Thinking about getting Sex Therapy

Sex Tips & Talk
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Evening everyone.

Apologies to mod-gods if this has already been asked (was a part-related thread from 3 years ago) but has anyone had any experience seeing a Sex Therapist at all? If so, going even more niche, seeing one as a single person struggling to enjoy sex rather than as a couple? I’m also wondering if there is a physical issue behind my experiences as well as a psychological one… so if anyone has any wisdom I am all ears.

Additional details about my perceived issue for anyone interested

I think I’ve been lying to both myself and others ever since I started having sex. I don’t think I’ve ever actually enjoyed the sensation of it and I’ve truly just spent every time praying for it to be over quickly. My favourite position is cowgirl and that’s only because it’s the position that usually gets the guy off the fastest. Any post-sex high is usually relief mixed with the endorphins from having had a good workout.

I’ve never orgasmed (through sex or masturbation, though I’ve come a lot closer through masturbation, but always hit an invisible barrier with it and I lose the feeling), don’t feel any pleasure at all from oral sex and find penetrative sex painful 90% of the time.

I never noticed anything was wrong when I was in a relationship, because even though it was painful the intimacy/closeness sex created was enough for me to feel satisfied afterwards. I’d feel great satisfaction in having provided pleasure for my ex and that would make me feel happy enough to carry on. Since being out of a relationship I’ve been trying to have one night stands. I am going over the same motions but getting nothing out of them- obviously- as you can’t build that level of intimacy in one night and I’m still not finding them physically pleasurable. The lie I’ve been telling myself after all of these is a little yay you got someone off, go you, you sexy thing rather than a wow that was pleasurable, same glow as getting an A* on a test rather than one of physical satisfaction.

Recently, I’ve even put myself in danger by not asking ONSs to wear protection, because I’ve been so afraid of condoms dulling the sensation for them meaning the sex will last longer. I realise now that I’ve was an idiot on that last point, and won’t be putting my health on the line again, but this was the rock bottom I had to hit to realise I have an issue.

For those that have been to a therapist, did you pay to go privately or get referred through your GP?

I’m feeling very overwhelmed and lost with it all so any advice or stories of people experiencing similar things (especially if you found a ‘cure’) is appreciated.

Thanks for reading, and big love as always, VWS xx

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I’ve got no experience of sex therapy, but I just wanted to lend some love and support.

I’m so sorry to read that you’ve not been enjoying things, and it’s really good that you’ve been honest with yourself to admit there is an issue. Sex should never hurt, and I agree with you that it’s important not to let things continue as they are.

I think a sex therapist definitely sounds like a wise move, some kind of safe space to talk through what you’re going through definitely wouldn’t hurt. If a sex therapist isn’t an option it might be good to speak to a regular therapist about how you are feeling in yourself at it seems you are in a bad place doing things you know are risky?

I’m so sorry that you hit rock bottom (please hun get a sexual health check-up to make sure you’re okay in that sense too).

Sending so much love your way :heart::heart::heart::heart: and here to support you xx

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I am glad you have realised the Tinder one night stands without condoms are a very bad idea. I did think that from a recent post, but thought it wasn’t my place to point it out. Also, realising you have a problem and taking action to get it sorted is the right thing to do. I am not sure how sex therapy works, but for pain, it may also be an idea to see your GP? You seem to have done a very decent job of analysing yourself. Sorry i can’t be more help! But i wish you all the best!

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Yeah it was only the once, last Monday, and very much a bad idea in hindsight.
Analysing myself comes with the territory of being in the psychology profession myself, but I have no expertise in this particular area.

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Oh that really helps, it’s not trauma for me but I’d really like to know the root of my issue and work to overcome it. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said, not seeing the point in sex, I don’t like giving or receiving oral or touching a penis either.

Thank you for sharing x

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Yeah that’s top of my to-do list. I feel like a right nob because I know better, but no point crying over spilled milk.

Thank you for your support! xx

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That is so interesting! I have always been that stereotypical “frigid”, even when it came to kissing boys (though that’s no longer an issue, I quite like the leading up to sex bits just not the act itself), and only started masturbating after I first lost my virginity which was just under 3 years ago now.
This confirms what I sort of already knew, I really need to see the GP about this, as it’s starting to affect my mental and physical health. x

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@VanillaWithSprinkles sending lots of love and support. I don’t have experience of this sort of counselling but I think seeing someone sounds like a very good idea.

Well done for realising there’s an issue and working to fix it, proud of you because it’s not easy xx

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@Justthe2ofus2007 @MsSubExperimenter thank you both, the support here tonight has been fab as always. It makes a huge difference to be able to be completely honest about myself in a “safe setting”. xx

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@VanillaWithSprinkles - Well done you for doing the hardest part… proud of you x don’t take a backward step, keeping going forward and you will get where you want to go. Do it for you, do it to get the things out of sex that make you happy - good luck and stay strong!

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@VanillaWithSprinkles your tinder post scared me too (covid risk besides everything else). You are worth more and your health is really important. Well done for a massively brave post. I hope this is the start of a path to honestly having a fantastic relationship with your sexual self x

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Got nothing to add really just echo what Mrs.john said, hope you get some answers to help you out, wishing you good luck and keep us posted on things x

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Sending so much love @VanillaWithSprinkles, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. I think it’s so important that you’ve recognised that though as that’s the first step :blush:

In the first few years that I was sexually active I definitely did things for the pure fact that I wanted them to feel pleasure. I did feel pleasure too but I definitely didn’t prioritise my own pleasure until I had more experience, realised what it was I liked and wanted from sex, and my confidence during sex had to grow a lot before I was able to express this!

I have never had first hand experience of sex therapy, but know people who have who have described it as such a game changer so I would definitely recommend. It is absolutely for single people as well so please don’t let that put you off. I think like with most therapy, how you relate to the therapist is incredibly important. Some areas do offer it through the NHS but not all. If you were to go private then I would say think about what is important to you and what would make you feel most at ease. These days there would also be lots more options as lots of professionals are offering online video calls etc so it’s less restrictive in terms of location.

Whilst a sex therapist would be able to work with you on experiencing pain during sex, it’s recommended that you see your GP first anyway to rule out any physical issues. Then a sex therapist would be able to work through any issues such as desire and psychological barriers to sex.

I know these things can always take time to set up so in the mean time, there are a number of really good sex therapists I follow on twitter who always give really good advice and links to articles or other stuff. Also on Instagram sex therapists will often do lives talking about specific issues or answering questions. And there are SO many podcasts that either feature sex therapists as guests or they have their own podcast and I find really interesting to listen to so may be good whilst you’re getting a check from the GP to have a look into these and see if any resonate with you. (I don’t think I’m allowed to name specific ones otherwise I’d give you some reccs)

I also think it’s important to throw out there that not everyone has desires for sex and some people are asexual and that is absolutely okay. I think talking things through with someone qualified will definitely help you work all these things out.

Please don’t beat yourself up about the Tinder date and not wearing protection. It’s obviously important to keep ourselves safe, and as you identified the reason you did that was for his pleasure not yours, but we all do things that we later see as a mistake (you are not alone in this I promise - been here multiple times!). You should wait over 2 weeks to get checked to give time for things to show up, but you should be able to get a postal STI check which is SO easy to do. Its completely free and they do them really quickly as well so would recommend that - just go on to your area sexual health website :+1:t2: Gone are the days of waiting hours in the clinic! (Sorry if you already knew about all this!)

I’ve rambled a crazy amount, hope there is some helpful info there. The main thing I’d say is go easy on yourself, and take it step by step :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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I know you have been given fantastic advice but I just wanted to say I think your amazing for feeling confident and comfortable enough to speak out to us all. I wish you all the best @VanillaWithSprinkles. Know your worth hunny :kissing_heart::kissing_heart:

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@VanillaWithSprinkles, really sorry to hear you’re suffering, just wanted to send you some hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

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@Buzboy @Mrs.John @D_and_E @Orgasm_Chaser @Knight1119 thanks all, I feel like you’re all looking out for me which is so nice :heart: hugs xx

@SexInTheCity wow is all I can say to that, thank you so so much for taking the time to relay all of that information. A lot of it is confidence based, fear of being rejected for speaking up or admitting I don’t know what I’m doing. I think part of the reason I’ve racked up what has to be about £1000 worth of lovehoney products (half bought by me, half testers) is that I’m searching for an answer that I just cannot find.
I will see my GP as soon as I can get an appointment.
I hadn’t even thought about social media so did a quick search and found a few to follow on Instagram and Twitter so that is an absolute gem of a suggestion.
I don’t think it’s an issue with asexuality, I want to have sex and I have a physical desire for others but the pain/anorgasmia means that I just can’t fulfil the desire at all.
As for the Tinder date, I will eventually stop kicking myself over it. I’m going to clinic hopefully Monday as that’ll mark 2 weeks from the event and I already have the day off work so timeframe-wise that’ll just have to do. I looked a while ago about postal STI checks and those aren’t done where I live.
Again, thanks so much, you’ve been a star!

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@VanillaWithSprinkles I had a scare with the ex and my Dr do self test kits that you hand bk into them. Maybe contact your nurse see if they offer that?

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I went to clinic last time I got a new sexual partner so that aspect doesn’t bother me at all, it’s the finding the time to go! Need to arrive first thing or they run out of appointments.

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I have previously seen a psychosexual therapist about an orgasm issue and found it really helpful. Therapists are just as used to seeing people by themselves so don’t worry about that.

I went to the nurse at my GP surgery first of all (was having a smear test and talking about contraception etc so seemed like a good opportunity) but she referred me to a more general therapist who worked at the surgery. I found it pretty useful (I was in a bad relationship but didn’t fully realise how crap it was) but that obviously didn’t help the issue (although I do think getting my head straight in that respect made dealing with it all easier). The next time I had a STI test at the sexual health clinic, I spoke to them and they referred me to a psychosexual therapist.

The first thing they asked me was if I was sure that the problem isn’t physical (which I realise sounds harsh, they were very nice about it, I just can’t word it nicely lol). So, i would definitely try and get an appointment for a physical check up. Especially as you mention pain as penetration shouldn’t be painful. It could be something as simple as not enough lubrication (or not enough lubrication at the right moment) or it could be a medical issue (or something else).

In terms of things you could do, I wouldn’t want to suggest too much without knowing the cause of the problem but it may be worth spending some time on your own pleasure and connecting with your body. Give yourself plenty of time so you aren’t clock watching and don’t just head straight to the obvious areas. If you like lingerie, dress up a little. Stroke your skin, maybe use a glass or metal toy in some hot/cold water and trail that across your skin, use a pinwheel or a feather (admittedly these things often feel better in someone else’s hands but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing by yourself), watch porn, look at images or read/listen to erotica or just create a fantasy in your mind, focus on your breathing (slow, fairly deep breaths), try rocking your pelvis in small, slow motions, clench and release your kegal muscles. If you want to introduce a vibrator, keep it on low setting. Basically, seduce yourself in whatever way works for you, just don’t rush it or over think it. When you are ready to touch your vulva (fingers or toy), don’t go straight for the clitoris, explore the labia and the opening to the vagina or anywhere else you want to touch.

Not sure if this is going to stray into unsolicited advice, so apologies in advance, but maybe ONS aren’t for you? At least, not a the moment. You connect intimacy and sex and rightly say that it is hard to get a lot of intimacy on a hook up. If you need intimacy, maybe looking for more of a FWB type situation might be helpful. I know it isn’t the easiest thing to find sometimes (and you will potentially end up having a lot more ONS while trying to find someone) but if ONS aren’t doing it for you, and you want to be having sex without looking for a relationship then it may be a better compromise. Admittedly, this won’t chance the amount of pleasure you are getting from sex (as you said you had problems during your relationship too) but it may just be better for your wellbeing at this time. For some people, casual sex works really well for them, for others it just doesn’t. Neither is better or worse objectively, it is purely about what you need and want. (I hope I don’t sound anti causal sex, I’m really not)

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That’s good to know, their websites just seem very couple orientated.

Preach.

See I don’t think this is talked about enough. I had absolutely no idea that it shouldn’t be painful I’d just accepted this as my normality.

I’ll give this a go for sure!

Yeah I think actually having a ONS has confirmed for me that they aren’t ideal, least not right now, though they might be better than having no sex at all? It’s all swings and roundabouts really. Right now with COVID as well, unless you’re in a relationship it’s a tough old world out there with dating. I am just trying to work out what it is that I want with it all.

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