Hey all, I've been lurking for a bit but only started posting today.
My SO and I have recently started experimenting with bondage and dom/sub play and it's all going swimmingly except I'm finding it quite hard to think of rules I can set her so that if she breaks them (by choice or not) then out comes the paddle...
Its not the actual spanking I'm having problems with (actually enjoying that way more than I thought I would), it's finding reasons/excuses to do it. I know she likes it and I don't really need an excuse, but I don't feel using the paddle indiscriminately is right for every session (some but not all...)
Set her jobs to do and mark them out of 10. Each job earns 10 spanks less the number she scored. It can be as simple as make the bed. Or get me a cup of tea Another one my Mistress does is give me a set time to do things in and for every second/10 seconds/minute longer I take I get one strike. I have a punishment book too that I accrue marks in when spanking isn't appropriate. The marks are the dished our as spanks when the time presents itself
As the other commenters have said, you can take the "rules" outside the bedroom. It could be setting her chores...or simply "judging" the chores she already does, for example...you notice a mark on a cup. However is this service style of domination doesn't appeal, there are other things you can do....
An example would be asking her to wear certain items of clothing, say underwear, at certain times, asking her to send you pictures, to masturbate without cumming, to refer to you as Sir/master/Other in the bedroom every time she speaks to you, to pleasure you in some way, to not interrupt you when you speak to her....
and maybe she was "cheeky" to you, maybe she moved or twitched or spoke or moaned during a spanking and you asked her to be silent/still maybe she lost count of the spanks, maybe she forgot to call you sir after you asked her a question...Maybe she got wet or turned on and that wasnt allowed and you punish her for being a naughty girl...maybe she made you cum too soon or maybe you told her she has 30 secons to make you cum and she fails, maybe you ask her to not get erect nipples while you stroke your fingers over them asking her not to orgasm while you tease her...etc etc
of course, these are just some gentle ideas but some of these are actually setting her up to fail. You want to make sure that dynamic works for her, because some subs do really want to succeed and please and be given tasks where they have half a chance. In other words...some subs do not like being set up to fail. Others are quite happy with that.
There is virtually anything you can find and use as a rule broken, but it all depends on your own dynamic
I totally agree with Fluffbags – it totally depends on your own personal dynamic. As a sub myself I always want to please my Master and don’t like to fail at all. We do have certain ‘rules’ when we are in that space - like calling my Master Sir after questions asked – presenting myself in certain ways, keeping quiet when asked to, being asked to hold something and not drop it while he teases and torments me etc. If I accidentally slip up – then of course I do get corrections. We also have what we call ‘cross-overs’ when we carry the dom/sub dynamic outside of the bedroom and into our everyday life. We do this on a weekend or when we have some free time.
Spanking/Flogging/Caning etc. are not things we use as punishments as I do enjoy these elements. I am not a masochist but I do like a certain level of pain with my pleasure – which is within my limits of course – lol. Sometimes I am asked to take a certain amount of strikes and I love being challenged like that.
For me submission is a part of me that makes me feel grounded, balanced and safe :) xx
I get spanked for cumming when I am not allowed too , playing when I have not asked permission or giving cheek . Its lots of fun he makes me count them and thank him for each spank. Try what suits you we all have our own way of doing thing each to the own Dom/sub don't come with a rule book as each couple is different set the 'rules' as you see fit .
Thankyou all for your great advice and ideas, certainly a lot to think about! We're thinking about this as an adittion to our existing sex life, which we don't want to change so we've bought a collar which we're using to separate the two and so far and she's only worn it for a couple of hours at a time.
I'll certainly try some of your suggestions, I'm not sure mt OH would like the chore setting/service, but if I'm honest I didn't ecpect any of this from her really so I may be wrong again I guess...
If she really enjoys it (and if she chooses to break the rules just so she can be punished I'm assuming she does), why not make it a reward rather than a punishment? If she was really still while you restrained her or if she gave you very good oral or whatever. That way, you aren't using the paddle indiscriminately and you don't have to make up rules for the sake of it.