Hey everyone. This question is for both men and women. My boyfriend is sorta shy in the bedroom. Even though we have been together for two years. He doesn't seem comfortable enough to just do things without asking. But he's too shy to ask. We just lay in bed with minimal foreplay. I've told him that if he wants to do something just to do it.
It doesn't help that I'm kinda the same. I feel shy to maybe take control and do something because I don't know if he'll like it etc. He's far from vocal when we are having fun or talking about sex in general. It's hard to get him to talk.
Does anyone have any tips how to get him out of his shell a bit?
It can be a little boring and a turn off sometimes.
He doesn't have hardly any experience before me so that could be part of the reason.
Any opinions/tips would be great thanks.
I know you've said you're shy - but maybe you should take the lead.
Get him watching you do things you want to do, talk about them.
Get him on here, looking at sex toys talking about them
Maybe watch some porn together and talk about what youd like to try..
Common theme - communication :)
The reality is if you're unhappy in a relationship for whatever reason (including sex) then that relationship isn't going to last - so talk talk talk!!
Hi Corrie
I can see why this can be really frustrating and I'm sure it's frustrating for him too.
I was in a similar experiance but the other way around; I was the shy one (Not anymore) But with my first sexual BF I was really shy, and like you I was with him for several years but couldn't make a move. I don't know why I couldn't make a move, and it's not that I was a shy person and I'd really want to make a move and he wanted me to make the first move but something was just stopping me from doing that.
With me I think it was more confidence issues, I was self conscious and didn't feel sexy at all. When he would make a move I'd feel sexy because he wanted me but when I was thinking about making a move I'd feel self conscious and un-sexy and was worrying about if he'd say no and because of that going around in my head I just couldn't actually make that move and it was so frustrating and made me feel really uncomfortable. And it was ofcourse really boring for him too as he always had to bring up sex. I had no problem talking about sex, just the move making bit was hard.
I'm not too sure on how to go about giving any tips about it, as I wasn't able to make the first move with him at all. But with my current partner I am able to make that move a lot more than he'd like I think lol!.
I think for myself if I'd been on this site back then, I think the IOU cards would help a lot. Because if he gave me some that would of helped me to make the first move, since I'd been given an IOU and well he owed me it LOL it would have brought me out of my shell a bit and get that first time inital period out of the way. With my current OH I've always made the move from the begining and he has too so it's never been an issue, I think because my EX was my first, he made the first move the first time, and just continued to, the longer I wouldn't do it, the more it played out my mind and got harder for me to actually do it.
Hi Corrie, I agree lots with FA, I was very shy with previous partners and would not say or take the lead and apart from small moves like turning up at his house with just my rain coat on etc things like that, I would NEVER have had the guts to suggest things during sex.
It does tie in with how confident you are feeling about yourself, if you feel confident and sexy I think you are more likely to be bolder in the bedroom? I now feel so sexy and confident with current oh he has made me feel so at ease and relaxed in the bedroom I am willing to suggest anything. It has most definately helped being on the forums on LH as people talk openly and you can ask for help and advice.
My OH sent me a package from LH and the toys that were included would have shocked me in times gone by, not anymore I couldn't wait to try them, and we did and I can honestly say it has changed my sex life completely, it is all about having fun and trying new things, but most important is to talk, if you like something or don't - they can not read our minds. lol We have now moved onto playing sub/master role just in the bedroom it is just about fun, we have got lots more toys to help and we have so much fun & lots of pleasure of course! hehe OH has done things to me that I had never experienced and the pleasure I get is unbelievable, I used to be able to go months without sex and it never bothered me, I have gone even longer, but now!! OH went away for 10 days & it was torture. I can't wait to see him now and get him undressed and I have never been like that before, but now I feel sexy and so relaxed I am like a different person.
I would try to get him on the forums on LH it may help him talk about what he may want to try but is too shy to suggest? Also you could look at the toys together on LH make it fun?
Good luck x
Hi Corrie, communication, communication, communication. You are lucky in 1 way if he is more happy talking about it than the actual physical side at the moment then use it. Be brave and discuss what you would like to do.
Secondly by joining this forum you could not ask for a better, friendlier and honest way to help you explore this. The ladies/girls on her will give you lots of great ideas.
Lastly on a personal note my Wifey and I have been married for 25 yrs and still on occasions find something's embarrassing to talk about , it's just part of an ever growing relationship
Thank you so much guys. I do think both our confidence is low. We both aren't entirety happy with ourselves. I'm currently losing weight which is helping me feel more comfortable and sexy.
I've brought up this issue with him before. Because I strongly agree that communication is very important. He just agreed and nothing else was said. I think next time I will take more of a lead. And try to talk more during to get him used to being more vocal as to what he likes/don't likes and what he wants to do etc.
He doesn't like porn. Never has interested him so that's a no go. I've jokingly mentioned it but he just looks at me with disgust or a 'you must be kidding' look lol!
Maybe for Christmas I'll bring him on here and say I want something. But for him to get something he would also want to try.
I'm not unhappy with our sex life, far from it but for us to be more open with each other would improve it greatly.
Oh bless your hearts. Shyness can be really difficult to overcome and everyone is right, communication is the key.
My partner was very shy in the beginning, he still is now two years on but not as shy as he was, we're getting there slowly.
If you don't feel you can say what you want face to face, maybe write him a letter and leave it where he will find it, put into writing how you feel and what you would like to try. He might feel comfortable writing back instead of speaking to you about it. Shyness is usually because of fear of ridicule or humiliation or rejection, I think if you open the door by laying your cards on the table he will know that you're not going to shoot him down in flames. He's probably scared you won't want the same things or that he won't be good at the things you do want...wondering can he live up to your expectations. Make it clear that this is a journey that you take together and most importantly it should be FUN! I might be weird but I find my partners shyness a turn on sometimes, can't explain why! Best of luck and do let us know how you get on xCorrieA wrote:
Thank you so much guys. I do think both our confidence is low. We both aren't entirety happy with ourselves. I'm currently losing weight which is helping me feel more comfortable and sexy.
I've brought up this issue with him before. Because I strongly agree that communication is very important. He just agreed and nothing else was said. I think next time I will take more of a lead. And try to talk more during to get him used to being more vocal as to what he likes/don't likes and what he wants to do etc.
He doesn't like porn. Never has interested him so that's a no go. I've jokingly mentioned it but he just looks at me with disgust or a 'you must be kidding' look lol!
Maybe for Christmas I'll bring him on here and say I want something. But for him to get something he would also want to try.
I'm not unhappy with our sex life, far from it but for us to be more open with each other would improve it greatly.
You're more than welcome; It may be good for him to come on here, and be more open with things.
Why not try the IOU cards? You can both give them to each other for a laugh when doing things and then 'cash them in' it may bring him out of the box a little bit and you.
I know communication is key ect, but with my experiance from this with my first sexual BF we communucated a lot, and during that communication I seriously intended to make the first move, but the communication wasn't key in this I knew exactly how he felt, I knew what he wanted but it was more action the more I thought about it the harder the action was. We kept talking about it, I kept saying I was going to make the effort and try, and I honestly did mean that it's just I couldn't get it out of my head enough to make the move. Once the first move is out of the way it will be a lot easier (Well in my experiance it was anyways).
GL xxx
How about trying some of these games. That way you can do things without actually asking the other person to do it,
The games are such a good idea! We do have some sex dice but the combinations were usually odd and not exactly a turn on. The iou cards and the board game seem like so much fun. Definitely something to think about :)
I have been in a relationship where I seem to be always the one making moves and instigating things all the time, at first it became very frustrating and I did get annoyed but after talking openly about it, things got better I undestood my partners side of things meaning they where shy and how they found it hard to just go for it, I stopped getting frustrated knowing what I knew and we just worked together to make things more open and excitng. over time it has got miles better.
After all it is hard to change how we are
Games have really helped me and my other half,i think it helps because its not each other coming up with suggestions or having to make a move, its the game directing us and that really helps to break the ice and get things started,
My OH and I used to be quite shy, but talking about what we like and what we would like to try helped our confidence. Now we're both very confident in the bedroom and have fun. Communication and trust is the key to a healthy sex life in my opinion.
If you have been together for 2 years and he is still shy in bed, it's time for you to take the lead missy. Hugs x