Porn within marriage

Sex Toys
1

Hey all,

I was at work today with a trashy magazine that one of my fellow staff members left behind, one of those women's magazines. In it was a letter section in which someone had written about a previous article.

Since I could not read the article itself but only got the gist of it, I dont know the full details, but the description of it left me in quite some shock.

The letter described the article about a woman who discovered her husband was very much into porn. Upon her discovery, she became very disturbed, worrying that he was addicted, if he was into porn then would he stop finding her attractive if she got pregnant and later in life, what if the children found it on the computer and so on. She's very distressed. Apparently the couple have gone through conselling for this and they're coming through it.

I'm glad they're working through their differences.

However, it might just be me having an open view on sex as I imagine most other OA members must, but I was shocked by the close mindedness of this woman. I was saddened that she thought her husband liking porn meant he would not find her attractive, or that he was not responsible enough to keep this stuff hidden away from children (I'm not sure if they had children or if they were planning to, but the point still stands). I can understand she might have been a bit shocked at first, but I honestly thought that it was over the top that she needed counselling for it. I hated her assumption that her husband watching porn meant that he was automatically some kind of sexual predator with no sense of morals or responsibility and he only wanted his wife for the sex.

I dont watch porn, it turns me off more than it turns me on, but I found the close mindedness and assumptions of this woman quite saddening. Admittedly, it may have been better if some kind of boundaries or agreement were made beforehand so she didnt find out this way, but still, I was almost offended by her reaction.

Do others agree?

Discuss :)

2

I agree with you!

For some reason alot of male sexual behaviour is unacceptable to alot of society.

That man had porn so it was HIS problem not hers for being offended by it. He now loses something that was satisfying to him because she has an issue. Sad. Unless of course it was 'disturbing' porn.

I don't want to rant but I think the tables have turned alot! Male sexuality is often demonised or portrayed as dangerous unless you are a straight vanilla dominant male. Its a shame!

3

I've always known that my OH watches porn and used to worry that he found the women more sexy than me but no way would I ever have tried to stop him. And now we watch it together and I have no worries about him preferring the women in it. I wonder if she would have been more accepting if he had been more open about it rather than hiding it? But then perhaps not going by her reaction.

4

I was also rather surprised when I first came across this attitude too, but believe me it is very VERY common - some women considering porn cheating. I have lost count of the threads on another forum I use saying much this.

While to us it may seem an over the top reaction, once you really think about it it is not all that surprising; it plays on some very common insecurities and behaviour/thinking conditioning many of us have. Her upbringing may have lead her to believe it was dirty and for outside of a relationship - she has probably never had reason to find out/realise otherwise until the moment she found it. Add to that the surprise of finding out something her husband that she knew nothing about and you can see how it can happen.

I am not saying she is right - far from it; but as it was (apparently) hidden from her, both parties need to take some responsibility for the situation and how it is handled from here.

Now she has discovered it, hopefully she will have opened her eyes and may even learn how common and acceptable it is.

5

Hmmm. . . .there should be no secrets at all in a successful relationship. Being open and honest from the onset is the key, then there will be no surprises and the choice of wether to stay in the said relationship can be made by either party.

SG69

6

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

Hmmm. . . .there should be no secrets at all in a successful relationship. Being open and honest from the onset is the key, then there will be no surprises and the choice of wether to stay in the said relationship can be made by either party.

SG69

But we at OA often find it easy to say that, what with our sexual liberation!

*long live the children of the revvvvooooolution etc...*

I do understand why some people keep things like that.

If your misses was Miss Firey Dragon then its would probably be alot harder to tell her. If she was completely unreasonable (for what ever reason, say religious reasons) then you have a choice of:

Doing it and upsetting her,

Stop doing something and resent it,

Or keep quiet.

Logically, it might be the answer that causes the least harm.

Tis a shame not everyone is as open minded! I'm not down playing the importance of honesty, I just think its alot easier to look at it through our successful relationships and forget that some people are just idiots, bigots, unreasonable etc and that honesty isn't always the best policy. External Media

7

I can agree there WandA defo but I myself couldn't be with someone and not be totally open with them but. . . .I am divorced and been around the block a few times you could say! That relationship I was in she did nothing but lie to me and cheat on me so maybe that's made me more so the way I am, which is lay your cards on the table and we'll go from there kinda guy!

The girl I'm with now (last 8 years) is my souuuul partner from heaven mate! Thank god.

SG69

8

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

I can agree there WandA defo but I myself couldn't be with someone and not be totally open with them but. . . .I am divorced and been around the block a few times you could say! That relationship I was in she did nothing but lie to me and cheat on me so maybe that's made me more so the way I am, which is lay your cards on the table and we'll go from there kinda guy!

The girl I'm with now (last 8 years) is my souuuul partner from heaven mate! Thank god. External Media

SG69

Glad its gone well for you SG!

I guess it boils down to compatability. I guess two liars often make a right. Who else would have them, and let them off off with their lies! I know some selfish bastards... who go really well with another selfish person! As I said, glad it worked for you SG!

9

Cheers Fella! Sounds like you've got a top girl there yourself!

SG69

10

WandA wrote:

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

Hmmm. . . .there should be no secrets at all in a successful relationship. Being open and honest from the onset is the key, then there will be no surprises and the choice of wether to stay in the said relationship can be made by either party.

SG69

But we at OA often find it easy to say that, what with our sexual liberation!

*long live the children of the revvvvooooolution etc...*

I do understand why some people keep things like that.

If your misses was Miss Firey Dragon then its would probably be alot harder to tell her. If she was completely unreasonable (for what ever reason, say religious reasons) then you have a choice of:

Doing it and upsetting her,

Stop doing something and resent it,

Or keep quiet.

Logically, it might be the answer that causes the least harm.

Tis a shame not everyone is as open minded! I'm not down playing the importance of honesty, I just think its alot easier to look at it through our successful relationships and forget that some people are just idiots, bigots, unreasonable etc and that honesty isn't always the best policy. External Media

I can understand your point, although I also think that if you're with a partner who's completely unwilling to compromise on something that you consider important then it might be worth considering whether you're really compatible!

Again though, that might just be my liberated stance. Regarding sex and everything else, me and my boyfriend have an agreement that we're able to say anything we need to to each other, no matter how hurtful it seems. We'd both rather know the truth than be protected by lies.

In this situation, I do think that it may have been a good idea for the husband to discuss the porn issue with his wife. I think that in a civilised conversation they may have been able to come to an agreement and address what seems to me like some pretty hefty insecurity issues!

I remember when my boyfriend and I just started dating. I knew he used to hang around at college before we went out on the top floor looking down on girls boobs lol. A few weeks into the relationship, he was at college one day without me, and he sent me a text saying he was looking at other girl's boobs and they were nothing compared to mine, he couldnt imagine their boobs being able to feed his children. Despite never having a relationship before, I found it quite liberating that we could be so completely open with each other that he could use looking at other girls' boobs as a compliment to me, and I was able to take it completely in that sense. I do not interpret him looking at other girls as a threat as many other women do, even when I should moreso! My boyfriend is polyamorist and into taking more than one partner, and yet I feel very secure over here.

11

Ecksvie wrote:

Again though, that might just be my liberated stance. Regarding sex and everything else, me and my boyfriend have an agreement that we're able to say anything we need to to each other, no matter how hurtful it seems. We'd both rather know the truth than be protected by lies.

In this situation, I do think that it may have been a good idea for the husband to discuss the porn issue with his wife. I think that in a civilised conversation they may have been able to come to an agreement and address what seems to me like some pretty hefty insecurity issues!

I remember when my boyfriend and I just started dating. I knew he used to hang around at college before we went out on the top floor looking down on girls boobs lol. A few weeks into the relationship, he was at college one day without me, and he sent me a text saying he was looking at other girl's boobs and they were nothing compared to mine. My boyfriend is polyamorist and into taking more than one partner, and yet I feel very secure over here.

We're pretty much the same, you gain a certain honesty and confidence in yourself from having such a strong trust.

As my girlfriend knows, I do sometimes sugar coat things but usually on when shes 'on' or such like she and won't burst into tears because I prefered the orange shoes to the red ones!

Well shes not that bad but I just find it hard to be honest in a emotional situation so I'll wait until things are relaxed again before we discuss it. I love having such a policy of honesty but I must be able to express it without emotionally blackmailing myself because it hurts to see her cry.

It does just sound like an insecurity issue for her, its a shame because the course of action they took didn't actually address that did it?

Hehe... I'm like that but with bums! A nice bum puts me on a rather nice thought path about my girls pert rump!

12

Me and my boyfriend have always been very open with each other, long before we were going out. We both decided early on that being honest was the only way of getting what you want and making sure the other person knows what you mean.

In the beginning of our relationship, I craved attention from my boyfriend, but he's not one for keeping in contact (not just with me, but everyone). It really pissed me off. We've agreed not to sugar coat stuff, but to say what we mean. Otherwise, I'd have ended up not getting the message across. "I REALLY love it when you text me", or "How come you don't text me that much?" doesnt have the same impact as "You dont text me enough and it really pisses me off sometimes". I told him that (more or less), and now he texts me more. Job done and because we're honest, neither of us take criticism as a personal attack, but rather advice on how to make the other one happier.

The agreement not to sugar coat stuff with us isn't to say we're open to say hurtful stuff to each other, but rather a policy to make sure the true meaning isn't lost in an attempt to spare the other's feelings. Not being able to express your feelings because you're worried about someone else's is no way to live.

13

I've never really had a problem with porn or my OH looking at girls. I know the difference between love and lust. While some porn stars may be a size 6 with perfect skin, etc I know that he'll only think of them if he was watching them. Porn can't cuddle with you afterwards or offer to get you a drink. As for other girls I use the "look but don't touch" rule. He can look and fancy other girls cause I know I'm the same with men (don't get me wrong I'm not staring at groins and he's not staring at breasts). I know he loves me and he knows I love him so some girl on the street with the nice arse will be soon forgotten.

14

am i the only person who thinks that maybe the therapist she sent him to so that he could get over his "addiction" should have said something? or maybe all he did was tell him how to hide it better!!

and in all honesty a child will never be disturbed by finding their parents porn stash. i vaguely remember seeing some when i didnt know what it was, so it wasnt anything interesting. and when i found my parents porn stash when i was around 14 i just thought "ewwwww my parents are into SEXXXXXXXX and stuff. ewwww!!!!!" but it wasnt disturbing as such. just the same reaction any teenager has on realising their parents still have sex (and that was no secret anyway, my mum is nearly as loud as me!!)

we need to start a campaign to make porn more socially acceptable!! x

15

poppy904 wrote:


we need to start a campaign to make porn more socially acceptable!! x

To be honest theres alot of mainstream porn I wouldn't want socially acceptable!

16

WandA wrote:

poppy904 wrote:


we need to start a campaign to make porn more socially acceptable!! x

To be honest theres alot of mainstream porn I wouldn't want socially acceptable!

like??? x

17

poppy904 wrote:

WandA wrote:

poppy904 wrote:


we need to start a campaign to make porn more socially acceptable!! x

To be honest theres alot of mainstream porn I wouldn't want socially acceptable!

like??? x

A lot of it gives out the wrong message...

If you pound her face 'til she almost throws up, she'll love it!

Anal should be hard and fast

All girls love arse to mouth cock...

You never need to turn her on, she'll be dripping as soon as the condoms on!

Not all porn... I just think the industry keeps trying to be a little bit more extreme.

18

point taken!! x

19

WandA wrote:

poppy904 wrote:

WandA wrote:

poppy904 wrote:


we need to start a campaign to make porn more socially acceptable!! x

To be honest theres alot of mainstream porn I wouldn't want socially acceptable!

like??? x

A lot of it gives out the wrong message...

If you pound her face 'til she almost throws up, she'll love it!

Anal should be hard and fast

All girls love arse to mouth cock...

You never need to turn her on, she'll be dripping as soon as the condoms on!

Not all porn... I just think the industry keeps trying to be a little bit more extreme.

I completely agree WandA!

I love porn, and I'm all for having it as part of relationship... but I do think there's a job to be done in protecting the ender-educated from it. I think it can give young people a very warped (and sometimes unhealthy) view of what sex is actually LIKE.

That said, I think it can *also* be a good tool for young people to educate themselves about sex, see how to do certain things... but a line needs to be firmly drawn between real sex and porn sex, because they really have no correlation at all.

As for the attitude that watching porn in a relationship is wrong - it's sadly one that's prevalent out there. Many, many women view it as cheating and don't see that it's just a tool people use for masturbation, in the same was a vibrator is. I think that if a partner of mine was uncomfortable with me watching porn, I'd do my best to make him understand why I use it... but ultimately, if it was a dealbreaker for him, I'd give it up. It really is just a masturbatory aid at the end of the day!

20

I wouldnt want the actual watching of porn to be socially acceptable, but I'd like the taboo of it to be so that you're not branded some kind of pervert or something for watching it. I'd still keep it something to be done in private, but it would be in private out of respect for other people rather than "nobody must know I'm watching this!"