I am getting fed up at the moment my wife never seems to be in the mood for sex. We seem to be having sex less than once a month, we have a one year old which is one dampener the others seem to be that my wife hasn't lost the baby weight, and finally she has lost ALL her hair with little sign of it growing back. So what can I do that doesn't seem like pressuring her isn't to contrived or easily ruined by baby waking, we've had nights to our selves but are more likely to go to sleep than do anything sexual.
There was a thread a while ago about this:
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/736362-sexlife-stuck-in-a-rut/
The hair loss is obviously an additional factor. I have no idea what causes this, but is it pointing to additional stress? Also, one of the key things for us is that the OH finds herself attractive, which is going to be a much bigger hurdle for you. Bizarrely, me finding her attractive doesn't count, she has to find herself attractive.
The problem seems to be any plan ends up screwing up we haven't had any date nights but have a couple of nights away booked with my current luck they will coincide with her period.
Massages seem to be out as they are viewed as suspect attempts at getting sex. It really feels at times as though she is happy without sex and any moves to talk about it or try and instigate seem to be viewed as me being obsessed with sex- well wouldn't you be of you feel like you have a limited number of opportunities and if you miss one that's it.
I agree with Chelsea
As you may know, women tend to get into the mood, or the right frame of mind, in their minds first, followed by their body. We just require a lot more mental stimulation first (Not all women, but a high proportion of us) now, what that means unfortunately, is if we are not feeling sexy (And it is understandable after a baby and with your wife losing her hair) then we struggle to FEEL sexy at all. If we don't feel sexy mentally, we just don't feel sexy at all.
I would probably communicate with her, less about sex directly, but more about how she feels and how you can help her feel better, more relaxed, more confident, less stressed etc. The biggest killers of our sex drives, especially after a baby or an illness that changes our appreance, is exhaustion, stress, low self confidence, depression even. If you can help her get past some of these feelings then her drive may start to come back.
Like Chelsea said, I think communication patience and time will resolve this. Especially if she knows she has her guy by her side, not going anywhere and loving her.
My friend, having a baby is a massive ordeal for our ladies. It can confuse the whole body and mind with hormones etc and it doesn't stop at childbirth. With all the added traumatic extras she is dealing with what she needs is your love, support and no extra pressure. Sex is a by-product of a relationship, give her attention of the supporting and compassion type at a time that she really needs it. I went many many many months without any sexual behaviour between the two of us. Both sexes can self satisfy if we need to, be patient.
Hi shy perv - it sounds as though your wife has lost her confidence which is totally understandable. Loosing her hair must be very traumatic for her. I agree with LH Chelsea - you really must talk to her about how she is feeling. Pamper her with a romantic dinner, massage, bath etc. Really talk to her and tell her that you are there for her and that you understand how hard things are for her. She sounds like she needs a lot of support right now.
I also just looked up hair loss and preganancy on the net and it sounds as though it will grow back - this is one comment I found from netdoctor:
Hair loss after delivery is very common, particularly between three and nine months after birth.
The reason for this is that during pregnancy there is a change in the normal pattern of hair growth and loss, resulting in much less hair being lost than usual. At about three months after delivery the hair follicles, which have been in an extended phase of growth, change to a shedding phase.
The result can be a significant thinning of the hair, but no treatment is required and after another four to six months the usual balance of hair growth and loss will be re-established. Sometimes the hair loss can be more marked in one area, but bald patches do not tend to occur. Several medical conditions can cause hair loss (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/anaemiafolicacid.htm and http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/hypothyroidism.htm, for example) so if you are feeling unwell in any way it would be worth talking to your GP about it.
I hope this helps Hun :) xx
shy perv wrote:
The problem seems to be any plan ends up screwing up we haven't had any date nights but have a couple of nights away booked with my current luck they will coincide with her period.
Massages seem to be out as they are viewed as suspect attempts at getting sex. It really feels at times as though she is happy without sex and any moves to talk about it or try and instigate seem to be viewed as me being obsessed with sex- well wouldn't you be of you feel like you have a limited number of opportunities and if you miss one that's it.
Maybe your wife senses that sex is at the foerfront of what you want her for? Sorry but when you wrote "We have a few nights away planned" and then added "Knowing my luck, it will fall on her period" this just made me feel like the only thing you are looking forward to, or hoping to achieve from these nights away, is sex. What about bonding? Relaxation together away from the baby? Chatting about stuff and having a laugh together? Sharing a time together when you can both be you and her again rather than mum and dad? Those are all important and enjoyable aspects of going away with your partner and strengthening your relationship, your friendship. I do understand where you are coming from. I am a highly sexed person and I would be frustrated if I were in a similar situation, but this is one of those times in a relationship where the men are seperated from the boys (Term of phase, I am not insinuating you are less of a man, what I mean by this is you have a choice, to try and slowly resolve the issue, help pleasure, and support your lady right now, or you can let the frustration over run you. Trust me, women sense things, even things you don't say, and if she senses you are unhappy with the lack of sex, but doesn't feel that you are upset about the lack of time together, loving time etc, she will begin to assume that's all you are after and hence the feelings she has about "suspect attempts" at sex. She is beginning to think the only time you want to give her affection/love and attention is when you want an orgasm. That knocks womens confidence even more and especially so after a baby when we need to know our partners are our rocks, there with us helping to support us. If that makes sense?
shy perv wrote:
I am getting fed up at the moment my wife never seems to be in the mood for sex. We seem to be having sex less than once a month, we have a one year old which is one dampener the others seem to be that my wife hasn't lost the baby weight, and finally she has lost ALL her hair with little sign of it growing back. So what can I do that doesn't seem like pressuring her isn't to contrived or easily ruined by baby waking, we've had nights to our selves but are more likely to go to sleep than do anything sexual.
My bold. Your wife as lost her hair and your fed up about not getting sex? Compare these two things, perhaps one is more important than the other, perhaps one of you needs to get over their problem first... heres a hint; its not the one with hair loss.
I know the feeling of thinking every move hubby makes is an attempt at sex, I go through phases of extremely low libido that frustrate him. During these phases my husband turns to porn, masturbates in his private time and time with me is not about sex at all. When I come out of my funk we move from there.
Maybe this isn't going to be a short term situation, regardless; without removing the additional pressure of you sexual needs from her list of worries things will not improve.
Good luck.
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Spot on Fluffbags and that definitely does make sense :-)Fluffbags wrote:
shy perv wrote:
The problem seems to be any plan ends up screwing up we haven't had any date nights but have a couple of nights away booked with my current luck they will coincide with her period.
Massages seem to be out as they are viewed as suspect attempts at getting sex. It really feels at times as though she is happy without sex and any moves to talk about it or try and instigate seem to be viewed as me being obsessed with sex- well wouldn't you be of you feel like you have a limited number of opportunities and if you miss one that's it.
Maybe your wife senses that sex is at the foerfront of what you want her for? Sorry but when you wrote "We have a few nights away planned" and then added "Knowing my luck, it will fall on her period" this just made me feel like the only thing you are looking forward to, or hoping to achieve from these nights away, is sex. What about bonding? Relaxation together away from the baby? Chatting about stuff and having a laugh together? Sharing a time together when you can both be you and her again rather than mum and dad? Those are all important and enjoyable aspects of going away with your partner and strengthening your relationship, your friendship. I do understand where you are coming from. I am a highly sexed person and I would be frustrated if I were in a similar situation, but this is one of those times in a relationship where the men are seperated from the boys (Term of phase, I am not insinuating you are less of a man, what I mean by this is you have a choice, to try and slowly resolve the issue, help pleasure, and support your lady right now, or you can let the frustration over run you. Trust me, women sense things, even things you don't say, and if she senses you are unhappy with the lack of sex, but doesn't feel that you are upset about the lack of time together, loving time etc, she will begin to assume that's all you are after and hence the feelings she has about "suspect attempts" at sex. She is beginning to think the only time you want to give her affection/love and attention is when you want an orgasm. That knocks womens confidence even more and especially so after a baby when we need to know our partners are our rocks, there with us helping to support us. If that makes sense?
well i didn't want sex after my baby at all. it was about 18mths-2yrs before i regularly wanted sex again. combined with your wife's hairloss i would say her libido is at rock bottom. its going to take time to fix.
i'm afraid yoou're going to have to talk, re engage with her emotions and just put up with the lack of sex for a while. be an understanding husband. being a mum/parent is the hardest job in the world.
perhaps you could do all the baby duties one saturday and send her off to spa for the day with her friend. do nice things for her.
i'm sure her libido will come back, its most likely linked to her new body shape/size and lack of hair.
hang in there
Have only read OP, so sorry if this is repeating what has already been said; but what contraception (if any) is your wife using?
We have given up using all contraception apart from condoms as anything with hormones completely destroys her interest in sex. She's tried numerous types of pill, an implant and injections and all of them have resulted in dry patches in our sex lives. We thought the copper coil would answer our prayers but this resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. Obviously different people react differently to each of the options out there, but maybe she could try talking to her GP about changing contraception
I would agree with most of the other responses here. Your poor wife is dealing with the worrying effects of hair loss as well as the demands of a baby. She is probably exhausted and may very well be happy to "go without" sex at the moment. She may subconsciously be concerned about another possible pregnancy, probably feels unattractive ( though I'm sure she isn't) all contributing to her not being in the mood for sex.
I have been in her position (without the hair loss) and nothing my poor OH did or said made a difference to how I felt about myself; I just thought he was wanting sex and I didn't. Then I felt guilty about it which made things worse.
We didn't talk about it and it nearly destroyed our relationship. So my advice is try to talk about it but remember that the dynamic in your relationship has changed; there is a baby to consider in this too. Be very tactful and patient; consider her needs, try to relax about sex and settle for cuddles at the moment. The more you push for sex the more disappointed you will feel if it doesn't happen and the more she may resent things. Try to build on your relationship as a couple and a family.
I hope your wife's hair grows back really soon and wish you both well. x
I can't add any more to what everyone else has said because it's the same advice I would give. They're all spot on. Good luck and I hope it all gets sorted for you
I can't believe you posted that your poor wife has lost all of her hair and struggling with her weight and you are wondering why she doesn't feel like having sex....
Men will never understand how important our hair can be to women, and weight aswell sometimes.
Having kids is tough, when my first boy was born I was fine... but once he was about 6-8 months old and started being more aware of his surroundings I didn't wanna do anything, EVER!!
Give it time, and make her feel special, but stop expecting sex - she can feel your tension and it will only make her feel worse.
No offence shy perv but you need to think about you wife and how she's feeling and less about your chances of having sex. Has your wife seen anyone about her hair loss? I can understand your frustration but a little sensitivity on your part wouldn't go amiss.
Apologies if that sounds a little harsh.
Feel for you. My mother lost her hair through stress at work and it took me 3 years to understand her emotions. Women and hair is a big issue. You will get through this as a couple. Heart goes out to you both x.
Hi Shy Perv
I have recently been through a similar situation with my hubby. After a fairly healthy start to our sex life, family, work and taking each other for granted took its toll and we found ourselves lucky to have sex once a month! Any sex we did have became just that quick intercourse with no foreplay and I began to resent that. Eventually we had to sit down and fully discuss how we both felt. For me ( and I think a lot of women) foreplay is very important, whereas for hubby his pleasure is mainly in the direct intercourse, it has taken me a few years to finally get him to understand just how important foreplay is. I need to be turned on mentally and physically, his straight in to sex approach was making me feel like an object and I needed to feel desired. Him taking the time to show me he desired me before intercourse was central to me enjoying/wating sex at all. I need at least ten minutes of gentle foreplay before I am remotely ready for intercourse.
You need to ask your wife to discuss your sex life openly and honestly, you both need to let each other know what each of you think could be done to improve the situation. Also a period does not have to stop you being intimate with each other and the fact that you won't be having intercourse may help you focus on appreciating each other more. It may also help if you agree not to have intercourse while you are away so you can focus on the intimacy of your relationship, possibly limiting yourselves to kissing and heavy petting!