On looking round these forums everyone seems to be having fun and doing lots of things I'd love to try.
I've been married over 18 years and just turned 46 wife is 53. Our sexlife took a dive 16 years ago when we had our first child, we now have 2 boys.
We probably have sex twice a year now and even then it's nothing special. Is this life ? should I be expecting more from a partner. It's getting to a stage now that I'm thinking of leaving. I've tried plenty of things including buying her toys, but I think she just uses them while I'm at work lol.
Anyway if any girls here could chime in and comment I'd be grateful as obviously all I hear from male friends is "leave her" or "have an affair"
Is the rest of your relationship still making you happy and pleasing you? If so, then I think you can still salvage your sex life. Communication is everything in a relationship. I personally think we're all entitled to a great sex life and we should speak up if that's not the case. It's not that you "should" be expecting more, but you should be able to expect to be pleased with the sex that you are having. If you're not, then something needs to change.
Male point of view for you. My wife and i have been together well over 25 years, we have 2 teenage children, we're both in our early forties and due to my work im away from home 2 or 3 nights a week. What works for us is a bit of old fashioned romance, coupled with some seriously fun quickies! When we can we get rid of the kids and have a date night spending quality time together can rekindle what you had at the begining. We choose toys and lingerie together that we both enjoy and that does add a certain spark. I know it sounds a bit obvious but have you had an honest discussion with her? Perhaps consider counselling if the rest of your relationship is strong.
Agree with Nat, you need to talk with your wife about this. Myself and my oh went through similar ourselves as we couldn't be bothered and it was just quicker and easier to sort ourselves out rather than do it together. We were bored with the same old sex and knew what to expect each time. Then there was additional problems with kids always being there, and tiredness and normal life getting in the way. It is like getting out of the habit of making time for each other. I'm not pushing the blame onto you but us women need to be wooed a bit for quite a while, we can't just turn it on it's like we have to ready our minds before the physical. Have a calm, relaxing chat with your wife, without the kids being around, without any other distractions and at a time when neither of you are too tired. She could be feeling the same as you and doesn't know how to fix it. She obviously still has sexual needs as she plays with her toys. I would prescribe a weekend away or someone have the boys for a night but you must talk first in a non threatening way. Pound to a penny she has lost her way. And she may be feeling unattractive due to her age, I understand this as I'm of a similar age (I'm 49) and her hormones could really have a part to play. I am obviously only guessing and can only compare her to myself and my experiences, so talk to her 😊
First, you should not "be expecting more FROM a partner". She does not owe you anything, and you shouldn't be wanting sex only for your own good.
Second, have you spoken about it before? Does she knows why you bought her toys? Maybe if you didn't told her, she thought that you bought her those because you didn't want to have sex with her anymore and wanted her to ba able to take care of her needs without you. Communication is important. Maybe she's thinking the same on her side and you don't know it because you never talk about it.
My bf and I are in a similar situation. We're both in our twenties, and have been dating for four years, but I keep saying that we're a married couple, cause I feel exactly like if we would have been married for many years, with kids and no sex. I don't like our situations. We tried pushing it a bit but the sex that comes with it isn't that great. What I really need isn't sex itself, but affection, and love. I need us to spend time together. After that, the connection between us could get back and we could enjoy good sex.
Ask her what she needs or want. Go back to the basics and show her that you love her. Do not aim for sex or pressure her into it. Do not make it you're main goal. Take time to fall in love again with each other, and this will be way better than the best sex you can have.
A relationship is way way more than sex, and I hope yours means more to you than just that.
Just wanted to add that for a lot of women (and more men than they usually admit), sex is very linked to emotions. If she's bogged down looking after the kids, managing the house, even looking after you and making you happy in other areas, then it can all be very taxing for her. Can't expect a tired woman to really be in the mood all the time!
Think about how the rest of your relationship looks: is there good, loving communication, are you both still interested in what's going on with each other, etc. Offer to help out with basic household stuff without her asking for it, be mindful and pay attention to her needs, do little things for her to make her feel special without expecting sex in return. Date nights might help too, with the kids away at a relative's or with someone else. Woo her again and show her the affection you might have when you were dating, while also bearing in mind the many new worries and concerns she might have.
For health reasons we rarely have sex yes I've been fed up too, but we talked and both so full of health issues , but we are very loving we hold hands in bed at night and love each other to bits, you say she uses toys on her own, have you thought you might not exactly be the best sex she's had, try some romance for a start.
A relationship is way way more than sex, and I hope yours means more to you than just that.
Just wanted to add that for a lot of women (and more men than they usually admit), sex is very linked to emotions. If she's bogged down looking after the kids, managing the house, even looking after you and making you happy in other areas, then it can all be very taxing for her. Can't expect a tired woman to really be in the mood all the time!
Think about how the rest of your relationship looks: is there good, loving communication, are you both still interested in what's going on with each other, etc. Offer to help out with basic household stuff without her asking for it, be mindful and pay attention to her needs, do little things for her to make her feel special without expecting sex in return. Date nights might help too, with the kids away at a relative's or with someone else. Woo her again and show her the affection you might have when you were dating, while also bearing in mind the many new worries and concerns she might have.
+1. My thoughts exactly, captainmeow :)
I read a quote recently that really resonated with me that might ring true with your situation - "don't compare your behind the scenes with everyone elses highlight reel."
Personally I think it's up to you to decide how important sex is to you. It would be unfortunate for a relationship to break up on that basis but life is short and if it matters to you that much then you have to look after yourself as well. 16 years a very long time so it's clearly not just a blip in her sex drive.
I do think it is only fair to have a real honest discussion with her about your feelings before you do anything drastic though you should ensure she only has sex with you preceeding that because it's truly what she wants as well.
In regards to using toys whilst you're out, I've done this in a past relationship. I was just exhausted all the time and my sex drive was low. So although I enjoyed the sensation of orgasming, the idea of sex didn't interest me.
Cheers everyone nice to get lots of varied views on the subject.
Yeah we have spoken a few times and it gets quite emotional. Shortly after that we usually have sex. But then it goes back to normal and we don't do it for months.
I understand life is tiring and stressful as I'm self employed so can work quite long hours. My wife doesn't work but does look after our 2 teenage son's.
When I'm saying should I expect things , I hope this comes across the right way . What I really mean is when I read all about other people having a great sexlife and doing it all the time is this the norm or is what I've got the norm.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to 'expect' things from a relationship. You expect your partner to love you, enjoy being with you, and fancy you. Like you fancy her. It's amazing how kids/work/life take over. Since the kids we don't have sex as often as I'd like but I don't worry too much as I know she loves me.
Remember a lot of the people on this forum are here because Lovehoney sells sex toys so it's not really a true cross section of society. I bet more couples than you realise are in the same position as yourself.
I think the only way forward is, as suggested, another chat.
Asking what is normal is a difficult question to answer. As what is normal for one couple may not be normal for another. If you asked me if I would be happy to have sex twice a year then I would definitely say no, but if my partner had health issues either physical or mental, medications or whatever I'm not going to cheat or leave him. As I hinted at before it could be linked to your wife's age as menopause can affect you in so many different ways including a lower libido. I could hazard a guess that this could be the problem and she isn't doing this to spite you, she just doesn't think about it, or does but doesn't know how to fix it. She probably doesn't find herself attractive right now either and this can have a huge impact on her. You do really need to get to the bottom of this with her. I don't want to come across as judgemental as I've been there in a virtually nonexistent sexlife marriage so I know how it feels. But I am proof that you can get back on track, it just takes lots of communication to find out where it has gone wrong and why, without finger pointing. Listen to her without jumping on the defensive and if you really love her don't say anything about going elsewhere for sex or splitting up.
I wish you well and hope you can sort this out 😘
Also as Spidercouple has said you aren't getting a real example of what goes on behind closed doors here because we are a small cross section of the rest of the world. Quite a few on here aren't getting sex either for one reason or another so you aren't on your own. 😊
Also as Spidercouple has said you aren't getting a real example of what goes on behind closed doors here because we are a small cross section of the rest of the world.
I gonna kinda go against this view in that this is a part of our own worlds that we've choosen to migrate to. We all have something going on that we feel the answer "may" lay within the sexual happiness sphere. As a community, we've all got our opinions about whats going on in other peoples lives, some peoples revelations may disgust us, inspire us, turn us on, turn us off, but what it does for everybody is open that dialogue that you won't get from everyday vanilla sites
Some of us will have found LH community IS THE answer, others may not and move on. What I will say in answer to Bu77plug123 that is tell her what you love about her, a bit of flatterywon't harm your situation - good luck
I can't really offer anything different from what others have said, but I wanted to say that my hubby and I were in a similar situation with having sex maybe once or twice a year. We found it hard to talk and I started reading on here, playing solo, and watching porn to get a sex 'fix'. Needless to say I got pretty depressed and frustrated with our situation - as you said everyone on here appears to be getting it more often!
Communication is invaluable no matter how emotional it gets, and I think it's easy to get into a routine of married/family life where you're just living day to day and let things get boring.
I know that one of the biggest things I missed from the early part of our relationship was the general closeness - cuddles, long kissing sessions, sneaky touches etc. I've spoken to my hubby and explained this and he's now making more of an effort to put the fun back.
It won't be easy, it'll take time and it needs both of you to make an effort, but I really hope you and your wife can work things out - take care and good luck
Maybe you could try seeing past just sex look in to other ways you can be intimate it doesn't take much effort to have a cuddle or spoon and can be more special especially if a woman is going through a stresful time than being pounded away at there are all sorts of reasons why a woman doesn't want to engage in sex things like zero interest and not able to muster any interest, medical issues or medication, lack of body confidence etc can all take their toll