Hi, welcome to the forum
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Hi, Babeysad!
My sex drive has been non-existant for a few years & I’ve only very recently started re-discovering it. For me, I’m a girl of habit - so I figured that instead of going without for the sake of familiarity, I would try it the other way… it’s working!
I ordered the Happy Rabbit from LH to give me a boost & wow has it done a great job so far! Nothing too big & overwhelming & exactly what type of stimulation I enjoy. Plus a couple of bodysuits that I’m comfortable in to tackle body issues that have hindered my confidence massively, which is something I’m working on. I’ve got from not wanting sex at all to having it every day.
So I guess my advice would be to do the same! Find what works for you; be playful & create new habits 
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I’d be interested in your take on things, libido wise, this new guy I’m seeing has a huge anxiety problem which affects his libido and performance…then he gets in his own head about it all. Anything you could recommend to help at all that works for both of us so I’m not just left ‘high and dry’ ?
Hi @partypixie,
First of all, welcome back!
Sounds quite a difficult situation, for both of you! No easy fixes that I could suggest unfortunately, but can relate to being on both sides (my OH spends a lot of time in her head about things too).
First questions I’d ask are around your new guy, and the anxiety itself, where that comes from and if he is doing anything to try and work through this. It’s obviously something you’re aware of and is impacting you both, is he able to talk through what is going on after the event or even during the moment when he is in his head?
The word anxiety is used in so many ways these days, it seems to be a catch all, but there could be limitless reasons behind the anxiety itself. As I mentioned in post you replied to, I’m in recovery myself, and over last 3 years done a lot of self reflection and work on my recovery - it’s not easy, but certainly been worth it. I’m happy to share more around that if you have any questions at all.
It sounds like you are both getting to know each other still, and that in itself will add to the situation you are both in, building trust, getting to know each other, unsure of how each other will or should react to situations, the usual new relationship minefield of getting to know each other.
Another assumption I am making here is you’re quite taken by the guy, you’ve took the time and effort to come on here and look for/ask for some suggestions. Well done for that, you’re already supporting him, and he will be very grateful I am sure!
As you have mentioned, the anxiety, head stuff, performance and libido are all interlinked, and most likely all feeding each other more and more, and create a negative spiral. Main suggestion is communication between the two of you, being open honest yet mindful and understanding. This becomes very difficult, as on your part it is tough. To sit and listen without judgement, and to try being empathetic is never easy, especially when someone is self critical and we simply cannot see how.
My OH is gorgeous to me, but she has times she hates her body. I have to accept how she see’s herself is true for her.
My legs (I have a progressive neurological condition) used to leave me feeling ‘defective’ and I’d use sex to prove to myself I am not. I did this for so many years, had no idea I was doing it, but when I was single and not having sex, it fed into a similar negative spiral. I was defective, women wouldn’t come near me because of that, and thats why I would stay single etc., It was all in my head!
Anyhow, I digress.
So yes, it is a very tough situation for you, as whilst you’re listening and being supportive, your insides will be screaming ‘what about me?’, especially when you’re being left ‘high and dry’ as it were. Again, need to talk about it. It is OK to have your needs too, and maybe need to think if there are alternative ways of having those met? And that might depend on type of anxiety, or situation you are in. Would your guy see a toy as a threat? Or validation he is not good enough? Maybe thats a line of discussion, that he could use toys with/on you to help satisfy your needs. It may take pressure off him a little. Just be mindful around what his ‘stuff’ is in terms of suggestions. Some guys can see toys as a threat, that they themselves are not enough. And of course, that could impact his stuff more. If that is an issue, maybe using toys solo, although it is not quite the same. Could try video calls, and saying you are struggling - you need him to tell you what to do as you cannot get over the line yourself, might help build his confidence.
The other thing can look at is just building on intimacy, trust and confidence without additional pressure. Bathing/showering together, massages, naked twister, body painting, whatever you’d both enjoy without the pressure of sex at the end of it.
After what feels like a long answer and a lot of waffle, I guess what my ultimate suggestion would be is time, patience, understanding, allowing both of you to feel vulnerable with each other, and of course communication.
Not actually sure if that is any help or if I’ve come anywhere near answering your questions, but happy to answer any questions you may have, and of course I am no expert in this stuff, just understand my own experiences a lot better these days
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Thanks, it is really helpful… This is the beginning of a journey I’m hoping … I’m slowly asking questions about his anxieties, when the moments arise, in general he’s a very anxious person, over thinks absolutely everything and is not particularly confident about his ability between the sheets…but he does have the ability to turn me on so we’ve got something to work on as a basis… He has said that some of his medication for anxiety -( he’s mentioned agoraphobia but I don’t think it’s quite that, it seems more of a social anxiety that he suffers with ) affects his libido significantly and he’d often go without sex at all due to how much he worries about his ability
When he is in the mood, he gets excited very quickly and can’t seem to delay his gratification, and I’ve noticed that he doesn’t take time afterwards, which is really going to have to be addressed sooner rather than later, because if I can at least get him more comfortable with some aftercare then that can provide some relief rather than having to go home and sort myself out alone
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It sounds like the core ingredients are there to work with, and pleased you see that and are looking to give him the support and time that will help him.
From what you have said there, I think if I was in that position I would focus on the intimacy side and spending time together naked, cuddling and touching, might help him to relax more with you, it could take the pressure off him a little and build his comfort and confidence a little.
Of course, it is important not to lose focus on your own needs with all this, and solo play may be your friend for the short term.
Its really nice to read that you’ve got a good basis, he gets you going and he has someone that is very supportive with everything. I don’t have experience around the medication side of things unfortunately so wouldn’t want to suggest anything around that.
Hopefully some time, patience, and generally slowing things down and enjoying time together naked may help him to feel he could maybe go again after a little while, and his gratification will naturally take a little longer than the last.
For me, and I believe men in general, when we cum, it’s like everything leaves. It takes a few minutes to find that ‘something’ to go again, it’s difficult to explain. Ladies are able to just carry on. I think just be mindful of that in terms of aftercare, he may need 5/10 minutes, and will have that ‘spent’ moment for a while. If his medication affects his libido, he might find that ‘spent’ feeling doesn’t pass. If that is the case, then maybe foreplay and a little guidance for him to get you where you need to be may help - when he sees he is pleasing you it should also build his confidence slowly.
We’re all unique humans, and I am sure the more you both communicate around it, the easier it will become.
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Hi, I also had this problem due to menopause and cancer treatment. Hormone testing and treatment helped me, but it is not for everyone. I was also advised that I’d lose it if I didn’t use it and my doc told me to start masturbating daily. My body started to gradually look forward to those sessions. It can be just a matter of finding what you like. Self love is definitely not the same as someone else touching you but start somewhere.
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@QueenBee i’m glad your getting some self love and its good your doctor gave you some great advise. Great to see you on the forum.
Welcome to the forum 