We love each other , and have a god marriage . I'd marry her again ,in a heartbeat , but it just doesn't feel like she enjoys sex . I have to admit ,to being a bit "adventerous " , and love domination games . Sometimes she indulges me , but lately , it's got less and less . It feels like she just wants to have "normal" sex , finish it , and that's it . We tried to have sex the other night , she refused to to anything , even slightly "kinky" , and I just couldn't "get it up" . She was upset , because she felt that she "wasn't good enough" , and then , began crying because she "Has a fat , ugly body " ( which is total nonsense , I love her body , it turns me on like mad ) I'm feeling now ,that sex is finished , and I'm just going to have to "go solo" ( I have no intention of having an affair , btw , I'l put pins in my eyes first ) . I find it all depressing , and wonder what te point is of carrying on anymore . I've trried talking , but (a is very common in these cases ) she just says that she likes sex , and will do the kinky stuff "later " ( always "later" ) Nearly 60 , and is this it ? Sorry to dump on you lot like this . I'm just having a moan
Thank you . Maybe it's just a "phase" . We've been married for 10 years , and sex has been ok . I guess we all have our "off days" . I don't blame her for my inability to get an errection , btw , it's down to me . Things just don't work "down there" , like they used to . My sex drive isn't like it used to be ( she's the only woman that gives me an errection ! ) . Getting older has it's good points , but it also has some massive bad points . Thanks again , for your reply . It's always good to get a woman's ont of view
Unfortunately people’s tastes change.... maybe she’s not into kinky stuff anymore and simply now enjoys vanilla? Have a talk with her. Most important thing right now is to let her know she’s beautiful regardless of body weight because calling herself fat and ugly rings alarm bells that maybe she has some self esteem issues there that hasn’t been addressed. But if it’s down to not being into kinky stuff anymore then sadly you can’t do much about it. Sex can still be enjoyable without being kinky, it’s about having that emotional connection, enjoying and exploring each other’s bodies.
Think it must be harder for a man to "perform" if he really gets off from kinky sex to then have to go back to "vanilla"...Once you go down that path it's very hard to then go back.
Thanks , all of you , for the advice . Plenty of "food for thought" here . Maybe a "vanilla" session may not be a bad idea . let's hope I can "get it up" , because I've been having problems in that area for a while now :-(
Thinking outside the box and away from the relationship question - If you have not done it already go and see your GP regarding erectile dysfunction to make sure there are no other underlying health issues and what if anything can or needs to be done mate.
For the record - I had not fully appreciated how stress and tone of voice can have a huge impact upon communication in a relationship until recently.
Good luck
I think Curvy Jilly 34F has probably hit the nail on the head, so to speak. People change overtime and it is all about understanding and taking time. I think talking about where you both are now will help, it often requires a little bit of give and take on both sides. Good Luck.CurvyJilly34F wrote:
Think it must be harder for a man to "perform" if he really gets off from kinky sex to then have to go back to "vanilla"...Once you go down that path it's very hard to then go back.
Heya! I’m so sorry you are experiencing this, I would say that although I don’t understand the situation completely, I have had a similar experience before... I am in my 30s and very happily married, but for a couple of years really struggled with depression and this in turn impacted my self esteem and therefore also my sex drive. Is it possible that there is something else upsetting her? In my experience the most important and erotic sex organ in women is the kind and if your head is not into it, the body won’t be either. One thing that worked for me once I got help to deal with my depression was to invest in a couple of bits of lingerie that really flattered my body. They gave me the confidence to feel sexy again and this in turn also increased my libido. I got one of the collection boxes in queen size and it was a revelation for me because it had things that I would have never bought for myself but which I discovered made me look and feel fabulous. Chat with your wife and maybe if feeling adventurous surprise her! Good luck! PS: I think once you KNOW she is into the sex your downstairs will probably start working fine, I just think that you are probably putting pressure on yourself as well... and if not a little blue pill can do wonders
Hey Weeradge ( and hello all) .
In regards to things not working so well down below, I'll reitterate what others have said regarding talking to your doctor. I have been needing a little help from little blue pills for a while now, which frustrates me, but recently had some other medical issues including low blood pressure and very low iron levels. There were other symptoms as well which meant me having a colonoscopy.
They found and removed 5 polyps, which is all good. At the same time as my admission for that procedure, my doctor ordered an iron infusion (because I was so low in iron, normal supplements wouldn't be sufficient.) Any way, I'm telling you abou this because after the proceedure and iron infusion, things have been a lot better erection wise, including needing the blue pills a lot less.
The point I'm making in all this is that a visit and talk to the GP & general checkup is a worthwhile thing. I had put my needing blue pills down to getting older (now 52yrs) and being generally run down and tired from being always on the go, but indeed there was an underlying issue that was actually causing me to feel that way.
All the best!
Great post Peggly and thanks for sharing!
Thanks PCC :)
Perhaps she's looking for more intimate and less "kinky" - sometimes (most of the time) what works for women is attention, affection, lots of kissing and kind words. It doesn't have to be all "fun stuff" every time, and by the sounds of it you really do love her so make her feeeel that love and have no doubt in her mind that you love everything about her. Best of luck!
Thank you for all your responses . I took on board these comments , and decided that maybe the "kinky" was getting oring for her . I can understand that fully . Maybe she was feeling that the kink was more important than she was to me . Now , for the "happy ending " ( Literally ) My wife went to get her hair done ,the other day . She came back ,and it looked stunning . I told her how sexy it looked , and said I might just **** her there and then . She said that if I felt like that , I'd better get up those stairs quickly . I did . I laid in the bed , she came in ,and slowly stripped off , got into the bed and .....well , we're all grown ups here so use your imaginations !!! Sometimes, a good old fashioned ****** can work wonders ! Thanks again , all of you
Ah, the wonders of a good hair cut and a compliment! Glad you got it sorted!!
Glad it all worked itself out. Best of luck to you both.Weeradge wrote:
Thank you for all your responses . I took on board these comments , and decided that maybe the "kinky" was getting oring for her . I can understand that fully . Maybe she was feeling that the kink was more important than she was to me . Now , for the "happy ending " ( Literally ) My wife went to get her hair done ,the other day . She came back ,and it looked stunning . I told her how sexy it looked , and said I might just **** her there and then . She said that if I felt like that , I'd better get up those stairs quickly . I did . I laid in the bed , she came in ,and slowly stripped off , got into the bed and .....well , we're all grown ups here so use your imaginations !!! Sometimes, a good old fashioned ****** can work wonders ! Thanks again , all of you
1) definition of kinky stuff, what are they?
2) how much is your wife's involvement?
3) is being or seeing kinky stuff gives you errction only?
4) Do you masturbate?
5) and lastly, how old are you?
Thanks.
My definition of "kinky " ( at least my kink) is mainly , female domination . To be humiliated , kept in chastity ,and made to serve . I am ashamed of my kink , and feel uncomfortable talking about it Sometimes my wife plays along , about 1 in 4 times . I don't really get erections out of looking at stuff( sometimes I do ) It's usually if we're "getting doen to it " ( vanilla or kinky ) Yes , I masturbate :-( I'm mid 50's
It sounds like your wife might be feeling unconfident about her body, and a bit daunted by things you want to try?
Maybe you are going in different directions and need to meet in the middle for a while. She is unlikely to want to explore kinks if she feels 'fat and ugly'.
I could be wrong. But going back to basics, taking a long time arousing her and maybe going towards romantic rather than raunchy could help? Pretty lingerie, massage oil, telling her how much you love her, taking your time - would any of that help?
Thanks for responding to my queries. I was reminded of my hub and I who were deep into bondage sex. Unless I played naughty, got punished into sucking him, he will never get an erection. Other times I had to dress up like a slut, exposing my undies inducing him as a "customer" to take me to the bed and blow him off. He's always my "hot client" and I'm obliged to give him a good blow job. Hence I understand your situation.Weeradge wrote:
My definition of "kinky " ( at least my kink) is mainly , female domination . To be humiliated , kept in chastity ,and made to serve . I am ashamed of my kink , and feel uncomfortable talking about it Sometimes my wife plays along , about 1 in 4 times . I don't really get erections out of looking at stuff( sometimes I do ) It's usually if we're "getting doen to it " ( vanilla or kinky ) Yes , I masturbate :-( I'm mid 50's
Hub used to masturbate often but with a wand vibrator. His frequent masturbations helped to speed up erection in his case. Unfortunately as he aged he was diagnosed with ED. He started the blue pills at 64. The pills worked for us for many years and we had very happy sex life together.
Come to think about it, if he had not gone for a full body check up, he could had missed his ED.
At mid 50s I believe you are still active regardless of the kink in you, be it dominantion and/or humiliation, however it's good to check for ED too. Knowing your condition also gives you confident to play.
If your partner has lost interest in the kink stuff, there is really nothing you could do. Love her gently instead. You never know how she may go with you once again. Good luck.