I know this may sound like the most unlikely thing to hear (well, read, technically) on here but one of the things that is affecting mine and my boyfriend's relationship at the moment is the fact that toys are a huge turn on for him - and while I have a fairly extensive collection (did for a long time pre-him), i dont feel confident enough to use them with him watching.
I hate the way i look and i feel anxious at the thought of being so "under the spotlight" so to speak... But I know this is something that's winding him up (amongst other things) and I would imagine it's entirely possible he feels a little excluded... I don't think he understands at all that i DO want to use them in front of him - in theory its a bit of a turn on - but in practice i couldnt, due to the afforementioned shyness.
Has anyone else felt this way at first and managed to overcome their shyness?
Yep, she let me use them on her, and then to ensure l was doing the right thing, she gradually took overv til she was doing it all herself- simple but effective c'est non !!!
I hate the way i look and i feel anxious at the thought of being so "under the spotlight" so to speak... But I know this is something that's winding him up (amongst other things) and I would imagine it's entirely possible he feels a little excluded... I don't think he understands at all that i DO want to use them in front of him - in theory its a bit of a turn on - but in practice i couldnt, due to the afforementioned shyness.
We've always found a bottle of wine to rid us of any shyness. Don't be afraid about how you look because I can guarantee that his jaw will be on the floor watching you work your magic. Women in pleasure look AMAZING and it really helps us out with knowing how to use the toys to their best advantage. Have you told him that you just get shy in front of him? maybe all it'll take is a quick chat for him to rid you of any worries you have about the whole affair and then you'll be seeking out the limelight.
my hubby and i have talked about this and he says that most men do not see women the same way as they see themselves. They dont see the wobbly bits, and all the other insecurities
Your oh would prob be thrilled for you to share your toys with him, my hubby is really turned on by watchin me using toys and i dont have the perfect body but i know thats not what is on this mind at the time,
just give it a go and i bet you have a great time, men love it , its the fact that you are letting yourself get carried away in front of them.
Yep, she let me use them on her, and then to ensure l was doing the right thing, she gradually took overv til she was doing it all herself- simple but effective c'est non !!!
TB
That could be an idea...
sxe_couple21 wrote:
LivingFire wrote:
I hate the way i look and i feel anxious at the thought of being so "under the spotlight" so to speak... But I know this is something that's winding him up (amongst other things) and I would imagine it's entirely possible he feels a little excluded... I don't think he understands at all that i DO want to use them in front of him - in theory its a bit of a turn on - but in practice i couldnt, due to the afforementioned shyness.
We've always found a bottle of wine to rid us of any shyness. Don't be afraid about how you look because I can guarantee that his jaw will be on the floor watching you work your magic. Women in pleasure look AMAZING and it really helps us out with knowing how to use the toys to their best advantage. Have you told him that you just get shy in front of him? maybe all it'll take is a quick chat for him to rid you of any worries you have about the whole affair and then you'll be seeking out the limelight.
I have told him, and his own words it's "b*ll*cks!" - because he tells me I am gorgeous, and thus I apparently must believe it? I've tried pointing out it's not exactly the way it works... But I do appreciate hearing it, lol!
sexelle wrote:
my hubby and i have talked about this and he says that most men do not see women the same way as they see themselves. They dont see the wobbly bits, and all the other insecurities
Your oh would prob be thrilled for you to share your toys with him, my hubby is really turned on by watchin me using toys and i dont have the perfect body but i know thats not what is on this mind at the time,
just give it a go and i bet you have a great time, men love it , its the fact that you are letting yourself get carried away in front of them.
Thats the thing, i have a feeling once i get started with it, it'll all be okay and we'll both have a great time... but it's just getting past that initial hurdle. Gah.
Just a thought, but if you used the toys on yourself whilst you were blindfolded, do you think that would help your feelings enough to allow him to watch?
Just a thought, but if you used the toys on yourself whilst you were blindfolded, do you think that would help your feelings enough to allow him to watch?
Hmm, I don't know... I'm honestly not sure if i'd feel more or less anxious. It's an idea though.. will give it some thought...
hmmm you MUST not necessarily believe what he say is true but you MUST believe thats what how he sees you and to be honest in this situation I can't see anything else that matters.
LF...as a guy, I just want to say....from our point of view in times like this...it's IRRELEVANT what you think! We are obviously with a girl because we are attracted to her and therefore it might be normal for you to not find yourself sexy and gorgeous...we do! So when you don't have the confidence to do what we want we just dont get it!
If you look at it from our eyes....you're this sexual object that we lust after and we get excited over you and get turned on by you...we don't notice if there's a couple of stretchmarks here and there or if you have a mole on your arm!
Also, if you're playing with toys in front of him, trust me...he wont be thinking about anything else.
I know this doesnt offer a solution to your problem, but I'm just trying to explain a man's mentality to you. From our point of view, it does the relationship more damage because, a) We obviously get the impression that you dont feel secure or comfortable around us, and its a man's job to make his girlfriend/wife feel that way, b) Because we can't see it from your point of view...it leads to a massive amount of frustration.
I know it's hard LF, but just try your best to say....FUCK IT. Just do it....ask yourself....is he gonna love you for doing it for him or is he going to run away and leave you?! Of course it's the first one!
Try and be brave and give it a go....if once you try it and it really is unbearable for you and you can't do it again, I'm sure he'll understand, though I guess that when you see his reaction and how much he enjoys it, you might just start to enjoy it yourself!
I know this may sound like the most unlikely thing to hear (well, read, technically) on here but one of the things that is affecting mine and my boyfriend's relationship at the moment is the fact that toys are a huge turn on for him - and while I have a fairly extensive collection (did for a long time pre-him), i dont feel confident enough to use them with him watching.
I hate the way i look and i feel anxious at the thought of being so "under the spotlight" so to speak... But I know this is something that's winding him up (amongst other things) and I would imagine it's entirely possible he feels a little excluded... I don't think he understands at all that i DO want to use them in front of him - in theory its a bit of a turn on - but in practice i couldnt, due to the afforementioned shyness.
Has anyone else felt this way at first and managed to overcome their shyness?
My wife has similar hang ups and although she has a rabbit and another vibrator, I do not recall ever seeing her use them with me in the room which I would love to be able to share that.
I *think* she feels very self-conscious about her body, but she should realise that I find her attractive as certain things can't lie!! words may but a raging erection is hard to fake!
I have bought a couple of those board games and am hoping those, combined with some wine or whatever will help loosen things up a bit over christmas while we both have plenty of time away from work.
One thing you could maybe do is play with the toys in bed, but with a bed cover still over your body. So he is with you and enjoying what you are enjoying, but not actually WATCHING what you do, and then gradually work from there?
Is it your perception of your body image that bothers you about it!? If so i know what you mean, i have major issues with my body! Have you considered dressing up and trying to play in front of him! That way you might not feel so exposed and may be able to let go a bit more.
I think this is a case where the old "fake it til you make it" trick comes in handy. If you play with toys in front of your bloke he will think you are a goddess. Now you just have to pretend/convince yourself that you are one!!!
Strapon has largely the same mentality as my boy does, they don't care about love handles or stretch marks, just the horny naked lady in front of them. It really does help to have a bloke that appreciates how you look (however that may be) and my boy has done wonders for my self-esteem to the point where I'm quite happy to jiggle about naked all day if the fancy takes me! It seems like your guy is hot for you so believe him!
Just to add to the suggestions, maybe if you both masturbate at the same time, you won't be in the spotlight so much. Maybe start masturbating each other then do yourselves, but not just him watching you. You get to watch him as well! Kinda makes you less like a performing seal and part of an experience that should turn you on as well if you enjoy watching him. Hell maybe even get him to masturbate in front of you alone first and build up to doing it for him.
Or maybe make him a wee video of you doing it alone so you can build up to him being in the room as well.
I don't actually think that the partner's mentality matters when it comes to self confidence. If it did, then all the partner would have to do is say something nice, and that would make it all better. But we all know that never works.
I think the important thing is how a person feels. And if a person feels unattractive, or embarrassed, or self-conscious, then that is not going to change no matter what their partner's mentality is. And believe me, no pressure from a partner is ever going to help.
I think it's really important to validate and honour a person's feelings, even if we don't think they're reality-based, because for the person feeling them, they are as real as it gets. I think that to just dismiss those feelings by saying "I don't care about that" or "You look great", can never feel good to the person with the insecure feelings. They're the ones experiencing these feelings, not you, so I think that's why saying nice things never helps.
Oh, I forgot to say that a person with feelings such as LivingFire describes, is unlikely to have got them because of a partner's attitude. So a partner indicating their positive attitude is unlikely to help, because those feelings were most likely there before the person ever met that partner.
Lubyanka, you're spot on. I appreciate what he is saying is truthful, I understand he thinks I am gorgeous, but it doesn't make me feel any less unnatractive. And yes, my issues and negative feelings were indeed, there a long time before I met my boyfriend. The pressure thing is true too, every time I feel pushed towards, well, anything... I tend to run like hell.
It's something I know I need to work on for the sake of our relationship though - and not just the toy aspect but confidence in general as it affects what happens in the bedroom, and I know that's driving a wedge between us at the moment.
Don't beat yourself up about it though LF. We've all got our hang-ups and issues and it's really good that you're working on yours. I can't be of any more help than that but I am sure you will address this and feel heaps better for it. Good luck *hugs*