Think the obvious first point is to have open honest conversations about this stuff around how things are. One thing I have noted myself, is that this alone however can make it more of a ‘thing’ and can lead to person not in the mood feeling under pressure to find a solution.
Me and my OH are going through this experience to a degree at the moment, and some of our conversations made it feel more intense.
I want to make it all about my needs, my feeling rejected and unwanted, poor me me me! Of course thats not what I say, but its my initial reaction, and it’s not possible to hide disappointment and rejection at times.
Intimacy and sex are a absolutely a two way thing and has to be mutually enjoyable, so I just ask if there is anything I can do to help and support her with anything she has going on. I am sure my behavior at times does not help. Either way, people places and things, out of my control - my feelings around it are all I have.
It gives me a chance to look at what’s going on for me:
Why is sex such a big thing for me?
Why do I struggle with the rejection?
What the feck is going on with my thoughts and behaviors around it?
Potential trigger warning here - some of the stuff that goes through my head
There has been times my head becomes nothing short of a monster, all morals and values out the window - I need what I believe I am entitled too! This goes on whilst she is sleeping next to me, I want to grope her, wake her up and have my way with her. Her thoughts and beliefs don’t come into it. If I’m cuddling her, my hands will start to wander and it’s not always something I am consciously aware of. So I then avoid cuddling, which makes me (and my OH) feel like I am punishing her for not being in the mood.
I can assure you, that is not me as a person, and I become consumed. There has been times I have had to leave her house at 2am because of this. Solo play doesn’t help at the time either.
Oh, I might add here I am an addict in recovery, my head default wants to be 150mph forward or flat out reverse!
I do not act on the obsession to get what I feel I need, as scary and horrible as it makes me sound, but I have to be open and honest about it. I tell my partner of course and we talk it through. She apologizes, I mean WTF!? She has nothing to apologize for.
And I do tell her no, this is a me thing that I have to work out. Her body is NOT mine, I do not own her in any way, I am honored to be able to share my deepest secrets with her without fear of judgement.
Hmmmm maybe I have digressed a little from point I was trying to make, apols.
But yeah, for me all things happen for a reason. And this is something I need to resolve, the head stuff, the way it impacts my behaviors like the next day after feeling rejected, my vulnerabilities.
This is the only way it needs to be about me, it is me that needs the acceptance and to work on myself and why it really brings up a lot.
I don’t think I have actually answered the initial question around ‘levelling the field’, as that isn’t right for me or my OH. The right thing for us is me working on why I feel I should be entitled to get my end away, why it consumes me, and why sexual rejection feels like a knife in the back.
A way to go yet, but making lots of progress in terms of understanding aspects of it. In a lot of ways it’s my addict head doing the thinking. Some of my insecurities I thought I had got the better of are showing in different ways (I have a progressive neurological condition - I use sex to validate myself, if I can satisfy my lady I am less defective).
Anyhow, enough of my ramblings and bringing this thread down