Getting back in the game!

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Those of you who have seen the cheery thread will know that I had my 12 week scan today and everything was great :) however, my partner and I decided not to have any form of sex for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy (due to my history of miscarriage), including masturbation and orgasms for me. Now that the 12 week wait is up, I'm feeling really nervous about getting back in the game!

I spoke to my OH about us resuming sex a few days ago, but he felt that it was best to wait until after the baby is born as he's too scared, and feels like sex is too invasive while I'm pregnant. I understand this and I'm okay with it, I'm also scared, but I would like to resume some level of intimacy in the bedroom, even if it's just touching and oral.

My problem is that I've developed a fear of orgasms, whereas I used to absolutely love them. I know an orgasm at this stage won't cause any problems, but I've woken up mid orgasm after a sex dream a couple of times and it's really hurt, like strong menstrual cramps, but only for a minute or so after the orgasm is finished. According to Google this is normal due to increased blood flow to the uterus, but it's really freaked me out! :(

Has anyone else experienced this during pregnancy, if so, were you told it was ok? I don't see my consultant until December now, i did ask my midwife about orgasms when I booked in (before I knew they hurt) and she said it was fine... :/

Also, any tips for easing back in to a sexual relationship? I think this is the longest we've ever abstained for so I feel a bit like a virgin! I've got some new lingerie to surprise OH with, but I just feel like I'll be crap at everything now and I'm not feeling very body confident either, as I look more fat/bloated than pregnant at the moment.

Thank you, sorry for the long post :)

2

Many congratulations it’s quite a ride having a baby or two.

Flippant Answer – Rip his clothes off and get back on the horse, once it’s done it will all come flooding back.

Non Flippant Answer –

From a man’s point of view, we have no idea what it’s like and what’s going on with you and the baby. We get scared about the stupidest things, and I wanted to wrap my wife up into bubble wrap. My Wife’s super power is ‘Health & Safety Woman’, and even she got tired of me looking after her.

We definitely took it easier during both of our pregnancies, our love making was calm sensual and loving, (as it should be), and The Kinky stuff was put on the back burner. I hope you will find like my Wife did that she became super sexual, and needed the closeness but was very shy about it.

Really you both need to take it slow and steady, enjoy each other go on a date, make it special, and seduce him, as he won’t quite know what/how to take care of you. He will get better and better at this. At month 7/8 with our first pregnancy, my wife was near insatiable; I was mentally and physically exhausted by this point; she took a lot of ‘Personal Time’ when I was out at work etc.

Its all very normal with the first child/pregnancy to seriously over think/react at everything, this is normal, just relax and breath, pregnancy really a very special thing, but to go 9 months without each other you will both be seriously horny, confused, and possibly angry without knowing why, you BOTH need the release.

Finally I hasten to add, you will both be toooooo exhausted to have sex after the baby is born for quite a long time, also you might well need recovery time for your lady bits if you give birth naturally.

Get on with it, you will both be fine.

3

Yeah, I was going to say just do it Boo, but Rooster beat me to it.

I liked sex during pregnancy as it seemed more intimate because of the baby I was carrying. Of course I like it even more now I'm not pregnant as I can be more vigorous and kinky if I like.

Start with slow and sensual romantic stuff like cuddling, a massage (though check any oils are safe for use in pg) and progress to slow relaxed lovemaking. Spooning is a good position if your worried about deeper penetrative sex. Or you could go on top of him.

Enjoy the sex now before baby comes...that was the way I saw it!

4

We had sex during pregnancy. Not at the rate we normally do, but it was a nice intimate time. As I got bigger and really showed I did not like it at all because I felt so akward.

There is all kinds of medical reasons it is safe to have sex. But if psychologically and mentally it scares him and or you I would say go slow. Petting, touching and oral and see how you feel.

5

Thank you everyone I appreciate the advice :)

I can totally understand why my OH is reluctant to have sex, because we did it a lot before my miscarriage and although I've told him that wouldn't have caused it he still feels guilty. To be honest I'm scared of having penetrative sex too since my midwife warned it might cause bleeding (although it's apparently normal and harmless).

I personally just want to get back into foreplay, but as I said, I'm scared of having an orgasm because I find the contractions painful now that I'm pregnant. Obviously it hasn't done any harm because my scan was perfect today but mentally its hard to enjoy anything sexual now, although my brain still wants to do it... If that makes sense?

We'll definitely take it slow and see how things go, it would be a shame to go the whole 9 months (well, 6 now) without any sexual closeness, I think I just need to get over myself and accept that things are actually okay this time and the pregnancy is well established so I can't do much harm!

7

Well, I tried, it didn't really go to plan...

I went upstairs and put on my new lingerie, then called OH up as a surprise. He was pretty shocked as he didn't expect me to want anything sexual, I told him I don't want to have sex but I want to try other stuff and see where it goes. I was really nervous but excited.... Then He said he couldn't go down on me because he's getting an ulcer on his tongue, which is fair enough, but a shame. He also wouldn't kiss me properly because of this so it was just really awkward.

Anyway I went down on him for what seemed like ages and totally lost my mood halfway through, mainly because I was feeling uncomfortable and had shunt pain again, I didn't want to stop though because I felt so bad about the fact it's been 2 months since I've given him anything (although he's never mentioned it). By the end I just felt really upset and frustrated with myself because it didn't go how I planned, but I didn't let him know that or he'd feel bad.

Argh I don't know what's wrong with me. :(

8

nothing is WRONG with you Boo. Sex can be akward given the circumstance. I am sure your OH knows you love him and are trying. Don't beat yourself up hon!

9

Mouth ulcers are bloody annoying and I guess both of you are a little nervous and stressed which is, given the circumstances, not that surprising. I am sure you will feel better about it soon; in the meantime, just try to have a good time (go for a nice walk, go to the cinema, have a dinner out) without sexy times.

I hope you feel better soon (and I wish all the best to your little one)!

10

Hi and congratulations on your pregnancy!
I was hoping to try and help in easing your concerns.

I also have a history of miscarriage, and I completely 100% understand your concern about orgasm and the potential for a bleed from sex. It's absolutely terrifying. What you're feeling and experiencing is completely Normal.
From my experience, the anxiety I felt about these things was actually doing much more harm to me and baby than an orgasm or sex ever could. Stress at this time is best avoided.
Once I had a sharp word with myself and relaxed about it, ( I told myself I will know when I'm ready for any sexual experience, and have information about what I may expect from this ) I felt so much better about all of it. Then one evening about halfway through the pregnancy, we were relaxed and laughing and having a chilled night in, when one thing lead to another. After that, it was like it had never been a concern at all. We went with the flow of life, and had absolutely no bad repercussions at all.

I hope you can find the answers you're looking for. I wish you all the luck and love in the world for your pregnancy and beyond x

11

Argh I don't know it just felt clumsy and not very intimate and I was annoyed with myself for not being able to get fully into it. Maybe I'll leave it a bit longer before trying again, I'm not sure.

I woke up literally as I started to orgasm this morning (I keep having sex dreams and it's actually really annoying!) and the orgasm really hurt again, it felt crampy and uncomfortable as my uterus contracted. Luckily that stopped as soon as the orgasm stopped but it just makes me feel so uneasy, and sad because I worry that it's going to be this way forever now, even after the baby is born. I miss having really good orgasms! And everyone says that pregnancy orgasms are supposed to feel so much better so I don't know why mine feel so awful.

BumbleBeeBuzzed thank you for your response, what you said makes a lot of sense. I'm really sorry to hear of your losses, I'm assuming that your pregnancy did go well that time though? If so then congratulations :D

I just don't know how to make myself chill out mentally. I think if my orgasms weren't hurting me then it would be much easier, but the fact that pleasure now feels painful (and not in a good way) makes me feel like I'm doing something harmful and wrong. :(

12

Boogaloo wrote:

Argh I don't know it just felt clumsy and not very intimate and I was annoyed with myself for not being able to get fully into it. Maybe I'll leave it a bit longer before trying again, I'm not sure.

I woke up literally as I started to orgasm this morning (I keep having sex dreams and it's actually really annoying!) and the orgasm really hurt again, it felt crampy and uncomfortable as my uterus contracted. Luckily that stopped as soon as the orgasm stopped but it just makes me feel so uneasy, and sad because I worry that it's going to be this way forever now, even after the baby is born. I miss having really good orgasms! And everyone says that pregnancy orgasms are supposed to feel so much better so I don't know why mine feel so awful.

BumbleBeeBuzzed thank you for your response, what you said makes a lot of sense. I'm really sorry to hear of your losses, I'm assuming that your pregnancy did go well that time though? If so then congratulations :D

I just don't know how to make myself chill out mentally. I think if my orgasms weren't hurting me then it would be much easier, but the fact that pleasure now feels painful (and not in a good way) makes me feel like I'm doing something harmful and wrong. :(

Boo. Worrying certainly won't help. Your OH obviously is concerned too but you are over the worst now. Enjoy your pregnancy. Take things as they come and relax. You will make an excellent mum. Loads of hugs. X

13

Maybe try focussing more on romance for intimacy...nice massage, cuddles, kisses (when the ulcer goes), etc.

Stress won't be good for either you or baby, or your OH for that matter...

Enjoy quality time with each other xx

14

Luv bunny wrote:

Maybe try focussing more on romance for intimacy...nice massage, cuddles, kisses (when the ulcer goes), etc.

Stress won't be good for either you or baby, or your OH for that matter...

Enjoy quality time with each other xx

+1 - Focusing on the romantic side will definately take the pressure off you Boo. I know it's not the same, but when I had my surgery last year I was really scared to try to orgasm afterwards. The first time I did I had the same crampy painful feelings that you described, but I kept trying, and after a short while they got back to normal. I'm sure everything will settle down for you too, just take your time, and try not to put yourself under too much pressure xxx

15

We've been doing the massages and cuddles etc, I just wanted to take it up a notch now that we're allowed to again. But perhaps I'll leave it a bit longer and just carry on as we are for now xx

16

Hi yes it did thank you, I'm so glad I was able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. It's a really special time! I hope you can find a way to enjoy yours, in every way! X