First of all apologies for reaching out after not ever really contributing much to the forums but after a bit of advice!
My gorgeous wife and I have been through one hell of a time with one thing and another over recent years. Ultimately our sex life went way off the boil some time ago apart from with the goal of conceiving. Fantastic news that we have and everything is progressing well but I miss our sex life immensely! It has always been me taking the lead with outfits, toys, trying new things. But now sheās not even interested in the basics and we can go weeks without anything.
Itās making me quite down and Iām being very hard on myself. Iāve tried talking but nothing really changes.
I am obviously over the moon we are having a baby, and understand her anxieties, but it doesnāt make things any less tough.
Apologies if I sound like an ass and equally open to be told if that is the case.
Look forward to hearing some views - preferably from both sexes!
Is it your first baby, or at least is it the first time your wife is pregnant? Iām no expert but Iāve heard that itās not uncommon that sex life gets rather dead when expecting a baby (as well as for a few months after it arrives).
Iāve heard things can go either way. Unfortunately ours has gone the flat route. The thing is it had already gone that way pre-pregnancy aside from essentially timetabled sex if you get what I mean
No need to apologise. We need people asking for advice just as much as people giving it.
Procreation can often take the fun out of sex, and it can be quite tricky to get the magic back when youāve got so many other things going on. Itās often just a phase, but it can be a long one.
When Mrs Chimp was pregnant with our twins a few years back we just gave up on sex. She wasnāt interested, she was very uncomfortable in general (as she was chock full of kids), and she was incredibly temperamental. And then after they were born there was the physical healing, as well as Mrs Chimp feeling quite self conscious about the changes to her body. And there were some babies to look after too. This was also not a sexy time.
However, we did get back into the groove of things eventually (with a littlelot of help from Lovehoney, actually), but it was more about when Mrs Chimp was ready rather than me.
I masturbated in the bathroom a lot. Though if Iād known at the time about all the male toys you can get Iād have purchased a few of those. Good communication is useful too. If you can say to your partner ādo you mind if I buy a couple of sex toys to tide me over?ā then I think that can help remove some of the secrecy around having a crafty wank.
I know itās probably not the most optimistic advice you were hoping for, and people will have different experiences, but on a postive note our sex life is pretty great now. It just took a bit of time.
Thanks for this. I mean honesty is as good as optimism. And hearing it might not just be that sheās gone off me is hopeful!
The problem comes though in that I do worry if I did rake the āopenly masturbate moreā or toys option it would actually cause more problems. I almost feel like I canāt. And definitely if I went down the toys route I think Iād end up upsetting her. So itās a bit lose-lose on that one.
But. I do have hope that things will get better again. Fingers crossed at least
It does affect some people that way, so itās good to be cautious. I didnāt have the ācan I wank?ā conversation for very similar reasons (and I didnāt even think about toys at the time). I do wonder if it would have been easier if I had asked her, but hindsight is always a bit rosier. She says now she would have been fine with it, but whether thatās what sheād have said at the time is a whole different thing.
Being affectionate and attentive can help bring back a bit of intimacy (not sex so much as closeness). Massages, little treats, compliments, that sort of thing. Curling up and watching TV together. Obviously you can over do it and become a bit cloying, but use your judgement, and you should be able to tell if she appreciates it or not. Itās nice to feel loved, and I think that has a big impact on mood (especially if, like Mrs Chimp, she starts to find it all a bit emotional).
I wish you the best of luck with everything though.
I have to say @Ian_Chimp situation sound exactly like ours was (minus the twins, I just had one sprog squeezed in there lol) but I have o admit I went completely off sex. It also took a far while to come back fully too. Although we definitely did have sex after baby was born, Iād say it took around 18months for our sex life to bounce back.
On a ācan I wankā front, Iād have welcomed this type of conversation. Mainly, and this is just how I found the situation, I felt under pressure all the time. Mr didnāt do anything wrong at all, but I felt so guilty. Like I wasnāt giving him enough, I wasnāt paying him enough attention and all that stuff. I think if Iād had that conversation with him I might have relieved the pressure for both of us.
I donāt think Iād have liked him to just come out and tell me he was wanking instead of us having sex, but if we were having a conversation about sex etc and he slipped it in, Iād have felt relived for sure.
I hope a females insight has helped some what. I have been in your shoes, it does pass believe me, but it is still very hard. Try and have lots of love and cuddles if your lady is up for that.
I went 9 months with no sex, didnt once ask, knew Iād get knocked back! Every woman is different but I imagine sex is miles down there priority list, they normally feel tired, sick, tired, ugly, fat, stressed, tired, stressed, emotional and tired so just chill, wait for the baby to arrive, if things donāt improve a few months down the line then maybe bring it up again!
Just imagine if the roles were reversed and you was carrying and growing a baby inside youā¦
I canāt offer any real advice as I havenāt been in your shoes in terms of a baby on the way. I guess the most sensible thing would be to talk to her and hopefully try and understand the reasons for it.
Hope all works out. Congratulations on the pending arrival of your baby!
Hey @NWMike, I can fully empathise with your position. We suffered from infertility and spent two a years trying everything. Then we went through 4 rounds of IVF where my wife felt like she was prodded and poked so much that anything touching her body made her feel violated. So yes, basically the fun left out sex life, and my OH core focus was baby and nothing elseā¦
We were very lucky to have two amazing children now, one has just turned 5 and the other 2 - and while Iām sure youāre aware that parenting is very hard, tiring etc itās worth every second of pain.
However I want to try and be honest - the conceiving itās hard on both of you, pregnancy might also be hard tooā¦you might be lucky enough that the ābatshit crazy hormonesā makes your partner very horny (as it does for someā¦sadly bot for me) and then parenting is going to be the most tiring thing ever. From my experience this tiredness and stress killed libido in my wife.
However - there is light at the end of the tunnel - keep talking to your partnerā¦good communication is key - and your allowed to feel miffedā¦I was the same. However with all the Hormones during abs after pregnancy your OH will be going through a lot (and you too). I would say that I had reached the end of my tether about a year ago - my OH showed no interest at all, and anytime we ended up doing anything I felt like it was only because Iād moanedā¦however with time and continued good communication weāve come out of the other end - abs are currently (in my eyes) experiencing some of the best sex life ive ever had.
My wife still thinks sheās disgusting, and canāt shift the baby bellyā¦no matter how many times I tell her sheās the most beautiful thingā¦but she is getting there.
This is a huge fork in the road in lifeā¦youāll need to get used to a huge changeā¦but keep talking, and hugging and kissing and Iām sure youāll get back to something like normalā¦but with an amazing little one tooā¦
You are 100% not an assā¦or if you areā¦I am too!
Itāll all be worth itā¦and then you can start spending way too much on Lovehoney when the sex life comes flooding backā¦as I am nowā¦
As others have said, bringing a new born into the world is a massive life changing event that most of us blokes donāt fully comprehend the consequences of until we go through it. Smash the hell out of being a dad, spend as much time as possible building a relationship with your new child and put sex right to the bottom of YOUR priority list. The more relaxed your wife is the more chance you have of it rising up HER priority list. Life lesson preach over
Hi so hereās my experience youāre not on your own, me and my wife had an amazing sex life 3-4 times a week normally and was experimenting different and new stuff. As soon as got pregnant with first stopped having sex ( I was still desperate for it she went off it) didnāt have sex again until started trying for second we have 2 and bit year age gap in between them, currently not had sex for just shy of 2 years again as soon as pregnant it stopped. I keep trying and get rejected every time always a different excuse, very little affection I have to push to get any cuddles or kisses definitely no oral or any other form of touching or playing! I get so frustrated and upset by it feel worthless and unloved tried talking about it she just gets annoyed every time I bring up sex in conversation. At end of tether
Firstly, congratulations on the forthcoming baby! You must be over the moon.
We have 2 kids and to be brutally honest each one was nothing short of a disaster for our sex life. It was great up to about a third of the way through (I loved the boobs getting bigger!) then the wife just lost interest completely and that was it for probably a year post birth. I think at one point with the first one we went 9 months or more without anything approaching anything remotely sexy.
The good newsā¦ it comes back eventually when things settle down. Honestly my advice from personal experience is to get your head down and prepare to have your needs (sexual and otherwise) pretty well ignored until the child is 6 months old.
Now the difference with you is that things went flat BEFORE the baby figured in the equation so I donāt have the answers there. I can however say with a very high degree of confidence that the latter stages of pregnancy and first year of the babyās life are probably not the best time to be pushing to fix your sex life.
Hi @NWMike itās not uncommon and sometimes it takes a lot of time consideration and talking to each other itās a life changing experience for you both just sit back be as supportive as you can and take things easy I have been there good luck
Good communication is useful too. If you can say to your partner ādo you mind if I buy a couple of sex toys to tide me over?ā then I think that can help remove some of the secrecy around having a crafty wank.
