Heeelloooo! Sorry if this is a long post (mine always are!).
Many of you know that I gave birth to my lovely boy 5 months ago, it was a fairly easy birth resulting in a 2nd degree tear. It took a while for that to heal but by my 6 week check everything was fine, although the doctor was very rough with me and I've been pretty traumatised from that experience, so I still haven't attempted to have sex yet! 😮 I am starting to notice that my relationship is deteriorating a bit, I'm well aware that I don't show my OH much affection or give him my attention as I'm so engrossed in being a mum, and whenever he tries to be affectionate with me I insinctively push him away because deep down I'm frightened of it leading to sex, even if it's just a kiss. I'm breastfeeding too, so I feel like my body belongs to my son and it's not sexual. I feel horrible about this, it's not fair on him at all 😞
My partner is very supportive and patient, but I need to get over myself and work up to having sex again, or at least become more affectionate again, for both our sakes. I do have sexual desires now but whenever I start fantasising or thinking about being intimate with him, I quickly remember being ripped open, stitched back together, and then being examined so horribly by that doctor! 😣 I'm not sure how to get over this! Could it just be a case of pushing through and doing it anyway? We have had oral sex once, which was nice (but it didn't feel quite the same as before), but the thought of anything else frightens me.
I still sometimes feel bruised down there too. When I clench my pelvic floor muscles it feels tender and uncomfortable. I've tried inserting a finger recently and it was quite uncomfortable and not pleasurable at all. They were no problems found at my 6 week check so I don't know why I'm still in pain. Is that normal?
I've honestly been working myself up into a state about it for a couple of months now. I'm scared it will hurt, I'm scared sex will cause some kind of damage to me, or that it won't feel pleasurable for either of us because I won't feel the same inside, then he might not be attracted to me or want me anymore. It's ridiculous and I think I'm letting my fears get the better of me now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx