Wondered if anyone had ever looked into getting a sperm donor for a same sex relationship or because of infertility problems?
I'm looking on a couple of websites but I have very set ideas on what I want from a sperm donor for myself and my partner and I don't know if I am being too picky...
aka I want to get to know them over a few years so there is a full understanding of their personality, family, history, humor etc but know them on the basis that we will want repeat donation, I want to know about any other children they have & I want them to ONLY donate to me and my partner.... Is that too much to ask?
Maybe but you might have to pay a lot of money for this. And go through legal procedures to make sure of individuality. Anyway good luck Chels i know where your'e coming from i hope you can make it work
Never been in that kind of situation before sweetie! but I do know what you mean, An no, I don't think you're asking too much!
If I was in the same shoes, I'ld be exactly the same.
It's something I definately wouldn't rush as I see you feel the same way! You really need to get to know them first and make sure there are plenty of ground rules etc layed out.
Not sure who or where you would go to, But if I hear anything or find anything I'll let you know.
ok its a bit off topic ... but there is a film called the switch ..which shows the trials and tribulations of sperm donars .. it is a comedy so there is a twist ... but the emotional part of the process i think they got . Anyways I think more than a legal standpoint its more of a connection between you guys and the donar. I hope it all goes well for you!!
Are you talking about a stranger off the internet or an through the 'proper' channels?
I assume asking someone for an 'exclusivity' deal doesn't have any legal protection...
Hi WandA.... from what I know "proper channels" usually mean that the donor gets to be "Unknown" meaning we'd never know what he looked like (a major issue as I'd like to find someone with similar looks to my partner) and also apart from generic things about family history and health problems, you never get to know their personality.
I'd like to meet someone, if its off the internet than thats fine, and then draw up on the legal protections afterwards.... "Exclusivity" would mainly be not donating to other women or couples so there isn't 100's of children out there that are his... if they were married and had a baby or 5 it wouldn't matter so much as they would obviously know their children and there would be less risk of my babies bumping into someone, getting genetic attraction and marrying their half sibling!
Legal sides of things - I don't know much about but I presume that we can draw up our own contracts/protections where he wont have any obligations or rights?!
Legal sides of things - I don't know much about but I presume that we can draw up our own contracts/protections where he wont have any obligations or rights?!
x
it might be well worth checking with a solicitor though hun, then you definatley know what is the legal standpoints. very often in family law its not as simple as it seems.
Are you talking about a stranger off the internet or an through the 'proper' channels?
I assume asking someone for an 'exclusivity' deal doesn't have any legal protection...
Hi WandA.... from what I know "proper channels" usually mean that the donor gets to be "Unknown" meaning we'd never know what he looked like (a major issue as I'd like to find someone with similar looks to my partner) and also apart from generic things about family history and health problems, you never get to know their personality.
I'd like to meet someone, if its off the internet than thats fine, and then draw up on the legal protections afterwards.... "Exclusivity" would mainly be not donating to other women or couples so there isn't 100's of children out there that are his... if they were married and had a baby or 5 it wouldn't matter so much as they would obviously know their children and there would be less risk of my babies bumping into someone, getting genetic attraction and marrying their half sibling!
Legal sides of things - I don't know much about but I presume that we can draw up our own contracts/protections where he wont have any obligations or rights?!
x
Fair enough. Of course the strictest health checks are in place for the 'proper channels' (Some STDs such as HIV can take up to 6 months to show, not so much a problem with a frozen sample). If it is only genetic reasons you are concerned I imagine the relevant authorities consider that, I think there is an upper limit on the number of donations.
Regardless of what way you choose I think it is best to consult the official sources, even for advice. As SL says talking to someone well versed in the law on these matters would be a great idea, just as a donor can be chased up for child support he would also have parental rights if it's not done properly.
You cannot just shed or sell rights as you can with many other commodities so it really is best to speak to the official channels in my opinion.
I just wanted to wish you luck, I have a good friend (who is also my child minder) who is in a same sex marriage and they have a daughter through a sperm donor, they did it through the proper channels and she knows what the donor looks like and got to choose a donor to be a similar to her partner as possible.
I don't know all of the ins and outs but I do know that it took them 5 years to actually conceive.
Do you know anyone that you could talk to about it so that you can get a better idea of what it is that you should expect, I can understand you wanting to know as much as possible.
This is probabably a really studid question, but if you don't go through "proper channels" how does the whole thing work? I'm kind of assuming you need some kind of doctor involvment to make sure fertilisation happens. I guess the alternative would be a bit like a turkey baster, but that could take quite a lot of attempts to be successful.
Apologies, and feel free to ignore this and bring the conversation back out of the gutter!
I dont mind helping out, I have super sperm and get get people preggers from 100yrds :(
Lol, poor you!
I would love to say: I will help you out but from a guys point of view... Donating to someone else would be a really tricky point of view to bring up to a partner (current or future). "Do you have kids": erm...
I just wanted to wish you luck, I have a good friend (who is also my child minder) who is in a same sex marriage and they have a daughter through a sperm donor, they did it through the proper channels and she knows what the donor looks like and got to choose a donor to be a similar to her partner as possible.
I don't know all of the ins and outs but I do know that it took them 5 years to actually conceive.
Do you know anyone that you could talk to about it so that you can get a better idea of what it is that you should expect, I can understand you wanting to know as much as possible.
hi Boobaloo - no, i don't know anyone who has actually gone through it but I'd love to get in touch with people so I can really understand it all when I am ready for it to happen! Thus why I am looking into it now because apparently finding a sperm donor can be the hardest part of all!! Us lesbo's never have it easy External Media
As for you friend, 5 yrs is such a long time... Did they do it through artificial insemination? Or have any fertility problems? I know that if people want to do it through IVF it can be such a long time and with same sex IVF, its not offered on the NHS.
lol... thanks monster geezer - wanna come stand at 99yrds from us in about 5yrs time? :P
Fair enough. Of course the strictest health checks are in place for the 'proper channels' (Some STDs such as HIV can take up to 6 months to show, not so much a problem with a frozen sample). If it is only genetic reasons you are concerned I imagine the relevant authorities consider that, I think there is an upper limit on the number of donations.
Regardless of what way you choose I think it is best to consult the official sources, even for advice. As SL says talking to someone well versed in the law on these matters would be a great idea, just as a donor can be chased up for child support he would also have parental rights if it's not done properly.
You cannot just shed or sell rights as you can with many other commodities so it really is best to speak to the official channels in my opinion.
Oh I totally agree with you - Aids tests and every other test you can have is of the utmost importance and if we get selection with the proper channels, I'd much rather do it that way than privately... however, I want it to be completely above board and legal, I don't want to feel as if we've had our choices taken from us by being forced into a private organisation for sperm.
A Family lawyer would be one of my first steps. I know that to have my partner on the birth certificate it has been mentioned that pregnancy has to be carried out by IVF... how true this is I'm not sure but its all stuff we have to look into! I've already mentioned it to my Gynecologist who took a lot of interest in it all so I'm hoping he'll be able to push us in the right direction for fertility doctors and Ob's when the time comes...
I agree with you though - official channels are the best way to start looking but I don't want to be laughed away from them because I do actually expect the world.
Hiya, we where talking about this this morning, she was 30 when she started trying, (not sure how old you are but age does make a difference to fertility), as far as I am aware she didn't have any fertility problems but as you know you need to pay for it privately so I am not sure how much of an effect that had on the length of time it took.
Apart from that and that she went to a clinic in London I don't know much else, her daughter is 10 now though so things might be slightly different to how they where, for instance when her daughter started school they wouldn't let her have two Mums on the system as it couldnt understand that, now she can as it has been changed (and for the better I think).
Fair enough. Of course the strictest health checks are in place for the 'proper channels' (Some STDs such as HIV can take up to 6 months to show, not so much a problem with a frozen sample). If it is only genetic reasons you are concerned I imagine the relevant authorities consider that, I think there is an upper limit on the number of donations.
Regardless of what way you choose I think it is best to consult the official sources, even for advice. As SL says talking to someone well versed in the law on these matters would be a great idea, just as a donor can be chased up for child support he would also have parental rights if it's not done properly.
You cannot just shed or sell rights as you can with many other commodities so it really is best to speak to the official channels in my opinion.
Oh I totally agree with you - Aids tests and every other test you can have is of the utmost importance and if we get selection with the proper channels, I'd much rather do it that way than privately... however, I want it to be completely above board and legal, I don't want to feel as if we've had our choices taken from us by being forced into a private organisation for sperm.
A Family lawyer would be one of my first steps. I know that to have my partner on the birth certificate it has been mentioned that pregnancy has to be carried out by IVF... how true this is I'm not sure but its all stuff we have to look into! I've already mentioned it to my Gynecologist who took a lot of interest in it all so I'm hoping he'll be able to push us in the right direction for fertility doctors and Ob's when the time comes...
I agree with you though - official channels are the best way to start looking but I don't want to be laughed away from them because I do actually expect the world.
I think you're ok to *ask* for the things your asking for and it's not to much to *ask* but there may be somethings that are not on offer through "proper" channels. You may be limiting yourself say by wanting to know a donor for 2 years - that's a lot of committment from a guy and well, what's the incentive?
But if you are prepared to compromise it may be (not that I know of course) that they can offer you knowledge of what the donor looks like and give you detailed information on history and family background (I'm sure they'll do checks for certain medical histories too) so that of course would be a compromise that may be an amenable option for you.
You are asking a lot, but by knowing what you want, what you're prepared to bend on and what is a priority to you as well as keeping an open mind then just arm yourself with as much information as you can before making your decisions. Being overprepared is rarely a bad thing!
I'd suggest having a google for some specialised forums see if you can speak to people with experience but also bare in mind that specialised forums are skewed and not representative of the whole population (you may get lots and lots of people who've had difficulties, but that's because those who sailed through the process didn't feel the need to join a forum or ask advice) so it's worth just taking everything with a little pinch of salt.
Best wishes and lots of luck for the future (I know you're just starting out researching now, but for the future!)
Oh I totally agree with you - Aids tests and every other test you can have is of the utmost importance and if we get selection with the proper channels, I'd much rather do it that way than privately... however, I want it to be completely above board and legal, I don't want to feel as if we've had our choices taken from us by being forced into a private organisation for sperm.
A Family lawyer would be one of my first steps. I know that to have my partner on the birth certificate it has been mentioned that pregnancy has to be carried out by IVF... how true this is I'm not sure but its all stuff we have to look into! I've already mentioned it to my Gynecologist who took a lot of interest in it all so I'm hoping he'll be able to push us in the right direction for fertility doctors and Ob's when the time comes...
I agree with you though - official channels are the best way to start looking but I don't want to be laughed away from them because I do actually expect the world.
Ah. Phew, I was a bit worried for a bit. The first few initial posts talking about looking at websites suggested to me you where already 'shopping' for some randomer and further down the line than you now appear to be. I didn't want to see you on Jezza Kyle!External Media
Are there not specific support networks or groups online you can get in touch with?
Thank you for your reply! I have been having a look on forums... however, been met by a number of donors who have had over 20 successful donations and don't understand why I wouldn't want to pick one of them. I think maybe my mentaility about a donor and a guy in general is very different than theirs and after all you hit the nail on the head... what's the incentive for them!! However, I'd just like a guy who actually cares where his sperm is going to and isn't willing to give it to the highest "travel expenses" bidder. Think such a man exsists??
I would compromise on not knowing the person for proper channels but then there are a number of things I wouldn't compromise on and I think that's why I've started my research so early (I don't want children for at least another 4/5years time) I don't want to be a year or two before we're ready to have children and find that I am faced with having to make decisions I could have avoided by just starting my search a lot earlier! Plus, I don't want to get any set ideas in my head for the next 5yrs to find out none of them are possible!!
Thank you for your reply though - "that's a lot of committment from a guy and well, what's the incentive?" gave me a lot more perspective on the whole thing!!
I don't think your asking for too much here but I think you'll have your work cut out getting what you want. I believe the slipping point would be wanting to to know the guy for so long first of all like AdnaW pointed out. As she said what would be the incentive for the man there? Another issue with it you may have overlooked is if your getting to know the man for so long then perhaps he'll grow attached and then end up wanting to see the kid which I doubt you'd be looking for?
Other than that I think your right to be so picky, especially when it comes down to the genetics (I'm not just saying that as a geneticist either :p) and appearences. I wish you all the best in finding a willing donor and good on you for starting your search so early. I wish I could help out but I can't really, sorry.
