So.. my boyfriend won't talk sex =(

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Morning all,

I'm after a bit of advice. My boyfriend has stopped talking to me about anything sex related and it's driving me nuts.

When we first got together, and for long while after, we would exchange naughty texts and pictures, have phone sex, the lot. I've noticed over the last year that he has stopped talking about anyting to do with sex whatsoever and if I ever bring it up via text. phone, whatever, he will change the subject or give really short answers like "ok" or "sounds good". He will talk about it to some extent in person.

In the week, we had a really amazing session of foreplay, with some light anal play involved, and he seemed to really be into it. We couldn't actually have sex because we'd ran out of condoms. We were both left really really horny so the next day when we were shopping, I picked some up and gave him a cheeky wink. We went home, watched a film, and went to bed. I tried cuddling up to him, nothing. I told him he seemed really distracted and off with me, and he apologised and said he was a bit worried about money this month. I shrugged it off and went to sleep.

Then, last night, while he was in work, I text him saying I was horny and what did he think about trying anal? (for me, not him). He said "um I would try it, I guess" I text back saying that I would like to try it, but start out with something small etc etc, he text back "ok". It turned into a big argument, because I said I couldn't talk to him about sex, and he said it made him feel uncomfortable, and he feels weird talking about "all that stuff".

I reassurred him that it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and I like to be open with him and would love it to be a two way thing. I told him that after 5 years of being together, I would expect us to feel comfortable enough around each other that we would talk about anything and everything, but I always feel like im treading on egg shells when I talk about sex because I know he will change the subject or go all quiet on me. He said that he does feel comfortable around me "obviously" but feels weird talking about sex.

Am I wrong to be annoyed and upset by this? Like I said, we've been together for almost 5 years, and we used to be able to talk about sex openly. He will talk about it openly in person but I don't see him all that often because of our different work patterns so would love to be able to exchange texts, emails and phone calls.

Anyone able to offer any advice or share anything? Thanks :) x

2

This could be stress related....if he is worried aobut work/money etc he could feel sex is the last thing he has space in his head for, and the more he feels he has ti think and discuss it the harder it is.

Has he come form a back ground where sex was not openly discussed...

intially he may have been all fired up with new relationship etc but as things has settled down he just feels harder to discuss things. Sounds daft but there could be some logic running round his mind.

Maybe some time just enjoying each others company with no sex talk may be reuired..go back to dating and getting to kno each other again...Could be once pressure is off he can relax and starting sharign again.

3

@smirnoff09 ... i agree could be stress related or possibly his upbringing

i was raised by parents of the generation that just didnt tell kids anything at all not even the basics (and being female thats hard)

with my husband i found it really hard to open up and enjoy sex esp as we both had parents of the same generation so we both didnt really know how to talk about it etc

my husband is now my ex husband and i have a great guy in my life for sexy fun and we do chat about it discuss it explore it he is younger than i am but only by 7yrs

my ex husband is also now able to enjoy and explore in his own sex life as we do chat to each other still (we do have a daughter)

so yes maybe going back to treating time together as dates rather than living in each others pockets is a good idea take the pressure off both of you

4

Oh my God... My boyfriend is exactly the same! We're together almost three years... Sometimes he's ok with texting about it, whereas I'm a bit awkward as I don't know what to say etc... But if I ever text him and it's obvious I wanna talk about sex, he will do the same thing. It's either 'ok' or he will change the subject completely.

Really frustrates me and I totally know where you're coming from, it takes a lot of confidence to initiate things and to be rejected or have a wall put up, its upsetting and off putting.

Would love to know how to resolve this issue! Could be stress, but still frustrating either way.

5

could be stress could be the guys feel a bit intimidated, women being overtly sexual can be a bit scary I think.

6

Hi guys, thanks for replying.

I don't think it's a stress issue, though. Its been like this for about a year, maybe even longer.

The upbring thing is interesting. He has 2 sisters and a younger brother, but he is very much the middle child- the girls are 30 and 32, his brother is 12 and he is 22, so he didn't really have anyone to talk to about that stuff I guess. His parents also broke up when he was about 4, and as a result he was cared for by his grandmother a lot of the time, as his mum worked a lot. So perhaps that could have something to do with it. I'm very very close with my older sister of 2 years, and my parents have always been able to talk about anything with us so maybe that's why I feel more comfortable.

I like the idea of the going back to dating kind of thing, but now I feel like I can't bring up anything with him- my confidence is pretty low at the moment, because if he thinks its weird, uncomfortable or embarrassing to talk about sex and stuff to do with it, then it makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit silly in turn. We're also each others first 'serious' partners so maybe thats contributing as well?

Either way, I'm fed up. I know its hard to do something you're not comfortable with and I would never want him to feel more out of his comfort zone by doing it, but it just makes me feel like he's uncomfortable with me and our relationship. After 5 years, it feels like he's embarrassed to talk to me about anything he wants to which shouldn' be the case. He has no trouble talking about and making plans for our future, which I would have thought was more scary. I'm just so confused now.

7

gunther wrote:

could be stress could be the guys feel a bit intimidated, women being overtly sexual can be a bit scary I think.

Understand what you're saying, Gunther, but don't think thats it either :(

Like I said, he used to be fine with it, and it would often be him to start tehe conversation. It's not like I bring sex up all the time, either. The most I ever go past "I'm horny" is only about once a month, because I know there's no point, but still like to try my luck.

8

Could just be a number of small factors building up. How long has this been going on?

Sometimes I go through a phase of not being able to keep my hands off Ms Astral (to her mild irritation!), but in the past I've been through phases where - for no single reason, or no set of reasons I can figure out - where sex has been the last thing on my mind.

The worrying thing is not the reduced sex drive. That's natural and part of the normal ups and downs of life.

The thing to be concerned about is a lack of communication. Rather than framing it as "talking/not talking about sex", perhaps approach it as a lack of communication, and tell him that you really want him to feel like he could discuss anything with you. And if he can't talk to you about something you already share, what if there was a problem which only affected him? It's only natural that you want to be able to support him.

Then give him time to process this. Don't push it. Guys are slow like that. He'll probably open up to you in his own time.

That's just my thoughts, and I'm no expert. Feel free to disregard it entirely!

9

I suffered a period of stress earlier in the summer and as a result, my sex drive was all over the place, one day I was as horny as hell, the next I was not interested. My wife noticed that I was also very short tempered.

I went through a period when I felt I just could not cope with me workload, could not focus and was not interested in anything.

I ended up going to see my GP, who was great, she put me on some fairly mild medication and gave me a general check up to make sure that there were no underling issues. I was signed off work for five days and then had reduced hours for two weeks until I got over it.

If your boy friend's actions are unusual, it might be worth suggesting he talks to his GP.

HH

10

QueenC wrote:

gunther wrote:

could be stress could be the guys feel a bit intimidated, women being overtly sexual can be a bit scary I think.

Understand what you're saying, Gunther, but don't think thats it either :(

Like I said, he used to be fine with it, and it would often be him to start tehe conversation. It's not like I bring sex up all the time, either. The most I ever go past "I'm horny" is only about once a month, because I know there's no point, but still like to try my luck.

My wife has never said anything like "Im horny" in 30 yrs.....maybe try a different way to seduce him, or leave him with the impression he is doiing the seduction, dont talk about things like anal....just do it (works for us anyway)

11

Thanks for the suggestions guys.

I don't know whats going on, really. I'm not coming on too strong or doing anything wrong apparently, and his sex drive has been normal. He just "feels weird talking about that stuff" and doesn't know why.

I know I'm probably making a big deal over nothing, but it's really gotten to me. I feel like I can't talk to him about how I feel because I know it's making him feel guilty, which isn't my intention at all. I just want a reason why, and then I could deal with it, rather than just "I don't know" all the time.

12

sex mad lover wrote:

@smirnoff09 ... i agree could be stress related or possibly his upbringing

i was raised by parents of the generation that just didnt tell kids anything at all not even the basics (and being female thats hard)

with my husband i found it really hard to open up and enjoy sex esp as we both had parents of the same generation so we both didnt really know how to talk about it etc

my husband is now my ex husband and i have a great guy in my life for sexy fun and we do chat about it discuss it explore it he is younger than i am but only by 7yrs

my ex husband is also now able to enjoy and explore in his own sex life as we do chat to each other still (we do have a daughter)

so yes maybe going back to treating time together as dates rather than living in each others pockets is a good idea take the pressure off both of you

I can relate to this, the difference is I lost my husband and it took a while before I thought about becoming involved with someone else. He is 5 years younger than me but makes me feel much more comfortable talking about sex and particularly about what I want/enjoy.

There are lots of reasons why people stop talking about sex, stress is a major one. Maybe you could try talking to him about why he is feeling uncomfortable talking about 'that stuff' without acctually talking about the specifics of what you want to try.

xGGx

13

Hi GG :)

He is a bit stressed, but this hasn't been a sudden thing, it just got less and less really over the past year or so. I've asked why talking about sex is uncomfortable for him and he just says he doesn't know. I thought that perhaps it was because he was in work, and not really in the mood, but in the past I've tried while he was in bed and I was visiting family away from home (that time was just a simple sort of, 'I'm in bed, wish you were here' approach), but he still just brushed it off.

I've told him that last night was my final attempt, and I'll stop trying to push it. He ignored me and later, when he did reply, changed the subject. Looks like I'm fighting a losing battle.

14

Some times I find sexting, boring. If a guy is full on or goes on about it near enough everytime we are communicating when not in person, it seems to make me go a little bit distant. Like I'm not being appreciated for me and that that person is more into the sexual side, than me as their partner.

Maybe that's how he feels?

Let him initiate things, don't lead into arguments, if he seems offish, then change the subject.

15

Queen C do you tell him you love him well and often?

16

Blueeyes82 wrote:

Some times I find sexting, boring. If a guy is full on or goes on about it near enough everytime we are communicating when not in person, it seems to make me go a little bit distant.

Hi blueeyes. It's not just sexting though. Its anything sex related, which is why I find it so..odd. I get what you mean though, if it seemed like all I was interested was sex, then I would understand, but it's only ever once a month, roughly, that I try my luck.

gunther wrote:

Queen C do you tell him you love him well and often?

I tell him I love him everyday, yeah. We have a very good relationship for the best part, which is why I don't get this.

I know I'm making a big deal of something thats only a small portion of our relationship but I just wish I could understand.

17

QueenC wrote:

I tell him I love him everyday, yeah. We have a very good relationship for the best part, which is why I don't get this.

I know I'm making a big deal of something thats only a small portion of our relationship but I just wish I could understand.

i am in a similar situation.......just live with it.....sex isnt the whole world and bye and large with us it is good

18

Maybe he's just on a downer?

19

Do not under estimate the effect stress and stress about money can have ...I know as I have had it recently.

Stress takes away pleasure from all areas and prays on your mind so you can not relax, and if you are not relaxed you can not possibly enjoy things to the full, and that includes sex...just the fact that he has mentioned it is a big thing for us blokes.

i know it has affected my performance and libido and the last thing one needs is more pressure.

Take things easy, don't pressurise him and hopefully his stress problems will subside and normal service will be resumed

20

I seem to remember going through a similar issue with my ex, we were also together for 5 years and he never responded to my sexy texts.

I love sending naughty texts and photos, especially as I don't see my boyfriend very much. But not everyone is like that and I know that if it's shoved in their face all the time they'll do their best to ignore it. I think that my open attitude about sex stems from the fact that sex has always been talked about openly in my family and I think my new boyfriend was brought up in the same way so we seem to be more sexually compatible. However, with others who have been brought up to feel that sex is bad and not to be openly discussed, they are bound to feel more uncomfortable!

As others have said, it may be more than just him not feeing comfortable talking about sex. He may be stressed, low or worried. However, as it's been going on for over a year now I really think you should try to talk to him about it.

Ask him if he'd rather you stopped texting him about sex. It may just be that he doesn't want to talk about it unless he's actually with you.

Is your sex life actually suffering? Seems like you were enjoying some good foreplay the other day. It's a shame that he turned cold the next day but maybe he was just having a bad day? x