Un equal sex drives

Here goes. Is it wrong to ask for a designated hitter when your spouses sex drive is far less than yours. Once a week, that should be a pop sickle. Twice a month should be small slice of cake. Not sex,. Masturbation is a fine, I get creative when and where I can. Not too sure she would be okay with me asking for a “DH” when it is the other 27 days of the Month. As a couple, we used to be way more creative, LoveHoney has helped. Like I stated in subject line, what to do to level the field. Not everyone could keep up with an everyday thing.

23 years of marriage can become a bit of a challenge to keep things fresh. Love honey has helped. But someone out there has had a “break through “ moment with your loved ones. How did you level the field.? We love each other, we love our sex life, when it happens?


Morning @J_and_J_couple I don’t think it’s wrong to discuss a way forward that works for you both.
What that looks like really depends on the outcome of that conversation(s).
I now have a slightly higher drive than him but nothing significant but in the past he has gone months without due to mine being low. He stuck with me, put no pressure and still gave me love and support (including lots of cwtches).
We were in our early 20s at the time and looking back I’m amazed by his maturity.

I ramble.
In short have a conversation but I wouldn’t jump right in with suggesting you find a "replacement ".

All the best.


@J_and_J_couple I understand where your coming from and it’s sometimes not easy to find a solution that works for both of you in the relationship.

I would suggest talking through your ideas & suggestions with your OH to come up with something that works for both of you.

If you both have busy life’s scheduled sex on for example a set day of the week/month, can work really well for some couples. There is still of course opportunities for spontaneous activity outside the planned dates.


I’m the same as @Mrs.John (again!!). I currently have a slightly higher sex drive but I wouldn’t say we are mismatched.

We’re 15 years in. It has ebbed and flowed and mine has been a lot lower for lengths of time during that and at some points so has his.

Hormonal Contraception has been a big factor for me, porn addiction for him and addressing these has been great, but the biggest thing we did to improve our sex life and relationship overall was to communicate properly with each other and put some effort back in to each other and our relationship. We used a few relationship tools, Love Languages, Couples Apps and we both read Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. We worked hard to fill each others “Love Tank” - a quote from the book

It didn’t take long to feel connected again and without even realising the sex life fixed itself.


What a brilliant post…you guys seem to be on it.:+1:


Tracey Cox (sex expert) says if a couple has an unmatched sex drive that is causing them issues. Both should write down how often they feel they need to have sex, eg. one might write every day the other might write once a month. Then they decide to both compromise and meet exactly in the middle e.g. once a week, and schedule it in the diary so both parties know and can get themselves prepared for it.


My jokes and fun are just that. My Metaphor or resemblance to baseball phrase was on the far end of the spectrum. Knowing that, we do talk about quite a bit. We have talked about, in great detail about all aspects of our lives, not too much on sex though.

Have we always had this issue, not really. Just working through these items now. I share this with you all in hope that someone might have tidbits, ideas, break through moments that could not only help us. But others as well.

Don’t get me wrong when she saw this post, we kinda talked about :slight_smile: :smile:

Busy to say the least. It’s about the right pace, right? I don’t expect anyone to have an even matched sex drive. We are not horrible on the average, it just how we choose to waist time.
I would rather waist the time naked on each other rather than a tv or a phone. When life permits it.

Oddly enough our forum sparked a conversation

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Mismatched might have been strong wording. I just know through 23 yrs of marriage and 2 yrs dating, peaks and valleys. Just need a good viagra for women. She hates porn so that’s a no go as well.
We will keep on keeping on. Just like sharing hoping to help us as well as others

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I like this. That will help I think. Although we have talked about it, and I will continue to revisit the subject. We used to have much more open communication about sex early on, still needs work. Since kids, careers and general life slowed that down. Trying to open it back up. At times even this forum seems a bit much for her. I need to empathetic to that, while trying to stay true to how I feel. Tip toe across the tight rope. Thanks for your tip. I will try that soon

Viagra wouldn’t help, it does not stimulate arousal or create a desire for sex/intimacy it increases blood flow but your brain needs to want to do it and then the viagra allows an erection in those men who have erectile dysfunction not those who aren’t interested.

Think the obvious first point is to have open honest conversations about this stuff around how things are. One thing I have noted myself, is that this alone however can make it more of a ‘thing’ and can lead to person not in the mood feeling under pressure to find a solution.
Me and my OH are going through this experience to a degree at the moment, and some of our conversations made it feel more intense.
I want to make it all about my needs, my feeling rejected and unwanted, poor me me me! Of course thats not what I say, but its my initial reaction, and it’s not possible to hide disappointment and rejection at times.
Intimacy and sex are a absolutely a two way thing and has to be mutually enjoyable, so I just ask if there is anything I can do to help and support her with anything she has going on. I am sure my behavior at times does not help. Either way, people places and things, out of my control - my feelings around it are all I have.

It gives me a chance to look at what’s going on for me:
Why is sex such a big thing for me?
Why do I struggle with the rejection?
What the feck is going on with my thoughts and behaviors around it?

Potential trigger warning here - some of the stuff that goes through my head
There has been times my head becomes nothing short of a monster, all morals and values out the window - I need what I believe I am entitled too! This goes on whilst she is sleeping next to me, I want to grope her, wake her up and have my way with her. Her thoughts and beliefs don’t come into it. If I’m cuddling her, my hands will start to wander and it’s not always something I am consciously aware of. So I then avoid cuddling, which makes me (and my OH) feel like I am punishing her for not being in the mood.
I can assure you, that is not me as a person, and I become consumed. There has been times I have had to leave her house at 2am because of this. Solo play doesn’t help at the time either.
Oh, I might add here I am an addict in recovery, my head default wants to be 150mph forward or flat out reverse!
I do not act on the obsession to get what I feel I need, as scary and horrible as it makes me sound, but I have to be open and honest about it. I tell my partner of course and we talk it through. She apologizes, I mean WTF!? She has nothing to apologize for.
And I do tell her no, this is a me thing that I have to work out. Her body is NOT mine, I do not own her in any way, I am honored to be able to share my deepest secrets with her without fear of judgement.
Hmmmm maybe I have digressed a little from point I was trying to make, apols.
But yeah, for me all things happen for a reason. And this is something I need to resolve, the head stuff, the way it impacts my behaviors like the next day after feeling rejected, my vulnerabilities.
This is the only way it needs to be about me, it is me that needs the acceptance and to work on myself and why it really brings up a lot.
I don’t think I have actually answered the initial question around ‘levelling the field’, as that isn’t right for me or my OH. The right thing for us is me working on why I feel I should be entitled to get my end away, why it consumes me, and why sexual rejection feels like a knife in the back.
A way to go yet, but making lots of progress in terms of understanding aspects of it. In a lot of ways it’s my addict head doing the thinking. Some of my insecurities I thought I had got the better of are showing in different ways (I have a progressive neurological condition - I use sex to validate myself, if I can satisfy my lady I am less defective).
Anyhow, enough of my ramblings and bringing this thread down :smiley:


Thank you for sharing that, your post really hit me, I am exactly the same. My sex drive is much higher than his, and I web cam full time, so I’m
In the mood for sexual behaviour all the time.
I to feel the rejection the hardest part, I do have addictions, so that may explain why I find it so hard to deal with.

As for levelling a mis matched sex drive, I’m not sure it’s a one thing helps all.

We’ve recently had a discussion and my hubby says he finds it impossible to be the one to ask, as I have sexual trauma, and I feel like a sex pest always begging and feeling dory for myself. We tried writing down what we’d be happy with, and we still couldn’t work a way round it.

Only thing I can say, is keep talking about how each of you feel, letting each other know you love each other. We’ve scaled the sex down to cuddling at the moment, and I’m actually feeling less hard fine by.

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Not sure I’d be the right person to offer advice for this but I defo agree it’ll be one the best things to openly keep talking to your wife and see how together you can both creatively accomplish both your needs :slightly_smiling_face:

My sex drive is much higher than my wifes, used to be pretty equal but changed since having kids. The past year our sex life has been pretty much non existent and it started to put a strain on things but we had a long chat a few weeks ago and it’s definitely made things better and revived things too! Communication is definitely key!


@J_and_J_couple I think everybody covered the subject pretty well . My situation is a bit different . My wife and I have been together for over 35 years and she became disabled legally about 19 years ago . Between meds and pain she has not had too many horny days since then . She knows I am about as horny as I was when I was 20 and feels bad for me . Several years ago she said she said it would be OK if I got a side woman . I am pretty old school and I could never do that . She even suggested I fly down to Nevada and go to a brothel every so often . I said that sounded like a possibility except that similar to an Olympic athlete the fact that I have zero practice would make for a very short performance . She does enjoy seeing me in my many photos in micro thongs etc. She knows I have all my toys and play with myself often , but generally does not want to hear about it . In my dreams we would have sex once a month , even once a year would be great . I truly hope you find some middle ground and can have a little more fun time . Good luck .

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Thank you for posting and sharing that, it is really nice to read your beliefs too.
One thing I am blessed with is the trust me and GF have in each other. She knows no matter what is going on for me, I would never seek sex outside of our relationship. Well, I think she knows that at least, I am old school in that sense and being unfaithful is simply not an option for me.
I remind my OH that for me it is about quality rather than quantity. Unfortunately the Monster in my head keeps missing that memo - makes me then doubt if I truly mean it. I know I do, but heads are crazy things.

@Justthetwoofus2007 I agree entirely, it’s always based on the two individuals involved, and never simple to work out. Key element is good open honest communication. For me taking that step back, and in my case focusing on whats going on for me, is making a difference.
Based on your other threads, cuddling and just having those moments together makes a lot of sense, and really hope it helps you both move forward!

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I have a higher sex drive than my husband and it can be very frustrating. We have spoken but he doesn’t know what has happened as he never used to be like that.
I get over it by masterbating at times when I feel the need and he isn’t interested sometimes him watching gets him in the mood but not always.
We have even spoken about sexual counselling to see if there is a trigger that has caused it.

We manage and I will say when we have sex it is great and the orgasm is strong.

we connect on so many levels. You two are lucky to have worked through issues. Thanks for all the help. how did you start your cam. what network are you all on?

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fantastic. Once we get to having sex like you, we have great orgasm. I will time mine to be just after hers. It will allow her to continue without going too long. Our sex is productive we have our orgasm. Like others I think/know I could go 2-4 times a day w/o issues. That expectation is crazy, I get it. But what better way to waste time. We are not all created like that, our population would have skyrocketed 1000s years ago. But it feels better talking about it with likewise people or couples.