I'm trying to pluck up the courage to sort out my sex life with my partner of 5 years. I absolutely adore him, but our sex life at the moment is absolutely rubbish and it's really getting me down. So, I thought maybe I could think up a few 'sex rules' to get us back on track, but would like your opinions first!!
1. Strictly take it in turns to initiate sex! (I'm sure he feels I don't initiate it enough, although I do try but perhaps I'm too subtle.)
2. We need to disclose a fantasy each to each other. (I've asked him before if he has any but he's said no - SURELY he's lying!?!)
3. As I'm not confident enough to say 'come to bed NOW, I want sex', we need a 'code word' or something? (He tends to totally ignore my subtle hints of 'Come to bed early with me so we can "snuggle"' and insteads comes to bed when I'm fast asleep.)
4. I want to have sex in different places. (Just the bedroom is getting REALLY boring. I hope I've already started this ball rolling by buying sachets of lube for transportability.)
5. Oral sex doesn't always HAVE to lead to sex. (Unless everyone else on here thinks it does/should?? And I really want him to ask me to give him a BJ more often; he never does and I love doing it.)
The bits in brackets are for your information. Any tips/hints/ideas/things I should forget off my list cos they're stupid would be greatly appreciated.
I think that number 5 is spot on. I get stressed about my sex life alot of the time and even though I dont say the OH does notice and that is something he said he'd like to do more often is for fooling around to not always lead to sex. Try to to make to many 'rules' as such or you might stress about sticking to them :)
I wouldn't say regulating who's turn it is to initiate sex would improve a physical relationship, rather both should make it a conscious effort to iniate. Its great when you both try to and realise how much you both want it.
Don't be shy about being subtle :)
Planned nights can also re-boost things, if you both plan a nice meal or something, just some time together, maybe a new outfit, or two? One for underneath and one for over. There's no reason why you cant just set some candles up in the living room, put on some music and do it on the sofa! :)
Don't wait for him to be ask for a BJ? He's never going to refuse that surely? I don't think my hubby would.
Exactly what I was going to say! Surprise him with one if you love doing it, cos I'm sure he loves receiving.
Try not get too caught up in making 'rules' and ensuring you stick to them... Just sit down with him and have a chat so he knows exactly what you're thinking. Let him know that you plan on initiating it more but you still want him to, and that you'd like to have some fun without it always leading to sex. Making rules and trying to stick to them might actually stress you both out! It's more fun breaking rules than making them anyway ;-)
My OH and I have gone through a similar situation as you.
We talked about it quite a lot and we seemed to come up with 2 unofficial rules.
1. We try to have sex at least once a week, we pick a day where we play to make the time.
2. Even if are not quite in the mood we will try to do rule 1 (and every time after foreplay we got in the mood)
If you are not confident to say you want sex, are you confident to get into something sexy, walk downstaris, pasionatly kiss him and say, "I'll be waiting up stairs for you."?
Regretably this is not unusual. It takes two to Tango. You say your sex life is bad at the moment but how good was it before? Frequent? Varied? Intense? Or just adequate. Rule 1 is a waste of time; if he's not bothered about sex you'll be waiting a long time for him to initiate it. You need to have a frank conversation with him. You might not get the answers you want but at least you'll have an idea of what is actually happening. With regard to his answers, trust your instincts - if he wanted sex with you he'd be doing something about it....
why not set aside a specific time for sex so no one initiates it you just do it, we may have sex at any time but when I am at home we make love every sunday morning usually starting 10 minutes before someone phones
We've had issues in the past and it normally just boils down to not making enough time.
Less internet/consoles/tv is what helped us.
When our girl was born there was a surge in births which according to the midwife was due to the snow and power cuts nine months before hand. Thats a little sad really.
I like this idea!! I do think I could be confident enough to do this. :-) Thanks.
RobotDevil wrote:
If you are not confident to say you want sex, are you confident to get into something sexy, walk downstaris, pasionatly kiss him and say, "I'll be waiting up stairs for you."?
Squarewave, this is the problem we're having I think. I'll try and tell him I want him to come to bed, but then he goes and checks his f'''ing emails!!!!!!! Hmm, might try taking the plug off the computer, see if that gives him a hint, hehe
i think these rules are awesome :P Me and my OH spiced it up a bit by buying a board game from Love Honey which is amazing to play and certainly gets us in the mood :) But also the spontaneity is key I find! there is nothing worse than planning it and it becoming a mundane task that you feel that you have to carry out before bed! And as a reply to those of you who find their OH wont come to bed on hint, i found dressing up in suspenders and nice underwear then casually walking in front of the tv helps alot..... ;) just a little tip ;)
".....I'll try and tell him I want him to come to bed, but then he goes and checks his f'''ing emails!!!!!!!......" I know from experience (my own and others) that you can't make someone want to have sex. Everything you've said about him sounds like he's simply not bothered. His actions speak volumes. You need to ask yourself why he's avoiding having sex with you. Better still, ask him. He's the only person with the answer. The only way to hear it is to ask him.
I went through almost this exact thing a while back - eventually after a few years I stopped trying because it was takng its toll on me emotionally. I had tried any and all methods I could think of, I had sought advice elsewhere (here on lh for instance) and tried other suggestions from counsellng and therapy .
For us the answer was that actually we weren't that bothered any more and there was just a problematic codependency instead of a relationship.
As a last sting for me, I actually had to prompt the information from OH that she was actually feeling differently. It's great that she realised, great that she told me and we talked about it, but it does sting that I even had to initiate her telling me that! Oh well.
I wish I had the courage to act sooner and end things some time ago, but 20/20 hindsight is always problematic.
I hope that you can talk with your partner and work things out. Try to keep things in perspective though. I spent a lot of time investing effort and overcompensating for something which wasn't my fault or ever likely to work out well no matter how much effort. Hopefully your partner will be more open and responsive and you will work out a positive way forward. :)
Why don't you buy a sex game or something? I recently bought the 'Sex Hunt' game where you have little plastic balls filled with 5 plastic slips. You hide them all around the house, and whenever one is found, you open it up and choose a thing to do, or have done. There's nothing overtly kinky in it, just the usual 'Recieve oral while standing', and others I can't remember so it's not bad for shy types. I also figured they could be used for IOU's, too, if you take them out of the balls and just hand him one, give him a wink and say 'You can redeem this later' or something. :)
I believe that this thread is being interpreted differently by those reading it. Redjellybean's partner ignores her subtle hints and even her direct requests to join her in bed, instead choosing to read his emails before going to bed when she's asleep. He doesn't admit to any fantasy. The question is not how to get him to show interest, it's why is he not interested? The post above by 'tronic' is very clear. Communication is a very important part of an adult relationship.
I agree with Grimm and tronic. If it were me, I'd sit next to him on the sofa and begin touching him. Stroke and caress him, let your hand drift down and touch him through his clothes. Do it slowly and gently. You'll know if he's receptive and responsive by his body language. If things are going well, progress further and give him oral or remove your clothes and climb on top of him. If he doesn't react in a positive way, your problem goes much deeper than sex. Good luck.
It sounds to me like your partner is suffering from a, hopefully temporary, drop in sex drive. There are no end of possible reasons for this, stress, worry, tiredness or health just for a start. Of course this can get you down and lead to frustration or entirely unwarranted feelings of rejection. But it may very well be getting him down, causing him to feel inadequte or not "a proper man", leading to stress, worry, performance anxiety etc and so he avoids situations where you may want sex.
I fear that imposing rules, all of which addressed your needs and not his, will only exaccerbate the problem.
There is only 1 rule which will help. 1 We must speak openly and honestly about all aspects of our relationship.
It sounds to me like your partner is suffering from a, hopefully temporary, drop in sex drive. There are no end of possible reasons for this, stress, worry, tiredness or health just for a start. Of course this can get you down and lead to frustration or entirely unwarranted feelings of rejection. But it may very well be getting him down, causing him to feel inadequte or not "a proper man", leading to stress, worry, performance anxiety etc and so he avoids situations where you may want sex.
I fear that imposing rules, all of which addressed your needs and not his, will only exaccerbate the problem.
There is only 1 rule which will help. 1 We must speak openly and honestly about all aspects of our relationship.
