Seeking Advice On Taking My First Slave: My Wife!

My wife and I have been together for a long time. We like spanking, we've done very light bondage, but we've decided we are ready to pursue a BDSM lifestyle and delve much deeper than ever before. She is ready to give herself to me completely and I want to take everything she's offering.

I'm running into some confusion, however. We have a strong relationship and communicate well, but we also have ways of doing things that are long-established, almost reflexive. As we have been trying scenes, there's awkwardness inherent from the changes in our tones of voice that are less familiar, new words our tongues aren't used to saying.

Can anyone give any advice for easing the transition of bringing BDSM into a well-established relationship?

I also want to set up at least one serious, long slave training session for her. I am doing my homework and trying to find out what I like and what she likes, but I would appreciate any tips, tricks, phrases to use, or anything else you might think is helpful to a first-timer.


If you've been together for a long time, you should know her better than most. When entering this kind of lifestyle/agreement, it's imperative that you initially set boundaries and rules. If the rules aren't there, there will be less structure and less dominance or submission. However, do revisit and revise these rules if they aren't working. It's about learning more about each other and almost becoming closer because of it.

You say there's an awkwardness when you're acting or scenes when a certain tone of voice is used, or when things are done differently. Dominance within a relationship doesn't have to be with a harsh tongue, giving orders like a drill sergeant. Dominance, I believe should be exuberated from the Dom, so the sub will submit with whatever tone is used.

You have to remember that every single BDSM relationship is different. Each person has their own tastes, so you just need to communicate. Just remember that you usually can't just flick a switch and go into a BDSM lifestyle from a vanilla one. These things can take time to ease into as it is such a culture shock. Just be aware of this if she starts using safewords more often.

Remember that BDSM is massively about trust. She is surrendering her whole body to you, so she needs to feel that you are looking after it, whilst also pushing boundaries to increase the trust and the sense of belonging.

The words you should always remember - Safe, sane and consensual. Remember to not get too carried away, always respect her limits and listen when she uses safewords.

Remember that, in a funny sort of way, your sub is always the one who is ultimately in control. She sets the hard limits and can say stop whenever she wants. Don't break that trust.

I hope this gives you at least a little bit of insight into the direction you should be heading. However, it's something only you can both decide.

My wife and I are living proof that a BDSM relationship can work. We just took it slow and grew together, and couldn't be happier.

Thank you for taking the time to reply! Do you and your wife have your rules written down? Are they posted on a wall or in a notebook to be referenced? Also, if you don't mind me asking, did you and your wife do any real training session when you started into BDSM or did it just sort of evolve over time?

Thank you very much for the insight!

It's my pleasure!

We only have our playtime rules written down. It's quite common practice to do this, as it means that there won't be any ambiguity about what the rules or limits are. We don't have them put on the wall because we have guests that go into every room of our house, so it wouldn't be appropriate.

We didn't do any training sessions in the beginning, as she wasn't a full submissive before we met. I helped her explore this side of herself by increasing her exposure to it (with her consent, of course). She responded well and we now do regular training (both sexual and non-sexual). She now wears a day collar and has fully submitted her body to me.

You just need to remember that being someone's Dom every day doesn't just mean you have to spank them and do the stereotypical BDSM-orientated things. It's about how you hold yourself as a person, the way you treat them and your general confidence. It's also about making them feel safe and secure, but also showing them that you are in charge and helping them to let go of themselves. If you have confidence within your ability to choose almost every aspect of her life, then she will trust you. Don't ever break that trust, because if she is surrendering everything over to you, she won't be able to rebuild that trust in the same way as if you were in a normal relationship.

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