Question for Bondage Lovers

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Ive always wondered about bondage, not the act its self, but the people who like it.

Some fetishes are as a simple as “i have a fetish for Asian women” and others are more extreme.

What I would like to know is at what point does enjoying a fetish as an extension of your sex life become something more addictive in that you cannot become sexually aroused without it?

Ie: bondage for example: Can you enjoy bondage on a superficial level as in “lets play around tonight for a change” or is it a compulsion you cant control. I know there is a distinction between a fetish for tights and an extreme fetish for say sexual gratification from a car. But where is the line?

Are some fetishes like a drug in which once you start you cant stop or are born with or is it more a case that those with what would be classed as an extreme fetish have some kind of mental dysfunction that stops them from enjoying a “normal” (couldnt think of a better word, apologys) sex life?

Id be really interested to hear people who are into bondage or any fetish really have to say, its always been a area that fascinates me.

2

That´s a loaded question! You would have to define what is classified as a"fetish"first, and that of couse is infinate.People all have varied ideas of what is a fetish and it is inherrently different in each individual. Is there a line? Obviously if it´s something the other participant(s) are uncomfortable then the answer would be yes.I have a fetish about being caned on my hands, have had it since I was a small girl, but it has nothing to do with my sexual gratification, if it never happened again I could live, but it´s something I enjoy. When a fetish becomes a compulsion you can´t control than that can be dangerous.

3

of course fetishes is a very vague term. you could say you like tea, so therefore its a fetish heh.

you yourself are into BDSM yea? is it something you could just stop one day and never go back to or is it such a part of you that you couldnt stop even if it did become compulsive?

4

Yes I could just stop it, I would miss it like hell though. I don´t feel the need to indulge in it every single time I have sex either, although I know many who do and I know a few who couldn´t give it up as that would be like telling them to stop breathing.Sometimes I don´t even want the sex, I enjoy Domming my man and seeing him get off. I just see it as an additional facet of my sex life, and one I am passionate about. xx

you should try it ;)

5

fet·ish also fet·ich (ftsh, ftsh)

n. 1. An object that is believed to have magical or spiritual powers, especially such an object associated with animistic or shamanistic religious practices. 2. An object of unreasonably excessive attention or reverence: made a fetish of punctuality. 3. Something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification. 4. An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.

mrbumps wrote:

of course fetishes is a very vague term. you could say you like tea, so therefore its a fetish heh.

No. This isn't right at all. A fetish isn't merely a liking for something, see the definition above (definitions 3 and 4 are the ones that are relevant to the sexual context).

BDSM isn't the same as a fetish, it's a bracket term for a variety of alternative kinds of sexual play. You could have a fetish for, say, whips, and not be interested in being bound at all, or enjoy submission without any interest in sadism/masochism/pain play.

I think most people would say that enjoying some alternative types of sex play, be that BDSM, swinging, sploshing, or whatever, does not prevent you enjoying "vanilla" sex too. If the fetish or practice becomes compulsive and all consuming, then it would be described as a paraphilia, rather than a fetish. A paraphilia is defined as

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or persons associated with him or her. A paraphilia involves sexual arousal and gratification towards sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme.

I hope that makes things a little clearer.

SS xx

6

SweetSubmission wrote:

fet·ish also fet·ich (ftsh, ftsh)

n. 1. An object that is believed to have magical or spiritual powers, especially such an object associated with animistic or shamanistic religious practices. 2. An object of unreasonably excessive attention or reverence: made a fetish of punctuality. 3. Something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification. 4. An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.

mrbumps wrote:

of course fetishes is a very vague term. you could say you like tea, so therefore its a fetish heh.

No. This isn't right at all. A fetish isn't merely a liking for something, see the definition above (definitions 3 and 4 are the ones that are relevant to the sexual context).

BDSM isn't the same as a fetish, it's a bracket term for a variety of alternative kinds of sexual play. You could have a fetish for, say, whips, and not be interested in being bound at all, or enjoy submission without any interest in sadism/masochism/pain play.

I think most people would say that enjoying some alternative types of sex play, be that BDSM, swinging, sploshing, or whatever, does not prevent you enjoying "vanilla" sex too. If the fetish or practice becomes compulsive and all consuming, then it would be described as a paraphilia, rather than a fetish. A paraphilia is defined as

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or persons associated with him or her. A paraphilia involves sexual arousal and gratification towards sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme.

I hope that makes things a little clearer.

SS xx

errr, no not really. if i wanted a definition i would of googled it myself, which i did. what i wanted was an individual take it

thanks tho

Miss Behaviour wrote:

Yes I could just stop it, I would miss it like hell though. I don´t feel the need to indulge in it every single time I have sex either, although I know many who do and I know a few who couldn´t give it up as that would be like telling them to stop breathing.Sometimes I don´t even want the sex, I enjoy Domming my man and seeing him get off. I just see it as an additional facet of my sex life, and one I am passionate about. xx

you should try it ;)

so for you it is just something else in a wide range of sexual acts you engage in but are in way consumed by it but you are aware of people that it becomes all consuming off.

7

Yes

No

Yes

and FWIW I think SS did a great job of explaining it better than me, Nice work Lady xx

8

Eh. I dont think either me or my OH have any fetish as defined by SS. There are things which turns us more than others, as we enjoy them, but considering we dont need them to gain sexual enjoyment (we dont do it all the time, as it is more enjoyable when we do it) and I think my OH is still amased how much I enjoy getting spanked, I dont get spanked more than twice a month, I can gain enjoyment all the time while with him without it.

9

Miss Behaviour wrote:

Yes

No

Yes

and FWIW I think SS did a great job of explaining it better than me, Nice work Lady xx

lots of information which is always a good thing but too i wasnt able to get the individual first hand point of view from that information, the one thing science teaches us is that lab results like the definition of what a fetish is can only tell how it is classified in scientific terms, not rather how individual perception of said subject is viewed in or out of context.

i would say your response explained the subject on a personal level much more accurately

edit: ive just read through my previous comment and it seems that the internets ability to not convay true entent has struck again ; ;

i didnt mean for it to come off ungrateful or rude, i was just trying to convey that that wasnt the information i was looking for if that makes any sense ; ;

10

Perfectly! I must admit I had never viewed the definition of fetishism through the concept of science.. You learn something new everyday lol!

11

"ikink" ? whats that, a new product by apple?

i want one!

"introducing the new ikink, its your little secret"

12

mrbumps wrote:

"ikink" ? whats that, a new product by apple?

i want one!

"introducing the new ikink, its your little secret"

LOL...me too, is it available in black?

13

ok, hmmmm maybe i worded this all wrong. lets remove the word fetish and use defferent forms of BDSM for example.

lets say spanking, not for any reason its just the first thing that comes into my head. what it is about spanking that arouses you sexually? most psychologists would say the need to be spanked would of likely come from childhood. but what is it about the act that is appealing? if you were to brake it down into its component parts and examine each section would you be able see the exact reason behind the attraction?

for example: break down of spanking:

  • dominate

  • inflict pain/pleasure

  • /recive pain/pleasure

  • texture of skin hitting skin at high speed/blunt instrument hitting skin at high speed

  • ripple of flesh after bring struck/feel of hand after striking

  • position of recipient ie: sexy suggestive position

  • audible satisfaction

theres properly allot more components of the act but i cant think of any at the moment. which ones would you say are the key factors to your enjoyment of the act?

Heh, this really is autism at work lol trying to understand something but thinking about it in simple uncomplicated terms heh

14

Well, I do enjoy a bit of pain mixed with pleasure, which is one reason why. I also enjoy the fact the partner is in control for that moment, but there is also component of trust, very deep trust, that he will not hurt me too much and he would stop any moment I ask him. And yes, the position is very suggestive as well. I think it is hard to explain why exactly in details. There is lot to it

15

Laveila wrote:

Well, I do enjoy a bit of pain mixed with pleasure, which is one reason why. I also enjoy the fact the partner is in control for that moment, but there is also component of trust, very deep trust, that he will not hurt me too much and he would stop any moment I ask him. And yes, the position is very suggestive as well. I think it is hard to explain why exactly in details. There is lot to it

yea true. hmmm, like i enjoy spanking my OH, i do it all the time and if i was to break it down id be able to see the exact reasons behind it.

  • i like bums

  • the shape of her bum reminds me of a peach, i like peaches

  • the texture of my hand changes once ive spanked her hard, from soft to ridigd

  • my skin feels tingly and sore, which in tern feels nice because of the pain

  • the sound is appealing to me, i especially like it when she wears cotton underwear as i like the soft feel of this against my skin and the sound of the slap is muffled compared to a bare hand

  • the sound she makes is sexual to me even if its a non sexual sound like a cry or shriek

  • the feel of her bum that spilt second of the spank, the rounded edge, soft and supple but also firm feel against my hand.

a combinations of these reasons are why i enjoy doing it and all these reasons come into my head each and every time i do it whereas the avg person simply does it because they enjoy it and doesnt think about it. i need to think about the reasons behind the act otherwise i cant understand it or enjoy it if that makes sense,

which is why ive asked people about their "fetishes" for lack of a better word. a combination of personal answers will allow me to cross reference those with what I know from studying the definitions and scientific/psychological data and come up with a understanding of the act as a basic concept form

16

"understanding of the act as a basic concept form"

mrbumps, I am not sure that will be possible. There are just so many randoms involved, its way too individualist to be compartmentalised, IMHO anyway.But for you, here are mine,

Spanking, Cutting, Branding,Bondage -I like to have the power, I relish the trust my partner affords me.

One of the things I love most is the tenderness after a really hefty session. Tracing the welts, softy kissing the burns, bruises and cuts. Its like looking at a map of pleasure of what has gone on before, and I find that unbearably exciting.

My fetish for gloves and heels--well that´s purely aesthetical

I hope this helps in some small way*shrugs* xx

17

Miss Behaviour wrote:

"understanding of the act as a basic concept form"

mrbumps, I am not sure that will be possible. There are just so many randoms involved, its way too individualist to be compartmentalised, IMHO anyway.But for you, here are mine,

Spanking, Cutting, Branding,Bondage -I like to have the power, I relish the trust my partner affords me.

One of the things I love most is the tenderness after a really hefty session. Tracing the welts, softy kissing the burns, bruises and cuts. Its like looking at a map of pleasure of what has gone on before, and I find that unbearably exciting.

My fetish for gloves and heels--well that´s purely aesthetical

I hope this helps in some small way*shrugs* xx

heh, youd be suprised what someone who thinks of everything in simple terms can compartmentalise

and yes, very much! helps allot!

18

you kidding, your making perfect sense /nod!

i would say given a predisposition to balloons popping the act of someone else taking over the control of the popping would translate not as fear but as excitement no? having relinquished control of the act you are then free to enjoy it on a basic level, whether consciously or subconsciously your brain would possibly translate the fear of the act into anticipation/excitement and with a rush of adrenalin and endorphins that would come with that one could expect to experience a sexual thrill from it and its probable that that could translate to any other act given the same parameters and conditions are involved.

what we know: fear is one of the strongest emotions being that its one of our predatory and survival instincts, we know that you go into a hyperarosal state brought on by a variety of factors like pain, excitement, love, orgasm, exercise, spicy food.

the really interesting thing is that endorphins can be closely related to opiates because of the rate of which it is absorbed into the system. its a quick high.


so (erg, long winded i know, sorry) as long as something falls into the parameters of the key factors of a hyperarosal state then its safe to say, discluding psychological/environmental/sociological triggers then its highly probable that anyone could be aroused by anything as long as the conditions coincide with the triggers of hyperarosal no matter what the personal feels towards the subject matter may be.

The hard part comes when you consider that the percentage of people who are able to accurately translate a feel to the correct emotion is very low. IE: pain being translated as pleasure (which is normally related to a brain dysfunction)

i think you explained it very well about the looning example and i get a sense you already knew the anwser to your own question.
now if a big part of the thrill of looning is from the participation in the act then by having someone else take over that act in place of yourself, then surely it becomes a whole new act all together yes?

19

I'm sorry you didn't find my response helpful MrBumps, but it was my personal take on the matter. Perhaps it may seem a little bookish to others but I'm someone who likes to know they've really researched and understood something before giving an opinion. I think the definitions are genuinely interesting, and I do think they are relevant to your question - a fetish ceases to be a fetish if it becomes dangerouly all consuming, as it then becomes something else. I think AA's description of a kind of lower level of affinity for something as a kink rather than a full blown fetish is helpful too. That's what I'd say the majority of people have - a kink for spanking, or stockings, or handcuffs, or foodie sex etc etc (or all of the above!) As AA pointed out, true fetishism is actually very very rare.

If I'm really honest, your original post seemed to me, as Miss B said, extremely loaded and that made me feel a little uncomfortable. I wanted to reply to try and set the record straight a little bit, because I didn't like the implication that everyone who enjoyed any kind of bondage was in danger of somehow losing control of their sexual urges and descending into deviancy. You can probably tell from my username that I am someone who enjoys a style of sex that would come under the BDSM umbrella, and I felt that I might be judged if I spelt out too many of the specifics of our sex life on this particular thread, but what I said in my previous post was based on my own experiences with my OH and with all my previous partners over the years, and is very much my own view. That is that enjoying some alternative types of sex play, be that BDSM, swinging, sploshing, or whatever, does not prevent you enjoying "vanilla" sex too.

I think there are two levels of "need" here. My kink is for submission rather than bondage specifically. Although sometimes that involves spanking, cuffs, and other paraphernalia, sometimes it is just about giving myself to my partner completely, and allowing myself to be controlled by his touch, his voice, or even just a look. It's a psychological phenomenon, definitely, rather than being about a specific physical sensation or object fetish. I have an extremely high pressure career where I have to take on a huge amount of decision making responsibility, and I don't think you need to be Freud to see that it has something to do with escapism from that.

I would say that, at the moment, I do need to indulge this kink sometimes in order to feel completely happy and at ease. However, I doubt I will always feel like that, and crucially I absolutely do not need to experience it every time we have sex. In fact, I can positively say I would hate that. Sometimes our sex is sleepy and gentle, sometimes giggly and silly, sometimes it's an urgent lunchtime quicke, sometimes a tipsy fumble, sometimes he initiates it, sometimes I do... I would actually say I need all of these types of sex, as well as our occasional kinkier sessions. They're all part of our relationship and our lives together that I would be really really sad to go without.

I'm not sure if I've given you the answers you want - I'm not sure why, but you seem to be looking for a precise tipping point when a kink gets out of control, and I don't think that exists as a quantifiable entity - but I am being very honest and open, as I always am on these forums, so please be gentle.

SS xx

20

SS , again, very concise and well written response.

The trouble with the original post was the slant on "mental dysfunction" that I took objection to, but with the posts that followed it was obvious that mrbumps had worded his query wrong, and that is ok, I am sure we have all made a hash of things we wanted to say sometimes.

The psychology of sex is very complex, but that´s what makes it so interesting :)