down in a year, a house, kids, and things, and with me. He knows I'm poly but wants it to just be us. The other partner, isn't being very accepting of me being poly, particularly as right now I am having a very meaningful relationship with another person. I like to make sure that everyone I am dating consents to certain things, like seeing new partners, as well, but right now this guy isn't consenting, and basically has told me that I need to stop being poly or he will leave me. He can't cope with it, and while he knew beforehand that I had multiple relationships before we got involved, it really hasn't sunk in how serious I am with all my lovers until recently. Both these partners I care for greatly and it's not just about sex, and I have been seeing them both now since I was 17. I think the pressures of adult life and expectations, has influenced their change in attitude to my poly lifestyle. I think that while we were teenager they saw it as more natural, and just thought I was trying to explore, however I knew then that this wasn't the case. I had my first poly relationship during high school at about 14. It didn't last too long, but it worked well while it did. Luckily both of the guys involved were friends, so it worked pretty well, it just that the relationship with them both didn't really suit me.
At 15-16 I tried to have a mono relationship with a guy who was older and trying to train as a vicar. At first I thought that it could work for me, but as the relationship developed I started to have strong feelings for a friend of his. It caused a lot of problems, and I ended up cheating. But the biggest problem was the feelings I felt as I tried to force myself to be mono and stop loving the person I had started caring for.
Right now I only have one partner who is completely ok with me being poly. We care about each a lot, and it's more than just sex. While the other two aren't so accepting, I still love them both, but know that sadly our relationships will probably have to end soon, resulting in a lot of heart ache. I think it's because these two guys really are mono, but also aren't able to understand the emotions I feel due to being poly (the good and the bad).
But with the way things are going right now, I am feeling very confused and am hurting a lot. I keep blaming myself for it all and keep on trying to change and be mono. I feel like such an horrid person and really don't have anyone supporting me during this time, apart from that one lover. My friends think I'm greedy, or not right, that I'm not normal, and that I'm a bad person. I have almost given-up on trying to explain to them that when I have multiple partners I am so happy.
The relationships work pretty much like mono relationships. They aren't just about sex as there's the other things you get in a mono relationship, we we feel and do together. The feelings are more than just good friends too, these people I can honestly say, I love and more than anyone and anything else in the world. I'm not 100% sure what love really is, but I know that what I feel for them, probably is it anyway =)
I do have a few rules (again every relationship has rules):
1 always use protection
2 everyone involved regularly has to have STI tests
3 My limit is to have no more than 6 relationships at one time. For some reason I'm able to cope when I'm only seeing 5 or less partners.
I do feel some people choose to be poly, as a way of avoiding cheating and things. But for me it isn't something I choose, it's just me being me. But right now I wish I cope change it, because of the hurt it is causing, and not just to myself, but also to the people I love so very much.
I'd also like to point out that when I started having multiple relationships, everyone who was in a relationship was mono, and I didn't really know that people do have multiple partners. =)
Nymph, that's a lot to cope with. Are you in touch with any sort of polyamory organization or other people who are in poly relationships? I used to know people who were part of a poly support group, might be able to track one of them down for you. I think you could use advice and discussion that's more specific and experienced than most of us in the LH forum can provide.
Every poly I've known personally (and back in my baby hippie days that was a fair number, including myself) has eventually gone mono. I never felt like it was something inate in me though, so I don't know about that side of it, just that I truly prefer only one these days. My e-mail is in my profile if you want to talk privately. Give me a shout in the thread if you do though, cause I forget to check it.
S&S wrote:
We belive that biologically, we are all born polyamorous. Our genes basically command us to go out and sleep with as many people possible and have lots of babies. However, we're psychologically shaped by society to be monogamous, as it's more convenient and makes for a more ordered society.
That makes it sound a bit technical and mechanical :( Basically, we think that people can easily fall in love with multiple people, and that the true romance of a monogamous relationship involves the conscious sacrifice of this state of being in order to gain the commitment and security of having one person, and all the happiness that does come with that,
We're speaking here as two completely committed people - we've not interested in exploring sex or love with anyone else at all. However, we're happy to admit to the points we made above, and understand that one of the great things about our relationship is that we have chosen to be with just each other, over having multiple sexual partners. There is definitely a certain romance to this thought, which is what makes monogamous relationships so appealing.
Great thread by the way - this is definitely a very interesting topic to explore, and we hope to get some more discussion out of it :)
What she said. xx
Nymph that does sound like you are between a rock and a hard place and that is such a tough decision. Being asked to choose between your fundamental feelings and beliefs or your relationship with two people you love. I dont have any advice as this is such a hard decision and one only you can make in the end but you know yourself that you wont be happy being mono and can't force yourself to be, so you just have to make sure you do what your gut tells you to do to try and be happy. xx
That is certainly a tough situation Nymph, and while I don't think we can offer any advice on the situation, we definitely appreciate you sharing your experience as it gives a real insight into the topic.
We continued to talk between ourselves this morning, and the situation we were thinking of was a bit different from Nymphs'. We were wondering what it would be like being in a three-way (possibly more) relationship, where everyone lived with each other and experienced intimacy. For instance, the hypothetical situation of us adding a guy to our relationship, one who both me and her loved and lived with. How would that work?
This is just a hypothetical thought now - we both know that - but it's certainly interesting to think about how things might work and what sort of situations might pop up. Anyone have any thoughts or experience with this?
Thanks Rosehip, I'm actually ok with it mostly, was mainly just trying to give people an idea of what it's like being a poly person and things.In regards to a support group, there isn't one around here, however I have been chatting with people over the past few weeks about setting up one at the place I'll be runningmy book club =)
S&S I think what you have described can work, and does work for some. I know some poly people who live together. Really it's something I'd like in the future too =)
i dont get the question?
Having sexual relationships with multiple partners is a choice, like wearing blue. Being attracted to people is not a choice.
I'm not attracted to challygfox, but i could split him in half if i so chose.
I am attracted to my partners best mate, but choose not to plough her in to next week.
Hi Nymph, I also believe that if you are poly then you are born that way and can't change it. I think you may be struggling a bit emotionally right now and it might be time to nip the 2 relationships in the bud that are not understanding of your lifestyle; they may never come round and if not will be the cause of a lot of future heartbreak. You mention that one of your partners understands and I think you should stick with him but let the other two go slowly and explain to them your situation before giving up totally. I hope you are ok xxx
I thought I was straight, then lesbian, then bi and now I'm not quite sure. I think I am bi but would love a poly relationship - everything out in the open with everyone :)
One of the relationships is no more. I wanted to try for a break, but he basically said that if I wanted a break, we might as well just break up.
It was interesting as I was talking with my poly partner and asked him what he thought, for him he thinks it's more of a choice, rather than being born a certain way. But he also thinks that some are born that way too.
I don't believe that anyone is born poly. I think it is a psychological objection to monogomous relationships possibly stemmimg back to childhood experiences.
There is a far greater risk of people getting hurt and I cannot see how itcould be a healthy environment to raise children