Wife has no fantasies

Sex Tips & Talk
1

We've been together for a while now, and I'm the main instigator of 99% of our sex lives

Don't get me wrong, we do some pretty good stuff, and she's been great in trying new stuff, although she sometimes blocks, and eventually succombes, and ends up enjoying it.

But it's me doing EVERYTHING, and I put so so much work into keeping our sex lives fresh when we can.

I've asked her over and over to talk about sex, which is usually short lived when we do.
But she claims she has NO fantasies, and I've asked her a fair few times over the years.

Any tips on how i can get her to open up with regards to discussing sex and fantasies?

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Everyone has fantasies . So quite rightly so you havnt bought the "I dont have any fantasies" malarky .

When we started experimenting we found a couple of things quite helpful. First of all this site and exploring it together can often bring out some latent feelings.

Another way we found is watching various steamy and slightly kinky mainstream movies and suggesting should we try something like that. A good one to start with is nine and a half weeks . A bit old perhaps but still has plenty of good ideas like blindfolding and feeding food etc.

Going on from this is perhaps doing a sex survey on each other. We tend to do one every 6 months or so.

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There are lots of layers to your post MrGoodGuy, so I'll try and cover as much as I can from my point of view - sorry if it is a tad disjointed.

I don't think the issue here is that your partner doesn't have fantasies. Most of us do have fantasies, dreams and turn-ons, myself included, I just don't wish to act on them with my partner. I don't feel the need to, I'm fulfilled with our sex life regardless of the fact I might have a fantasy about Ryan Reynolds (for example).

It sounds to me that the missing piece, for you, is communication with your wife and discussing with her why you feel that you are the main instigator and how this affects you, rather than assuming that there is something wrong with her. Have you communicated with her that you wish she would return the invitation for sex? My OH loves me being the dominant one, so it is rare that he takes a strong lead because he loves that I take control.

Have you considered the possibility that she is happy with how things are? She's not talking about her fantasies because she enjoys the sex lives you have and she doesn't feel the need to bring anything else into the mix?

Another thing to mention that talking about sex is difficult for a lot of people. When you open yourself up to another person, it can make you feel vulnerable and exposed. Regardless of the length of your relationship or how close you are in other parts of your life.

If you want more communication, I would recommend that instead of starting a conversation with a negative, start on a positive. Talk about the great sex you had last week and how you'd like to do it again. Or that it was really great for you, but you'd love her to instigate next time.

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I thought my wife had no fantasies, until one (drunken) conversation she started to open up. Turns out we are both full of fantasies we hadn't conveyed, and hoping to act on some of them!

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BigInBerks wrote:

I thought my wife had no fantasies, until one (drunken) conversation she started to open up. Turns out we are both full of fantasies we hadn't conveyed, and hoping to act on some of them!

Just be careful. Sometimes its best not to act them all out especially the difficult ones . The difficult ones can sometimes end up dissapointing and deflating the partner that had that fantasy. Obviously thats no fault of yourselves its just sometimes the complex nature of some fantasies can make them difficult to act out. These are the ones best left unacted .

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Some interesting thoughts regarding this post.
And thanks for the replies.

In general she's never been comfortable with talking about sex, due to her upbringing apparently?

If it was up to her we'd still be doing Missionary and little else.

In an effort to give our relationship spice, I am always coming up with new things to try, not always fantasy stuff, but ideas of things to try, perhaps I've read about.

Modern day woman can be mixed up.
Ie arousal before desire.
When a bloke sees a naked girl, he gets desire which leads to arousal.
Apparently many women don't get desire from external stimulation, thus without desire, arousal doesn't naturally develop.
If you skip desire, and arouse/stimulate a woman say by foreplay, then eventually she finds desire. And thus becomes interested.

I find this is the wife, she blocks due to no desire.
I do something to stimulate her and slowly she becomes interested.

I like what was said about learning about her fantasies without acting the out, I'll try and steer some discussion that way, perhaps it may lead a path to something we can do that's harmless, say role play acting out that fantasy or opening doors to other things if her reply really isn't something we'd wish to follow. Her call.

Her hobby is horses mine is the intamacy of our relationship, but if I don't talk about it, she'd never discuss it, if I do talk about it then I'm always going on about it.
But it's fine for her to talk horses 24/7 lol

I'm not moaning really, and we've tried some adventurous pursuits, but she is vanilla to my expert.
And I only ever want her.

It's a shame that the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with, finds it difficult to talk about such an important part of the relationship?

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Yes everyone is diffeerent. We all have our quirks.

You could explore the roleplay side which you already touched on. However just remember to keep everything within your boundaries of which you havnt mentioned but presume that you have. If you havnt you will need them . Perhaps something else to talk about with her.

You can always do a horsey type roleplay perhaps make love in the hay of a stable. Something about a woman in tight riding britches is very appealing to me.

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Rebecca does pretty much hit every nail on the head, the issue I would say is First communicate with your partner. It doesn’t have to be a “fantasy” she’s interested in as your putting a name to it and if she’s quite unsexual in certain aspects she will run from the conversation sharpish. The fact is she probably hasn’t explored much and she’s quite happy with what she’s got, it’s the same as asking someone “if I granted you three wishes, what would you want?” It puts you on the spot and makes a huge deal out of something which makes your head go a million miles an hour.

Reading your post and without jumping to conclusions I can see your frustrated as you are the instigator and quite frankly a little bored. Now this is when you need to maybe surprise your partner and bring fire into other parts of the relationship other than the bedroom. Maybe look at going away for a surprise weekend and take some toys if she enjoys them with you? If you haven’t tried bondage before then maybe buy a blindfold and focus your attention on your partner for the night. As humans we expect answers to our questions but we’re all different. She may simply have a low sex drive and isn’t too interested in exploring her deep fantasies, alternatively she may be embarrassed about what lurks in her mind. So first step I would say is don’t interrogate, as That will definitely do the opposite. Just maybe surprise her a bit, buy her flowers/chocolates or make a cd of songs from the past so she can put it in her car etc. And maybe buy some simple toys, even look at giving her a massage or get some sex games like the sex dice etc. Don’t just do it to get her in bed though, find the part of your relationship which makes you both irresistible to eachother and everything else will unravel.

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Thank you for your support, given me plenty to think about.

My next question is:

Ladies how could I ask my wife to:

Talk about any fantasies
Talk about sex, in more detail

The direct approach, is definitely an avoidance answer

"I don't have any fantasies"

"I've got nothing to talk about, sex wise"

She does have a low sex drive, and sex is something we just do, and why does it need to be discussed?

To me it's healthy to discuss and highlight what you like /dislike
Yes she is satisfied, to the best of my knowledge, it's just nice to be able to talk about it without a 20 second time limit

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First of all ask open questions . Ie those that you can't answer yes or no to . These tend to start with what,when, where and how .

You perhaps need to pick the right moment . Its perhaps something you wouldnt talk about over a mid week meal whilst she is watching her favourite soap.

If she likes FSOG then perhaps stat talking about it after watching the DVD etc. She would be perhaps more in the mood for that type of thing. Perhaps after a few alcolholic drinks but dont get her splattered !

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Some people are just uncomfortable talking about sex and don’t see the need to discuss it as long as their needs are being met.

I see that you mentioned she’s always been like this and it’s due to her upbringing, so her opening up isn’t going to happen overnight. If she’s been raised in a household where sex isn’t discussed or it’s taught that it’s dirty or unusual to enjoy pleasure as a woman then it can be very difficult to get out of that headspace and she probably feels very uncomfortable with you bringing the subject up which explains why the topic last only seconds.

My partner was raised in a religious house and his mother’s attitude to sex and relationships was not great. She made him feel ashamed and that has carried through to adulthood. It has gotten better over time but he still has moments where those old conversations come back to him and he feels bad about himself.

What I found useful in helping him to be more comfortable talking about sex was simply reassurance. The more I mentioned it, the more he’d pull back, so I gave him some space and in that time, I would reassure him whenever he did something that I liked that it felt good and that it was totally healthy to enjoy giving or getting pleasure. His confidence inceasred and with time, so did his sexual interests. I now have a hard time getting him to stop talking!

Ultimately though, if she isn’t comfortable sharing fantasies, she either doesn’t want to act upon them (some things are better kept that way), doesn’t feel she can speak about them without being judged (probably due to her upbringing) or simply doesn’t have any. The combination of low sex drive and her past could make it very possible that she doesn’t have any or hasn’t discovered what she’s interested in yet.

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I can totally empathise with you. My wife’s upbringing meant that she has always found sex a very difficult subject, unfortunately this also led to her being abused as a teenager.. which has made sex very difficult.. if it wasn’t for the abuse I think we would probably be like you.

weve been going to relate for the past year and although it’s been slow it’s had a great impact.. my wife’s views of herself and how she feels about sex have changed a lot..

My wife still doesn’t talk to me about fantasies but conversations about sex are starting to become easier, she is less defensive about her feelings and doesn’t shut conversation down anymore.

i think a lot of this is down to the work she’s done to change the way she thinks about herself.. I don’t know about your wife but mine didn’t masturbate at all .. this has all changed

Your wife clearly wants to please you but the subject feels stressful at the moment.. she may not want to .. but it may be worth talking to her about seeking support from a service like relate.. hope this helps

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Hi, just as an aside you can shorten your user name from MrGoodGuy to GG, strange that this is also your OH's hobby ![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)

I can empathise with you, my OH's hobby is also horses and I too spend a lot of time thinking about my OH and our love life. My OH also has behaviours very similar to your OH, I too have been down a route of trying to make our love life more exciting and "pushing" her to "open up". I can say that I've made some terrible mistakes in the last year and our love life has been a bit up and down as a consequence. I found a RELATE book on relationship and sex and purchased it on-line. I thought we could read it together (she didn't want to do any sex therapy as such). She did read the first few chapters, but when it got to the questionaires to characterise our sex life she stopped reading it. I did read the whole book and it's really very useful and very good. Much of what it says is already written in the previous posts on this string.

Please do re-read the posts on this string and "listen" to what people are suggesting and helping you with as my impression is that you are not picking up on the most important parts, especially from the women who have replied.

So from my experience talking and conmunication are key, we've had some difficult conversations about our love life and also some life affirming conversations about our relationship together. I've taken advice from the RELATE book and I've spent more time on intimacy with my OH. By that I mean kissing her more during the day, giving her a long hug and embrace, holding her hand, stroking her hand when we are sat watching television or when just sat talking on the sofa. These are all loving and intimate gestures that reassure your OH that you love for her, which is the most important thing. I tell my OH more frequently how much I love her, and yes it's a cliche, but I do love her completely, she has been my only partner and we have been married over 25 years. Historically, I didn't say that frequently engough and doubts natturally creep in to peoples minds; I know I was having worries and concerns about my OH's thoughts about me.

So has our love life improved, yes definitely. One of my early mistakes was to assume toys would help and I did buy her a bullet vibrator as she also didn't masturbate. I've started to let her know when I've been masturbating and she is okay with that as our sex drives are different (we have discussed this), but actually she has now also been masturbating with the bullet vibe. She doesn't do it frequently, that I'm aware of (?), but at least she does admit to me to enjoying having an orgasm now which is a step forward.

I've been using parts from the REALTE book on senuate touching and lying together and enjoying skin to skin contact with kissing and caressing. Sounds simple, but actually I'd forgotten how much pleasure there was from just simply touching, feeling aroused and causing arousal in my OH; going slow and taking time is also important to heighten the feelings. I still initiate our love making and I wish she would do this sometimes, but my OH knows she has a problem doing this as we have discussed it, but at least we both understand and acknowledge this now; again small steps forward. My OH still cannot tell me want she likes when we make love, but last night I asked her slowly and carefully what she would like, she still couldn't speak the words, so I asked to just say yes or no to my suggestions; I then just did what she said yes to. Okay it was still very "safe" love making and things we have done many times before, but she was actually agreeing to what we would do. Knowing my OH wanted to do those things is a again a small step forward.

It's not hard to imagine that in a few months more, yes it takes time so be patient, that my OH may start to be more assertive about her physical needs and also may be more adventurous and start opening up.

Okay so we are not doing what you would consider exciting, fantasy driven sex or anything at the moment, but actually she is very, very slowly opening up and finding her way; we are finding the way together to enhance our love life and enjoy it to the maximum as we progress along. The love making we are doing at the moment is intimate, loving, beautiful and quite frankly very arousing, our orgasms have never been so long and big, really.... Havinf fulfiling and great sex is also very re-affirming for our love and relationship together so it does become a virtous circle.

Please do take time step back and consider how best to proceed, learn from other peoples experience.

Good luck and all the best in your journey.

MS@50

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PS sorry the last post was so long, I wanted to provide my experience and examples to help highlight the key points.

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It's difficult to go through everything, but here's a quick overview.
I'd like to say I'm high up on the scale of what a woman would want, not perfect, but I strive to be as best a man can be.

Physically fit, and look after muscles and appearance
DIY round the house, almost renovated the whole house for her (and me)
Financially, she gets what's she wants, and I've just spent a lot of money on a new car for doing stuff with her horses (towing etc)
I put 100% into intimacy :- a touch as our paths cross, a kiss, a hug.
Spoon in bed, or a massage with no request for it to go further.
Running a scented bath, with candles and a glass of wine when she gets in from work.
I cook 99% of our meals, and often do candle lit dinners
Holidays, supporting her with horses, and encouraging her to go out with friends
Housework, and chores
Flowers, chocolate, comfy pj's, jewellery.
There's not a min of the day where I don't put her 1st.

And I believe there lies the problem.
She's got used to it and doesn't know how to give back?

Paradox:- (kind of) - I say, please talk about sex, your fantasies, and tell me what you want more. Touch me occasionally, or initiate sex, you suggest something new sexually, or you put effort into our intamacy for a change.

She does, (for a short duration, before things go back to normal) but then she's doing it to please me, not because SHE wants to.
She's admitted she's a lazy lover - her words, but that's a get out of jail free card.
If she knows all of this, she should be doing stuff to keep our relationship alive, but she doesn't unless I pressure her, then it's one sided and shallow, because I don't want to pressure her, and I know she's only doing it because I've asked?

Apparently I'm the best husband ever! She says it, her friends say it, her family says it.

Hence Mr Good Guy!
But nice guys finish last don't they?

I've read the previous pists/replies and took heed of some interesting points, to which i agree.

But rowing a metaphorical boat with one oar usually means me going round in circles!

I love my wife beyond comprehension, and I don't want her not to be in my life, but can't deny divorce hovers in the back of my head occasionally.

If I were to mention this, no doubt she'd say she'll change, but again it'd be short lived, and threats don't give stability to her new actions being ones she's chosen to do rather than being forced.

I know she loves me unconditionally, but marriage without communication is like a boat without water.

Talking to a 3rd party is also a no no for her, she can't even talk to me.
Sticking your head in the sand is definitely an easier option.

But anger and frustration inside isn't healthy, and I often find myself secretly punishing her by not doing housework for example, as I think why shud I, she doesn't do anything to please me?

Trust me I've read books, watched videos and done research to help her with being more communative and to enjoy intamacy more, but she's got to want to do it, not me
And at the moment I don't feel she's in that place right now, or in the foreseeable future

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My Mrs better not see that list otherwise I am in trouble , especially the DIY bit ! ![](upload://JDvwB4BqTlXmc0TRZyEqziKCrM.gif)

Joking aside it seems that you have tried everything within your powers and all we can offer are suggestions that you appear to have already tried.

You may just have to accept the way she is . I think its fair to say very few of our partners are 100% perfect. You have to put up with their shortfalls as we all have them .

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Me and my partner have been together 7 years.. only in the past 12 months have I started to open up. The more you push her to open up the worse she will feel.

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MrGoodGuy wrote:

It's difficult to go through everything, but here's a quick overview.
I'd like to say I'm high up on the scale of what a woman would want, not perfect, but I strive to be as best a man can be.

Physically fit, and look after muscles and appearance
DIY round the house, almost renovated the whole house for her (and me)
Financially, she gets what's she wants, and I've just spent a lot of money on a new car for doing stuff with her horses (towing etc)
I put 100% into intimacy :- a touch as our paths cross, a kiss, a hug.
Spoon in bed, or a massage with no request for it to go further.
Running a scented bath, with candles and a glass of wine when she gets in from work.
I cook 99% of our meals, and often do candle lit dinners
Holidays, supporting her with horses, and encouraging her to go out with friends
Housework, and chores
Flowers, chocolate, comfy pj's, jewellery.
There's not a min of the day where I don't put her 1st.

And I believe there lies the problem.
She's got used to it and doesn't know how to give back?

Paradox:- (kind of) - I say, please talk about sex, your fantasies, and tell me what you want more. Touch me occasionally, or initiate sex, you suggest something new sexually, or you put effort into our intamacy for a change.

She does, (for a short duration, before things go back to normal) but then she's doing it to please me, not because SHE wants to.
She's admitted she's a lazy lover - her words, but that's a get out of jail free card.
If she knows all of this, she should be doing stuff to keep our relationship alive, but she doesn't unless I pressure her, then it's one sided and shallow, because I don't want to pressure her, and I know she's only doing it because I've asked?

Apparently I'm the best husband ever! She says it, her friends say it, her family says it.

Hence Mr Good Guy!
But nice guys finish last don't they?

I've read the previous pists/replies and took heed of some interesting points, to which i agree.

But rowing a metaphorical boat with one oar usually means me going round in circles!

I love my wife beyond comprehension, and I don't want her not to be in my life, but can't deny divorce hovers in the back of my head occasionally.

If I were to mention this, no doubt she'd say she'll change, but again it'd be short lived, and threats don't give stability to her new actions being ones she's chosen to do rather than being forced.

I know she loves me unconditionally, but marriage without communication is like a boat without water.

Talking to a 3rd party is also a no no for her, she can't even talk to me.
Sticking your head in the sand is definitely an easier option.

But anger and frustration inside isn't healthy, and I often find myself secretly punishing her by not doing housework for example, as I think why shud I, she doesn't do anything to please me?

Trust me I've read books, watched videos and done research to help her with being more communative and to enjoy intamacy more, but she's got to want to do it, not me
And at the moment I don't feel she's in that place right now, or in the foreseeable future

I'm sorry that this is causing you such frustration and upset.

I'm not saying you are insinuating this but - sex should not be seen as something that should be given in exchange for something else. For example, a woman should not feel obliged or pressured to give herself for sex because a man/woman does DIY around the house, or cooks dinner for her. If a woman feels pressured to return the favour of sex in exchange for things like that, on some level she is not consenting to sex. Works for men too. A man should not feel pressured into sex with a woman/man because the woman does something else.

If you are able to accept some of what I have said above, I think it will go a long way in you feeling less resentment towards her.

I think you need to determine whether your wife isn't initiating sex because of 1. you deem her to be genuinely lazy/can't be bothered/not prepared to work on your relationship or if 2. something somewhere is not working for her. Perhaps the stars are not aligning for her - and it doesn't actually have anything to do with you. Whichever one it is, I imagine it will inform your decision of what to do next.

I obviously don't know your wife and there's only so much I can say. But in some respects, I can sympathise with your wife. Ultimately there could be a million and one reasons why she has a low sex drive - upbringing, hormones, menopause, confidence etc. Or simply, she isn't invested in your relationship anymore. I can sympathise with being incredibly invested in a relationship but suffering from a lack of sex drive due to no fault of the partner at all.

I also think you need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. You can either can accept your situation, or not. You can't force your wife to communicate with you if she is not prepared to, but I really hope you can both reach something that works for you both!

Good luck MrGoodGuy!

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It's not so much me doing things like DIY in return for sex, it's more about making her happy, by doing things I know that will pleases her.
Mainly because I simply want my partner to be happy

Laziness vs connectivity
I'd say its laziness. She likes me to be in control, and when I am I have to do all the work, all the planning and all the imagination. She wants to lie back and enjoy the show.
When she's in the driving seat it's out of her comfort zone, she doesn't know what to do, or she's not confident.

We're mix matched sex drives, I'm high she's low.
I accept this and try and be sympathetic and understanding.
I'd expect her to do the same and apply effort, even if she's not in the mood, like I have to understand When she's not interested.

Relationships are like cakes, they have to have all the right ingredients else they won't turn out, communication and sex are two of those ingredients.
I

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I just dont see that view of Mr G G exchanging jobs for sex or pressurising sex.

I think what Mr G G is trying to demonstrate that he is a good husband and is putting 110% into the relatonship but he feels a little short changed as a result. I of course stand to be corrected on this point but that is how it comes accross to me.

What puzzles me is why this situation has suddenly come about. I would be interesting to know what the trigger was . Because assuming the relationship has been a long one thne one tends to finds these "imperfections "out at a much earlier stage. I use the word imperfection here very cautiously as I couldnt think of a more suitable word to use and dont mean any offence here.

I appreciate tastes in sex like anything else can alter over time .

But going back to my post one very rarely has a partner that is 100% perfect. Yes you can talk about the subject andd as we all know good communication cements a relationship . However talking about it doesnt always mean things will alter .

I will use my Mrs as an example here.

One of my Fantasies has always bee a leather clad dominatrix in stocking and high heels wielding a riding crop .

She has the right Physique Tick

She is tall (6ft) Tick

She looks great in High heels Tick

We have a suitable outfit and riding crop tick

Dominant woman Cross

We have talked about this but it just isnt in her DNA to be controlling . She is a very mild mannered sensual woman . Does this affect our relationship then one might ask? Not a jot . I concentrate on her strengths so she gives very sensual massages which are like heaven and intimacy is spot on between us .It does mean that I take control in the bedroom even though I wish this can be the other way around occasionally.

This is the message I really want to get accross is that we have to make best of what our partners can offer us and compromise. Thats what life is all about and we have to wotk together to over come the best we can any challenges put our way.