I'm seeking some advice about how best to help a partner deal with feeling ashamed about their fetishes. My partner enjoys some sissification/humiliation and I enjoy indulging in that with him as it turns me on also. However, afterwards he often feels shame and self hate. I give him lots of affection afterwards and we have conversations about it, but he is still struggling to deal with that side of himself as before meeting me he had even tried to seek conselling for it.
Can anyone offer any advice as to how best I can help him feel happy about his kinks? I understand that shame and embarrassment can be a turn on during the act, but it is the prolonged self hatred after cumming which concerns me. Has anyone else struggled to feel comfortable with their sexual interests?
It could possibly be due to less understanding previous partners?
Whilst not the same things as your partner I know I've struggled to admit the things I enjoy because when I started mentioning to an ex I was quickly put down. It does start to make you wonder if you should feel ashamed.
Maybe if you could find websites or forums with others who enjoy it as well he will feel more confident, in that it's fine to enjoy things that aren't considered the 'norm'.
I think you are right there Miss Stripes, he's told me that his previous partners either didn't like/know about his kinks, or they only indulged in them very lightly and didn't enjoy it.
I've told him about the Lovehoney forums and how I've seen a lot of lovely, friendly people discuss their extreme fetishes, so I point out that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I think knowing about these forums definitely helping him accept himself a bit more at least :)
Finding somebody understanding (and on the same wavelength) FINALLY has really helped me.....I still have concerns but it is helped by the constant reassurances and if you can start it without him asking. Show that you enjoy it. He may have slight concerns you are only doing it for him and don't actually like doing it. So by you taking it upon yourself to do stuff he may start to realise you want to do these things for him.
May also help if you both sat down and literally have a backwards and forwards of things that turn you on. It is quite an enjoyable game, but might make him comfortable knowing you have things you may want him to do to you as well. Definitely a great way of learning new ways to please the OH.
But yes maybe getting him on this forum or there are blogs, forums, websites to cater for most fetishes. I don't think it's an instant fix. But if he can start to talk to others who enjoy it, and with your help he should be able to start feeling better and more confident in his fetishes.
My ex is a cd/tv ( not why we split ) but gives me a bit of an insight
Society in general creates an image of men as macho, in control and strong. It is very much ingrained into our way of thinking, for many guys who enjoy sissification, feminization or cross dressing there is a fear of being found out and cast out as a result.
I accepted and embraced my ex's need/desire to cross dress but he still couldn't bring himself to tell me he had been dressing since a teenager. It may be that your partner is struggling to believe that what he likes is actually acceptable and accepted especially given previous partners' responses
Give him time, keep going with the reassurance and maybe encourage him to join the forums.
I second what Ghost Girl says and im am glad that you enjoy the stuff he does someday he will wake up and relax just dont give up on him and praise him all you can and make it sound truthful . I know my wife just cant handle some of my kniky stuff so i dont bother with it anymore i just fantise about it.
Very interstng to read this as we have been through a similar thing to a point where it is never talked about anymore and that suits one of us really very well and is a battle for the other - not an ideal position to be in!
Well done for understanding and supporting first of all. I will really be a case of baby steps all the way. Normally when I am turned on, I want to take leaps and bounds in that direction, but as soon as it is over I feel pangs of guilt etc which sets things back again.
Stick with it and it will be worth while for both of you and for your relationship.
I feel the same thing about my fetish. I think he will eventually learn to include you as part of the fetish. This is generally a strong emotional bond which takes a huge amount of trust and can be hard to form. A bit like the sex threshold but greater in some cases including mine.
I found the fetish easier to deal with due to the age of the internet where my fetish is all over youtube and even found a forum which is dedicated to my fetish.
My advice would be to watch some porn together which includes your OH's fetish just for him to see how common it is and how others deal with it. Good luck.
I agree with the others, I was extremely self conscious about my fetish and was way too embarrassed to tell any of my exes. This changed after I discovered how reasonably common it is, and most importantly that it doesn't make me any different of a person - it's still me with a slight kink to my personality the only me and my partner know about.
Your partner may just take time to become fully comfortable about expressing his fetish. Personally I would suggest to start over and take things slowly - by working your way from vanilla sex and just adding it in over time. This might make him feel better afterwards and allow him to deal with his fetish in smaller doses.
That's just my opinion, he might dislike the idea, but I know that if I were into bondage I would really be turned on be being tied up, whipped and electrocuted all in my first go. An extreme example but I hope you see what I'm trying to say.
I think it's fantastic that he felt comfortable enough to share the information with you and I hope that you find a solution that works!
Thanks for the advice everyone! We had another conversation about it today and I think I've noticed that he emphasises how much he dislikes that side of his personality almost as an attempt to reassure me that he isn't truly like that all the time. I told him though that I accept him fully and that his fetish doesn't make me see him any differently, and I think he is slowly becoming more comfortable about it. It will take some time and lots of reassurance I think, and perhaps going a little slower with it too would help :)
He enjoys switching so he is happier being dominant at the moment as this gives him a confidence boost. Ironically I began to get self conscious whilst I was being submissive and needed him to reassure me in return, it's funny how the mind works :P
I think introducing him to this site more would e a great idea! I think me being on Lovehoney has helped to make me really open minded which is why I can embrace his fetish so well :) He was on Fetlife but I think he struggled to find like-minded people. I think showing him these forums would be a good help!
Hi Mnms, up until 3 weeks ago I was a regular poster. I started a thread about vaginas and are men programmed to desire them. It got very heated and was closed. I started it to see if this was normal or a kink/ fetish. I now feel that maybe this is my fetish. For me this just seems normal it surly is the most simplest of kinks for a man to desire a woman's sexual parts. The response from a couple of ladies really took me aback. Posting that it is creepy.
This has know made me reconsider that maybe it is my fetish and it has also made me very self aware of it. The fact that there were also a few other woman that thought it was a nice thing hasn't stopped me being concerned about it.
In answer to the original post yes it is possible to feel shame over your fetish as a man.
Due to experience and c hatting to people over years within sex d and the BDSM world, I feel that part of what makes a fetish, is that it is taboo.
While that may seem like a negative reply, I also believe taboos help fuel and make these desire more arousing to the mind (and body).
Accepting the fetish is possible, but there may always be a tiny feeling of shame surrounding it, due to how society has conditioned certain norms and expectations in the mind.
So the only way to overcome such shame is to beome involved in activities (from reading to even groups), where people express similar feelings. Like others had said, joining a site like this may help.
But don't forget, that while the feelings of shame and dislike may be creating problems regarding to them exploring their fetish, it may also be making it more exciting to them too (even though these feelings may be hidden).
It is a shame that we do have to feel subject to shame regarding to fetishes, but I feel that even if we try and break down the current taboos, over time more will form.
Hi Mnms, up until 3 weeks ago I was a regular poster. I started a thread about vaginas and are men programmed to desire them. It got very heated and was closed. I started it to see if this was normal or a kink/ fetish. I now feel that maybe this is my fetish. For me this just seems normal it surly is the most simplest of kinks for a man to desire a woman's sexual parts. The response from a couple of ladies really took me aback. Posting that it is creepy.
This has know made me reconsider that maybe it is my fetish and it has also made me very self aware of it. The fact that there were also a few other woman that thought it was a nice thing hasn't stopped me being concerned about it.
In answer to the original post yes it is possible to feel shame over your fetish as a man.
It is a sad thing to experience rejection over your desires or fetishes. If it is any consolation I have a male friend who simply loves all vaginas, he sees them all as works of art and loves to look at them and appreciate them. I have a lighthearted joke with him that they couldn't possibly all be art  but it is what he enjoys the most. I think there is still a lot of stigma around men's desires and fetishes which is a shame as it blocks the way for open and honest conversations that can help everyone understand better.
Due to experience and c hatting to people over years within sex d and the BDSM world, I feel that part of what makes a fetish, is that it is taboo.
While that may seem like a negative reply, I also believe taboos help fuel and make these desire more arousing to the mind (and body).
Accepting the fetish is possible, but there may always be a tiny feeling of shame surrounding it, due to how society has conditioned certain norms and expectations in the mind.
So the only way to overcome such shame is to beome involved in activities (from reading to even groups), where people express similar feelings. Like others had said, joining a site like this may help.
But don't forget, that while the feelings of shame and dislike may be creating problems regarding to them exploring their fetish, it may also be making it more exciting to them too (even though these feelings may be hidden).
It is a shame that we do have to feel subject to shame regarding to fetishes, but I feel that even if we try and break down the current taboos, over time more will form.
I definitely agree that it is the taboo feelings that makes fetishes so exciting and enjoyable. I think that shame and embarrassment are feelings that my partner wants to experience during the act as it heightens the excitement and really it's the whole point of his fetish. I think that societal conditions will always affect his view of it but he experiences a real self esteem blow for quite a few days afterwards, and his self image and confidence is badly affected. He feels much better about himself when he is being dominant, which fuels the idea of society playing a big part in sexual confidence I suppose.
I think we are working towards a state where when we indulge in his fetish it needs to not be talked about for a while afterwards and he needs to play dominant for a while to build his confidence back up. Although while I appreciate it is easier to avoid talking about it I wonder whether it is healthy to do so :/
Hi Mnms, up until 3 weeks ago I was a regular poster. I started a thread about vaginas and are men programmed to desire them. It got very heated and was closed. I started it to see if this was normal or a kink/ fetish. I now feel that maybe this is my fetish. For me this just seems normal it surly is the most simplest of kinks for a man to desire a woman's sexual parts. The response from a couple of ladies really took me aback. Posting that it is creepy.
This has know made me reconsider that maybe it is my fetish and it has also made me very self aware of it. The fact that there were also a few other woman that thought it was a nice thing hasn't stopped me being concerned about it.
In answer to the original post yes it is possible to feel shame over your fetish as a man.
It is a sad thing to experience rejection over your desires or fetishes. If it is any consolation I have a male friend who simply loves all vaginas, he sees them all as works of art and loves to look at them and appreciate them. I have a lighthearted joke with him that they couldn't possibly all be art  but it is what he enjoys the most. I think there is still a lot of stigma around men's desires and fetishes which is a shame as it blocks the way for open and honest conversations that can help everyone understand better.
Does help thanks. This is just the same for me. Never thought of it as an issue until a few weeks ago. I don't really think it is just when you see other people's opinions it makes you think.
Hi Mnms, up until 3 weeks ago I was a regular poster. I started a thread about vaginas and are men programmed to desire them. It got very heated and was closed. I started it to see if this was normal or a kink/ fetish. I now feel that maybe this is my fetish. For me this just seems normal it surly is the most simplest of kinks for a man to desire a woman's sexual parts. The response from a couple of ladies really took me aback. Posting that it is creepy.
This has know made me reconsider that maybe it is my fetish and it has also made me very self aware of it. The fact that there were also a few other woman that thought it was a nice thing hasn't stopped me being concerned about it.
In answer to the original post yes it is possible to feel shame over your fetish as a man.
mnms wrote:
It is a sad thing to experience rejection over your desires or fetishes.
mnms - Giant wasn't rejected over his fetish, not at all. But given the way he works, he'll likely remember what you've written and use it to reinforce his preferred version. :-(
Giant - How on earth did you get that from the thread? Your habit of twisting things around is part of the frustration. I know I've held off posting to you many times because you take half of whatever I say and turn it around to mean something different. (Usually comes out in a different thread too, like you've done here.)
The objections were to your habit of going into minute detail repeatedly about your examination of your wife's genitalia and your other habit of insisting that your way of doing things is what's normal for the majority.
You claim that you started the thread to see if it was 'normal', but in the thread you got pretty put out when people weren't as into it as you. And whatever your intention may have been, your original post was an explicit description of a sex act. Those two things are what upset people.
If you've got a fetish for the close examination of your wife's genitalia, so what? If you simply say that no one will much care. But if your fetish requires you to post detailed public descriptions, this simply isn't the place to engage in it.
Due to experience and c hatting to people over years within sex d and the BDSM world, I feel that part of what makes a fetish, is that it is taboo.
While that may seem like a negative reply, I also believe taboos help fuel and make these desire more arousing to the mind (and body).
Accepting the fetish is possible, but there may always be a tiny feeling of shame surrounding it, due to how society has conditioned certain norms and expectations in the mind.
So the only way to overcome such shame is to beome involved in activities (from reading to even groups), where people express similar feelings. Like others had said, joining a site like this may help.
But don't forget, that while the feelings of shame and dislike may be creating problems regarding to them exploring their fetish, it may also be making it more exciting to them too (even though these feelings may be hidden).
It is a shame that we do have to feel subject to shame regarding to fetishes, but I feel that even if we try and break down the current taboos, over time more will form.
I definitely agree that it is the taboo feelings that makes fetishes so exciting and enjoyable. I think that shame and embarrassment are feelings that my partner wants to experience during the act as it heightens the excitement and really it's the whole point of his fetish. I think that societal conditions will always affect his view of it but he experiences a real self esteem blow for quite a few days afterwards, and his self image and confidence is badly affected. He feels much better about himself when he is being dominant, which fuels the idea of society playing a big part in sexual confidence I suppose.
I think we are working towards a state where when we indulge in his fetish it needs to not be talked about for a while afterwards and he needs to play dominant for a while to build his confidence back up. Although while I appreciate it is easier to avoid talking about it I wonder whether it is healthy to do so :/
Avoiding talking is often a negative thing, including when it comes to fetishes.
Basically you need to find a way that makes talking about the fetishes easier and more natural. Don't be too explicit, as this can put people or fuel excitiment in ways which lead to actually lead to advoiding the topic other than just the pleasure side (which isn't always a bad thing, but over time you will find you'll need to address the other issues surrounding the fetishes too).
Watching porn clips can be hand and chatting about them, or a movie that even shows something similar to the fetish in question. It's nasically finding a way to motivate talking about it almost as if it wasn't a planned chat =)